What’s the RIGHT thing to say to someone who chronically suffers from suicidal thoughts?

[Mtnwildflowers]

I overheard a conversation between two people today with one person complaining about how no one knows what to say when they are suicidal and how horrible it was a person said xyz to them during that moment. I can definitely relate to this and in the far distant past use to feel similar. However, in any recent decade I've felt like it's unreasonable to think other people, even professionals, can know what to say or do for each individual situation.

I think most of us can come up with plenty of things that aren't helpful to say or what NOT to say, but do you actually have things that help/ that you want someone to say? I have trouble thinking of really anything. Even if someone expresses they care/love me doesn't have any effect on me as far as suicidal thoughts and wanting to die. I can't really think of anything, so this overheard conversation sort of stuck out to me because I stopped hoping or having any sort of expectation of other people in these moments.

the truth is if I can't think of the right thing to say, how can I hope anyone else can(even "professionals")?? I can hope they DON'T say certain things but actually hoping someone has the "right" thing to say or do when I don't think a "right" thing really exists (at least for me) .

Curious if something actual does for other chronically suicidal people?

 

[FuneralGrey]

This is a really great question. My main thought, that you already pointed out, is that individual situations can vary so widely.

Sometimes, my psych has allowed us to sit in silence after I express suicidal thoughts and that has helped, but sometimes I find it aggravating. I think the most helpful thing to me is when someone says "that sucks," or something similar. Just acknowledge that I'm in pain, that that pain is real and valid, and that there's no easy solution. But again, sometimes that makes me mad, especially when I was hoping someone might offer practical solutions.

Communication is key. Just talk to the person, for Pete's sake. What do you want from me? What can I say? What would be most helpful for you to hear right now? Don't parrot back whatever they say, but take it and modify it, find its essence, rephrase it and reflect it back to them. Listen. Acknowledge. Validate.

Why is communication so hard for so many trained professionals?

 

[akirat9]

It's not what you say, but what you do

 

[SarRy]

It's hard to find anything worth saying. If there is a specific problem, then remedies can be discussed, but the general feeling of worthlessness or hopelessness that is gained from a life of hurt is not remedied by easy words. Advice is also useless when it comes simply as a warning with no actionable steps taught.
How can you tell someone they are loved, when all they know is hurt and betrayal? How can you tell someone they are strong, when all they know is how they have been hurt? I guess that the only thing to say is that there is more to life than any of this. There is good out there and you may find it.

I hope you find peace.

 

[DonTellMeToStayAlive]

Great question. Remind me, I will post my answer in a while. Kinda tired rn

 

[akirat9]

It's hard to find anything worth saying. If there is a specific problem, then remedies can be discussed, but the general feeling of worthlessness or hopelessness that is gained from a life of hurt is not remedied by easy words. Advice is also useless when it comes simply as a warning with no actionable steps taught.
How can you tell someone they are loved, when all they know is hurt and betrayal? How can you tell someone they are strong, when all they know is how they have been hurt? I guess that the only thing to say is that there is more to life than any of this. There is good out there and you may find it.

That is contradictory

 

[AlighieriTTT]

There isn't a ton that can be said other than the generic "I'm sorry you're going through this", actions are much more important when dealing with someone who is chronically suicidal imo

 

[SarRy]

That is contradictory

How so? There is acknowledgement of the futility of words while respecting the limited use they can offer as guidance to find better things in life with which to judge it by.

 

[Wormfood]

When I'm suicidal I'm not looking for advice. I'm looking for someone to say "you make this world a brighter place and it would be much darker without you. Your death would make my heart colder". I'm usually looking for someone to give a listening ear and validate my emotions. I'm looking for empathy not sympathy. Once I'm asured that I'm not alone in my suffering I then go on to find solutions to my problems. If I want ideas from others I'll ask but usually I just want a listening ear. I don't speak for everyone but I'm sure that's what some people want.

