Story When I knew "it's over" for me

[Mizzmini45]

My health deteriorated to the point of no return, my stomach is almost in constant pain event though I'm only 21, Nothing the docs do seems to help. Only relief seems to be sleeping. So I guess my only relief would be sleeping forever.

When did it start hurting?

 

[issyishere]

When did it start hurting?

about 2 years ago, i look back fondly on times before then

 

[Mizzmini45]

about 2 years ago, i look back fondly on times before then

I'm really sorry I couldn't imagine being in that much pain all the time

 

[Pan]

My hearing loss and tinnitus drastically lowered my quality of life. Also I'm not able to enjoy my hobbies anymore. So I know it's over for me.

Hi just thought I would touch base with you and see how tiinuttis is going. Have you checked out capillary function n your ears? Impeded blood flow cannot be discounted
..

 

[Persil]

Hi just thought I would touch base with you and see how tiinuttis is going. Have you checked out capillary function n your ears? Impeded blood flow cannot be discounted
..

ENT only did hearing tests but he also prescribed me a drug called Betaserc. It is used to improve blood circulation in inner ear. I have taken it for one year but I haven't noticed any improvement.

 

[Dude1983]

After my last surgery 2 month ago, nothing changed and surgery had no effect on me, so nothing left to try about my chronic abdominal pain, only giving relief on sleep as my friend issyishere . Kinda waiting worst state to come again to overcome SI, but it doesnt want to come dunno why. And also 2 years continous years, plus 4 discontinuous

 

[DvirPSSD]

Pssd, no cure, life is over

 

[Fedrea]

Hearing loss must be devastating, tinnitus even more so. I had bout of tinnitus several years ago, but it vanished
spontaneously. I can't imagine going through that for a long period of time. How frequently do you experience it? Is it constant?

How long did you have it for?

 

[ssaaahmo]

by the time i got to seventh grade I knew my life would be permanently fucked

i always had a sense before that that things would go to hell but i guess i didn't understand what death truly meant or what suicide meant until then

 

[LastRide]

When you are afraid to get out of bed since you know you might die today of these wonderful « natural causes » that everybody else outside this forum seems so keen on to die of.....then you know it's time to take matters into your own hands !

 

[Pan]

Yes, I completely agree; when I wake up in the morning, I feel a sense of dread overcome me. I am wired as soon as I get up. My house is a mess and have next to no motivation. Quite frankly, I am sorry I ever bought my house, and find myself languishing in suburbia.

 

[Pan]

You are NOT garbage; you are a noble soul, friend. Tell me all about it—-wasted years, missed opportunities, etc. etc. etc...CTB, said a suicidal friend of mine, is more about a feeling of entrapment; you feel cornered, up against the wall, with nothing but the wall in sight. Once that door is opened, unfortunately, there is no closing it. Better still to find a cause, and fight for it, knowing that in the dying for that cause elevates you in some way. This is why I toy with the idea of going to Kathmandu, and fighting alongside Nepalese Maoists for Nepal's liberation. Yes, my friends think I am crazy to consider it, but what better way to fight -and die? Beats hanging in my basement any day of the week.

 

[Tintypographer]

I realized I had blown 25 years not being loved, in a career I absolutely hate, buying crap that doesn't matter, beiing put down and insulted and treated like a moron. All the best days were wasted and gone I was facing declining years with an angry family who treat me like crap and health that would never be what it was. All of my goals were blown and all that was left was al lower mid management job and making sure reports reconcile for no reason.

 

[Sadkitty]

17 years of nursing and the advice I got the most? "Don't get old"

 

[Pan]

Sadly, you are SO right. Euthanasia now more than ever...I look at a world I know longer recognize, much less interact with. Things seem to be spinning rapidly out of control, with change following change at a velocity I can barely keep pace with.

 

[Pan]

I realized I had blown 25 years not being loved, in a career I absolutely hate, buying crap that doesn't matter, beiing put down and insulted and treated like a moron. All the best days were wasted and gone I was facing declining years with an angry family who treat me like crap and health that would never be what it was. All of my goals were blown and all that was left was al lower mid management job and making sure reports reconcile for no reason.

I know it may sound like I am piling on platitudes, but I feel I share and understand your pain.

I realized I had blown 25 years not being loved, in a career I absolutely hate, buying crap that doesn't matter, beiing put down and insulted and treated like a moron. All the best days were wasted and gone I was facing declining years with an angry family who treat me like crap and health that would never be what it was. All of my goals were blown and all that was left was al lower mid management job and making sure reports reconcile for no reason.

When I could not find a job I could live on after 3 years of trying and knew thst my life would be over anyway.

I myself reckon I have only one, maybe two years left, then its sayonara. What a way to think, huh?

 

[ADruinedmylife]

When I got severe PSSD/anhedonia

 

[waterstrider]

I noticed 2 years ago that my body would give in if I continued starving myself like that (heart failure)...so I started thinking: Would that really be such a bad thing?
And my answer was: No, it would be a relieve. Life has nothing left to give you besides more pain.
Since then I got forced into stopping my self-abuse for a while but now I am back at it again. Determined to die next year be it through starvation or a method from this site.

 

[disillusionment]

When did I know it was over for me... was it at nine years old when I comforted myself by saying "if things get any worse, I can just kill myself." I never made plans for the future or had a dream career because I didn't expect or want to live past 18. Or was it at 17 when I became suicidal over my anxiety, depression and crushing loneliness. I think it could also be in university when I realized that I kept dating guys who are exactly like my abusive father who caused me so much emotional trauma, and that I am doomed to a life of just repeating my childhood trauma over and over again. Of course, maybe if I could afford to go to a very good therapist for a long long time, MAYBE I could get better and break out of that cycle, but maybe not- maybe I would just waste money and time and become more depressed from bringing up all my trauma again and having it dissected, analyzed, scrutinized and misunderstood by a therapist who has never been through what I have and has no empathy for my situation, and maybe that therapist could do more damage than good with unhelpful advice. I did go to counsellors and one had the nerve to say "you're pretty, just get a boyfriend and some friends and you'll be fine." I told him how I felt about a certain situation and he said "no, thats not how you feel" and completely invalidated what I said.

Yes, I think it's the realization that I am trapped in reliving my childhood trauma over and over again, attracting guys who are like my father. The alternative besides therapy which is unreliable, is to stay single forever, which is incredibly lonely and depressing, and people would keep asking me why aren't you dating anyone, why aren't you married yet, why don't you have kids yet, you're a failure because you're unmarried, which would be so painful. Duh it because I don't want to keep putting myself through the Hell I went through as a kid and I don't know how to have a normal healthy relationship and I'm probably not even capable of love because of my shitty parents. I am a rather toxic person in relationships and not capable of having a healthy relationship even if I did meet a "good" guy. The other option is simply hooking up/ shallow meaningless relationships forever but I have learned that that is not an option for me either. So I hate that my options are all horrible. I might also be bisexual but since I have a terrible relationship with my mother too, I dont think I'd have much luck if I decided to try dating women either. It is painful trying to date and connect with someone and then realizing that my partner is just a copy of the person who traumatized me and also seeing all of my toxic behaviours coming to the surface, showing me just how ugly I am inside. Trying to connect and find a home in another human being and ending up right back in my childhood home, a small child cowering in fear, never able to escape from that prison.