I never wanted to die, I just want people to start treating me better and give a shit.

[cherrydrpepper147]

Everybody always walks over me, treats me less than the dirt buried in the ground.

Self-harm started pretty young for me. When I say self-harm, you'd probably imagine cutting or burning, which is what the term is heavily portrayed as in media and the internet. But for me, cutting and burning didn't start until middle school. Before then, I'd bite, scratch, pinch, hit, dig my nails into my skin, and pull on my hair/scalp when sad, angry, frustrated, scared, or even embarrassed. It never stopped, I only participated more violent methods as I got older and as my problems got worse; old habits die hard.

During seventh and eighth grade, I'd purposely wear short-sleeved tops and bottoms to show off my scars, which looking back was a major cry for help. Several people in my grade—buddies with me or not—asked what was on my arms/wrists, shoulders, and thighs. I acted irritated and uncomfortable, but I secretly enjoyed the attention.

I have such a heavy craving for death—specifically suicide. I want to try and commit suicide, survive the attempt, then once again enter my social life after a while and watch people who have knowledge of my attempt stare and gossip. I seriously want others to know that I'm mentally unwell and have deep-rooted issues, that I am just a straight-up crazy bitch that's no good for anybody.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not just a posing attention-seeker. I truly want to disappear, I relapse not for the "aesthetic" or because I get it off the internet, but because I truly am going through it. I cry myself to sleep every night, run to my bed to cry everyday, cry in public bathrooms, just basically adopted crying as a hobby. I hate myself, I want to die. But do I really?

I thought maybe if I commited suicide/passed away, people would stop treating me like shit and actually care for once. I'd always get bullied at school, only to come home and get "bullied" some more. It was an endless cycle, I genuinely had no safe space. Because of all the stuff that was going on in my life, I had no motivation whatsoever for studying and completing my work, which resulted in my grades plummeting, causing more depression and despair.

Genuinely how do I not kill myself?

 

[RadiantNumber]

It's not Yours fault people are just piecies of crap (except those on this forum, and some expcetions who are good)

 

[cherrydrpepper147]

It's not Yours fault people are just piecies of crap (except those on this forum, and some expcetions who are good)

Thanks for assuring that this isn't my fault. The people in my life are definitely pieces of crap. They knew about my depression, cutting, and past suicide attempts, yet still continued to bully me. It was almost them trying to see how far they could go before they reach the limit than just standard picking on and teasing. I swear it had to be some type of attempted murder at the time (an exaggeration).

 

[franklyditto]

Holy I don't expect to see someone come up with this " I don't want to die I just don't want to live like this " tbh it is all i feel , It feel dead inside, I always ask my self "Why I have to be born like this , Why can't i be happy like other people?". All i want to say even if my suffering maybe not like you but i can roughly understand how you feel. If you have anything you can vent it here it here. Hoping things will get better

 

[suncide10]

I realized this recently as well. I don't want to die, I just want to feel alright, to feel seen. I want someone to hug me and say everything is gonna be okay, I'm not asking so much. But it seems like it probably won't happen so death seems like a good option for me because nothing will matter after I die. I don't wanna die but I don't what else to do.

 

[RawRX3]

I realized this recently as well. I don't want to die, I just want to feel alright, to feel seen. I want someone to hug me and say everything is gonna be okay, I'm not asking so much. But it seems like it probably won't happen so death seems like a good option for me because nothing will matter after I die. I don't wanna die but I don't what else to do.

I relate to this lots. The thing I've always wanted was to be seen, understood, and actually cared for in the way it matters for me. Sadly it hasn't ever happened and things have gone on so long I just don't think it will. I really like life but without having that core need filled there's just nothing that'll keep me here

I feel you lots, support <3

Everybody always walks over me, treats me less than the dirt buried in the ground.

