Discussion When should you support a friend or let them go?

[Orangee]

I have a friend who is also suicidal, and they will decide to cbt on a whim. Like say we are on the third floor of a building, they will just decide that they want to jump and start climbing over the barrier. So as a concerned friend who thinks they haven't thought it through, I will tell them that they should think it through instead of just acting instinctually. Then they will go back to their apartment, be really happy to see their cat and say things along the lines of wanting to live to stay by their cat's side. So those moments make me think that it's right for me to make sure that they don't cbt out of an impulsive decision but instead make an informed decision about ending their life. I have always told them that if they ever have a long-term plan for cbt, I won't stop them but if they decide it out of the blue, I will talk them out of it.

Sorry for rambling, but I just want to know if it's okay for me to do that? I don't want them to make an impulsive decision to end their life because in that case they aren't making a "choice" they are just being pushed to the edge by their temporary emotions. I don't want them to regret choosing to cbt, but I also don't want to take that choice away from them. And a tiny selfish part of me that I hate also doesn't want them to leave my life, but I always try to not listen to that voice.

What are your opinions?

 

[Scythe]

In those suituations it's better to stop them. Unplanned attempts usually fail and there's a difference with having a method prepared but only following through with it on impulse and scraping up a method in a pinch and attempting. Seeing as this falls into the latter, it's better to stop them and tell them to at least have a plan and prepare things so they don't fail. As they most likely would've if they jumped from 3 floors.

 

[Rev346]

I agree with you. Trying to ctb on impulse usually results in a failed attempt with potentially long lasting injuries. With the swings you described it sounds like there could be BPD but I'm not a doctor (of any kind). As humans I believe it's instinct to not want our loved ones to CTB so your feelings are normal. Just be truthful. You'll miss them but understand it's their decision to make; you just want them to think things through and not make an impulsive decision.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it was definitely wise to stop them jumping from the third floor. Chances are, they would have maimed themselves rather than killed themselves.

Personally, I think it's best to be honest with them. Say you are pro-choice, so in theory, you respect a person's decision to want out. But, I think it's also fair to point out that their moods seem to fluctuate to the extreme. Are they really sure they do want to kill themselves? Are they in that frame of mind the majority of the time? It does strike me as a bit unusual to act that grateful for life after almost attempting.

It's not to belittle what they're going through or doubt that they're serious in the moment about ending it but I think maybe it would be useful if they knew why. Do they? Are they clear on why they want to end it? Personally, I suppose I feel more comfortable with the idea of someone making that decision when it looks like it's something they understand themselves.

Plus, as other people have mentioned, impulsive attempts can well just make matters much worse if they have little to no chance of success. I don't think anyone deserves to maim themselves.

I guess it is kind of curious to me. May I ask- do they self harm? Maybe I'm reading this all wrong but, it almost feels like a way of trying to release what they are feeling at that moment. Not that I think this is something that people should even be belittled for but- it does also draw a lot of attention. Do they do this frequently? It's not to say it isn't serious or that one day they may actually do it but I suppose I wonder whether they want to be stopped and supported if it's something they do a lot in front of other people.

 

[UKscotty]

If someone is talking about CTB then they want help is generally the case so I would try and help.

People at the acceptance stage of our journey are unlikely to tell other people.

 

[Ash]

There's a lot of people who act on impulse like that and that's why there are so many measures to stop people killing themselves, from pills in blister packets to high barriers on bridges. Because these are the people who will regret it, who come to in hospital and are grateful for the second chance.

I think you're doing the right thing and it sounds like your friend really does need support from mental health services.

 

[Orangee]

Thank you all for your responses, I didn't expect so many people to respond :)

I have read through all of your messages and have decided that I will talk about it with them today and let them know that I will be there to support them. THank you for helping me see that it is okay to be pro-choice and still be against impulsive decisions to cbt with a random method.

May I ask- do they self harm? Maybe I'm reading this all wrong but, it almost feels like a way of trying to release what they are feeling at that moment. Not that I think this is something that people should even be belittled for but- it does also draw a lot of attention. Do they do this frequently? It's not to say it isn't serious or that one day they may actually do it but I suppose I wonder whether they want to be stopped and supported if it's something they do a lot in front of other people.

I'm not sure if they self-harm as in cutting, is it okay for me to ask them? I know that when they get really upset, they will punch a wall or bang their head against a wall, and not be able to write with that hand for a few days. Overall they are just a really impulsive person which makes me worry for them. And also they don't really talk about this with other people, it just that we both know that the other one is suicidal, so it's easier to be transparent and have these conversations.

If someone is talking about CTB then they want help is generally the case so I would try and help.

People at the acceptance stage of our journey are unlikely to tell other people.

I've tried getting them help in the past, but was usually met with "I don't want to bother other people about it" or "I don't have enough money for that". I've always told them that they could talk to me if anything was really stressing them out, or if they needed help but I'm not sure if that's enough.

Either way, thank you all for your words, I really appreciate this community for being a space where I can listen to advice that follows my belief system, and where questions like this don't get met with "put them in a mental hospital and make sure that they never cbt"