Discussion What's the reason most people want to CTB? //

[synchroscope]

I'm just not a good investment. The only thing that kept me alive through 0-18 was the knowledge that I was going to go to a good college. Once I got there, I did well in school in terms of pure numbers, but in the end, I graduated without a single academic reference and zero interpersonal relationships. Literally nobody knew who I was. I remember dreading hearing my name being called at graduation because everybody else had people in their corner cheering for them. It was actually comical the difference between everyone else's applause and mine. I don't think a single person from college remembers me, which is fine by me because I don't remember a single person from college.

I had severe social anxiety that I diagnosed as AVPD when I turned 18. But today I have a diagnosis of Schizoid Personality Disorder, and looking back, I'm pretty sure I never did have AVPD. I tried to make friends but the drive just wasn't there. I'm not sure what I really wanted tbh. I kept ghosting people who wanted to talk to me because the truth was, I got absolutely nothing out of any of the social events I tried to force myself to go to. Socializing was just misery from start to finish.

I accepted my SPD dx when realized that was the reality of it- I don't want anything to do with reality or real people. I coped hard through my teen years by maladaptive daydreaming about fictional characters and writing my own stories. But people would never live up to my fantasies, and it wasn't fair of me to expect them to.

Now I no longer crave physical and emotional intimacy- I used to lay in bed and think, who am I going to pretend to be tonight. I was never even a part of my own fantasies- I ruined everything, even inside my own mind. I used to lay in bed and pretend that I was someone else, and that that someone else was capable of being loved by another person. I don't remember even once fantasizing about being ME and having a relationship (not even necessarily a romantic one).

When you're so disconnected from your own life and reality that you can't even fantasize about what your own life might look like in the future… yeah, you've got problems.

Maybe if I won the lottery I would stay alive a little longer. If I could buy a house with some land north of nowhere where I could just live on food delivery and have a fenced in yard for my dog to play in. But ultimately the worst part of this disorder is the anhedonia. Nothing makes me want to live. I don't have any passions. I used to, sort of. But I struggled every day to actually DO anything with those passions.

Now I've learned- it doesn't matter if I want something. I can't have it. So I pre-grieve every action I could possibly take in my life to make it better, because I've TRIED to take those actions before. I just cannot sustain them.

I was always a quitter in my youth. I went through dozens of after school clubs, activities, hobbies, classes, but I couldn't stick with anything for longer than six months. It's fitting that I quit life too when I'm barely even a quarter through it.

 

[eashanm]

Tri angle for Euthanasia
- Tired of Life
- Health Problems
- Goals

Segregate the issues for Euthanasia.
- Will to live has died. - Tired of life. Done with it.
- Suffering from illnesses
- Suffering from anxiety of living

In short, completed my life. Achieved everything I wanted to.

 

[carac]

Three words simply sum it up for me "lost all hope" there is even a suicide Web site called this. Obviously everyone has their own individual circumstances and everyone is different but when there is no hope left there is no reason to carry on.

 

[FailerQt.]

The story is way too long, but the conclusion to it is simply unrequited love. There's much more to it than only that if course.

 

[Kit1]

My reasons are as follows;

1. Repeated flashbacks, nightmares and dissociation due to every type of conceivable abuse throughout childhood by various people.
2. No reliable trusting caregiver since birth and still have major trust issues.
3. Homeless by the time I was a teenager.
4. Now have complex PTSD.
5. Autistic.
6. A medical system (NHS) who are unable or unwilling to support me due to accessibility challenges which means that I stopped engaging with my GP whonwas Good at keeping me alive and also stopped taking all my meds more than three months ago.

Given point 6, CTB is just a matter of time as I am not capable of keeping myself safe at all times without the necessary support.

 

[Sleeper System]

Im a 22 y/o shut-in. I have not been examined by a psychiatrist (poor and wait times are too long) but I'm mentally slow on top of having emotional dysregulation and an inability to keep up in social settings. When I was 18 at the beginning of my last year of high school, I was behind on every subject (probably had to repeat a year at the pace I was going) and snapped when I missed a due date for an english assignment. Stopped attending school, cut off contact with everyone, and stayed in my room for 10 months without talking to anyone.

