What's keeping you alive?

[m1v]

What is still keeping you alive today? We surely must all have at least one reason. I think most of the people's reasons are slowly fading away and even disappearing. Which is why they happen to be there.

I had 2 reasons, one of them is almost completely gone. I'm basically holding onto a thread.

 

[m1v]

The fear of failing suicide and ending up as an invalid and also living with the regrets of even failing suicide after failing everything else in life likewise.

That's well said. I don't think there's no coming back from failing a suicide attempt. That's literally worst than dying..no puns intended.

Crippling addiction to a mobile game keeps me so poor I don't have the money for a preferred method lol combined with payments for therapist and psychiatrist and I'm broke AF. Besides I feel extreme pressure about being responsible for people in my surrounding. Just yesterday my sister called me because she couldn't handle someone from her school ctb'ing and I just feel like shit

That's interesting, i wonder what game is keeping you that broke, it must be, and it better be a top tier mobile game then lol Hope you get your stuff sorted out a bit though, best wishes. <3

 

[Chunchi]

What is still keeping you alive today? We surely must all have at least one reason. I think most of the people's reasons are slowly fading away and even disappearing. Which is why they happen to be there.

I had 2 reasons, one of them is almost completely gone. I'm basically holding onto a thread.

Not so sure anymore. Had a girl friend who was there always for me i and i betrayed her in a dumb way and now she cant forgive me. Last night was the first night i cried in so long and i am not so sure what is stopping me now from ctb. My parents dont really love me and in my friend group i am the one who is invited sometimes to things. Only answer left is the gym because it helped me before so im hoping it will again. All the love to yall <3

 

[kwho]

Waiting for the yew seeds to be delivered (i ruined my last batch) and figuring out how to counteract the effects of the ephedrine. That was a major issue when i used mere 90 seeds, so i can just imagine the effects of ephedrine contained in 1000 seeds. Terror and convulsions and what not i can take, but the ephedrine potentially canceling out the taxine, no.

Other than that nothing at all. I'm ready and packed so to speak.


... also, i wanted to add - i love you all, wonderful people!

 

[pompompurin]

I'm not sure really, I don't think I'm ready to ctb yet, I'm just analysing the options that I have on hand and options that I can get. I don't want to ctb before I get all of my debts paid off etc. don't wanna be a burden after everything that I did to my family.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Hmm, I think that the best way to describe what keeps me alive is fear. I can still hear their cries and sobs of a friend on the night of my first attempt when I think about ending it all. And since I failed, I went through the repercussions of feeling horribly sick afterwards, needing to be evaluated, seeing professionals that did not help, being lectured by religious friends and family members and the mental health professionals evaluating me, etc.

Now, I'm years removed from that experience. So many things have changed. I have people that depend on me and people who, amazingly, still care, and I worry what will become of them. I have friends online that I have known for a decade and have never met; they will never know what happened to me if I can't tell them myself. I'm not very moved by the prospects of things maybe getting better in the future, because I've been waiting for almost two decades for that to happen now. But I am worried about how much worse things will get for the people around me in the aftermath of a successful attempt. That makes me want to accept and try to live with the hand I've been dealt, at least, I guess I could say. But I do wonder how much this fear could be stretched and if I'll ever stop caring at some point. It is a little sad that the only reason I'm living is to be an asset to everyone else's lives. I'm supposedly making them so happy by just being here (I don't doubt it), but I cannot figure out how to get some of that happiness for myself, haha.

 

[Secret]

My animals and my mum. (I still live at home as can't work due to my MH problems)
I am still wanting to ctb in the future when I have no one, so I want to get a few methods finalised so at least I know what i am going to do.
Every day is a battle as trying to fight the thoughts and barely hanging on tbh. That's why I'm on here though, to figure out what method I will use when the time comes.

I'm 34 and I do NOT want to have another 34 years on this planet. Just no. My mum and my animals are all I have, but when I am all on my own, then there will be nothing keeping me here.

Just wish I could settle on a method for the future!

 

[Depression]

Nothing honestly. Anything I thought I was holding onto is just false hope. I guess the biggest reason I'm still here is cause I don't have access to a method I'm comfortable with. At least not yet.

