Story When I knew "it's over" for me

[TAW122]

Over the course of my life, I had many things go wrong and progressively worsen over time (anxiety and other issues in life that), along with things I can't change (Aspergers, and other existential problems). While there are good things in between, it is fleeting and only temporary reprieve. In general, I knew that "it's over" and it is a matter of time before I ctb, only waiting for the right time, getting things in order, before I go. With that said, I'm sorta just living on borrowed time for now and just another major catalyst away from actually going through. I have tried all sorts of things to improve my situation, but it either does little to no good, or at most, a temporary fix and then problems start to arise again. Also, when things progressive get worse and doesn't seem to get better, along with a bunch of presumptuous people preaching about (false) hope and how things will improve and try to shame and get people to continue living, never give up, etc. That doesn't encourage me, but rather annoys and pisses me off even more. It makes me want to die even more. Finally, I have mostly come to peace knowing that at age 29, life is generally just that, work work work, some break and some milestones here and there, get old and retire (if possible by a few decades - but that's a different topic altogether), then end up being crippled and needing a caretaker (if disease and other health things don't already cause death), and eventually, still die. I figured I'd rather cut to the chase than to go through all of that and that life itself just sucks. Even with the sparse moments of joy, it's not worth decades of suffering.

When did you realize it's over for you and that CTB will be a likelihood for your future?

 

[Freedom Believer]

Over the course of my life, I had many things go wrong and progressively worsen over time (anxiety and other issues in life that), along with things I can't change (Aspergers, and other existential problems). While there are good things in between, it is fleeting and only temporary reprieve. In general, I knew that "it's over" and it is a matter of time before I ctb, only waiting for the right time, getting things in order, before I go. With that said, I'm sorta just living on borrowed time for now and just another major catalyst away from actually going through. I have tried all sorts of things to improve my situation, but it either does little to no good, or at most, a temporary fix and then problems start to arise again. Also, when things progressive get worse and doesn't seem to get better, along with a bunch of presumptuous people preaching about (false) hope and how things will improve and try to shame and get people to continue living, never give up, etc. That doesn't encourage me, but rather annoys and pisses me off even more. It makes me want to die even more. Finally, I have mostly come to peace knowing that at age 29, life is generally just that, work work work, some break and some milestones here and there, get old and retire (if possible by a few decades - but that's a different topic altogether), then end up being crippled and needing a caretaker (if disease and other health things don't already cause death), and eventually, still die. I figured I'd rather cut to the chase than to go through all of that and that life itself just sucks. Even with the sparse moments of joy, it's not worth decades of suffering.

When did you realize it's over for you and that CTB will be a likelihood for your future?

When my Dad gave me the ultimatum. I knew I was never going to succeed.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Physical health deteriorating to the point I couldn't work or go to school, prognosis was very poor. People I knew in their 30s and 40s with this illness generally lived awful lives, Bedbound almost all day.

Still, I persevered on account of my then partner encouraging me to keep fighting. For her. And when she told me she wanted to end things, I knew it was over for me. I could never fight losing her AND this crippling illness. She was and still is the Center off my universe.

So now I'm just preparing to CTB.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I've had a pretty rough life with little reprieve myself. I'm not much older then you and I've known since I was a teenager that I'd end up taking my own life one day. I also feel like I'm on borrowed time and often wonder how I've even made it this long. I even had a cousin tell me once that her and a few other relatives thought I'd have killed myself by now.

Some of us just can't seem to catch a break. When something bad happens to me now I'm not even surprised or hurt anymore I just laugh about it. People still think platitudes will fix everything and it does annoy me a bit as well.

The prospect of wage slavery and waiting for life to take everything from you is not a very bright one. I've already accepted that I'll never reach the age of retirement even if I lived out the rest of my natural existence. I feel for the future generations as the world is only becoming more cold and bleak.

