When did your suicidal thoughts start?

[Forever Sleep]

When I was 10. I was deeply grieving 3 close family members who had died by then but also having enormous problems with a (suspected) narcissistic family memeber. I still remember that crushing pain sitting on my bed, looking out the window and realising that things felt SO awful that I just didn't want to be here anymore.

Ideation has stayed with me since then (for 33 years.) Still- I don't think I'll ever (hopefully) experience that mix of feeling so painfully in grief and frightened stiff of the next thing this person was going to say or do. I think I'd struggle even now but as a child- I had no clue how to deal with it.

 

[Darkover]

when i was a kid growing up i always thought to my self i would never kill my self and couldn't comprehend why someone would given how happy i was then life happend i had a two year relationship between the age of 16 and 18 that ended and i was devastated the thoughts that i would never have sex again drive me into madness anyway it became a self for filling prophecy and to this day i've not had sex again 18 years later, i became suicidal after a relationship breakdown at 18 now 36 i just wish i had killed my self at 18 my life never did get any better just worse with time

 

[itsallpointless]

8 and 3/4 years old I guess. Couldn't endure my mom's tantrums anymore because they really hurt my confidence so I decided to take a gamble and stand up to her. She then proceeded to beat me up with a chair, hurl insults at me and demean me. At the end of it all I had laid on the floor in surrender bleeding on my legs and feet. To further assert dominance she grabbed a bowl and pressed it against my face, telling me that if I ever pissed her off again the next time the bowl would go over my head.
Then and there I had already determined to commit suicide by hurling myself off a building, but I just couldn't do it because I was terrified of being judged in a bad place in the afterlife, and also I just didn't have the guts to bring myself to do it.

 

[death's lover]

Mine started at 15, the reason was the incessant bullying I suffered at school, sometimes I had to hide in the school bathroom so I wouldn't have to be beaten (I'm 22 now)

at 14 years old...

 

[WitheringBird02]

Mine was 8 or 9 when i was 8 or 9 my life plan was i will study and enjoy life till school is completed then i will die. This legit was my life plan i thought this was normal. But then when i get weird looks from adults when i told them that i wanted to become nothing cuz i will die after school i realised it was not so normal. And here i am now.

 

[wr3ck3d]

When I was 13. I asked my father why he is so cold to me and he said it's because of my age ( which doesn't make sense to me even today). It was also the time when I had a faith crisis, I was raised Catholic by my grandparents and learned to pray and attend church on Sundays when I was really young, so until that age I thought God existed in some way, after, I realized that God doesn't do anything for this world or its' people, and after that I realized Gods exist only through faith and that I should respect those that have faith in something. It's also the time when I discovered my sexuality to no be as straight as others. It was also the time when someone dear to me left. So I had a sort of existential crisis which resulted in a huge depression with suicide attempts and some cuts. I tried partial suspension with a belt and I was left with a scar on my neck for a week, after a year tried to OD with aspirin, I read somewhere 30 should do the trick, had food poisoning for 2 weeks. A few years after and a few cuts, I tried aspirin with alcohol, next morning I was like new.

 

[BllyNoM8s]

Ages 7-10 then they went away despite very traumatic events happening(bullying, father CTB'd at 11, uncle passed from cancer, loneliness) but after a bad situation triggered a mental breakdown back in 2018 I started having them again.

 

[c3pjo]

Someone around 11-12. I just didn't want to be alive anymore. I can't remember a time since then that I actually wanted to be here.

 

[prim]

its come and gone since i was 12 ish years old.. about since i got discord not a coincident. had someone tell me to self harm when i was 13 and i would share them pictures.. not a healthy time

 

[nepeta]

i started thinking about it at 7, not much but still, obviously they've been getting worse over the years

 

[Press X to Bust]

I was always an anxious emotionally fragile kid that couldn't handle life and couldn't find any purpose or goal that would come close to justifying the emotional pain I felt from just being alive. Social isolation and bullying chipped away at any innocence I had until the emotional barriers and coping mechanisms I built had me stuck in an endless cycle of wanting to end everything, watching my life fall apart due to depressed motivationless complacency, but never doing anything about it.

 

[rest in peace]

since i was 10 years old, so 10 years ago. i may finally do it this year. sometimes i regret not doing it sooner, at 10. if only i knew. can it ever get better? is it even worth it to try and wait? how long do i have to wait, or am i doomed?

 

[mistake22]

:/ it's very sad to see the suffering we all share from cruel people and this cruel life.

Sorry about what you've experienced.

But as far as I can remember my thoughts started in freshman year at highschool. I was a drone for most of my life so when I began to have thoughts like that it woke me up to a lot of things.

