When did you start to seriously consider CBT?

[w4ntingtoletgo]

For me it was the past year or so. I didn't know there was a specific name for it until a couple months ago. "Passive suicidal ideation". I've spent half of my life like this before it eventually changed to a clear intention. It was always a thought sitting in the back of my mind, like a shadow in the background of every memory. It felt like a close but somehow still very remote possibility, kind of a freak accident that would be very unlikely to take place but still could if the right conditions permitted it. But then, after so much time, after so many punishments given by life and so many unanswered prayers and efforts, I began thinking what it would have been like to actually take my life and the illusion of a chance started to dissipate slowly. It started off as a "I will do it in 10 years". Then they turned into 8, then 5, then 2, and then into a "as soon as I get the chance to do so".

I guess it took me so much time because I liked to believe that it would be like what we see in books and movies, where even if you suffer like hell you're still able to make it out alive and well and you get a happy ending. Because it can't end like this, right? But it's just a lie. It can and will end like this. Some lives are just tragedy and nothing else. I prayed and pleaded for something or someone to save me, but nothing and no one ever did. And I surely can't. I thought the universe wouldn't give up on me, that it would fight to let me stay, that I mattered, but I don't. I never did. I'm not one in a million, I'm just one desperate person among many.

I also think I lasted all this time because I clung to the hope that the remote possibility of healing meant being able to completely erase who I have been up until now and become a new person, but that's not possible. I would always be forced to bring this burden with me. I don't even think healing would work with me anymore tbh. I'm too far gone, too detached from everything and everyone.

So this is it. If only I had known earlier, I certainly wouldn't have resisted this much for nothing. I wish I hadn't been such an idiot. I just wanted to put the truth out somewhere.

 

[lucmucpuc]

i guess it was when i turned 16 when i realised im going to act on my thoughts
it started when i was 12. i always felt empty and didnt like being alive at all. at that time i didnt know that i was suicidal, i thought everyone had same opinion on life. my first attempt was 4 years later

 

[Trav1989]

When my wife left me within the past year, already knew she had emotionally checked out and already found other guys a bit before that and it was inevitable. Tried to work things out with her but no matter what I did it failed as expected.

 

[Steff1337]

I always thought that my life would end in suicide, and started seriously considering it at 16.

 

[ManchildLoser]

For me, at 12 years old. 36 now, i cant do this anymore

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I became suicidal in my early 40's after a big failure in life.

 

[rosepanda]

December 2022

 

[Forever Sleep]

I first had suicidal thoughts when I was 10. I suppose it was mostly passive ideation. I thought about methods somewhat but, not very in depth. We didn't have the internet back then (in the dark ages) though, so- that's partly why. Less resources to even know what to do.

In my later teenage years and onwards from that, I switched between passive and active ideation. Things have become a lot more serious in the past few years though in terms of preparing a method ready (SN.)

 

[Trav1989]

I became suicidal in my early 40's after a big failure in life.

Damn, yeah... Once you get into your 30's and 40's a single large traumatic event can derail your entire life very easily. Your old enough that you can't easily recover (if at all) but too young to know that you can just forget about it as your time is nearing it's natural end. When the event that began the end for me began around this time last year when I suspected my wife was cheating after catching her talking to guys and bringing home a lot of extra money I had mentally prepared myself for CTB, when she admitted to cheating on me with dozens of random men a few months back and left I knew my time was up. Finally managed to scrounge up enough money a week ago to order SN after being stupid and blowing all my money on alcohol for months and I can almost say that I'm finally happy now that everything is going to end soon.

It was a year of trauma and after I saw her wallet filled with over $2000 while the bills were hardly getting paid and she was staying overnight at a "friends" house so she could be closer to "therapy" because she didn't want to wake up to early and her "friend" lived closer 2-3 times a week I just couldn't bring myself to be intimate with her. Then when she tried to explain to me that it wasn't cheating if she didn't love the other men and I'd get a third of the "donations" along with her "friend" AKA pimp if I was cool with it I just mentally snapped.

If I had SN at that moment I would have driven many miles out of town and just ended things at the nearest secluded area.

In many ways I wish I had done such then because every day I continue on is more difficult than the last and I can't start over. I tried dating again and it's just too difficult to start over after I invested everything I had into that relationship.

Then her friend sent me pictures and told me that my wife was seeing anywhere from 5-10 guys a night and then told me I could get a third of the money like I was a business partner, he even offered to pay me in drugs while I was on the other end of the phone in complete shock and about to faint, of course I called the cops and they did nothing because apparently what was going on wasn't even illegal other than him offering to pay me in drugs but he was never arrested to my knowledge.

