Discussion What is the worst thing you've done (confession thread?)

[MyDeath88]

As the title says, what is the worst thing you think you've ever done? Do you strongly regret it? Does it keep you up at night? If you don't regret it, can you see how it was morally wrong? Does or does it not play into your decision to cbt?

I won't judge; keep in mind, however unforgiveable you think your act is, no one on earth has lived a spotless life. We are all unclean, and we all live in glass houses.

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I'll go first

There's this guy who I knew from high school and got along with pretty well, since we shared the same interests (internet brainrot, anime, etc) and were both autistic. High school ended, I lost contact with everyone (my fault) but didn't really mind, and everyone moved on, going their own way. Until one day we saw each other again at a city train station and reconnected somewhat. After a while he confided in me that he was feeling horrible because his best friend was cutting him off from everything and was gravitating towards other people, doing things she'd never do with him. He felt used and inadequate and since this friend was one of the closest people he had in his life, it really hurt him, especially since he's emotionally vulnerable about people in general (I am too).

What started as me trying to be there for a friend somehow turned into a kind of limerent obsession. I was there 24/7 typing up wall length messages, saying the exact things he wanted to hear (which was easy since I heavily related to him), talking to him every moment of the day, divulging into anyone and everything we could find to spend time on. It was fun, I really enjoyed his company, I hope he did mine too. We grew very close and he opened up to me about things he has never told anyone. He was happy someone finally understood him (I did), he worked on his mental health (got officially diagnosed with depression (and is hopefully seeing a therapist now I hope?)), he quit his studies to enroll in a more rewarding field, and he was just glad I could be there to support him throughout it, and was glad he could have me as a friend. And that it would stay that way. Whenever he was doubtful or anxious and asked if I would leave him, I told him I'd be there for him forever.

So I dipped out of the relationship. Don't understand why I did it myself. I could talk about SI or self sabotage but in the end there really is no excuse. One day I just stopped replying and essentially ghosted him forever. And yes, whilst he did have other people in his life and a general support system, things I said to convince myself that my absence didn't matter in the long run, it must've hurt right? To have your closest friend abandon you for seemingly no reason while you already suffer from abandonment issues due to your previous best friend leaving you all the same. He's already prone to blaming himself for problems he can't make sense of logically, going so far as to self harm, so it's not like this was a victimless crime, even if only for a while.

It's been around a year or so now. I'm pretty sure he's moved on and is doing okay in life, and thinking back I've proably overestimated my importance to him. But it was still a genuinely terrible thing to do. I know I wouldn't have been okay if it happened to me.

 

[fallendevil]

I don't even know what the worst thing I've done is tbh, but when I was 7 I was at this performing arts school and I was irritated because I had to practice walking down the catwalk for an upcoming show and I was sitting alone in the corner to cool off and I said something like "I hope this school gets bombed" and some girl overheard me and snitched and I think they did shut down so it was probably me who wished that onto the gods.

I also used to have an "edgy" sense of humor in middle school bc that was the trend back then unfortunately and I laughed at some pretty fucked up shit

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

Probably saying idiotic gamer words to other people online when I was 12. I really didn't do bad things to anyone outside of calling them out slurs as a kid, I was an angry dumbass because of my bad family dynamic at the time.

I'll tell you something funny that happened to me 2 months ago to lighten up the mood.

I'm not joking. I accidentally STOLE GUM by putting it in my pocket, I wanted to initially buy it but I LITERALLY FORGOT about it, I found out when I got home. So like the most normal person you'll ever see, I left my groceries, went to the bathroom "I need some soap and cleaning products" , went back 15 mins on foot to the store, get the cleaning products, sneakly pull out the gum from my jacket pocket and paid for it

 

[hippiedeath]

It's just a series of fuckups. I've stolen, committed adultery, said vicious killing words to people. I lie and cheat and drink and drug. I hate on people and all this i still feel ok. I want to die, but I don't even know why. I'm just constantly attacked by unseen forces.

 

[decayofangels]

I caused someone's death.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I made a med error that nearly killed a patient. I blacked out, nearly hung myself, threatened to kill a coworker and ended up hospitalized.

