Help who i am

[whoineverwas225]

i wasnt sure if i should have put this in this forum or the off topic one, but i chose this one because what im about to discuss has sometimes led to suicidal thoughts in the past

i have no clue who i am or why im here on this earth. i mean, there are certainly things i enjoy doing. i write music and films and lots of stories. i like creating things and thats my passion. but i feel like im millions of things at once, forced into one disgusting corpse. i dont want to be like this. sometimes i feel like multiple people at once. sometimes i want to be a completely different person even though i consider that person a part of who i am? its weird, and i have no one to ask about it. i am a biological male and have random but really intense moments when i feel like i want to become trans or identify as something else or physically change to become something else. i drive myself crazy with all of these different types of ideas and concepts of who i am that it becomes a gigantic mess.

my feelings change all the time. everything in the world makes me confused and thats probably why. my opinion on a political matter could be something at one second and the complete opposite at another. sometimes i slander sex workers and porn stars, yet i am hypersexual and a porn addict (most likely due to unsupervised internet access). i am a HUGE believe in Christ and a Catholic, yet sometimes i feel so drawn to sin (example being my porn addiction). but i cant talk to anyone about these things. its not that people arent there for me or anything, i just dont want anyone to freak out about me. because i dont believe im not that important to freak out over. at least not yet. but this again is another contradiction. i want fame and fortune to come from my music but i dont know if id love it or hate it. i feel directionless in the sense that there is so much i could do but im so torn by the fact that i can only do so much in one life i feel like its pointless to try in the first place. at this point im rambling but there is so much more to this. i change my name around certain people. the way i look. i wish i could just mutilate myself and fix myself whenever i wanted to so i can be different people at different times but i cant. i have so many things i want to express and share with the world but i dont think ill be able to do everything. i dont even think there will be people who relate to what i yearn to express. i tell people the only way to know the real me is through my lyrics. my written words. but even that is confusing.
i really dont know what to do with myself. can someone please talk to me or just help me learn more about me. i know this is a really self centered post and i hate myself for it, but if there is someone, and i hope there is, who relates to this too, then we should really try to figure things out.

i cant truly detail how i feel about this in words, but what im saying is a genuine cry for help. i feel like im going mad.

 

[edu0z]

i tell people the only way to know the real me is through my lyrics. my written words. but even that is confusing.

You write a lot of things(stories, songs, fragments)... and then people tell you that it's like different people wrote them?

Maybe I shouldn't say this, I don't want to contribute to the confusion... I think the best thing you can do is go to a psychiatrist and tell them all this.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

You're human. You are someone who is experiencing the existential crisis that is the human condition. It's scary, but you're not alone.
As for feeling trans, I'm probably going to have a radically different view of this subject BUT hear me out...
I thought I was trans at times and I learned about the Anima and Animus, the female part of the male psyche and the male part of the female psyche.
I had gender dysmorphia at one point in my life, You can try to label everything obsessively... but you could have a thousand labels... and that wouldn't change who you are. You're you, and who "you" are is not something anyone can answer for you. I will say that you doing music is A NEED and not a want. However, you need to have tough skin and everyone sucks when they first start out... I still suck, but I was actually about to post a song I wrote as sort of a way of giving back to this wonderful community of ours. Does it suck? Ye- I mean, idk. But it's a part of me.
See, when you're young you're worry about failing... and when you're older you face something far worse...
regret. And one thing I have never regretted is failing. I just try again.

If you need someone to talk to I'm here.
I want you to know that no matter what you're going through, you're enough as you are now... to sail through the chaos.
And no matter what that evil ass bitch (aka Depression) says... you're not alone.

As for the pornstar thing... so, every single thing you hate or despise or dislike connects to your psyche in some way.
That's true for all humans and it's weird wiring to say the least, but it's a mirror.
I could go on about how we as kids pick and chose what parts of us we want to be a part of our psyche and what parts to suppress but...
it's a rabbit hole.

You write a lot of things(stories, songs, fragments)... and then people tell you that it's like different people wrote them?

Maybe I shouldn't say this, I don't want to contribute to the confusion... I think the best thing you can do is go to a psychiatrist and tell them all this.

Hi name is Megan Fox, and I am asking each of you to donate... ... ... ... ummm... so I guess every theater kid is also nuts? I'm joking. We are all collectives, but few people are aware of it.... OP... Can I go out on a limb and say you don't sleep regularly? If so, sleep deprivation VERY often leads to disassociating.

 

[whoineverwas225]

You're human. You are someone who is experiencing the existential crisis that is the human condition. It's scary, but you're not alone.
As for feeling trans, I'm probably going to have a radically different view of this subject BUT hear me out...
I thought I was trans at times and I learned about the Anima and Animus, the female part of the male psyche and the male part of the female psyche.
I had gender dysmorphia at one point in my life, You can try to label everything obsessively... but you could have a thousand labels... and that wouldn't change who you are. You're you, and who "you" are is not something anyone can answer for you. I will say that you doing music is A NEED and not a want. However, you need to have tough skin and everyone sucks when they first start out... I still suck, but I was actually about to post a song I wrote as sort of a way of giving back to this wonderful community of ours. Does it suck? Ye- I mean, idk. But it's a part of me.
See, when you're young you're worry about failing... and when you're older you face something far worse...
regret. And one thing I have never regretted is failing. I just try again.