Then a couple months later she gets beat up by some random guy and claimed that I did it to her but hadn't even seen her since she left at that point.

The fact that her therapist convinced her to reach out to her old friends that she missed from school and then all of that happened and now she is on drugs and doing guys and doesn't even know who she is anymore and she CHOSE that blows my mind.

Just traumatic event after traumatic event until I just mentally broke, I filed for divorce and got it at least so I can die knowing I'm not married to her anymore.

Sorry, maybe I vented a bit too much on this but every day just gets harder because I can't bring myself to comprehend how greedy and evil other humans can be, I knew things were bad but they are so much worse than I ever knew.

I lived a fairly normal life prior to this event, with relatively normal relationships and then out of the 5-6 or so relationships I was in the woman I chose to marry did that. It wasn't even my longest relationship and things started going that bad in 4-5 years?

I'd say that was the point I definately started considering CTB and why I plan on doing so soon. I just can't go on knowing this happened and I'll never be able to free my memory of it and in all honesty, even having to wait another 10 days or so feels like torture to me. I've dealt with this trauma for a year now and I just can't handle it anymore.

If I'll have one regret to take with me when I CTB it will be that I didn't select faster shipping for SN.

 

[Maormer]

probably around 13 or 14, although i dont think i was serious about it until 15

 

[LondonVillie]

When I stopped deluding myself.

 

[Ol Messier 87]

At 21 or 22. Almost 10 years later, I'm finally ready.

 

[Peerless_Cucumber]

I tried to ctb for the first time at 17. Failed horribly. The days spent after it in the psych ward were one of the worst ones in my life.

 

[jumbled_up]

seriously, when i was 19. before that it was just talk & thoughts,

 

[dune_dweller]

First considered it at 16.

Passively suicidal half my life.

2021 the feelings began to ramp up because my home environment was insanely intolerable.

Now instead of domestic violence, I'm dealing with absurd physical issues that have been spiraling since March.

The frustrating thing is I don't even want to do it - I want to live, but this is forcing my hand.

 

[DoneWithThisLife]

Probably in my early teens. Have had many 'spur of the moment' attempts that were really just cries for help. Serious failed attempt 10 years ago but things actually did get a bit better after that. My life was turned upside down 18 months ago and suicide has been a daily thought since that time.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I've never considered cock and ball torture before since I do not possess a cock or balls.

 

[Reflection]

Since the past year, gf left no matter what I did or tried. I thought it was gonna get better, but she started insinuating that she found someone else and basically told me she doesn't care about me anymore and that I'm selfish for trying to reconcile because I could never make her happy no matter what I did. I know what people will say, that's a dumb thing to kill yourself over. But I'm doing it for myself, I cannot keep living forever with this pain, I've been on the verge of breaking since last year.
I have hopes, dreams and whatnot that are worth living for hadn't I found myself in this situation. I can only compare this to a disease. I'm giving life 2 more months as a last chance, and that's it. I can't keep playing this game of postponing things forever. I'm sure many will never understand, heard it a hundred times but I'd rather end my pain and be called stupid than "live" like this.

 

[w4ntingtoletgo]

I've never considered cock and ball torture before since I do not possess a cock or balls.

I was so confused at this until I read the title again . I was about to fall asleep when I decided to post this and didn't notice, my bad

 

[FailedCSDev]

In 2015 I considered it as an alternative if I don't find a job. In January 2021 I attempted it following a sudden urge. In January 2024 I made an attempt after getting shit on by my boss, but stopped because my method was too painful and survival instincts kicked in.

 

[blacksand]

It has escalated year after year through my 20s.

29 now and just hanging on.

 

[thislife24]

Since the past year, gf left no matter what I did or tried. I thought it was gonna get better, but she started insinuating that she found someone else and basically told me she doesn't care about me anymore and that I'm selfish for trying to reconcile because I could never make her happy no matter what I did. I know what people will say, that's a dumb thing to kill yourself over. But I'm doing it for myself, I cannot keep living forever with this pain, I've been on the verge of breaking since last year.
I have hopes, dreams and whatnot that are worth living for hadn't I found myself in this situation. I can only compare this to a disease. I'm giving life 2 more months as a last chance, and that's it. I can't keep playing this game of postponing things forever. I'm sure many will never understand, heard it a hundred times but I'd rather end my pain and be called stupid than "live" like this.

In the same position and it sucks. I was also barely holding on before the break up. The fact that she had no problem with leaving me and living her life has messed me up. Trying to hold on too but I'm not sure how much longer I can do that.

