platypusfan
Member
- Jun 29, 2023
- 90
It has been over six months since I've joined this website and while my suicidal thoughts aren't as bad as they were when I did join, my life has significantly worsened, even though I was trying to fix it. It makes me wonder what to even do. I joined at a low point and decided to actually become faithful to recovery, but I have gone in circles for months, actually worse than that, every aspect of my life feels like it got worse except for my own outlook on life which is somewhat annoying because I think I keep inflicting toxic positivity on myself when in reality it is hopeless and I should have killed myself.
Well I don't really want to discuss every bad thing that is going on right now but my question is how do people even get help?? Like actual help? Or does it not exist? I feel so helpless right now and I hate it. I have gone through 5 therapists now and now I lost my insurance so nothing medical is an option, but that didn't work anyways. I feel that I have no family or friends I can talk to. I want help but I don't even know what type of help I want considering nothing is working… maybe something more spiritual/philosophical?? I want to find a purpose I really do but it is so hard and my life is going nowhere. I almost want to ask for help on persuading me to do it no matter how bad that sounds, but I probably still wouldn't even be persuaded for some reason, clearly part of me wants keep going but it's looking like there are no options to keep going and I am so conflicted. I feel like me having to go here to ask for help is a bad sign on actually getting help.. because surely everyone here also struggles with recovery, but if I go somewhere else there is a lack of understanding and an immediate pro life approach which I don't really want. I still want suicide to be an option for me but that's so hard too
Well I don't really want to discuss every bad thing that is going on right now but my question is how do people even get help?? Like actual help? Or does it not exist? I feel so helpless right now and I hate it. I have gone through 5 therapists now and now I lost my insurance so nothing medical is an option, but that didn't work anyways. I feel that I have no family or friends I can talk to. I want help but I don't even know what type of help I want considering nothing is working… maybe something more spiritual/philosophical?? I want to find a purpose I really do but it is so hard and my life is going nowhere. I almost want to ask for help on persuading me to do it no matter how bad that sounds, but I probably still wouldn't even be persuaded for some reason, clearly part of me wants keep going but it's looking like there are no options to keep going and I am so conflicted. I feel like me having to go here to ask for help is a bad sign on actually getting help.. because surely everyone here also struggles with recovery, but if I go somewhere else there is a lack of understanding and an immediate pro life approach which I don't really want. I still want suicide to be an option for me but that's so hard too
