Who has a hard time waiting?

[TBONTB]

I am in such a stir mentally...constant agitation and fear, fear, fear. There are some financial/legal reasons for me to wait until next year to complete my plan, but I am so ready to leave this all behind. I hate going to like things are "normal". I can't imagine going on a vacation, seeing a movie. I see friends, but kind of in a daze. I've got so much work to help get things ready for when I'm gone, but I can hardly think through a single task. Anyone relate? Got any tips?

 

[ElTopo]

I am in such a stir mentally...constant agitation and fear, fear, fear. There are some financial/legal reasons for me to wait until next year to complete my plan, but I am so ready to leave this all behind. I hate going to like things are "normal". I can't imagine going on a vacation, seeing a movie. I see friends, but kind of in a daze. I've got so much work to help get things ready for when I'm gone, but I can hardly think through a single task. Anyone relate? Got any tips?

I relate, I'm waiting because a certain amount of time has to pass since signing my life insurance (house mortgage) for it to cover suicides (I know weird).
I try to keep it separated from the rest of my life, like I have a illness and already know the day I'm going to die, most days I still wish it was over but I struggle to live as if nothing is going on, some other days it genuinely helps me feel better to behave like this. I have made a decision to wait so I just want to make sure to not become the very worse part of me until then

 

[secretghost]

I understand. Waiting is hard but really important if you're making an informed decision that's true to yourself. You still have things to do. You aren't quite ready yet. The option to go never goes away and take solace in knowing the ONLY promised, certain thing for a human life is that every single one ends, without fail. You'll be gone eventually, whether you always feel this way or not. I tend to compartmentalize very intensely, personally, which helps me wait. But distraction is critical, and being around other people or feeling like you have other people around, online or IRL. Finding activities where you can lose hours at a time is also good, if your only goal is buying yourself alive-time. Video games, writing self indulgent material, watching movies, making art, binge eating, whatever you enjoy enough in the moment to make it through the moment. For me when my life reached a stage where every action I took felt like 'do something else, or catch the bus?' I shifted my internal rules to look more like this 'i will definitely catch the bus eventually, what rules am I forcing on myself which aren't necessary so I can fully exhaust everything short of catching the bus'
These can range from small to drastic, like, if your whole life you've hated some thing about your life which felt unchangeable, maybe that decision seems smaller in the face of literal death. Haircut or divorce or live in a new state or have fling or go out on a limb for something. This may not be good advice but it's coming just from the best I can think of, in my own current state. I really want to help anyone live as long as they choose to live, and I hope you eventually feel like life is better in one year but I'm not here to try and force you to change your mind. If you are looking for reasons to delay, and you want to CTB but not now and you're worried you may do it now, it may be another form of crisis as well. The brain gets funny before CTB and cognitive constriction can blow things up or shrink them down disproportionate to our true reactions when we are operating from clarity. again, just speaking from my own experience. Wishing you so much the best, you are going through so much and I hope you know you're an incredibly strong and brave individual

 

[Alreadylate]

If you need someone to talk on a daily basis I'm here. My advice is trying to do one thing everyday, as you do more things it gets easier. But most of the time I'm not motivated to do anything and I have to wait during weeks beore I start doing things again.

 

[TBONTB]

I understand. Waiting is hard but really important if you're making an informed decision that's true to yourself. You still have things to do. You aren't quite ready yet. The option to go never goes away and take solace in knowing the ONLY promised, certain thing for a human life is that every single one ends, without fail. You'll be gone eventually, whether you always feel this way or not. I tend to compartmentalize very intensely, personally, which helps me wait. But distraction is critical, and being around other people or feeling like you have other people around, online or IRL. Finding activities where you can lose hours at a time is also good, if your only goal is buying yourself alive-time. Video games, writing self indulgent material, watching movies, making art, binge eating, whatever you enjoy enough in the moment to make it through the moment. For me when my life reached a stage where every action I took felt like 'do something else, or catch the bus?' I shifted my internal rules to look more like this 'i will definitely catch the bus eventually, what rules am I forcing on myself which aren't necessary so I can fully exhaust everything short of catching the bus'
These can range from small to drastic, like, if your whole life you've hated some thing about your life which felt unchangeable, maybe that decision seems smaller in the face of literal death. Haircut or divorce or live in a new state or have fling or go out on a limb for something. This may not be good advice but it's coming just from the best I can think of, in my own current state. I really want to help anyone live as long as they choose to live, and I hope you eventually feel like life is better in one year but I'm not here to try and force you to change your mind. If you are looking for reasons to delay, and you want to CTB but not now and you're worried you may do it now, it may be another form of crisis as well. The brain gets funny before CTB and cognitive constriction can blow things up or shrink them down disproportionate to our true reactions when we are operating from clarity. again, just speaking from my own experience. Wishing you so much the best, you are going through so much and I hope you know you're an incredibly strong and brave individual

Thank you, those are nice thoughts. Appreciate them.