 

[SamTam33]

They can ask questions like, "What's the absolute worst part about your life right now?" "Are you afraid it will hurt?" " What would make you happy or reconsider?"

They most likely have no way to identify with you so the most logical thing would be to ask questions about something they don't understand.

But a lot of people are either too arrogant to concede ignorance or too self-focused (we all are I guess).

They just want to tell you what they think. That's what's most important to them: you listening to their thoughts about your life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think maybe the most helpful thing is REALLY listening to you and validating what you feel is reasonable (because it's real to you). That's what I think helps me anyhow. Not that I've told many people and certainly not 'proffessionals'.

We're all so different though. A friend of mine actually felt comforted by someone saying more or less 'you're overreacting- making mountains out of molehills.' I hate that response though.

I truly don't know how people in those roles know what to say. Especially if the goal is to 'save' someone. For that I imagine they would have to use a lot of the positive platitudes I think a lot of us hate.

 

[Hirokami]

I don't think there's just one thing. What would help me is if, when I'm at my worst, someone would just let me ramble for as long as I want about my suicidal thoughts. No advice, no telling me to get therapy, no anger. Just a genuine empathetic ear. And maybe a long hug. I just want to feel cared for and told my thoughts aren't burdensome.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

The truth is, it is hard for people to come up with the right things to say not because it's so complicated, but because all people are different, even the chronically suicidal ones, and what can be super helpful for one person may be awful for someone else, and vice versa. The skill that (good) professionals should have is knowing how to carefully explore different options until they find the one that works without distressing the person further, but interactions with a professional happens in a controlled environment, for a predictable limited amount of time and can be interrupted if it makes you feel worse. You cannot expect the same from average people in your life who aren't trained to do this, might struggle with their own issues, have emotional stakes in your interaction and might be in an environment when they cannot just walk away from you and let you cool off for a few days, forgetting about you between the sessions the same way a professional would. So it is a lot harder for your loved ones to be supportive "the right way".

Everybody says not to offer advice and solutions to a person in a crisis like it's gospel, but I am that weird suicidal person that actually wants advice and solutions. Just ranting helps a little, but not much, and in the end when the person I'm ranting to says nothing, or just admits "yes, that must suck" it makes me feel really bad about dumping all this negativity on someone and getting them down, which erases any relief I might get from venting. That's why I tend to ramble on Internet forums like this one, when I am simultaneously kind of heard, but I am not dumping all my dark thoughts on anyone in particular and I don't feel like I just made someone intensely uncomfortable and struggling to find something to say when I don't get a response. If I know someone is genuinely really empathetic, I prefer to avoid them when I'm upset, so that we're not stuck in a loop of getting each other down. As long as the other person is willing to hear me out and accept that I might ultimately not agree with their perspective, I am more than willing to get advice or alternative perspectives on my issues when I am upset. I think I am a fairly solution-oriented person, which is what eventually drove me to this forum instead of another hugbox that are all around the internet - if there is nothing I can do to make my life livable, then I want an actionable plan for getting out of life.
I also really appreciate a distraction, although it varies depending on how low I feel, but usually as long as it isn't a case of an extremely jarring gallows humor, I actually like to be distracted when there is nothing that can be done about the situation other than waiting and seeing what happens. So not only am I the weird suicidal person that wants advice, I am also that weird suicidal person that actually appreciates it when you randomly change the topic of an extremely bleak conversation to talking about your cat.
I might not fit the definition of a "chronically suicidal person", but I'm still a human being and the things that work for me go against all advice you can find pretty much anywhere on the Internet. Which, I think, proves that we're all different and that's why there cannot be any easy universal answers to the question "what you should and shouldn't say to a suicidal person".

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I think it's different to each person and situation and there isn't an easy answer. Sometimes trying to offer suggestions, etc can make the other person feel worse though. I don't know if there is some answer that works for everyone. When people are grieving the go-to is "I'm sorry for your loss, my condolenses" so I suppose when someone is suffering the go-to is "I'm sorry for your suffering" or something like that.