 

[UniqueWorm]

I think when i was 10 was the first time it got to a serious point and i attempted

 

[Reflection]

In the same position and it sucks. I was also barely holding on before the break up. The fact that she had no problem with leaving me and living her life has messed me up. Trying to hold on too but I'm not sure how much longer I can do that.

I think it's especially messed up that they just think it's your problem that you feel this way and offer no help, I can't say for sure but I think they try to block anything that might make them feel regret or guilt in favor for their "next" chapter in life; Which is why they seemingly don't care at all.

I personally came to accept that it is over, and often tell myself "that's just life", but that's not enough to stop the pain. I think that enabling this "I don't owe you anything" mindset that became rampant is only harmful; You can't force anyone to stay, but that's because I also believe that they should have enough compassion to do so themselves after all the thick and thin you've stayed by their side instead of acting like you're nothing to them.

In the end I can only hope we all make it in the end and find our peace.

 

[birthdayboy]

12 years old when the bullying and abuse started getting really bad

I'm 51 and married and I still don't feel like I've ever overcome that, plus a lot of things that happened in adulthood

The emotional pain is too much for me to bear

I always find it interesting when people say to young people "It does get better, I promise" because it didn't get better for me

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I was 25 when I realized I was fucked. It's just been a numbers game of "when?" since then.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm still passively suicidal as my main reason for wanting death in the first place is because everything is overwhelming for me as I struggle dealing with hardship and challenges. Unfortunately, since death is so heavily regulated, suicide itself requires a lot of hardship and, even then, it isn't guaranteed that I'd die. I only want death because it's peaceful and I'd never have to put in any effort ever again. I follow the path of least resistance and suicide has a lot of resistance to it.

That said, I do suspect that I'll be actively suicidal after a few weeks of my university starting as I feel like I've reached the point where I can't comply with society's demands. I never wanted to comply with society's demands in the first place but I'm forced to because I can't become a neet. All of the stress and pressure from me having to deal with life should make me desperate enough to risk it all on a suicide attempt

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never wished for existence in my case, instead I've only ever found comfort in death as I believed it to simply be nothingness where I cannot suffer anymore and all is forgotten about. For me existence was never something desirable in the first place, it was always a cruel, torturous burden I was never meant for, I'd never wish for the pain of being conscious and aware in this futile existence no matter what, it's horrific and terrifying to me how one can exist for so long with no limit as to how much they can suffer.

 

[Trav1989]

Since the past year, gf left no matter what I did or tried. I thought it was gonna get better, but she started insinuating that she found someone else and basically told me she doesn't care about me anymore and that I'm selfish for trying to reconcile because I could never make her happy no matter what I did. I know what people will say, that's a dumb thing to kill yourself over. But I'm doing it for myself, I cannot keep living forever with this pain, I've been on the verge of breaking since last year.
I have hopes, dreams and whatnot that are worth living for hadn't I found myself in this situation. I can only compare this to a disease. I'm giving life 2 more months as a last chance, and that's it. I can't keep playing this game of postponing things forever. I'm sure many will never understand, heard it a hundred times but I'd rather end my pain and be called stupid than "live" like this.

Yeah, sometimes there is just nothing you can do, a lot of the time actually. Other people set their minds and that's all there is to it.

Part of why I'm going to CTB within a month at most.

Just can't live in a world where nobody can't communicate because everyone is so stuck on themselves that everyone else is a side character.

As humans we should work together and empathize with one another because all of us have different strengths and weaknesses and experiences.

We should be able to see things from other peoples' perspectives and relate to them.

Not just present ultimatums to them and delete them from our lives because we don't accept.

Sadly, this world doesn't run like that and we are all alone and left to our own devices which usually consist of us being stuck in heads pondering "what-if's" until we expire.

 

[Reflection]

Yeah, sometimes there is just nothing you can do, a lot of the time actually. Other people set their minds and that's all there is to it.

Part of why I'm going to CTB within a month at most.

Just can't live in a world where nobody can't communicate because everyone is so stuck on themselves that everyone else is a side character.

As humans we should work together and empathize with one another because all of us have different strengths and weaknesses and experiences.

We should be able to see things from other peoples' perspectives and relate to them.

Not just present ultimatums to them and delete them from our lives because we don't accept.

Sadly, this world doesn't run like that and we are all alone and left to our own devices which usually consist of us being stuck in heads pondering "what-if's" until we expire.

I agree, all in all I think this is part of life, as humans we have been around for so long to know better, and while we know that kindness and empathy is all takes for us to thrive as a species. It's just impossible, self centeredness almost always takes over, otherwise we wouldn't be having wars and such to this day.