If you need someone to talk to I'm here.
I want you to know that no matter what you're going through, you're enough as you are now... to sail through the chaos.
And no matter what that evil ass bitch (aka Depression) says... you're not alone.

As for the pornstar thing... so, every single thing you hate or despise or dislike connects to your psyche in some way.
That's true for all humans and it's weird wiring to say the least, but it's a mirror.
I could go on about how we as kids pick and chose what parts of us we want to be a part of our psyche and what parts to suppress but...
it's a rabbit hole.

Hi name is Megan Fox, and I am asking each of you to donate... ... ... ... ummm... so I guess every theater kid is also nuts? I'm joking. We are all collectives, but few people are aware of it.... OP... Can I go out on a limb and say you don't sleep regularly? If so, sleep deprivation VERY often leads to disassociating.

thank you so much for helping me make sense of this. i want to talk to my parents about this but theyre old (not an exaggeration, im adopted) and i really dont want to scare them, especially my father. same goes for my friends since were all so close. i dont want them to be weirded out or anything and id rather keep it to myself. but hopefully one day i can find someone irl to talk to about this stuff. for now, i hope to find my place in this community and talk about things like this and other things with other people. tysm for your support :)

also, if you wouldnt mind, could you share that song? im always interested in hearing other peoples music, and maybe that can help. no pressure tho, im just interested.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

thank you so much for helping me make sense of this. i want to talk to my parents about this but theyre old (not an exaggeration, im adopted) and i really dont want to scare them, especially my father. same goes for my friends since were all so close. i dont want them to be weirded out or anything and id rather keep it to myself. but hopefully one day i can find someone irl to talk to about this stuff. for now, i hope to find my place in this community and talk about things like this and other things with other people. tysm for your support :)

also, if you wouldnt mind, could you share that song? im always interested in hearing other peoples music, and maybe that can help. no pressure tho, im just interested.

Yeah here's the link to the post on here

(off screen) My thank you song to you guys

Hey guys, so as some of you know I'm being spiraling back and forth for the past year, and I have been trying to give back in any way I can. So I recorded a video of me playing a song for you guys, I'm NOT in the video. Encase anyone needs to hear that. I wish I could do more, but I hope this...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[tiger b]

You sound like the sort of person who I'd invite to a party: Interesting.

Some people are very 'multi' - they have many talents and can see many different sides to an issue. So much so, it's actually hard picking a side at all! Also, personality is far more fluid than people think.

As a creative, going beyond your social and biological confines is a given, as they inhibit creative possibilities. This could allow you to relate to others on a very empathetic level.

I don't think it's worrying necessarily (although your confusion may be distressing you), but yeah it's a lot to deal with. That might take time. If you don't know who you are, it's perhaps better to start with who you definitely are not, scratch them off? Easily said. What would I know ehem.

 

[Pg.964]

I'm not sure if my experience is similar but I dissociate my mind from my body to cope with trauma so I feel like a customizable video game character and often can't tell if this is truly what I look like. Since I've gotten older I've been able to use certain things to anchor myself down. You said you're passionate about writing music, maybe that could be the gateway to building yourself a more stable identity? You seem to have a lot going on in your mind that the people around don't understand which is causing you distress, I'd say maybe make a list of all your complicated thoughts and different identities and try to work on why they came to be. A good therapist is also very helpful. I'm sorry you're going through this I hope maybe something I said helped, wishing you good luck on your journey.

 

[misophoned]

sometimes i want to be a completely different person even though i consider that person a part of who i am? its weird, and i have no one to ask about it. i am a biological male and have random but really intense moments when i feel like i want to become trans or identify as something else or physically change to become something else. i drive myself crazy with all of these different types of ideas and concepts of who i am that it becomes a gigantic mess.

It sounds like you might be genderfluid. This basically means that your gender changes many times instead of just sticking to one all the time. You could experiment with making new friends and asking them to use she/her pronouns to see if they work for you all of the time or feel comfortable only some of the time. As far as physical changes go, those would be up to you. An important part to remember is , regardless of other people's perceptions, that you recognize and acknowledge yourself to be the gender you identify with in your head.I used to pin a lot of my traits to gender as well. Feel free to message me if you want to talk about gender dysphoria more, but fyi I won't be here long.

 

[whoineverwas225]

Yeah here's the link to the post on here

(off screen) My thank you song to you guys

Hey guys, so as some of you know I'm being spiraling back and forth for the past year, and I have been trying to give back in any way I can. So I recorded a video of me playing a song for you guys, I'm NOT in the video. Encase anyone needs to hear that. I wish I could do more, but I hope this...

sanctioned-suicide.net

thanks for sending it, ill give it a listen!

You sound like the sort of person who I'd invite to a party: Interesting.

