Discussion When did you decide that you want to ctb?

[0utsider.]

Just curious about when you guys first decided you were going to ctb. Personally I was about 9-10 when I fully decided that I wanted things to end. My feelings about ending it have never went away. How was it like for you guys? When did you first decided it and did your feelings about ctb ever go away, even for a small period of time?

 

[Lamentice]

As far back as I can remember I thought I'd either die by suicide or murder. As a little kid I imagined my adulthood being lonely and isolated, my mother kept stories I wrote when I was 7 and they were all about death & grief, I don't even remember being 7 much lol, but apparently not even then was I "happy" or whatever the fuck. The first little story I wrote was about a teenage boy coming home and finding his dog dead, and I was a little little kid when I wrote that.

I don't know when I decided, I feel like this was always the lurking destination and I've just made better and more serious plans over time, and now I have the best & simplest one: gun.

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

I've wanted to die since I was 12

 

[MrMegalomaniac]

I think I first realized I was depressed around 12, but around 14 is when I realized that life would only get harder and that there was only one way out.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've always and only wanted to permanently cease existing and simply just existing is enough to make me wish for true peace from this existence that I just always saw as a mistake that only ever causes all this futile suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

To suffer in this existence will just always be an abomination to me, all that existence ever does is just torture existing beings and I'll just always find it so deeply undesirable to suffer in this existence in every way, for me non-existence is all that's positive. All I want is to be permanently unconscious finally at peace from this existence that never should had been imposed, it's just so terrible to me how a human can be burdened with this torturous existence for so long just to face the terrible extreme agony of old age, all I want is to never suffer again, only in non-existence will I be at true peace from all pain and suffering.

 

[verminnnn]

i was seven the first time i asked my parents to let me die

 

[letsnotmakeittoo22]

I think my first SI was my first attempt at 7.

I was overhearing my mom get a makeshift intervention done downstairs, and I always felt guilty about me being the reason she used drugs. So i don't remember what lead up to my breakdown, but I had tried to put a bag over my head and use a ligature. Maybe seen it in a movie or something idk. Obviously that didn't work, and no one found out. This spiralled into SH, snd numerous other attempts ranging in severity ( was comatosed from an OD attempt at 13, hospitalized and put in inpatient three months later following another attempt. ) and now here at 23, nearly 24, last two years I've been hospitalized twice for attempts. still struggling. Everyday.

Idk if it gets better. Sometimes it does. Then it all comes crashing down again. I just hope I can get it right eventually.

 

[laceydreams]

The moment I realize living ain't shit

 

[pond]

I'd say 10. Though the existential dread was there since 8-9 years of age.

 

[retstardeda$$hole]

idk maybe 12 or 14 idr. I felt good when I realized I was trans, fast forward 4 years I fully transitioned but the thoughts came back and I will be endsing it soon

 

[delinquentsandwich]

I've had ideation since I was 12 or so
never acted on it because I still had hope

only started seriously planning in December or so
realizing that I cannot keep living like this
it feels very freeing to have a way out

 

[zxcvbn3857]

As far back as I can remember, I never wanted to exist. I didnt really understand the implications of how I felt until around 8 or 9.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

i first attempted at nine, i dont remember much about it or when i first had the thoughts. there was sometimes when i was older when i more just thought about suicide but didnt actually plan to do it but i attempted when i was 20 and again more recently too within the past year

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

On and off constantly. Just got very depressed and suicidal today when I learned I have a slim-to-none chance of a return offer or extension from my internship. I'm the only IT intern that wanted it and didn't get it. There were 7 of us, 4 got it, 2 didn't want it, I did and didn't get it. The real kicker is I've been told by people my capstone presentation was phenomenal, so I really thought I impressed them enough, but I suppose not. I've got a meeting tomorrow to hand over documents and discuss the impact of my project but that's probably it for me.

As a result, something I really poured my all into not working out, I think it is my final straw. There's many things beyond that. Many, many things. But that is the biggest and most recent one that really tipped the scales.

 

[Chili]

I had passive suicidal ideation when I was in hs. I would constantly think about committing suicide but what that meant didn't really "set in" until I was in college. Then, it just kind of became something I knew I'd do eventually. I tried to get help for it but some part of me just wonders if I'm incurable or destined to die. I don't think the feelings went away for me but there have been periods of time where they had a less prominent effect on my life

 

[tiramisu]

i always knew it.

 

[leowantstobedead]

I've wanted to die since I was 12

Same if I remember right

 

[outrider567]

Just curious about when you guys first decided you were going to ctb. Personally I was about 9-10 when I fully decided that I wanted things to end. My feelings about ending it have never went away. How was it like for you guys? When did you first decided it and did your feelings about ctb ever go away, even for a small period of time?

Within 24 hours after she died