Discussion What's keeping you here... (for now)?

[Squiddy]

My family, friends and fear of hell is keeping me here. I wish I could just die already.

 

[Bct]

My friend put her motorbike on my place so at least I have to stay alive before she comes back, and it just doesn't feel right if my mood for CTB isn't high enough, or maybe I'm just trying to collect my courage to do it.

 

[itsamadworld]

SI- Just Discovering that, life will never get better with age was a rude awakening and that was a lie.....it's the same ole shit-pit, only one gets older and uglier....

 

[KleinerWolf]

For me personally, I'm waiting till the quarantine gets lifted.
I want to have a more accurate picture how bad its impact on tourism and hospitality industry.

since I work as a cook and using it as a pathway to immigrate.
I'm not myself unless I find a way to unite myself with my identities.

I don't like to ctb.
but we will see.

 

[ReturnToNothing]

Fear of not being peaceful. I have access to SN, I could do it whenever I'm just holding out for hope that I can find access to N, F, H, or some cocktail.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

My bullier will soon leave my home.

 

[RayoSinSol]

1) still waiting for Metoclopramide
2) if I work long enough at my new job I can possibly afford a "better" method
3) my partner. If I decide not to end this, it's because of him.

 

[WinterFaust]

I don't have SN yet but I'll order it soon, get an rx of meto, and gotta figure out the logistics of getting to a hotel.
But also, I clearly haven't exhausted all my options yet so I might try recovery. Hard to try to recover when you feel like you have no one or nothing to live for.

 

[KleinerWolf]

I don't have SN yet but I'll order it soon, get an rx of meto, and gotta figure out the logistics of getting to a hotel.
But also, I clearly haven't exhausted all my options yet so I might try recovery. Hard to try to recover when you feel like you have no one or nothing to live for.

I can relate.
Hard to go through things alone.
Takes immense courage just as much as ctb.

 

[WinterFaust]

I can relate.
Hard to go through things alone.
Takes immense courage just as much as ctb.

It certainly does take a lot of courage. And yes, it really is difficult. Loneliness and isolation pushes the issue for me. I often feel like a child because I can't weather the storm on my own like a proper adult.

 

[KleinerWolf]

It certainly does take a lot of courage. And yes, it really is difficult. Loneliness and isolation pushes the issue for me. I often feel like a child because I can't weather the storm on my own like a proper adult.

Yeah I agree.
Gotta keep the chin up for our own wellbeing.
Keen to find a way to solve the actual problems.

 

[xalltoowell]

Mostly fear. Fear of failing and ending up worse off, and fear of the unknown of what comes after death. And a very small sliver of hope that I could have a normal life and achieve my goals.

 

[muffin222]

Somewhere deep inside of me I am holding on to hope....does anyone else think that things can get better?

Yes. I guess I'm an optimist at heart, so I keep holding out hope that I can find new and different ways to create a peaceful existence that I haven't considered before

 

[darkhorse256]

My loved ones-my bf and my cousin. I know how it'll affect them if I do decide to CTB and I don't want to put them through any pain.

 

[idontevenknowanymore]

One reason is my rabbit. She hates and bites literally everyone except me, I love her to death and she's the only one who I can cuddle with when I only see darkness.

Another huge reason is my boyfriend. He's the reason why I didn't ctb 2 years ago because he gave me hope. But right now bc of this stupid virus, I can't see him (I live in Germany, he lives in Switzerland, borders are closed for non-married couples ) and it's slowly driving me insane and closer and closer to not even caring about him. I love him and don't want to hurt him but I also think he could (and should) get a better girlfriend than me.

Therapist is trying to convince me to go to a psychiatry ward again (would be my 3rd time in one year) but I can't do that anymore. I've seen how things go in there and I would be lying if I said it made things better for me.

 

[Erase.myself]

The fact that I don't have Metoclopramide yet is what's holding me back. Once I get that *crossing my fingers for Monday's Doctor appointment* , then I'm going "hotel hunting" in my area to find the one I'd be most comfortable to ctb in. My SN came yesterday so I'm just waiting for the Meto, logistics.

 

[jesse]

My instinctual fear of death is the biggest reason. Following that, my guilt about destroying my mother emotionally (when she found out I ctb) is a huge factor. Those two are why I aborted my attempt. Also, lately I have this weird hope that things will somehow get better. I have no justification for that hope, but it's there. I have no human connections, no ambitions, no joys. Despite all the misery and pain, this little hope lingers, and I wonder if it somehow got lost and is following around the wrong person.

 

[GoBack]

It's weird maybe but anger is also keeping me from going through with it. I'm too angry with the people that put me here, it makes leaving in any kind of peace impossible. I hate feeling like a victim

 

[HeartbrokenViking1]

I figured I try to achieve some of the dreams I had besides my relationship working out and once I have achieved those, call her. Giving myself 3 years, can always end it a little later. But hopefully by the time those 3 years are up I am doing so well I won't want to die regardless.

 

[Aeathelina]

Honestly, alcohol and my dog. Sounds petty but those are the only things that bring me any kind of joy.

 

[Enterthevoid]

My sensitive and intuitive husband, the fact that I'm pregnant with our first child, our sweet dog. On paper, I should be so happy. But living with untreated depression for 10+ years and living each day only looking forward to the day something will push you over the edge hard enough to never come back really fucks up your brain. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I lost my mind and soul a long time ago and will never be able to feel okay again. I'm not myself anymore, antidepressants, therapy, psychedelics, sobriety, connection... nothing has helped. I feel even more insane and empty now than ever. So I guess it's just coming to terms with it all.

 

[madbananas]

Survival instinct. That's it lol I have nothing and I get rejected and abandoned by everyone I love.

 

[mote]

I still love the wilderness, for one.. other than that, I don't know exactly. I know my two biggest fears stall me; vomiting and hospitals... and there's something else keeping me. It's like one piece of the suicide equation is missing. It's just a feeling, an ambiguous tether to the world. Some days I desperately want to find that thing that's keeping me here, so I can break it off too and let go. Other days I hope it remains a mystery, and I'm sure you can guess why.

 

[Cancún]

todays my moms bday cant do it today

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

To be honest nothing. Lockdown is stopping my ability to get hold of SN so I'm thinking of doing partial but I will now have to recreate my plan. I'm just a complete fuck up who even messes up killing himself. I would happy hire a hitman just to get it over with.

 

[WinterFaust]

Yeah I agree.
Gotta keep the chin up for our own wellbeing.
Keen to find a way to solve the actual problems.

I've never actually been able to do this before and now my situation is a lot for me to try to handle. It's like, now I want to learn this skill? Would've saved me a world of pain if I had it 6 months ago.
But better late than never or something... lol

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I live with my friend's family (after suicide attempt one month ago).
SN stuck in the post.

 

[Notf1xable]

My stupid survival instinct I had it almost done but I failed

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Somewhere deep inside of me I am holding on to hope....does anyone else think that things can get better?

I badly wish, but once affairs and responsibilities are settled, I'll catch my bus. So for now, my affairs and responsibilities tie me here.

 

[RileyTanaka]

One last option - if this doesn't work, I am just done.