I'm sorry for everyone's suffering and the hell of our existences. I don't know what words could help, we could all use a miracle. In lieu of a miracle I'm sure the world does change everytime one of us ctbs, I'm not sure how helpful that is. Take care all, I wish I could leave soon myself. The world is very painful and I know happiness is impossibly out of reach for me.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course the worst thing that someone can do is invalidate what the other person is going through and say the predictable pro life platitudes and things like that. I guess that other people can try to listen to the person who is suffering, but for me I think that communication doesn't help anything. We are all experiencing life differently and others cannot experience life the same way or ever really understand what we go through after all. Words cannot solve real problems or take away the cause of our suffering, the reality is that as humans we are all alone and that is just the way that things are.

 

[Shiny]

One time, I was talking to a really close friend about my suicidal thoughts. This particular person knew that I had issues with depression, but prior to that conversation, they didn't know that I was suicidal as well. After I told them about my problems and the reasons why I thought I couldn't hold on any longer, this was their reply to me (not exactly word for word, but it was something like this) :

"...I can tell you're feeling pretty shitty, and I won't pretend like I can understand how you truly feel. If you really do need to leave... I won't try and stop you, and I won't try and comfort you with fake promises that it will get better. But at the very least, I want you to know that if you leave... I will miss you."

After a little bit more back and forth, they followed it up with "If in the future, you do decide it's time for you to go... will you please tell me first so that I can at least say goodbye?"

Those three sentences, hit me so hard. Normally, when you confess to someone about feeling suicidal, they always jump immediately to "Nooooooo!!!!! Don't kill yourself!!! You have so much to live for :( :(" or something stupid and unhelpful like that, which just makes you roll your eyes and regret having said anything in the first place.

That response was completely different from what I had expected. Rather than telling me not to do it, or change my mind, they completely accepted how I felt, and didn't attempt to change my mind. It felt like they actually heard me, and even though they couldn't understand how I felt, they could still empathize with me. And just simply stating they would miss me, it felt like they actually cared about my life. They weren't trying to be a savior who could brag to others that they "saved" someone from committing suicide, or out of some personal sense of justice either. It was simple--they would miss me. They didn't need anything more, and they didn't feel anything less.

I do agree with the others before me, that each person is different, and I'm sure that if you some of you heard those words, it wouldn't have helped you in any way. But for me, it was the kindest thing I had heard before. I think the biggest thing is trying to be accepting of their feelings. Don't try and convince them that their life is worth living, or that it's selfish etc. Because after all, if we could just change our way of thinking, most people probably would. Most of us don't want to feel shitty every day and live with the constant pain. And I think that having someone accept that we are suffering, rather than dismissing it, is what was most helpful to me.

 

[makethepainstop]

MN

This is a really great question. My main thought, that you already pointed out, is that individual situations can vary so widely.

Sometimes, my psych has allowed us to sit in silence after I express suicidal thoughts and that has helped, but sometimes I find it aggravating. I think the most helpful thing to me is when someone says "that sucks," or something similar. Just acknowledge that I'm in pain, that that pain is real and valid, and that there's no easy solution. But again, sometimes that makes me mad, especially when I was hoping someone might offer practical solutions.

Communication is key. Just talk to the person, for Pete's sake. What do you want from me? What can I say? What would be most helpful for you to hear right now? Don't parrot back whatever they say, but take it and modify it, find its essence, rephrase it and reflect it back to them. Listen. Acknowledge. Validate.

Why is communication so hard for so many trained professionals?

Trained professionals cannot know or feel. They can do clinical assessments, but they Don't Know how WE feel.