Family tried to help, brought me to the doctors (one of which told me to just exercise and stop using my phone), was sent to emergency, only to be redirected to the youth couselling service that I had already been to. Felt like my problems were being dismissed but that didn't matter because at that point I had no plans on staying here for too long. Have since holed myself up at home putting up a happy persona to keep my family from worrying.

I guess my main reason for ctb is that I don't see myself fitting in with the rest of the world, I never saw a future for myself even before high school, but my experience then just cemented

I don't understand when people say they're shut-ins. In japanese culture, it refers to a person who essentially leeches off their parents and doesn't do anything productive like sleeping and eating or just playing video games all day. My question is... dont your parents have to have some stability in the first place to even allow that to happen? I wish I had that. Im the type of poor that ive been homeless 4 times in my life. So I just don't get it.

The story is way too long, but the conclusion to it is simply unrequited love. There's much more to it than only that if course.

That's all that needs to be said. That's a painful one.

My reasons are as follows;

1. Repeated flashbacks, nightmares and dissociation due to every type of conceivable abuse throughout childhood by various people.
2. No reliable trusting caregiver since birth and still have major trust issues.
3. Homeless by the time I was a teenager.
4. Now have complex PTSD.
5. Autistic.
6. A medical system (NHS) who are unable or unwilling to support me due to accessibility challenges which means that I stopped engaging with my GP whonwas Good at keeping me alive and also stopped taking all my meds more than three months ago.

Given point 6, CTB is just a matter of time as I am not capable of keeping myself safe at all times without the necessary support.

I'm curious to know where you are from.
I didn't suffer abuse in the sense that it was their intention to be abusive.
It's just this generational ignorance and fear they passed on to me from their own upbringing.
I was homeless many times. If not for goverment aid I would probably be dead.
Funny. Surivived so much bs just to want to die anyway in the end.

I'm just not a good investment. The only thing that kept me alive through 0-18 was the knowledge that I was going to go to a good college. Once I got there, I did well in school in terms of pure numbers, but in the end, I graduated without a single academic reference and zero interpersonal relationships. Literally nobody knew who I was. I remember dreading hearing my name being called at graduation because everybody else had people in their corner cheering for them. It was actually comical the difference between everyone else's applause and mine. I don't think a single person from college remembers me, which is fine by me because I don't remember a single person from college.

I had severe social anxiety that I diagnosed as AVPD when I turned 18. But today I have a diagnosis of Schizoid Personality Disorder, and looking back, I'm pretty sure I never did have AVPD. I tried to make friends but the drive just wasn't there. I'm not sure what I really wanted tbh. I kept ghosting people who wanted to talk to me because the truth was, I got absolutely nothing out of any of the social events I tried to force myself to go to. Socializing was just misery from start to finish.

I accepted my SPD dx when realized that was the reality of it- I don't want anything to do with reality or real people. I coped hard through my teen years by maladaptive daydreaming about fictional characters and writing my own stories. But people would never live up to my fantasies, and it wasn't fair of me to expect them to.

Now I no longer crave physical and emotional intimacy- I used to lay in bed and think, who am I going to pretend to be tonight. I was never even a part of my own fantasies- I ruined everything, even inside my own mind. I used to lay in bed and pretend that I was someone else, and that that someone else was capable of being loved by another person. I don't remember even once fantasizing about being ME and having a relationship (not even necessarily a romantic one).

When you're so disconnected from your own life and reality that you can't even fantasize about what your own life might look like in the future… yeah, you've got problems.

Maybe if I won the lottery I would stay alive a little longer. If I could buy a house with some land north of nowhere where I could just live on food delivery and have a fenced in yard for my dog to play in. But ultimately the worst part of this disorder is the anhedonia. Nothing makes me want to live. I don't have any passions. I used to, sort of. But I struggled every day to actually DO anything with those passions.

Now I've learned- it doesn't matter if I want something. I can't have it. So I pre-grieve every action I could possibly take in my life to make it better, because I've TRIED to take those actions before. I just cannot sustain them.

