cherrydrpepper147
Member
- Jul 13, 2026
- 13
Everybody always walks over me, treats me less than the dirt buried in the ground.
Self-harm started pretty young for me. When I say self-harm, you'd probably imagine cutting or burning, which is what the term is heavily portrayed as in media and the internet. But for me, cutting and burning didn't start until middle school. Before then, I'd bite, scratch, pinch, hit, dig my nails into my skin, and pull on my hair/scalp when sad, angry, frustrated, scared, or even embarrassed. It never stopped, I only participated more violent methods as I got older and as my problems got worse; old habits die hard.
During seventh and eighth grade, I'd purposely wear short-sleeved tops and bottoms to show off my scars, which looking back was a major cry for help. Several people in my grade—buddies with me or not—asked what was on my arms/wrists, shoulders, and thighs. I acted irritated and uncomfortable, but I secretly enjoyed the attention.
I have such a heavy craving for death—specifically suicide. I want to try and commit suicide, survive the attempt, then once again enter my social life after a while and watch people who have knowledge of my attempt stare and gossip. I seriously want others to know that I'm mentally unwell and have deep-rooted issues, that I am just a straight-up crazy bitch that's no good for anybody.
But don't get me wrong, I'm not just a posing attention-seeker. I truly want to disappear, I relapse not for the "aesthetic" or because I get it off the internet, but because I truly am going through it. I cry myself to sleep every night, run to my bed to cry everyday, cry in public bathrooms, just basically adopted crying as a hobby. I hate myself, I want to die. But do I really?
I thought maybe if I commited suicide/passed away, people would stop treating me like shit and actually care for once. I'd always get bullied at school, only to come home and get "bullied" some more. It was an endless cycle, I genuinely had no safe space. Because of all the stuff that was going on in my life, I had no motivation whatsoever for studying and completing my work, which resulted in my grades plummeting, causing more depression and despair.
Genuinely how do I not kill myself?
Self-harm started pretty young for me. When I say self-harm, you'd probably imagine cutting or burning, which is what the term is heavily portrayed as in media and the internet. But for me, cutting and burning didn't start until middle school. Before then, I'd bite, scratch, pinch, hit, dig my nails into my skin, and pull on my hair/scalp when sad, angry, frustrated, scared, or even embarrassed. It never stopped, I only participated more violent methods as I got older and as my problems got worse; old habits die hard.
During seventh and eighth grade, I'd purposely wear short-sleeved tops and bottoms to show off my scars, which looking back was a major cry for help. Several people in my grade—buddies with me or not—asked what was on my arms/wrists, shoulders, and thighs. I acted irritated and uncomfortable, but I secretly enjoyed the attention.
I have such a heavy craving for death—specifically suicide. I want to try and commit suicide, survive the attempt, then once again enter my social life after a while and watch people who have knowledge of my attempt stare and gossip. I seriously want others to know that I'm mentally unwell and have deep-rooted issues, that I am just a straight-up crazy bitch that's no good for anybody.
But don't get me wrong, I'm not just a posing attention-seeker. I truly want to disappear, I relapse not for the "aesthetic" or because I get it off the internet, but because I truly am going through it. I cry myself to sleep every night, run to my bed to cry everyday, cry in public bathrooms, just basically adopted crying as a hobby. I hate myself, I want to die. But do I really?
I thought maybe if I commited suicide/passed away, people would stop treating me like shit and actually care for once. I'd always get bullied at school, only to come home and get "bullied" some more. It was an endless cycle, I genuinely had no safe space. Because of all the stuff that was going on in my life, I had no motivation whatsoever for studying and completing my work, which resulted in my grades plummeting, causing more depression and despair.
Genuinely how do I not kill myself?
Last edited:
(an exaggeration).
