Discussion When you were a kid, did you ever imagine you could end like this?

[CelebrateWithMe]

Not, as a child I had a lot of plans, ambitions, posibilities to develop my skills. I imagined that I will be another "man of success" with great job, family, house etc. On the other hand, I always was sure that I didn't want to get old, so I probably taken under consideration to end with myself earlier.
Still few decades left me to become old, but even now I lost my entire motivation.

 

[Allpainnogain]

Not at all. I feel so sad when I think back to when I was a 5-6 year old kid. I was very bright and talkative. I had big dreams and hopes. I feel like that little girl is dead. I killed her.

I relate to this so much

 

[AutumnEmbers]

I certainly never imagined it as a young kid. Even though my family was a dysfunctional mess, I was (for the most part) a fairly happy child. I did well in school, had lots of friends and, although my family was relatively poor, had more or less everything I needed. Things did start to go wrong when I was around 11 though. That was when the bullying got bad and my self esteem started to get stripped away. Mental illness (depression, generalised anxiety and social anxiety) soon followed, the bullying got worse and at 13 I made a pathetic attempt to ctb. My depression always came in bouts though, so during the stretches in between, I managed to remain hopeful. I still did well in school (at least in certain subjects), still had friends and still had a lot of ambition for the future. I really expected things to get better, but instead they became increasingly worse. And now here I am. 10 year old me could never have imagined I'd end up here.

 

[spanishguy22]

it's just so fucked up that the people who actually experience the worst things when young are then cursed with mental illness to suffer all life, while the ones who went lwith childhood like a breeze get to live a happy life. this life is so bullshit and fucking horrible lmao

 

[Donewitheverything]

I didn't even know suicide was a thing until I was 10. Even then, I had no desire. I'd have to say I would have never imagined myself turning into... This. I was a confident, if not somewhat annoying, child. Now I'm a depressed mess who is on autopilot most of the time. And it's been this way since I was 14, when I got abused by someone who I thought cared about me; this gave me trust issues beyond repair and made my anxiety worse. And when other bad things happened in my life, the anxiety just got worse and worse. Why would I want to live like this? Always nervous, insecure, and self-deprecating. Can't function without being reassured.

 

[Realityisawful]

When I was younger I was afraid of death. Now I'm not. Funny.

 

[Zzzzz]

No. I was too naive for pessimism. Then I grew up and learned how monstrous life really is.

 

[JadedGray]

I knew amidst the bullying it would affect my life deeply but I didn't know it would lead to lifelong hikikomori and a life without any form of expression. That is just one aspect that lead me to such a life of course there are other reasons including the accumulative effect of isolation degrading my mind.

I first told myself I would die by suicide when I was a small child, 7-10 years old. Then later, when I was something like 15-17 years old, I told myself that every second I suffered was a punishment for not doing suicide. "If you don't want to suffer, just kill yourself, you idiot." I told myself.

I guess it's because I've suffered from mental, emotional and physical abuse all my life. My parents abused me, my schoolmates abused me etc. I'm nothing but a punching bag. Like Jesus was destined to die on a cross hated by everybody no matter what he said or did, so too was I destined to be a free punching bag.

But of course I also thought it would better than this. I believed, absolutely naively, that if I continued to live and suffer, then when I turned 20 and became an adult everyone would automatically start to respect and like me, as if being an adult was equivalent to being some kind of Pope. Now I'm an adult and people treat me like I was a child.

These both are completely relatable. I've spent more of my life feeling like I'm dying than living.

 

[Quinlor]

When I was younger I was afraid of death. Now I'm not. Funny.

The first time I had been in a psychiatrist was precisely because I had afraid of my suicide thoughts. The doctor said to me at the time that I should't feel fear of death or the suicide thoughts but just never want to do that.

 

[spanishguy22]

The first time I had been in a psychiatrist was precisely because I had afraid of my suicide thoughts. The doctor said to me at the time that I should't feel fear of death or the suicide thoughts but just never want to do that.

Typical #wowthanksimcured response

 

[s66]

yes, I always had strange feelings as a child every so often

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

No way!!! I was absolutely sure I was going places, that I would become successful and everything!!! I never even thought once about killing myself. Moreover, I couldn't understand why anyone would want to ctb. Especially rich people. I think I was very judgmental. Now I understand it too well……

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot remember ever wanting to be alive and from a young age I have found death comforting. It has never felt right, me being alive. However back then I did not know how bad things could get. Things have only got worse as time has passed.