Self-harm started pretty young for me. When I say self-harm, you'd probably imagine cutting or burning, which is what the term is heavily portrayed as in media and the internet. But for me, cutting and burning didn't start until middle school. Before then, I'd bite, scratch, pinch, hit, dig my nails into my skin, and pull on my hair/scalp when sad, angry, frustrated, scared, or even embarrassed. It never stopped, I only participated more violent methods as I got older and as my problems got worse; old habits die hard.

During seventh and eighth grade, I'd purposely wear short-sleeved tops and bottoms to show off my scars, which looking back was a major cry for help. Several people in my grade—buddies with me or not—asked what was on my arms/wrists, shoulders, and thighs. I acted irritated and uncomfortable, but I secretly enjoyed the attention.

I have such a heavy craving for death—specifically suicide. I want to try and commit suicide, survive the attempt, then once again enter my social life after a while and watch people who have knowledge of my attempt stare and gossip. I seriously want others to know that I'm mentally unwell and have deep-rooted issues, that I am just a straight-up crazy bitch that's no good for anybody.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not just a posing attention-seeker. I truly want to disappear, I relapse not for the "aesthetic" or because I get it off the internet, but because I truly am going through it. I cry myself to sleep every night, run to my bed to cry everyday, cry in public bathrooms, just basically adopted crying as a hobby. I hate myself, I want to die. But do I really?

I thought maybe if I commited suicide/passed away, people would stop treating me like shit and actually care for once. I'd always get bullied at school, only to come home and get "bullied" some more. It was an endless cycle, I genuinely had no safe space. Because of all the stuff that was going on in my life, I had no motivation whatsoever for studying and completing my work, which resulted in my grades plummeting, causing more depression and despair.

Genuinely how do I not kill myself?

Am sad you weren't cared for and supported like you should've been, being forced to suffer unacknowledged is extremely terrible

It probably doesn't help much but I hope you can feel witnessed here at least <3

Support and care <3 <3

 

[cherrydrpepper147]

I realized this recently as well. I don't want to die, I just want to feel alright, to feel seen. I want someone to hug me and say everything is gonna be okay, I'm not asking so much. But it seems like it probably won't happen so death seems like a good option for me because nothing will matter after I die. I don't wanna die but I don't what else to do.

Right?? I just want people to notice I'm genuinely not okay in the head. I have to admit myself, I'm a diehard attention seeker. I remember in grade 7 I would take snapshots of my drugs then send it to the class group chat and smile to myself when they asked if I was okay. And I'd slash-flash people sometimes, obviously give them a heads-up beforehand, of course. There was also rumors going around at the time about how I was depressed and the other kids would talk about me. I should've frowned upon that—talk that'd fuck up my reputation—but I enjoyed every last bit of it.

I relate to this lots. The thing I've always wanted was to be seen, understood, and actually cared for in the way it matters for me. Sadly it hasn't ever happened and things have gone on so long I just don't think it will. I really like life but without having that core need filled there's just nothing that'll keep me here

I feel you lots, support <3


Am sad you weren't cared for and supported like you should've been, being forced to suffer unacknowledged is extremely terrible

It probably doesn't help much but I hope you can feel witnessed here at least <3

Support and care <3 <3

Thank you!! I appreciate your concern and support for me! <3

Holy I don't expect to see someone come up with this " I don't want to die I just don't want to live like this " tbh it is all i feel , It feel dead inside, I always ask my self "Why I have to be born like this , Why can't i be happy like other people?". All i want to say even if my suffering maybe not like you but i can roughly understand how you feel. If you have anything you can vent it here it here. Hoping things will get better

It honestly takes a while to come up with the conclusion that you don't truly want to die but just want your suffering to end—which i'd say it's probably like that for a lot of people. I cry quite literally everyday and stare at the mirror, endlessly pointing at everything I hate about myself. However, there is always just a little bit of hope I have. But if things don't get better by the time i'm 25, I seriously WILL be found hanging in my room at 2 in the morning. Anyway, thank you so much for your support and concern. Hope things get better for you as well mwah <3