Discussion When you were a kid, did you ever imagine you could end like this?

[Kikoo Loool]

As long as I remember I've always hated myself and wanted to die, but never was enough courageous for it.

 

[drakewantstogo]

I've been like this since I was a kid to be honest, just had some motivation to keep going that now I don't

 

[Final Escape]

Sadly I did. I began to feel hopeless about my future pretty early on. I just felt like I was suffering a lot in my childhood. It was neglect, some abuse, poverty, possible learning disability. I had the sense early that I might be fucked in this life. I would have needed early intervention to not go off the rails.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

No. I'm not surprised I ended up like this. I'm surprised that I can't keep a job. Not sure where that one came from but my depressions been here my whole life.

 

[Volomori83]

I first tried to kill myself aged 9, as a result of relentless bullying. Things got better until my late teens when a tragedy triggered a relapse back to being suicidal. I've managed to eek out a bit of a life since but suicide has always been in my mind. I don't ever remember a time conceiving any possibility I might live to an old age.

 

[Angie6173]

Never, but as a kid I kept thinking to myself If i were to die I'd go to hell. I grew up Catholic

 

[Begemont]

Yes. I now wouldn't call it a real attempt since there was no chance in hell that it would've succeeded, but I did try to slit my wrists when I was 10. Been downhill since then, pretty much. The idea that I might've had a decent life seems the more improbable one to me.

 

[Dark Soul]

I was 5, 6 or 7 years old. I prayed for death, I remember me. I have little memory of the time. Violence and all that. I hated myself. I was afraid.

 

[StillWaiting]

When I was young, I wanted to die because of small little things.
Back then sometime I suddenly think about how my parents are going to leave me first and I will be stuck in this living hell on my own.
Now I just learnt that this is the only way out of my misery. To say the truth, I didnt expect myself to turn out to be like this. Always wanted to live normally like others. Guess that can only be a dream that will never come true.

 

[abandonedoldshed]

I remember wanting to die when I was 8. I'm neuro-atypical and gay and it felt like the whole world was a joke that everyone else was in on and I had no idea what was going on. Still don't, really. I don't understand why the world is so cruel.
There have been moments of happiness, and years of it even, and I thought maybe for a while, I'd have a normal life. But then my daughter died before she even started school, and I will never have a normal life now. It's completely impossible.

 

[mattwitt]

I honestly never contemplated suicide till I was at least 35 y/o

 

[Escaper Boy]

I considered myself as very intellectual in my childhood. I thought because I was smart, my future would be straight and narrow. Get the straight A, graduate at top school, have the perfect career that makes everyone envy. Never would I imagine things to turn out like this! Severely depressed, stuck in unhappy circumstances, be the target of shaming from all family, and feeling suicidal on daily basis.

I feel even more depressed after writing this. I wish all of these are just a dream. A really bad one. I want to wake up and face different reality, anything!

 

[spanishguy22]

I considered myself as very intellectual in my childhood. I thought because I was smart, my future would be straight and narrow. Get the straight A, graduate at top school, have the perfect career that makes everyone envy. Never would I imagine things to turn out like this! Severely depressed, stuck in unhappy circumstances, be the target of shaming from all family, and feeling suicidal on daily basis.

I feel even more depressed after writing this. I wish all of these are just a dream. A really bad one. I want to wake up and face different reality, anything!

Yeah. Describes me exactly. Sorry dude. We were just really unlucky in this life.

 

[Everglow]

hell no :/

 

[Please_stop]

I often felt lonely and unhappy as a child, but always managed to comfort myself with food, books or the few friends I had.
From 11 to 17, whenever I felt miserable, I'd just cry in bed and hope that someone, someday, would come and rescue me, holding me and making me believe that everything was going to be alright, that I was a good person, that they would never stop loving me and they understood my pain, and knew that it wasn't my fault.
After that, I slowly began to realize that it was never going to be like that, and that there would probably come a day when I just was not going to take it anymore.
As of now, I'm just waiting. I'm pretty sure that the day will come in a very near future, but I can't leave as long as I feel hope, however little it may be

 

[KolechiaPurple]

Yep. I always knew it was going to end this way. Well, earliest memory of wanting to die is age 9 but I honestly never had any dreams/plans for the future. I never planned my dream job or even my dream wedding which was popular with the other girls at my school. Some people are honestly destined to commit suicide and I'm one of them

 

[Felicità]

yes. I'm thinking about ctb as long as I can remember things, life has simply been unbearable. Later I managed to find something meaningful in life. Though I can trick others, I cannot trick myself. All is absurd.

 

[Santiago]

Absolutely. Getting raised by an alcoholic mother, having to take care of myself for as long as I remember and meanwhile getting heavily bullied at school I am actually surprised I am still here.

 

[Tabbyql]

Sadly yes since i was like 9 or 10. It's always been this.

 

[Only Me Here]

Yes always knew it would end like this. Never. Saw myself having or being certain things. Never saw myself turning 40, from which i am months away.

 

[NOT]

80 years of life is a lot of time for one not to be facing reality of death at some point.

 

[Meretlein]

Never.

 

[Marz]

Not at all. I feel so sad when I think back to when I was a 5-6 year old kid. I was very bright and talkative. I had big dreams and hopes. I feel like that little girl is dead. I killed her.

 

[Roberto]

My chronic depression started at age of 10 I believe, but of course in that age I probably didn't know what is suicide etc.

I think it could be my case also. At that age my parents got separated. It could be the start. But I didn't know the existence of suicide. I tried to harm myself without eating a day or two. But I still didn't know how to do it. As a kid and a teen, I didn't have internet (it wasn't available in the 90's ... yes bbs)

 

[JustDie]

Yes. It has always been like this. I thought I would've found something, but I always knew that there is notihng and that I should just die.

 

[TAW122]

No, certainly not. It wasn't until I was an adult and in college that I slowly realized that my life will end up where I am today. Sure, I've thought about CTB'ing but never really gotten deep into that thought and pondered it thoroughly until I've entered college. I've became nihilistic and anti-natal during the latter part of college and still am in regards to life.

 

[Xaphous]

I knew amidst the bullying it would affect my life deeply but I didn't know it would lead to lifelong hikikomori and a life without any form of expression. That is just one aspect that lead me to such a life of course there are other reasons including the accumulative effect of isolation degrading my mind.

 

[Manaaja]

I first told myself I would die by suicide when I was a small child, 7-10 years old. Then later, when I was something like 15-17 years old, I told myself that every second I suffered was a punishment for not doing suicide. "If you don't want to suffer, just kill yourself, you idiot." I told myself.

I guess it's because I've suffered from mental, emotional and physical abuse all my life. My parents abused me, my schoolmates abused me etc. I'm nothing but a punching bag. Like Jesus was destined to die on a cross hated by everybody no matter what he said or did, so too was I destined to be a free punching bag.

But of course I also thought it would better than this. I believed, absolutely naively, that if I continued to live and suffer, then when I turned 20 and became an adult everyone would automatically start to respect and like me, as if being an adult was equivalent to being some kind of Pope. Now I'm an adult and people treat me like I was a child.

 

[Letmego. Please]

Yes, i knew as a kid that i would either have a great life (unlikely) but then be run over by a bus randomly Or i would die by my own hand.

 

[Allpainnogain]

No. I had a pretty happy childhood. Ups and downs throughout the years but the last year of my life has been absolute hell.