 

[Peerless_Cucumber]

It's really weird. I want to ctb yet I don't. There's this hope that I can get hormones and surgeries and actually feel good about myself for once. Since I found out I was trans I could never shake the hope of living as the opposite sex one day. One day everything will be better. Once I can start hormones. Once I had surgeries. Once I actually pass in society. I'm still depressed. But somehow I'm not feeling as bad anymore now that I know that this is actually possible. I don't know when it'll happen and this is killing me but it is possible and that's what's keeping me alive. It's even giving me a will to live against my will. I don't know if it is a gift or a curse. But because of it I'm just no longer confident that I want to ctb. It's weird and exhausting as hell.

 

[PyramidHead]

My mom, and the fear of messing up. Also the false hope that maybe I'll find someone to pull me out of this lonesome hell. Gonna give it a year or two max, unless circumstances speed it up lol. I've got my method, so I just need the perfect time and setup for it.

 

[marsthemoosh]

my bf, he is amazing in every way and before him I always felt so alone, like I had no future except for death. but then after years of being friends he confessed, and ever since it has been great, he's perfect and I love him so so much. but sometimes i wonder if he would be better off without me. i get easily irritated and tend to snap over nothing, im stuborn and dont listen to reason and i do feel bad after but I dont know how to get better. one day he will probably leave because i was to much to handle and then i will finally have eternal sleep where i can no longer hurt the ones I love

 

[BringMeToLife]

Obligation

 

[Ambivalent1]

I need to have sex a few more times. It's been years since the last time. Hopefully I discover that it's overrated

 

[dwindlingfirst]

What is still keeping you alive today? We surely must all have at least one reason. I think most of the people's reasons are slowly fading away and even disappearing. Which is why they happen to be there.

I had 2 reasons, one of them is almost completely gone. I'm basically holding onto a thread.

Probably this girl I like(I don't think she gives a shit abt me), mixed in with hurting my mom, and not being able to find a clear method. If I had a gun, I'd be gone by now. if I had cyanide, I'd be gone by now. The other options like jumping or hanging scare me, but I really want to end it all as soon as possible.

 

[headinspace]

What is still keeping you alive today? We surely must all have at least one reason. I think most of the people's reasons are slowly fading away and even disappearing. Which is why they happen to be there.

I had 2 reasons, one of them is almost completely gone. I'm basically holding onto a thread.

Really my dog and my next to impossible dream of becoming a horse trainer. The latter is rapidly declining as I realistically weigh my options for my future, so mostly my dog.

 

[warriorofeld]

Caught in a limbo as it were time will tell which way the coin drops.. Feel like two face, half the time I say to myself "I'm gonna die" other half "its gonna be ok" .

 

[wesv]

Time money and a foreign country. All obtainable in the near future.

 

[Idkanon]

I'm scared of fucking up and I don't want to leave my younger sister alone with my father.

 

[m1v]

I need to have sex a few more times. It's been years since the last time. Hopefully I discover that it's overrated

I feel like it's overrated too.

Hmm, I think that the best way to describe what keeps me alive is fear. I can still hear their cries and sobs of a friend on the night of my first attempt when I think about ending it all. And since I failed, I went through the repercussions of feeling horribly sick afterwards, needing to be evaluated, seeing professionals that did not help, being lectured by religious friends and family members and the mental health professionals evaluating me, etc.

Now, I'm years removed from that experience. So many things have changed. I have people that depend on me and people who, amazingly, still care, and I worry what will become of them. I have friends online that I have known for a decade and have never met; they will never know what happened to me if I can't tell them myself. I'm not very moved by the prospects of things maybe getting better in the future, because I've been waiting for almost two decades for that to happen now. But I am worried about how much worse things will get for the people around me in the aftermath of a successful attempt. That makes me want to accept and try to live with the hand I've been dealt, at least, I guess I could say. But I do wonder how much this fear could be stretched and if I'll ever stop caring at some point. It is a little sad that the only reason I'm living is to be an asset to everyone else's lives. I'm supposedly making them so happy by just being here (I don't doubt it), but I cannot figure out how to get some of that happiness for myself, haha.

living for others sounds tiresome. Personally, it might sound selfish but once you die, you won't be able to feel anymore, so there's nothing to care about anymore, it's an end to all things. Best wishes.