 

[myfinalform]

im here for you anytime u need someone to talk

 

[ksp]

a lot of great thoughts and suggestions in this thread

I think there is an important disconnect between 'normal' people and suicidals (I prefer to use the term 'people in touch with their mortality')

normals don't thing about death; they hate it, don't want anything to do with it, and don't want it debate it. 'I'll deal with it when the time comes but not now, subject closed, and if you continue to talk about it, it upsets me'

no wonder they can't morally support suicidals, even if they want to: morally is not acceptable by society. there is an internal conflict that forces them to 'default to saving you life'. there is no true connection between normals and us, and their 'help' is dictated be society; the only acceptable outcome is to force you to become normal again, and for most of us this is not acceptable

the only true comfort for us (suicidals) can be found in this community / forum: people that accept death, in fact all we talk about is death, and freedom brings us peace: but this is not acceptable to normals unfortunately…

actually, I think that society should learn from us how to deal with our mortality, and re-evaluate the norms and values about life, that are taken for granted, and without questioning them (my option)

I probably talked too much about this, but fascinating subject though

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

Everybody is different. Everybody needs different things and reacts to different things. So there's never going to be a one size fits all. What helps one person might repulse another.

I think the closest you can really get is to simply say, "I'm here, and I'm listening".

 

[dead lightbulb]

The only thing I think would help these thoughts is if the things in my life causing them in the first place were gone. Everything else is a temporary relief. Words don't change anything. Often times they're said so the person saying them feels like a good person. They don't care about my issues or me, they see a suicidal person and pity them. Good intentions or not I still feel that way. When I'm in this mental state words of encouragement turn into another dialogue option. For people who say " god loves you.", "You're the creator of your own reality", "Things will get better", that means nothing to a suicidal person.

I need my life to turn around, or better yet become a different person. Since neither is gonna happen, I'm just gonna kill myself. I'm doing it before October ends. I have a ton of SI but I'll definitely do it either way.

 

[Rounded Agony]

It's been said; there is no "the" right thing, because every case is unique. Does the suicidal person divulge details beyond they're feeling thus? Do they want to have them drawn out in earnest? Are they hoping for alternative perspective, a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, a distraction, validation, or some other thing(s)? There isn't one right response because there is not only one suicidal person, but people feel this way for different reasons.

I would expect something different from someone who already knew all the suffering I bare vs. someone who was learning about everything for the first time. A different response from someone whose known me long vs. recently.

All that said, I think active, honest, empathic listening is a pretty decent template response style. Validate what I say and feel, ask me questions that allow me to continue sharing and show it's okay to do so and that you're invested and acknowledge that you honestly do not have the ability to single-handedly fix my problem, but feel out whether I want advice or suggestions or whatever (if you haven't already realised your ideas haven't yet been tried or would not work).

After all that, ask me how you can help (don't just say you will if we ask because it fucking takes a bloody lot to ask for things sometimes), and damn well follow through on it. Although it hadn't come together in even my own mind yet so it wasn't especially heavy or even about suicide (being early as it was), the first person I ever opened up to at length about these kinds of feelings practically went AWOL afterward, when all I had asked for was communication and company given I had none of either at the time. Felt great, that.

 

[nembutal]

it all depends on what the person wants to hear truly. do they want pity? pity them. do they want validation for their troubles? validate them. do they want the presence of another person? be that presence.

 

[freight_train]

tell them to source N if they can, otherwise stick to SN. offer peaceful methods.

 

[willitpass]

i've lived like this for so long that i've become numb to what anyone can say. someday i just wish my family could tell me it's okay to let go and i've done all that i can, but i know that won't happen

 

[Smart No More]

I don't think there's just one thing. What would help me is if, when I'm at my worst, someone would just let me ramble for as long as I want about my suicidal thoughts. No advice, no telling me to get therapy, no anger. Just a genuine empathetic ear. And maybe a long hug. I just want to feel cared for and told my thoughts aren't burdensome.

God, I totally agree!

Just being heard and understood goes such a long way. Its a really lonely headspace to be in and when everyones knee jerk reacting to whatever you say and throwing canned responses at you it's intensely alienating.