 

[PeterThePizzaGuy55]

When I was 9-10 I'd pray to God to be "taken away" as I did not understand the whole concept of suicide yet. Then at 11 and 12 I'd pray for someone to come and murder me, or for an awful accident to happen to me and lead to an untimely death. Due to my unpleasant childhood I've felt suicidal for years. I blame my parents/how I was raised.

 

[Ultracheese]

I was 10. I had lost my virginity (non-consensually) so I ran off and tried to get run over by a car (stupid plan, but I was 10 and overdramatic). Someone must have called the cops (I either don't remember or never found out who) who then took me back to the guy who was abusing me.

 

[l0stc4use]

18 right after i graduated high school

 

[Allen123]

The first time I thought about killing myself was when I was 10 years old. I remember it clearly - I was laying on my bunk bed and thinking about death. I told myself that, if a certain thing happens, I would kill myself. It was a really stupid thing too, it was about getting my period. I had just been told that day to follow all the other girls in my class to our teachers office in school, where we were taught about periods. And I didn't even know what suicide was back then since my parents were very protective. Eventually, when I was 11, I did get my period. And I did try to ctb, but I didn't have the courage. I kept my period secret from my parents for more than 2 years. I've thought a lot about why I was so scared, and I like to think it's because I am trans and I already felt like getting my period was 'wrong' when I was a kid. Nowadays I don't have a period anymore, and I am very glad of it.
The first time I tried sh was when I was 12.

 

[suprswag]

I was eight years old, i had watched my mother get abused. It traumatized me, and that's when my thoughts started. My first attempt was also when I was either eight or nine.

 

[JinxDeath]

Mine started at 15, the reason was the incessant bullying I suffered at school, sometimes I had to hide in the school bathroom so I wouldn't have to be beaten (I'm 22 now)

I started having thoughts since I was 8 (so about 2007-2008). Mainly from physical abuse from my mom and bullying at church/school

The first time I thought about killing myself was when I was 10 years old. I remember it clearly - I was laying on my bunk bed and thinking about death. I told myself that, if a certain thing happens, I would kill myself. It was a really stupid thing too, it was about getting my period. I had just been told that day to follow all the other girls in my class to our teachers office in school, where we were taught about periods. And I didn't even know what suicide was back then since my parents were very protective. Eventually, when I was 11, I did get my period. And I did try to ctb, but I didn't have the courage. I kept my period secret from my parents for more than 2 years. I've thought a lot about why I was so scared, and I like to think it's because I am trans and I already felt like getting my period was 'wrong' when I was a kid. Nowadays I don't have a period anymore, and I am very glad of it.
The first time I tried sh was when I was 12.

This is completely valid and I felt the same way about periods, and I am a trans guy. Although, I was devastated and miserably crying rather than having thoughts. I wish you the best in your gender identity journey

 

[fleshgarden]

(sorry for the life story it's fun though :p)
I started having suicidal thoughts when I was 10, and right away they were serious, though I wouldn't completely consider attempting, I would just think about death a lot. it took up most of my time. I think this happened so early because I had just realized the extent of what I'd gone through with my abusive family and all. I would seek attention from my friends, writing that I was suicidal in books that I would let them look through sometimes.. they didn't take it seriously, obviously we were in like 5th grade lol. I would be very suicidal when I was 12, passively attempting and trying to hurt my body and trying to get diseases like hypothermia or something.. I would always constantly be getting upset with the feeling of being abandoned and feeling small, (im like 99 percent sure I have bpd)
when the pandemic started, it would only get worse with my abandonment issues because now I couldn't actually See anyone and I was in an emotionally taxing relationship and dealing with accepting my trauma and dealing with how my dissociation was getting worse.. I would keep getting into breakdowns like 2 times every week and I felt so suicidal but I felt it wasn't serious. I relapsed in sh and my ed (they started when I was twelve) and it steadily grew worse to the point where I'd sh several; times everyday on my thighs, and id lost 15lbs before ei tried "recovering" (I have ednos)
honestly I don't remember much since then. I still felt suicidal but it had gotten better since I'd gotten a girlfriend and I trie day best to have "hope". now it's been years and years and I feel the same way now, except so much worse I think now is the worst these thoughts have happened, I've tried hurting myself in every possible way. I hope that I get what I want this time around

 

[Ghostofthepast]

I was sexual assaulted as a child and it started shortly after that

 

[thereisnomeaning]

Around age 9-10.

 

[WonderfulWeatherDIE]

Middle school, bullying.

 

[CountOfTuscany]

I was 19 in college. Everything was perfect, I was doing well in classes at a good school, I had an awesome girlfriend... and I wanted nothing but death. Never really understood why. Now I'm 24. I even let myself think I had made some progress, but I always find my way back here.