When did you start to seriously consider CBT?

[Sarros]

Every time I set my sights on something in my life I have this idea in my head about how it'll fix everything. Every time I get it, it never changes how miserable I am. So I'm done with the chase. I'm done wanting things. And I'm done wanting to be alive.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

I Always thinking about doing it but really decided in november 2017 when a surgeon in my hospital committed suicide in his office with an adrenaline syringe. A month later, I was cutting my throat with a scalpel in my dressing room with a scalpel stolen from the operating room. It was a very long night, I slept 3 days in my locker and worked the day to end the 3rd night at dawn by opening both sides of my throat and wrist.

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

I am thinking about it since many years, but actually buying the gun was least year in august.

 

[AmberianDawn]

I dealt my entire life with depression, anxiety and irritable bowel, at age 26 I decided that I had to commit suicide since I could never be a "functional" person in many ways. I'm almost 31 years old and I still haven't decided on the method nor do I dare to try for fear of failing. Unless I had N, the rest of the methods scare me a little

 

[w4ntingtoletgo]

Every time I set my sights on something in my life I have this idea in my head about how it'll fix everything. Every time I get it, it never changes how miserable I am. So I'm done with the chase. I'm done wanting things. And I'm done wanting to be alive.

Feel totally the same. I'm a bit scared I'll just keep repeating this cycle endlessly, always fooling myself into believing that "that one thing" is what it's missing and will erase all the pain just to end up more miserable each time.

 

[saturn1402]

For me it was the past year or so. I didn't know there was a specific name for it until a couple months ago. "Passive suicidal ideation". I've spent half of my life like this before it eventually changed to a clear intention. It was always a thought sitting in the back of my mind, like a shadow in the background of every memory. It felt like a close but somehow still very remote possibility, kind of a freak accident that would be very unlikely to take place but still could if the right conditions permitted it. But then, after so much time, after so many punishments given by life and so many unanswered prayers and efforts, I began thinking what it would have been like to actually take my life and the illusion of a chance started to dissipate slowly. It started off as a "I will do it in 10 years". Then they turned into 8, then 5, then 2, and then into a "as soon as I get the chance to do so".

I guess it took me so much time because I liked to believe that it would be like what we see in books and movies, where even if you suffer like hell you're still able to make it out alive and well and you get a happy ending. Because it can't end like this, right? But it's just a lie. It can and will end like this. Some lives are just tragedy and nothing else. I prayed and pleaded for something or someone to save me, but nothing and no one ever did. And I surely can't. I thought the universe wouldn't give up on me, that it would fight to let me stay, that I mattered, but I don't. I never did. I'm not one in a million, I'm just one desperate person among many.

I also think I lasted all this time because I clung to the hope that the remote possibility of healing meant being able to completely erase who I have been up until now and become a new person, but that's not possible. I would always be forced to bring this burden with me. I don't even think healing would work with me anymore tbh. I'm too far gone, too detached from everything and everyone.

So this is it. If only I had known earlier, I certainly wouldn't have resisted this much for nothing. I wish I hadn't been such an idiot. I just wanted to put the truth out somewhere.

After my break up. Initially for the break up itself. But now (a year later) mostly for the realization I have been a truly horrible, broken and cruel partner and human being who is only capable of ruining peoples lives instead of bringing anything good

 

[SoulWhisperer]

13 years old when it all began and I think 2-3 years later when things got actually tangible in my head. I went from "I wanna die" to "I want to die". Small yet big difference. Nowadays I just want to be able to get a way out. Need a method of the few of mind and the rest will be prayer for it to work my way...

 

[CantDoIt]

15 were my first thoughts, but seriously early this year. I should have known this would be the way I went out! It was prophetic.

 

[Gstreater]

About 8 years ago when I attempted my first time and was warded when I didn't die.

 

[divinemistress36]

wanted to since I was a kid but really wanted to since around 5 years ago. I wish I would have known about this site then and could have got N

 

[whotookmylexapro]

End of last year. I know it is a short time to be considering it but ive been dealing with this awful mental illness since 2021 but hoping treatment would atleast ease the symptoms….. nothing has worked and im tired of everything at this point

 

[kiki <3]

this all started around when i was around 10-11, mostly from not having the resources to handle my dysphoria and being treated like a freak of nature by most of my peers. this was only a part of my soon to come downfall.

i attempted in february of last year. while unsuccessful, i have never felt more in control of myself. i think something shifted in my brain since that night and really strengthened my belief in the importance of body autonomy.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

The passive ideation began in elementary school, I distinctly remember hiding in the bathroom due to bullying and wishing I was dead, asking God why I was even alive.

The more active one is harder to remember, I think sometime in middle school. Possibly 12. I looked at the electric socket and though "I could totally stick a fork in it", but my grandma was in the other room and even at the time I knew it wasn't a reliable method.

 

[willitpass]

At the age of 12, after having already been suicidal since the age of 10. Then I tried for the first time at 13.

 

[Life'sA6itch]

When I was twelve. The night of my 13th birthday was my first attempt, I tried 3 more times and failed each time, generally taking pills due to neglect and abuse from my mom who never even hugged me or told me she loved me. No one in my family even knows about my suicide attempts. My parents treated my sisters far better/differently than me and I knew at a very young age I wanted out and that things would not be good for me. I was right. We put suffering animals out of their misery yet, won't do the same for humans.

