So I spoke about my attempt.
I explained my stay at the psych ward.
So where am I now and what happened.
The night I got home I was relieved. You know I love for everything to smell good so as soon as I opened the door the smell of my home was nice.
My mom started a conversation with me. Of course due to my bad memory I don't remember how she started it or what she said.
But I do remember actually saying how I feel.
With tears pouring down my face I explained that I did the best I could to fix this. I made a deal with God that if I sacrifice everything I ever wanted in exchange to lift this depression off of me I'll do it.
If it meant I would be single forever I'll do it.
If it meant I'll never have a close group of friends I'll do it.
If it meant never having the family I always wanted I'll do it.
All I wanted was to be able to take care of myself and some peace.
Well after I lost my job I snapped.
And I know many think just get another job.
But in the hospital I realized it wasn't just losing a job for me.
I was losing routine.
I was losing familiarity.
I was losing convenience.
I was losing the ability on my hardest days the privilege to mask.
It hit me that I'm such a creature of habit that even though I was annoyed with so many people the actual job was comforting, I was good at it, and I actually liked the job.
I also lost the ability to follow my plan.
I always had a plan that I would take pto and kill myself. So losing my job changed my plan and I don't always do well with change.
So for me getting a new job was an aggravating and terrifying thought.
It meant doing a resume.
Masking For interviews.
Searching.
Waiting for rejection.
Especially when you're 43 with no education or skills it's very scary.
When I got home I remembered I had a 401k. So I found out I had enough money to help me pay bills for 3 months.
I took all the money out and I began a job search.
I didn't really give myself the credit I deserve but I deserve a big round of applause because my world fell apart and I didn't succeed at dying but I got up and tried to salvage this unwanted life.
And while I'm doing the work. The job search and rejection from employers reminds me why I wanted to die in the first place.
My life is nothing but going to work for 8 hours exhausted.
Coming home to clean over the same things wondering why I can't keep a clean home, especially as a single person.
Eating tale out or whatever I can find watching shows I no longer have intrest in or scrolling Instagram for hours until bed.
Get up and repeat.
I think about dying more than ever now.
And to see I really have no options make me feel even more trapped and devastated.
I hate life. I hate God. I hate the universe. I hate people.
And I never felt hate before. I never was this angry before.
And despite mom saying dying won't make it better or go away.
I don't believe her.
My desire for death is so deep.
I get jealous when I hear of a successful attempt.
I get jealous when I hear about a murder or death because instead of them it should of been me. I wish it was me.
I stare at bridges and high buildings and wonder if I can muster up the same courage that I did to drink that antifreeze.
I thought about trying to hire a hitman for myself.
I think about trying to find a suicide pact.
All day I think how will I get out of here.
I'm down to my last bit of money.
I was hired by 2 jobs but quickly found out I'm not smart enough to do them so I didn't last 3 days.
I'm trying to figure out if I should break my lease or just not pay rent and wait for eviction so I'll have money to put my furniture in storage.
And either move back in with my grandmother...and the idea of that makes me Suicidal.
Or try to get into a shelter.
My only ideas for my next attempt is to try to find a generator for CO or travel to Vegas and find a tall building and jump.
Right now I'm waiting to hear from one job and I have a second interview for another job coming soon.
I'm so numb every day and I can't believe this is the situation I'm in.
Who knew it would be this hard to die.
I hope it comes together.
I'm open to suggestions.
But I'm still focusing on the goal and that's to Uber Black.
I say Uber Black...I prefer that to CTB...even in death I'm gonna do it in style
That's a MiMi thing 
I explained my stay at the psych ward.
So where am I now and what happened.
The night I got home I was relieved. You know I love for everything to smell good so as soon as I opened the door the smell of my home was nice.
My mom started a conversation with me. Of course due to my bad memory I don't remember how she started it or what she said.
But I do remember actually saying how I feel.
With tears pouring down my face I explained that I did the best I could to fix this. I made a deal with God that if I sacrifice everything I ever wanted in exchange to lift this depression off of me I'll do it.
If it meant I would be single forever I'll do it.
If it meant I'll never have a close group of friends I'll do it.
If it meant never having the family I always wanted I'll do it.
All I wanted was to be able to take care of myself and some peace.
Well after I lost my job I snapped.
And I know many think just get another job.
But in the hospital I realized it wasn't just losing a job for me.
I was losing routine.
I was losing familiarity.
I was losing convenience.
I was losing the ability on my hardest days the privilege to mask.
It hit me that I'm such a creature of habit that even though I was annoyed with so many people the actual job was comforting, I was good at it, and I actually liked the job.
I also lost the ability to follow my plan.
I always had a plan that I would take pto and kill myself. So losing my job changed my plan and I don't always do well with change.
So for me getting a new job was an aggravating and terrifying thought.
It meant doing a resume.
Masking For interviews.
Searching.
Waiting for rejection.
Especially when you're 43 with no education or skills it's very scary.
When I got home I remembered I had a 401k. So I found out I had enough money to help me pay bills for 3 months.
I took all the money out and I began a job search.
I didn't really give myself the credit I deserve but I deserve a big round of applause because my world fell apart and I didn't succeed at dying but I got up and tried to salvage this unwanted life.
And while I'm doing the work. The job search and rejection from employers reminds me why I wanted to die in the first place.
My life is nothing but going to work for 8 hours exhausted.
Coming home to clean over the same things wondering why I can't keep a clean home, especially as a single person.
Eating tale out or whatever I can find watching shows I no longer have intrest in or scrolling Instagram for hours until bed.
Get up and repeat.
I think about dying more than ever now.
And to see I really have no options make me feel even more trapped and devastated.
I hate life. I hate God. I hate the universe. I hate people.
And I never felt hate before. I never was this angry before.
And despite mom saying dying won't make it better or go away.
I don't believe her.
My desire for death is so deep.
I get jealous when I hear of a successful attempt.
I get jealous when I hear about a murder or death because instead of them it should of been me. I wish it was me.
I stare at bridges and high buildings and wonder if I can muster up the same courage that I did to drink that antifreeze.
I thought about trying to hire a hitman for myself.
I think about trying to find a suicide pact.
All day I think how will I get out of here.
I'm down to my last bit of money.
I was hired by 2 jobs but quickly found out I'm not smart enough to do them so I didn't last 3 days.
I'm trying to figure out if I should break my lease or just not pay rent and wait for eviction so I'll have money to put my furniture in storage.
And either move back in with my grandmother...and the idea of that makes me Suicidal.
Or try to get into a shelter.
My only ideas for my next attempt is to try to find a generator for CO or travel to Vegas and find a tall building and jump.
Right now I'm waiting to hear from one job and I have a second interview for another job coming soon.
I'm so numb every day and I can't believe this is the situation I'm in.
Who knew it would be this hard to die.
I hope it comes together.
I'm open to suggestions.
But I'm still focusing on the goal and that's to Uber Black.
I say Uber Black...I prefer that to CTB...even in death I'm gonna do it in style
That's a MiMi thing 
