Discussion What were your life goals/dreams/ambition before you became suicidal, did you achieve them nonetheless ? #43

[MeltingBrain]

I am in my 20s . My goal was/is to be a tech-nepreneur, start dating, move cities but my disease is 90% responsible why I can't achieve it . On a weekly basis my condition gets worse . Harder to walk, changes in looks and to top it I have difficulty breathing . When I see that my physical health has gotten worse, my mental health also goes for a toss . How is one supposed to achieve anything when your body itself is betraying you .
That was me , what about you . Were you lucky enough to check things off of your major life ambitions before your health condition got worse or are you in similar boat as me ?

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#43
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[Rhizomorph1]

Psychedelic therapist. I published a few research papers and got my degree. I'd have probably made a really good therapist too.

Chronic fatigue syndrome + fibromyalgia sucks. But, I've come to peace with dying now :)

As a side note, my illness was not random, it was trauma induced by emotional neglect from a parent and intimate partner abuse.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

i just wanted to be happy and make comics for a living.

impossible now. there was never any hope.

i guess even my goals were as stupid as me.

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

When I was a teenager, I had many goals:

• Study and complete college
• Learn a language
• Learn to draw
• Live in another country
• Work in something I enjoy and that pays a decent salary
• Become an expert at playing an instrument
• Be independent
• Have a peaceful mind

Sometimes I don't want to remember how much of a failure I am now. My ADHD has ruined my life, and this, combined with not having money to study, only makes my current goal to cease to exist.

 

[divinemistress36]

Psychedelic therapist. I published a few research papers and got my degree. I'd have probably made a really good therapist too.

Chronic fatigue syndrome + fibromyalgia sucks. But, I've come to peace with dying now :)

As a side note, my illness was not random, it was trauma induced by emotional neglect from a parent and intimate partner abuse.

Have psychadelics helped at all?

 

[offbalance]

I am in my 20s . My goal was/is to be a tech-nepreneur, start dating, move cities but my disease is 90% responsible why I can't achieve it . On a weekly basis my condition gets worse . Harder to walk, changes in looks and to top it I have difficulty breathing . When I see that my physical health has gotten worse, my mental health also goes for a toss . How is one supposed to achieve anything when your body itself is betraying you .
That was me , what about you . Were you lucky enough to check things off of your major life ambitions before your health condition got worse or are you in similar boat as me ?

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You can find previous polls here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/meltingbrain-all-polls.123887/
Part of : https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...st-at-least-1-poll-daily.123125/#post-2051973
DailyPoll
#43
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Make art and make great music and live happily. Depression has hampered all those things. Which is why I no longer see my death as tragic.

 

[Chronosphere]

I had an ambition for everyone to leave me alone and it worked. Success.

 

[trashprincess]

-Form an intimate emotion connection with someone.

-Reach a point where I feel comfortable in my body.

-Write stories and pursue other creative endeavors.

-Learn how to dance.

-Make a difference in the world.

-Have a nice camping trip.

-See my favorite band.

-See the end to all my favorite shows.

-Get as much as my health back as I could.

-Cuddles.


I wasn't able to accomplish any of these, and now at this point I don't dream of them like I used to. I wish this could have been a list of my favorite memories, but it's too late, and that's okay.

 

[Dymphna]

I wanted to learn how to speak multiple languages & how to play music, to develop an art and writing style I could finally be proud of. I wanted to get a PhD and do research in clean energy. I was once hopeful to try to make the world a better place. I've accomplished nothing.

 

[Green Destiny]

I know it sounds dumb but I wanted to try and be a professional sports athlete. But the sport I played took a serious toll on my body when I suffered multiple concussions which basically ended whatever chances I had at being a professional.

 

[Darkover]

i wanted to be an indie game developer, i made 10,000-pound online programming bots for a game back in 2014 but i got a brain injure in 2016

 

[Forever Sleep]

I always wanted to be able to have a creative career and while it's a struggle financially- I'm not fast enough and I don't have a good business head, I have achieved it. Also, I'll never be as good as I want to be, which is frustrating but, part of the course. It's one way we push ourselves I think.

Still, yes, through a combination of damn hard work, sacrificing or rather- not even bothering to pursue other things in life- all my focus went on that plus, a degree of luck of course- I have been blessed to be able to do it.

The problem of course in putting all your eggs in one basket is when that coping mechanism starts to fail. There's the constant threat/worry of not getting enough work and money. There's no pension or sick pay being freelance. This industry is rife with people who try to exploit you. If you actually do manage to make the big time- you could end up working 16 hour days. So- it's like- is it really what I even want now?!!

My enthusiam has been waning the past couple of years. Partly because I thought I was going to have to quit so, I guess I was trying to wean myself away for a while. Currently, I have lots of work. My dream kind of work at one time too. Big projects I can work on from home, yet the motivation is faultering.

I guess that just tells me though that CTB is likely the right decision for me. I eventually got what I wanted. It comes with a lot of sacrifices. The alternative seems worse though- a regular wage slave job I'd likely hate with enough money and time to enjoy it. That doesn't appeal either!

That has to tell you something for certain though- I would think. If you get what you wanted and it still isn't enough and you don't want to slave away just to settle for some mediocre to shit life, then it feels like the writing's on the wall.