 

[hippiedeath]

I caused someone's death.

I was culpable in someone's death too depending on how you see it.

 

[ginko0]

Consciously using someone for sexual pleasure after a breakup. What's worse is that it was a friend of mine that was in love with me since before my breakup. Don't even remember how I justified it to myself at the time, knowing that I didn't really like him.

 

[hippiedeath]

Consciously using someone for sexual pleasure after a breakup. What's worse is that it was a friend of mine that was in love with me since before my breakup. Don't even remember how I justified it to myself at the time, knowing that I didn't really like him.

I've used girls for sex several times. They didn't deserve that. More reason to ctb sooner than later.

 

[Lost Impact]

i dated the wrong people and befriended the wrong people and trusted the wrong people and it will follow me forever until i die and then they'll all dance on my grave. i lie, i hurt people. being asexual and ugly spared me from making bad sexual decisions at least. that's the only thing i haven't done.
i also exist at the expense of someone else's life and i can't cope with it. i never wanted to be born. i never wanted to live. someone that should be alive isn't anymore, but i am??? something like me exists? there is truly no god here.

 

[FoxSauce]

Well moslty being a little shit to my mother when I was a kid and moslty giving her a hard time. Icant forgive myself for that.


I cant forgive myself for that. Envy towards my big sister since she was treated better.

 

[lv-nii]

Consciously making bad decisions because of my low self-esteem and the little hope I have left. I've wasted truly good long-term opportunities that could've possibly helped me deal with my depression. But laziness wins. I deeply hate that part of myself.

 

[fatty44]

Consciously making bad decisions because of my low self-esteem and the little hope I have left. I've wasted truly good long-term opportunities that could've possibly helped me deal with my depression. But laziness wins. I deeply hate that part of myself.

I relate to this a lot. Although my therapist says the cause of this is my depression, it still seems like an excuse and honestly, does it even matter? The outcome stays the same. Fml.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

There are a number of things, but I think the fact that I pretended to recover/downplayed the severity of my depression will be the cruelest thing I did in my life if I end up killing myself. I believe that my reasons for doing this are quite selfish, as I am taking a pretty big gamble that realistically is not likely to go my way.

 

[UntitledUser]

Well moslty being a little shit to my mother when I was a kid and moslty giving her a hard time. Icant forgive myself for that.


I cant forgive myself for that. Envy towards my big sister since she was treated better.

I was very ungrateful to my mom. Once, when I was 11 or 12, I even tried to strangle her for no reason. I never apologized. Since her death, that has haunted me

 

[Notlikeforte]

For me it's almost killing someone in self-defense, something I am afraid to even admit to my therapist as a trauma.

 

[PI3.14]

My future suicide ig. I have a feeling that it will lead to my parents getting a heart attack or something. I have a feeling they won't survive my action and yet I can't continue to live.

 

[troubledM]

the worst? i let my past relationship trauma ruin the one i had with the love of my life. Every single thing i feared of happening to us happened. no answers. no closure. I said too much about what i was really going through.. it got used as ammunition to get away from me. I guess the worst thing ive done is ive trusted... if any of this makes sense

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

I don't have something like a moral instinct. There is not much that I regret, maybe that I started to live out my perversions rather late in my life.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Wasted all my time watching "youtube" news social media videos when I should have been working on deciding and getting a suicide method ready to go and then do it

 

[UnusedGate]

Stolen money from parents. The only two people in this world who actually care about me.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Shoved my mom. :(

 

[kagebunshin]

Both of my parents cheated on each other a lot throughout my childhood and adolescence. It fostered a bitter home environment because they weren't in an open relationship and resented each other. I grew up thinking it was normal and even expected to cheat on your partner in adult relationships, and if the other got upset, it was because they weren't mature enough or didn't understand the nature of relationships among adults.

It was my own sense of guilt which, by my mid-twenties, taught me that actually that isn't the case and my parents are just dysfunctional. I still cheated on partners before that realisation though, for which I feel tremendous guilt and shame.

 

[mangoastronaut]

A lot of these responses make me concerned about how young the people are on here.