I was always a quitter in my youth. I went through dozens of after school clubs, activities, hobbies, classes, but I couldn't stick with anything for longer than six months. It's fitting that I quit life too when I'm barely even a quarter through it.

I didn't graduate highschool. I never went to college. (Not that I wanted to)
I never felt like I had any hope to begin with. I sort of just stumbled on to a job.
I just kept showing up and doing that job and now 13 years later here I am.
I hate the job. I hate my life. I wish I was dead. Nothing matters in the grand scheme.
I should be greatful but Im not and that makes me hate myself even more.
I feel sad for us both. :(

 

[bebebeep]

I don't understand when people say they're shut-ins. In japanese culture, it refers to a person who essentially leeches off their parents and doesn't do anything productive like sleeping and eating or just playing video games all day. My question is... dont your parents have to have some stability in the first place to even allow that to happen? I wish I had that. Im the type of poor that ive been homeless 4 times in my life. So I just don't get it.

We are stable, I don't know the details because my parents don't share the specifics of our finances with me but we're a family of 6 living in a 2 bedroom apartment. I've been told by my mom my whole life that we're poor so I kinda just rolled with it. It is a wonder how they can still house me, I'm grateful for it but also guilty because I'm just dead weight.

I know we aren't the poorest family, I didn't mean to come across as condescending or anything, sorry if that's how it seemed. Will retract that statement.

 

[kcatchesthebus]

Long story short, unrequited love. My life partner no longer wants to do life together and I have nothing

 

[Kit1]

I'm curious to know where you are from.
I didn't suffer abuse in the sense that it was their intention to be abusive.
It's just this generational ignorance and fear they passed on to me from their own upbringing.
I was homeless many times. If not for goverment aid I would probably be dead.
Funny. Surivived so much bs just to want to die anyway in the end.

I was born in a country in Asia and spent the first 12 years of my life in Asia, Africa, Australia before cming to the UK - came to the UK as I turned 13. My parents left me in their country of origin and took my siblings, joined them aged 6 and there were further movements with one or the other parent due to their separation later on - they were working in various countries. Abuse was from different people though mum had mental health challenges and was actually physically and emotionally abusive (though I only lived with her for 5.5 years in my entire life between the ages of 6 and 12. Dad,.though physically abusive, was mainly absent anyway due to work. Homelessness was in the UK as I left home (best decision I ever made) and did not want to enter the care system and managed tonsuccessfully avoid it - I had this fear that if I get caught by the police or social services, they too will rape me.., I am now in my 40s.

 

[Sleeper System]

We are stable, I don't know the details because my parents don't share the specifics of our finances with me but we're a family of 6 living in a 2 bedroom apartment. I've been told by my mom my whole life that we're poor so I kinda just rolled with it. It is a wonder how they can still house me, I'm grateful for it but also guilty because I'm just dead weight.

I know we aren't the poorest family, I didn't mean to come across as condescending or anything, sorry if that's how it seemed. Will retract that statement.

It seems like they do enough to keep a roof over your familys head. That's a good thing.
I was in a similar situation like yours. Eventually i started to fear the day when I didnt have that anymore because they wouldnt be there or they would get fed up with me and have to disown me or something and that was another cause of my first dance with depression and suicidal ideation.

Now, i live alone but im still poor in the sense that i need to work to keep what I have. So I understand.

I was born in a country in Asia and spent the first 12 years of my life in Asia, Africa, Australia before cming to the UK - came to the UK as I turned 13. My parents left me in their country of origin and took my siblings, joined them aged 6 and there were further movements with one or the other parent due to their separation later on - they were working in various countries. Abuse was from different people though mum had mental health challenges and was actually physically and emotionally abusive (though I only lived with her for 5.5 years in my entire life between the ages of 6 and 12. Dad,.though physically abusive, was mainly absent anyway due to work. Homelessness was in the UK as I left home (best decision I ever made) and did not want to enter the care system and managed tonsuccessfully avoid it - I had this fear that if I get caught by the police or social services, they too will rape me.., I am now in my 40s.

Im both proud of you for surviving your ordeals and at the same time extremely angry that the human race is so resilient in the face of adversity. Makes ctbing that much harder.