 

[mesohappy]

Over the course of my life, I had many things go wrong and progressively worsen over time (anxiety and other issues in life that), along with things I can't change (Aspergers, and other existential problems). While there are good things in between, it is fleeting and only temporary reprieve. In general, I knew that "it's over" and it is a matter of time before I ctb, only waiting for the right time, getting things in order, before I go. With that said, I'm sorta just living on borrowed time for now and just another major catalyst away from actually going through. I have tried all sorts of things to improve my situation, but it either does little to no good, or at most, a temporary fix and then problems start to arise again. Also, when things progressive get worse and doesn't seem to get better, along with a bunch of presumptuous people preaching about (false) hope and how things will improve and try to shame and get people to continue living, never give up, etc. That doesn't encourage me, but rather annoys and pisses me off even more. It makes me want to die even more. Finally, I have mostly come to peace knowing that at age 29, life is generally just that, work work work, some break and some milestones here and there, get old and retire (if possible by a few decades - but that's a different topic altogether), then end up being crippled and needing a caretaker (if disease and other health things don't already cause death), and eventually, still die. I figured I'd rather cut to the chase than to go through all of that and that life itself just sucks. Even with the sparse moments of joy, it's not worth decades of suffering.

When did you realize it's over for you and that CTB will be a likelihood for your future?

I feel you friend and also have enjoyed and been enlightened and encouraged by your posts on the firearms thread..I think my final moment came today..My finances are fully exhausted,Im insolvent,depressed and alone.Seems like time to check out.I had a glimmer of hope this morning.But that has faded quikly like a falling star.

 

[CynicalHopelessness]

At this point I don't even need to write anything myself, because it's as if @thrw_a_way1221221 just describes how I feel better than I could myself. Thank you for posting this .

As for me, it was after my period of remission, when I truly believed my life could be better and did everything I could think of to feel better. And I did, for the time, but ultimately failed to achieve what I think now is the most meaningful thing for me - close connections to others. After that, it became a question of "when" rather than "if".

 

[TAW122]

Thanks for the support everyone and I'm pretty much set on CTB'ing since the last decade or so, it has just reached a near breaking point for me. I am currently just biding my time until my inevitable CTB (no exact date set yet though), but it could be in 2020, depending on how things are going. I also have a few things to get sorted before I go (not that it really matters, but it's more for others' comfort. I am also doing it out of my own free will rather than compulsion.).

 

[Broken Chimera]

When I realized even if I got rich tommorow, it wouldn't replace what I lost. It wouldn't magically make me want to be around others and it wouldn't heal me. Life is just dull now to the point where I don't even want to deal with it. I don't find enjoyment in anything. I'm just numb at this point.

 

[porfin1234]

I'm embarrassed to even write here because my life has been spectacular.

I've had suicidal ideation since I was 14 - maybe it's genetics (mom was suicidal) but for some reason always hated myself and wanted to die. Always took things too seriously and was overly sensitive and negative. Then finally had really really high peak (still overly sensitive and cried a lot) last year... I was who I wanted to be all along. Stupidly ran away from ideal life and did not adapt to all the drastic changes. Lost my shit, sabotaging two jobs out of sheer laziness (teacher takes a lot I just somehow had it easy most of the time- relatively speaking) and now that I have thousands of dollars in bills, drunk in public on record (forget my career at this point), I don't want to live knowing I'll probably have to work from the bottom with all this crazy debt. And constant torture of what was. In a way all the amazing things from last year are keeping me going because I haven't quite lost it all.

Part of me wants to wait til everything crumbles so I am forced to CTB but I'm terrified I'll never have the guts to and now have to live with fact I threw away my blessed life and the consequences that follow.

I never felt I deserved it anyway.Maybe that's why I so easily turned my back on the life I built last year. I hate my subconscious.