To answer your question, I didn't know it at the time but I r*ped someone. She told me a few days later and I immediately apologized. Word spread through social media, and I wasn't on it so idk what exactly was being said. But everyone around me said she was untrustworthy, had accused innocent people before, and she herself had r*ped and SA'ed people in the past.

I don't know if any of that is true. I choose to believe her because I was taught to believe survivors.

For years, I didn't open myself up romantically to others, and I only sexually opened myself up as a form of SH. I still feel immense guilt about it, but I feel like now I can navigate romantic and sexual situations with clear communication and respect towards the other person. Even then, I often don't want to have sex with my partner out of fear of hurting them, which is often hard to deal with because they're a masochist.

I remember when Andrew Callaghan got accused of SA by multiple women, and in response he said he was stupid, didn't know/understand that was happening, and was going to go offline and stay away to learn to do better. It sounded sincere to me, and it made realize I probably didn't understand my actions because of the way patriarchy molded the way I perceived the world and my interactions with women. Had a lot of unlearning and learning to do. Still don't trust myself sometimes.

 

[copioushopelessness]

I caused someone's death.

How?

 

[MiMif]

I'm a piece of shit...genuinely I am. The worst thing I've done is get a pet. I treat her like shit and have had her since middle school. A year after I got her I told my parents I didn't want her but they forced me to have her. I never physically harmed her but I've had thoughts of snapping her neck and after years they grow day by day. I do the barr minimum for her and feed her but that's it. She looks at me and cuddles next to me and I feel repulsed. I feel so sorry towards her.

I'm truly a POS. I constantly pray for her death and hope she does Everytime she cuddles with me and wants to play with me and when I feed her. And I've always told my parents since I got her I didn't want her because I knew she didn't deserve an owner like me but they refused to let me give her away. When I became an adult I tried to give her away to a friend but my parents said they'd take care of her and since she was in the house for years I agreed but then they threw the responsibility on her back on me. I feel so sad for her but still when I see her I can't wait for her to die. Maybe so I can stop taking care of her or maybe to stop feeling guilty

 

[Jisatsu]

I convinced a friend of mine to ctb just to see if he would do it...
I blame myself everyday for it.

 

[lasttogo]

I threw a fork at someone's head when I was littleish. It was someone that had bullied me and caused me trauma for so long but that doesn't excuse it. I also missed which was good, because I did it reflexively and as soon as it hit the floor I realized it was a really dangerous thing to do and I could have hurt the other person. In my mind I was not thinking that, I had been told a day prior that I should stand up for myself so in that second it made sense but then I immediately felt such intense guilt. I still feel that to this day. If I had hit them they would have gotten really hurt and that would have been my fault even though it was not actually my intention. I'm just so glad I didn't actually hit them I really didn't think about it before doing it. I'm sorry to that person

 

[princexhhn]

There was a few months period of time where I lied myself into relationships solely because I liked the feeling of someone being in love with me, but I'd leave eventually because I never really liked them. Basically, I manipulated them, used them, and then discarded them when I felt like it. I also just kinda found it entertaining how badly they tried getting me to stay and like how sad they were when I broke up w them. One of them said "I know it's a bad idea, but I just want you."

It's fine. I didn't love them, I don't think they really truly loved me either. Limerence at its finest. Still, it was pretty shitty of me to do. I started feeling bad about it months later when I stopped. I don't wanna be the kind of person that hurts others.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I feel the worst thing I've done is in the early stages of my current relationship I followed their inclination of having an open relationship and fooled around with people together. It was actually very uncomfortable to me, but I went a long with it because I thought that's what he wanted and I wanted to please him. At one point I got overwhelmed and shared with him and others we were involved with that I was SA'd when I was younger. Somehow they took this as me telling him that he's "rapey". I clammed up and didn't clarify. We lost all of our friends and we've just been platonic for years. It makes me very sad. I somehow ruined that aspect of our relationship and I don't think it'll ever return. When he's angry and upset he brings up that some of his old friends still think he's a rapist. The actual issue was I couldn't create or maintain boundaries. I feel a lot of guilt and shame about this. We're still together, but we feel more like roommates.