 

[offbalance]

Not being able to work out what the most logical conclusion is for me. I value logic and rationality and suicide seems very rational in this universe. But it is hard to measure absolutely objectively (whether or not life's worth it)

That and survival instinct probably. Which manifests as hope. The question that maybe I haven't done enough or helped myself enough or whatever. But even in happy times I always liked the idea of peaceful nothingness because this world/universe in general is chaotic, nonsensical and just bad.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I feel like it's overrated too.

living for others sounds tiresome. Personally, it might sound selfish but once you die, you won't be able to feel anymore, so there's nothing to care about anymore, it's an end to all things. Best wishes.

I need to rediscover that it's overrated.

 

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

probably consuming as much media as possible (anime and manga mostly) so I don't die unsatisfied by how much I missed before I passed.

another is that there's so many projects I wanna do that I never had the motivation to do. if people find it and it makes them happy that's a plus in my book, even if I'm not able to see it. honestly, if someone gave me a job opportunity because they loved my work and want me to succeed that's the only way I'd want to keep going. because there's something to actually live for that's long lasting.

lastly, since this final attempt is serious, I wanna take as much time to plan everything out, and have a good time to really REALLY think this thru before I CTB, as I feel no rush to do it now. tho I do feel empty every single day, it's nice to wake up to my cat :). August is my due date and that hasn't changed since cuz it's a perfect month in my eyes.

 

[Unattainable666]

My cat. She has recently been diagnosed with liver cancer so, when she goes Im right behind her.

 

[expiredfckmeat]

Hope. I hate it. It's like there's a conspiracy to keep me alive and miserable. (You know who you are, you're wrong about me (and have no right to treat human beings this way in any case) but you're right to be afraid to show yourselves because you're the only ones I would take with me to the other side.)

 

[Source Energy]

I need to rediscover that it's overrated.

To me, sex without love is overrated. Like food without condiments. It leaves me with a feeling of "meh" at best, or disgusted with the person and with myself at worst.
I don't want sex...I want to make love, that beautiful act of giving oneself.

 

[RaincloudSayori]

What is still keeping you alive today? We surely must all have at least one reason. I think most of the people's reasons are slowly fading away and even disappearing. Which is why they happen to be there.

I had 2 reasons, one of them is almost completely gone. I'm basically holding onto a thread.

The only thing I think keeping me alive is my parents because of how my passing would affect them. I can't bring myself to transfer the pain I feel myself to them because I love them too much. I know that is an overused reason and that it's been said a lot, but it's all I can really add to this. I'm also sorry if this pings you, I'm still trying to learn the site.

 

[Ambivalent1]

To me, sex without love is overrated. Like food without condiments. It leaves me with a feeling of "meh" at best, or disgusted with the person and with myself at worst.
I don't want sex...I want to make love, that beautiful act of giving oneself.

Im a guy so that feeling isn't required for a good time.

 

[DrPhilm&m]

Still need to make some amendments to my plan, and I'm scared of how my ctb will affect certain people.

 

[Mir88]

I guess there is still a minimal, minimal, microscopic hint of hope - that I can be loved, that I can be appreciated, that I can be someone people seek and reach out to.
Year after year, that hope is fading. I feel it going away month after month lately, faster than before... but there's still a bit. I don't think it will be here for long, but for now, so it is.
After that, maybe a train? I live near a railway. I would feel really sorry for the train conductor, but I guess when that splint of hope will go away, I will accept to make someone suffer with my action once again - hopefully for the last time.

 

[JJMaynard97]

For me, it's a hard one. I don't wanna have to put my family through the heartbreak. I'm scared and do sometimes think things can change. But if there was a very easy way out I'd be gone by now.

 

[Tobacco]

The main thing keeping me from crossing to the other side is that I care too much about how people around me will suffer. I wish people were more accepting and also that we had the right to die so that I would give myself the last 5 years of my existence and say goodbye.