Discussion When did you decide that you want to ctb?

[0utsider.]

Just curious about when you guys first decided you were going to ctb. Personally I was about 9-10 when I fully decided that I wanted things to end. My feelings about ending it have never went away. How was it like for you guys? When did you first decided it and did your feelings about ctb ever go away, even for a small period of time?

 

[Lamentice]

As far back as I can remember I thought I'd either die by suicide or murder. As a little kid I imagined my adulthood being lonely and isolated, my mother kept stories I wrote when I was 7 and they were all about death & grief, I don't even remember being 7 much lol, but apparently not even then was I "happy" or whatever the fuck. The first little story I wrote was about a teenage boy coming home and finding his dog dead, and I was a little little kid when I wrote that.

I don't know when I decided, I feel like this was always the lurking destination and I've just made better and more serious plans over time, and now I have the best & simplest one: gun.

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

I've wanted to die since I was 12

 

[MrMegalomaniac]

I think I first realized I was depressed around 12, but around 14 is when I realized that life would only get harder and that there was only one way out.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've always and only wanted to permanently cease existing and simply just existing is enough to make me wish for true peace from this existence that I just always saw as a mistake that only ever causes all this futile suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

To suffer in this existence will just always be an abomination to me, all that existence ever does is just torture existing beings and I'll just always find it so deeply undesirable to suffer in this existence in every way, for me non-existence is all that's positive. All I want is to be permanently unconscious finally at peace from this existence that never should had been imposed, it's just so terrible to me how a human can be burdened with this torturous existence for so long just to face the terrible extreme agony of old age, all I want is to never suffer again, only in non-existence will I be at true peace from all pain and suffering.

 

[verminnnn]

i was seven the first time i asked my parents to let me die

 

[letsnotmakeittoo22]

I think my first SI was my first attempt at 7.

I was overhearing my mom get a makeshift intervention done downstairs, and I always felt guilty about me being the reason she used drugs. So i don't remember what lead up to my breakdown, but I had tried to put a bag over my head and use a ligature. Maybe seen it in a movie or something idk. Obviously that didn't work, and no one found out. This spiralled into SH, snd numerous other attempts ranging in severity ( was comatosed from an OD attempt at 13, hospitalized and put in inpatient three months later following another attempt. ) and now here at 23, nearly 24, last two years I've been hospitalized twice for attempts. still struggling. Everyday.

Idk if it gets better. Sometimes it does. Then it all comes crashing down again. I just hope I can get it right eventually.