When did your suicidal thoughts start?

[Disappointered]

age 9

things never really got better...

 

[eternalbliss22]

I've had times throughout my childhood due to the abuse I was raised in, but it was only passing thoughts. I only seriously started wanting it about 5 years ago. I've been harassed, spied on, dealt with manipulation, interference with work, family & social, threatened, baited, turned into a pariah & a joke. When I turned to those who are supposed to help like law enforcement, they laughed & turned their backs on me. Turned to counseling only to find that they know about it & do nothing to stop it. My first attempt was about 3 years ago when I loaded my rifle, laid my head on it, thumb on trigger while recording with my iPhone. Only thing that stopped me was a very intuitive cat. Second time was last December when I attempted a partial hanging but the rope wasn't anchored properly, so I injured my neck & throat. They say 3 times a charm.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

When my dysphoria festered and I could no longer stop thinking about it.

 

[The Eeyorish One]

I really can't remember exactly. I know I was under 10, and it was more of a passive ctb desire at the time. It was when my parents were abusive to each other, before they divorced. I remember my younger brother had expressed similar feelings around the same time.

 

[WiltingRoses]

Interesting question.

When my life began to take a sharp decline, I was 6. My first suicidal thought and attempt was at 6. I didn't know what suicide meant or was but after being made fun of by the fat methhead lady who got the kids to also make fun of me, I laid in the road waiting for a car. But she scared me away. I hate her.

I don't remember if this was before or after witnessing my mom attempt suicide with a knife over her wrist, frozen in decision paralysis, but if it was after, then this always on my mind is 100% her fault for introducing the idea to me.

 

[MatthewV3]

16.

 

[pupsensua1]

7 or 8 just whenever homework started to get hard, tests weren't easy and life at home wasn't the best.

 

[lifeiscrap]

I was 12. It really sucks, my adolescence was corrupted by mental illness and it feels like I have missed part of my life.

 

[missingpeace]

Turning point of my life - April 2021, when I experienced a major supernatural entity attack. Spent a few months after that being hopeful but since the last year I've realised nothing is going to change. Now here I am..

 

[imcurious]

The first time I ever truly contemplated suicide was when I was 15-16. But I've been "depressed" since I was a child, for as long as I could remember.

 

[Electronic Music]

It feels warming in a way to read all your responses, though I am sorry that life has gone this way for everyone here.

The thoughts first hit me in middle school, at 11-12. They weren't taken seriously by myself until the end of high school about 5 years ago. It's nice to share.

 

[catastrophix]

The first time I remember thinking about suicide was when I was 6-7 years old. I didn't really plan anything since I didn't really grasp the actual concept of suicide yet, rather I just kept thinking about how much I wanted to die.

 

[thx1138]

At age 11.

 

[umbra_]

Started around 11 for me, made my first (very dumb) attempt at 14.

 

[Viranamari]

At the age of nine, I fell into deep depression and wanted to die. That is probably due to my brain chemistry and there is nothing I can do about it. Or maybe it happened because I was bullied a lot in school. Either ways, that feeling followed me until today despite many years passing.

 

[AJwantsToGo]

When I was just a kid, I don't remember exactly how old I was. I recall always telling myself when I was anxious "if this goes bad I can always kill myself" "if I get a bad grade I can always end my life" etc. It's been like that since then.

 

[bluville]

It's been so long I'm not really sure, I'd have to guess 11 though

 

[FlameWhisperer]

I suppose, from my very first breath. I don't know of a time that it did not exist in my mind.

 

[frog_prince]

mine started at my 19 or 20, my family went broke so I had to work at night to pay my study but not enough to pay the rent and I ended up homeless for almost a year, and so many other unfortunate events occured in my life.
I still remember visiting my friend in the 8th floor apartment and when I looked down from the balcony the ST came to my mind because I believe if I jump all I'm not going to be depressed anymore.

 

[xxAbigailxx]

Always was interested in that topic and was confronted at a young age but only recently have I started thinking about it seriously. I almost died in 2021 because of undiagnosed diabetes 1 and already had a tough life before that.

After almost dying I feel like I do not belong here anymore though...
Like I was supposed to die and every pain and suffering that came after that is punishment for me for surviving...

Idk, I guess I am just tired

 

[vexei]

When I was like 10, started because of my abusive father, has gotten way worse since.

 

[Nillionaire]

I think around when I was 8 or 9 I had the general idea of wanting to stop existing. Life felt pointless and overwhelming and everyone hated me, I wished it would go away. Actually wanting to kill myself started when I was 12 and has steadily increased over the years

 

[stermc]

When I was 9 to 10 years old and it got worse at 12.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

First time at 17 the first month of antidepressant treatment, social alienation and anxiety from childhood trauma make me feel so lonely and misunderstood at this time. I had suicidal thought from time to time during the "treatment" who lasted 4 years. Stopped the meds 7 months ago and have these thought almost everyday because these left me with unbearable symptoms.

 

[wastingpotential]

depressed at 9-10, started sh and then with that came si, been at it since unfortunately

 

[lovesurroundsyou]

I have a fragmented memory due to trauma, but I can remember making a promise to myself at 12 years old that I would ctb once I turned 18, and I constantly fantasized about shooting myself despite that not being an option in my country lol. I didn't even last to 18 though, my first attempt was at 16. My 12-year-old self would be so disappointed in me for still not having been successful. Overall, it's been 12 years since my first thoughts. That's half my life attempting, fantasizing, dreaming.

 

[kitkat7777]

7, I used to get beat up by a girl at my school and nobody did anything. Then my dad passed away at age 9 and my attempts started. My first major OD was on a tricyclic antidepressant.

 

[SleepingGirl]

Once I started developing mental illness in my early adulthood. Only seems to get worse every year that passes me by. I have a brain tumor though which I'm 98% sure is causing everything to be a lot more extreme, my doctor doesn't seem to think so however even though we barely know the effects of anything within the human brain.

 

[ThatFlyGuy]

Around the start of middle school, I had horrible social anxiety and was constantly bullied, my parents aren't bad or anything but I didn't have anyone I could talk to so I slowly considered suicide more and when I turned 16 I would constantly cut my self and sit in the kitchen with a knife to my throat, I was'nt exactly happy but finding a way to express my pain helped me out a lot, I still self harm to much but it's a really easy way to express myself.

 

[kcalpuppy]

i was actually just talking to my partner about this casually while making rice. i thought they started at 12, but i suddenly remembered a very specific incident when i was 8.
my mom and i were making a cake together for my birthday, and i messed something small up and just became completely inconsolable because it wasn't perfect, telling my mom over and over that im bad and should die. and i can remember really, Really feeling that that was true.