Some people are very 'multi' - they have many talents and can see many different sides to an issue. So much so, it's actually hard picking a side at all! Also, personality is far more fluid than people think.

As a creative, going beyond your social and biological confines is a given, as they inhibit creative possibilities. This could allow you to relate to others on a very empathetic level.

I don't think it's worrying necessarily (although your confusion may be distressing you), but yeah it's a lot to deal with. That might take time. If you don't know who you are, it's perhaps better to start with who you definitely are not, scratch them off? Easily said. What would I know ehem.

aw i love parties and want to go to more even tho im not the type to be there

something that i forgot to mention is that i was planning on changing my identity for performances. i go to a music school and im in a few different bands. i had the idea where depending on the band id dress and act like an entirely different person than who most people know me as. this person would be like, a different shade of me ig? someone that the "original" me that most people know could never truly be. its kinda confusing and idk if im gonna do it, i'll see

thank you for your kind words, im grateful for the support ive gotten so far from everyone

I'm not sure if my experience is similar but I dissociate my mind from my body to cope with trauma so I feel like a customizable video game character and often can't tell if this is truly what I look like. Since I've gotten older I've been able to use certain things to anchor myself down. You said you're passionate about writing music, maybe that could be the gateway to building yourself a more stable identity? You seem to have a lot going on in your mind that the people around don't understand which is causing you distress, I'd say maybe make a list of all your complicated thoughts and different identities and try to work on why they came to be. A good therapist is also very helpful. I'm sorry you're going through this I hope maybe something I said helped, wishing you good luck on your journey.

thank you so much. listing the different personalities and figuring them out is actually a great idea. i had 2 therapists before who helped me kinda escape my suicidal thoughts, but ive never discussed these issues with them. might look into that too, tysm

It sounds like you might be genderfluid. This basically means that your gender changes many times instead of just sticking to one all the time. You could experiment with making new friends and asking them to use she/her pronouns to see if they work for you all of the time or feel comfortable only some of the time. As far as physical changes go, those would be up to you. An important part to remember is , regardless of other people's perceptions, that you recognize and acknowledge yourself to be the gender you identify with in your head.I used to pin a lot of my traits to gender as well. Feel free to message me if you want to talk about gender dysphoria more, but fyi I won't be here long.

though ive heard of genderfluidity before ive never actually looked into it or considered it a label for me. i might now considering it sounds quite similar to what i experience. same with gender dysphoria (ive wanted to write a song about that for some time but never really could, maybe now i will)

also in regards to physical changes, i REALLY want to loose a TON of weight. i dont want to be like emaciated, but i hate how my body looks. i think my face is okay, but the rest is gross. ive had so many dreams of being super skinny. all of the clothes that just fit now would be huge and i love that style. ive wanted it for so long. but on the other hand i love food. i try to starve myself but my mom ruins it which is kinda funny. she is a great cook and i am so grateful for that. but she doesnt understand how badly i want to be slim. she says she does too, yet we do the exact opposite of what we should. hopefully when im alone in college i can actually start to work on it. i know how to make everything she does, but id rather look good. besides it would be easier to dress up as a girl if i did that. it would be perfect. i hope i can one day.

thanks for the tips!

 

[TheLastGreySky]

thanks for sending it, ill give it a listen!

aw i love parties and want to go to more even tho im not the type to be there

something that i forgot to mention is that i was planning on changing my identity for performances. i go to a music school and im in a few different bands. i had the idea where depending on the band id dress and act like an entirely different person than who most people know me as. this person would be like, a different shade of me ig? someone that the "original" me that most people know could never truly be. its kinda confusing and idk if im gonna do it, i'll see

thank you for your kind words, im grateful for the support ive gotten so far from everyone

thank you so much. listing the different personalities and figuring them out is actually a great idea. i had 2 therapists before who helped me kinda escape my suicidal thoughts, but ive never discussed these issues with them. might look into that too, tysm

though ive heard of genderfluidity before ive never actually looked into it or considered it a label for me. i might now considering it sounds quite similar to what i experience. same with gender dysphoria (ive wanted to write a song about that for some time but never really could, maybe now i will)

also in regards to physical changes, i REALLY want to loose a TON of weight. i dont want to be like emaciated, but i hate how my body looks. i think my face is okay, but the rest is gross. ive had so many dreams of being super skinny. all of the clothes that just fit now would be huge and i love that style. ive wanted it for so long. but on the other hand i love food. i try to starve myself but my mom ruins it which is kinda funny. she is a great cook and i am so grateful for that. but she doesnt understand how badly i want to be slim. she says she does too, yet we do the exact opposite of what we should. hopefully when im alone in college i can actually start to work on it. i know how to make everything she does, but id rather look good. besides it would be easier to dress up as a girl if i did that. it would be perfect. i hope i can one day.

thanks for the tips!

Hey speaking of your comment about multiple personas you should really look into David Bowie because he had multiple personas for his stage performances, oh... And he's David Bowie

 

[Winterreise]

Catholicism might be the problem here

 

[whoineverwas225]

Catholicism might be the problem here

why do you say that? i disagree, but id like to hear you out