 

[yowai]

7 yrs ago when I was 17, or maybe 16
Then I had this "awakening" and decided I can't live like this anymore, thought I'll put the suicide off for a few years and try to get the best out of my life until then
And I had a lot of amazing experiences, found love and stuff, but got addicted to drugs and had many traumatic experiences because of it so I'm back to square one

 

[equip]

the thoughts started when I was 7, and then I attempted when I was 13 and 16. Really bad at it as i'm 20 now.

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

Passively 10 years ago
Actively - 4 years ago
Yep. I've been a coward for that long cuz I'm f**king still here

 

[Tac0Johnz]

When I turned 8, that's when my anxiety basically came out of nowhere and hit me like a truck, and 9 to 11 because I thought 2012 would actually happen lol fail.
And then 12 to 18 is when I started attempting. I hope to be successful this time.

 

[lnlybnny]

Ten years ago when I realized I don't fit in and there's no place for me in this world

 

[noname37]

I was 10 years old, I saw a bottle of bleach and I wondered what would happen if I drank it, if I could be dead forever. I had thoughts of wanting to disappear and other depressive thoughts but that was the first thought I really had of suicide. I finally did my first attempt when I was 15.

 

[AresCohere]

Honestly, around when I turned 16/17 in 2021 or so, but it didn't really become a real idea until later in 2022 and 23. It's been on-and-off for a while but slowly trending toward becoming more of a "reasonable" solution.

I fucked up too much in the past and lost any hope of actually continuing much farther in life. Soon enough I'll hit a wall where I'm unable to progress any farther, as I am highly unlikely to ever be able to get an internship or job in my current path and it's too late to turn back. I can probably hold out until I graduate college in a few years, making going for a bit longer but eventually I'll get "softlocked" and, as even before them my mental state has been falling apart (auditory hallucinations slowly becoming more common) I will have no other choice.

Until then it's just a waiting game.

 

[F@#$]

12 or 13 years old.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

First started thinking about it at 13, first started seriously considering it at 14, first attempt at 15

 

[Illegal Preclear]

For me it was a series of formal decisions. I was born with Autism and Schizoaffective Disorder coupled with brain damage from forced druggings and abuse. I stood no chance. My entire childhood I KNEW that this was not my world and I could only reach true existence if I got back to "where I came from". When I was 10 and really had a grasp on my situation and own mortality, that's when I knew the only way to get back to "where I came from" was to die. That's when I made the formal decision that I would absolutely end my life in suicide, but for the time being would see what this planet had to offer. While completely Schizoid, I had much more cognitive ability back then.

The formal decision that I would end things within the next year or so came in January of 2024. It might be a year, or two, but this is the Hard Cap on the end of my life. I've completely run out of cognitive ability and I'm coasting on fumes.

I did some fabulous Schizo Posting during my 35 years on this Earth. But I never got to live a single day of normal, happy human life. Were 35 years of suffering as someone completely alien to humanity worth some good Schizo Posting? Maybe. But my Schizo Posting days are over. I keep the rope I intend to hang myself with neatly coiled next to my desk now so I'm always ready to go ahead with my final day when I felt it has come.

 

[WhatMightHaveBeen]

February 24, 2022.

I'd been suicidal in college for various reasons stemming from family and bullying trauma early in life. I even made a half-hearted attempt around 18 years old But I had dealt entirely with all that stuff by my twenties.

Then I lost an absolute fortune in 2021 leading up to February 24, 2022 when I realized the world is truly unstable and nuclear war was very likely inevitable.

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

5. I was of course naive I used to say a prayer before bed and my prayer would be something like this "god please take me to heaven, don't let me wake up Amen" I always woke up of course very confused. My birth parents suicide was drummed into me from a young age so I knew what death was but I of course didn't know how to do it. I was only 5. It's what being abused from a young age does to you

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've never consider CBT.

Now CTB, that's a different story.

 

[skylight7]

I became suicidal in my early 40's after a big failure in life.

I fully relate to you

 

[ShadowedChaos]

I was suicidal and depressed at a young age and went through multiples different places getting "help" for it all and even then when I would have serious attempts and really intense suicidality with the mix of the rest of my mental health but I would say probably the last 2 years is when it shifted to more of the only solution I have towards a bearable life I've tried everything in every handbook there is for psychiatric practice and spent a lot of my life getting help for my mental health but in the end of the day I realize how I feel now and I realize that I would truly never be allowed peace or to be able to live bearably going forward these last few years it's more of a constant feeling mixed with the dread of reality and I realize that'd I'd be at peace even for a little bit before drifting off I know what it feels like to be on the edge and comeback so it's really been the last two years where I just feel like I'm living on borrowed time and don't see a possibility for a brighter future or at least one that I know is possible for me or something that doesn't just propagate the same pain I have now and just festers longer I've heard it gets better since I was a little kid not even really knowing the stuff I was going through and having to deal with and experience it wasn't fair but life isn't fair so what can you do if I could've told even 13 year old me that all those words before and going onwards would all be small fragments of hope used to make me have some semblance that maybe everything would all be okay