 

[In2thewoods]

Title

No, even though much of my childhood was unhappy, I always thought I'd die in a war

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I never thought it would end this way, but once I started down this path, I knew it was the only way it could end.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

I was depressed since the moment I became self-aware. I had death wishes since I was about 4. And I had some semblance of CTB plans since I was 6. That is, I always hated my life. Although, as a child, I thought all my problems would magically go away when I'd become an adult. Because at least I'd be able to drink and smoke

That did not come true. I now know that Democrats can destroy my life with nothing more than a personal whim "for my safety", like the Biden-19 quarantines. At the same time, I can equally easily defy their whims with my newfound conservative friends, like I did in May last year. That, and travel to the adjacent state, where I went for a haircut, a drink in a bar, and a hike in a park, all of which were impossible in my own libturd state that almost made me commit suicide.

 

[In2thewoods]

It makes me so sad that everyone on this forum was at one time a smiling child. Anyone ever see the movie with Robert Deniro called, The Fan? SPOILER ALERT: Anyway, its a sad movie about a failed guy who has a shit job, does some bad stuff and eventually ctb by cop. At the end just as the credits roll it shows a picture of him as a happy child in a moment of triumph. I cried uncontrollably after that. Even now, I break down just writing about it.

 

[The Lonely]

Yes!
It was kind of my worst nightmare …
It just became true quite sooner than I was expecting…

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

It makes me so sad that everyone on this forum was at one time a smiling child. Anyone ever see the movie with Robert Deniro called, The Fan? SPOILER ALERT: Anyway, its a sad movie about a failed guy who has a shit job, does some bad stuff and eventually ctb by cop. At the end just as the credits roll it shows a picture of him as a happy child in a moment of triumph. I cried uncontrollably after that. Even now, I break down just writing about it.

I was never a "smiling" child. I had wishes of dying as early age 4. And I had some crude CTB plans since age 6. But the movie I wished to model myself after was "Falling Down", not "The Fan". That is, spend time with quirky strangers, cause some mayhem, hurt a bunch of dregs of society (like those gangsters near the beginning), blow up some shit, stick it to a bunch of bureaucrats (like those road construction workers), and die at the end to avoid arrest by cops.

 

[Beeper]

In hindsight I now realize that I was mentally unwell as a child. But at the time when I was growing up I was never able to put things into perspective and realize how bad things can get.

They say ignorance is bliss, but I do wish that I had some insight pertaining to my mental health when I was younger.

 

[checkedout]

Kind of ,yeah. I was always sad and lonely -- even at age 5. I didn't feel loved by my dad (ever) and by the time I was 13 or so, I didn't feel loved or seen by my mom either.

 

[Labean]

Детство было чудесным и волнующим. Но в будущем было столько предательства со стороны близких и любимых, что я сейчас здесь.

 

[HiImPaul]

No, it wasn't until I left uni that I felt this way. I got my "dream" job and worked there for 3 months. Then something just broke inside me. I thought "this is what I have to do almost everyday for the rest of my life?". Now I'm severely depressed and don't find joy in anything anymore. Everything seems like a crappy distraction to how terrible life actually is.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I never thought I'd end up this way as a kid. I just distracted myself by playing video games and hanging with my brother.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

NEVER, never thought of it. I often have talks and apologize to my younger self, the one that was a kid and had a lot of dreams and aspirations. I apologize to him for ruining his dreams and not being able of keeping it up. It can be very painful to think of that.

 

[nico1420]

i cant really remember when was the first time i knew i didnt wanted to live till old age...but i guest that it started after 12's or something like that...before that i already thought about death some times but i was still protected by my childish resilience

 

[LonelyBrazilian]

Before I was 14 I thought that when I grew up I would have a good job, go to a good college, have friends and a girlfriend. Now I'm 22 and the only thing I have is my bed where I spend the whole day lying down.

 

[Toonloon]

Yes. All the time. Since I was 4

 

[moths]

known since i was about 9. i always wanted control over my own death, never wanted to succumb slowly to a horrifying disease. never wanted to be stripped of what little dignity i have left. i just never imagined it would come so soon. thought maybe i'd live a somewhat long and fulfilling life and kill myself the minute i noticed signs of something like cancer or dementia. oh well.

 

[Aeathelina]

Yes because around 7-8 is when my whole life when to hell with abuse and poverty so bad that CPS was called numerous times because of how i looked and smelled. I was born with a lot of health issues and so i always felt that I was a burden and that if I had never been born than my family never would have moved to his horrible town and struggled as hard as we did