 

[ShadowChild]

Over the course of my life, I had many things go wrong and progressively worsen over time (anxiety and other issues in life that), along with things I can't change (Aspergers, and other existential problems). While there are good things in between, it is fleeting and only temporary reprieve. In general, I knew that "it's over" and it is a matter of time before I ctb, only waiting for the right time, getting things in order, before I go. With that said, I'm sorta just living on borrowed time for now and just another major catalyst away from actually going through. I have tried all sorts of things to improve my situation, but it either does little to no good, or at most, a temporary fix and then problems start to arise again. Also, when things progressive get worse and doesn't seem to get better, along with a bunch of presumptuous people preaching about (false) hope and how things will improve and try to shame and get people to continue living, never give up, etc. That doesn't encourage me, but rather annoys and pisses me off even more. It makes me want to die even more. Finally, I have mostly come to peace knowing that at age 29, life is generally just that, work work work, some break and some milestones here and there, get old and retire (if possible by a few decades - but that's a different topic altogether), then end up being crippled and needing a caretaker (if disease and other health things don't already cause death), and eventually, still die. I figured I'd rather cut to the chase than to go through all of that and that life itself just sucks. Even with the sparse moments of joy, it's not worth decades of suffering.

When did you realize it's over for you and that CTB will be a likelihood for your future?

For a while now. And recently there is just one thing after another. I'm gonna try partial tonight. Probably won't work though. Nothing ever does.

 

[Mizzmini45]

See this is where I'm at. It's pointless to continue at this point. All I have now is look forward to getting old. It seems foolish to put myself through a future I don't want.

 

[Pan]

I knew it was only a matter of time before ctb reared it's ugly head. Last year was hell for me; as if I thought life couldn't get any worse—-now I know. It CAN get worse, and in ways that can scarcely be imagined. I feel like existence itself is conspiring to unseat me.

When I realized even if I got rich tommorow, it wouldn't replace what I lost. It wouldn't magically make me want to be around others and it wouldn't heal me. Life is just dull now to the point where I don't even want to deal with it. I don't find enjoyment in anything. I'm just numb at this point.

Yes, i feel your pain, money just doesn't cut it.

 

[BabyYoda]

For me, I know it's over when I've tried everything to fix the problem but nothing happens.

I know it's really over if the person I care about doesn't care if I CTB.

 

[SenMorta]

Over the course of my life, I had many things go wrong and progressively worsen over time (anxiety and other issues in life that), along with things I can't change (Aspergers, and other existential problems). While there are good things in between, it is fleeting and only temporary reprieve. In general, I knew that "it's over" and it is a matter of time before I ctb, only waiting for the right time, getting things in order, before I go. With that said, I'm sorta just living on borrowed time for now and just another major catalyst away from actually going through. I have tried all sorts of things to improve my situation, but it either does little to no good, or at most, a temporary fix and then problems start to arise again. Also, when things progressive get worse and doesn't seem to get better, along with a bunch of presumptuous people preaching about (false) hope and how things will improve and try to shame and get people to continue living, never give up, etc. That doesn't encourage me, but rather annoys and pisses me off even more. It makes me want to die even more. Finally, I have mostly come to peace knowing that at age 29, life is generally just that, work work work, some break and some milestones here and there, get old and retire (if possible by a few decades - but that's a different topic altogether), then end up being crippled and needing a caretaker (if disease and other health things don't already cause death), and eventually, still die. I figured I'd rather cut to the chase than to go through all of that and that life itself just sucks. Even with the sparse moments of joy, it's not worth decades of suffering.

When did you realize it's over for you and that CTB will be a likelihood for your future?

I disagree with one thing: death isn't a counterpart to life, it is a part of life.

 

[Pan]

Yes, we life as we die...slowly, slowly, slowly...

 

[issyishere]

My health deteriorated to the point of no return, my stomach is almost in constant pain event though I'm only 21, Nothing the docs do seems to help. Only relief seems to be sleeping. So I guess my only relief would be sleeping forever.

 

[TAW122]

@SenMorta I suppose you are referring to the quote in my signature. If so, I'll rethink the statement a bit.

@issyishere I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope you find some solution for your stomach problems, or at least peace, whichever is best for you.

 

[Nem]

Hugs, I knew it was over for me when my dr nearly killed me with meds. I've been on borrowed time now for a couple of years. This freakin sucks like a mofo
Peace/hugs

 

[TAW122]

Thanks @Nem, I feel the same way too... In 2018, I was thinking of dying and even bracing for death as that year is ending, then in 2019, I had two major times where I could have CTB'd had thing gone poorly. Here I am, in 2020, rotting away as well as once again bracing my end as chronic issues continue to plague me and my quality of life.

 

[Polly]

When I could not find a job I could live on after 3 years of trying and knew thst my life would be over anyway.

 

[Zoltiel]

I'm 29, knew it was over for the past 3 months. I got really unlucky with the situation I was born into, and have been trying to fix it ever since. Since then I've gone through many cycles of making some progress, and fucking it all up somehow because my brain is stupid. I don't have any second thoughts about ctb, I know I have to get out of here, I was not meant to survive this long.

 

[Yuqani]

You have a beautiful way with words, @thrw_a_way1221221

You express my sentiments extremely well.
I'll borrow some of them should the need arise, if I may.
Thank you.

 

[MsMaudlin]

When I became poorly with arthritis and fibromyalgia, the pain is getting worse and pain killers are useless.
I literally have no life, no one bothers with me so I'm just stick in bed usually 24/7
I have a free bus pass, but I can't walk to the bus stop, how ironic!

 

[Persil]

My hearing loss and tinnitus drastically lowered my quality of life. Also I'm not able to enjoy my hobbies anymore. So I know it's over for me.

 

[Pan]

Hearing loss must be devastating, tinnitus even more so. I had bout of tinnitus several years ago, but it vanished
spontaneously. I can't imagine going through that for a long period of time. How frequently do you experience it? Is it constant?

 

[TAW122]

@Zoltiel I feel like that too, I was living on borrowed time for the last two or more years and still am right now.

@Yuqani Feel free to, I'm glad that my sentiments were well found and helpful.

@MsMaudlin Yes, that is the irony of people in general and great analogy. They recognize that your condition sucks and that they know that you deserve a bus pass to peace, but then they refuse to let you go on the bus stop (stopping you or preventing you from CTB, finding peace).

@Persil Yes, having tinnitus really sucks and I can see how it will affect your QoL (quality of life) dramatically. I am a hobby musician and I play piano, I could not imagine having tinnitus fucking up my own hearing or losing the ability to do what I enjoy to the degree of my personal satisfaction.

 

[Persil]

Hearing loss must be devastating, tinnitus even more so. I had bout of tinnitus several years ago, but it vanished
spontaneously. I can't imagine going through that for a long period of time. How frequently do you experience it? Is it constant?

I'm glad your tinnitus vanished. Mine is caused by hearing loss and ENT said it probably will stay. Technically I hear it constantly but when I'm focusing on something, I can forget about it for a while.

@Persil Yes, having tinnitus really sucks and I can see how it will affect your QoL (quality of life) dramatically. I am a hobby musician and I play piano, I could not imagine having tinnitus fucking up my own hearing or losing the ability to do what I enjoy to the degree of my personal satisfaction.

Thank you. Listening to music is one of the few things I enjoy. Definitely, inability to hear high frequency sounds and sleep deprivation due to tinnitus sucks.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

When after decades of emptiness, trauma, failure, I thought I met the "one" the BOY FROM LAST SUMMER summer 2018). He turned out the be a sadistic player/narc and I had my first ever BPD break. AT AGE 40.................. I cry for him daily...... I am completely ruined.

i hate it here

 

[ctbUniquectb]

I knew before my first attempt, but let's say I "knew, and then some" when my first attempt failed from an unrelated illness that resulted in 3 surgeries that disfigured me and left me in a permanently painful. There have been subsequent missed busses, each resulting in personal cataclysms much worse than ghastly scars and constant physical agony.

 

[TheEndof]

Somebody betrayed me in the worst way possible. I realized I deserved it. I realized there's no such thing as a happy ending. All I wanted in life was love and acceptance. I'll never find it. I'm too broken and too tired.