I'm so sorry for your health conditions melting brain. Illness terrifies me. It just seems so cruel that so much can be taken away from us.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

My biggest life goal was generating enough money to be able to retire early - not later than with the age of 50. That failed bc that little bit of luck that is needed for everything in life suddenly was gone. I had that little bit of luck throughout out my life but it left me shortly before I reached the finish line. That was the point when when I said to myself it's time to consider CTB - the game is over.

However I reached several smaller life goals. I can say I lived my life in a way I wanted it to live and it was worth living. From some of the smaller goals I'm still profiting today. If that wasn't the case I'd not see any other way but to CTB immediately.

I voted "Mostly yes"; I just did not reach the big end goal. Actually I would see myself in between the 2nd and 3rd option to vote.

 

[MeltingBrain]

i wanted to be an indie game developer, i made 10,000-pound online programming bots for a game back in 2014 but i got a brain injure in 2016

So sad to hear . Is this like an open world adventure puzzle game ?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I wanted to be an animator of some kind but I'm just too lazy.

 

[MeltingBrain]

My biggest life goal was generating enough money to be able to retire early - not later than with the age of 50. That failed bc that little bit of luck that is needed for everything in life suddenly was gone. I had that little bit of luck throughout out my life but it left me shortly before I reached the finish line. That was the point when when I said to myself it's time to consider CTB - the game is over.

However I reached several smaller life goals. I can say I lived my life in a way I wanted it to live and it was worth living. From some of the smaller goals I'm still profiting today. If that wasn't the case I'd not see any other way but to CTB immediately.

I voted "Mostly yes"; I just did not reach the big end goal. Actually I would see myself in between the 2nd and 3rd option to vote.

Great to hear you at least ticked a lot of boxes even though you couldn't retire early .

I wanted to be an animator of some kind but I'm just too lazy.

You might want to check sora and dalle , AI is going to take away a lot of jobs.

 

[LunarLight]

I wanted to become a musician. I published a few albums and EPs when I was on drugs (oxycodone and heroin) because they used to help me a lot with executive dysfunction, I felt euphoric and able to do things, it was wonderful. But as the tolerance grew, I was no longer able to make music. Dyspraxia gets worse, I'm unable to play guitar now, and I just can't play the piano. I don't have a reason to live anymore. It's time to CTB.
Anyway I'm not successful, nobody cares about my music. It sucks.

I also wanted to get a PhD because I'm very smart. But depression, autism and ADHD got the better of me and I was unable to pursue studies. Fuck my life.

 

[tbroken]

I wanted to become and partially became a Computers engineer and Developer, but depression and some other problems caught me at least twice in life and i did not fulfil all my goals.
It is not easy at all to live with such things in mind, plus the place i come from is not the best for chasing dreams and stuff.
Now I'm 33, still figuring out if I can still enjoy life somehow.
PPL in my region are insane, assholes, hopeless and evil. I missed some chances and moved without a plan and now I'm stuck again in this shit.
But i draw the line between my starting point in life and the person i am now. I perfectly know what caused all my major problems, my father had to be just a little bit more careful when i was born and everything could be fine. Now I'm a freaking mess of a guy and it is not fair, not fair at all.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

You might want to check sora and dalle , AI is going to take away a lot of jobs.

Maybe in like ten years it'll be good enough but I'm not waiting that long.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

Have psychadelics helped at all?

Yes.

Just not enough.

I think if I was only facing up to depression or PTSD it could be a life changer. But, living now with chronic physical illnesses, psychedelics won't help me to be less fatigued (I have chronic fatigue syndrome) :(

 

[Darkover]

So sad to hear . Is this like an open world adventure puzzle game ?

it was going to be a mmo rpg bullet hell game

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I never had any life goals to begin with. I never wanted to participate in life or do anything in it ever since I was born

 

[untothedepths]

I wanted to work in healthcare. I am legitimately way too unintelligent for that and now my body is busted up. I wanted to make money taking commissions for artwork. I've drawn for years and still draw not good enough and ugly. Can't even draw due to what i suspect is anhedonia. I then just wanted to hang out with friends and make stories. I saw how that turned out.

I now fight wanting to destroy every bit of hope left. I push people away. I am scared of people coming back. I assure them they didn't do anything but I want to hurt. I sh more and more now, but do it where others can't see. A thought comes into my mind that I am not punishing myself enough because I don't see blood running. I have destroyed things I have made that have been failures before. And now I want to do it to myself.

 

[Alatus_Nemeseos]

My goal was to become a radiographer and then be a sonographer and move in with my girlfriend and be ready to move onto a new chapter in life.

My girlfriend dumped me years ago because I stopped taking my anti depressants and didn't tell her. That was her reason.

And I failed at university in radiography even though I nailed my first year and I got offered a job if I could graduate.

Now I'm 32 I lost my family home and live in hospital accomodation as an imaging assistant. The passion still there and there's a chance to go on a apprentiship so it's a never say never. Even my ex I'm in contact with, we write to each other like something out of a romance novel but despite she said deep down I'm her person and she can't imagine being with anyone else but me. She also doesn't want a boyfriend and just be friends/on an extended break while we sort ourselves out.

Problem I have is I just don't know how long can I hold out each day gets harder. I'm getting older. And the gloom that looms over grows darker and greater. I see the bus it's waiting for me to take it. Just a battle of whether I want to hold on making it partially there or just quiting now and ending it. Hopefully I can get the SN and plan my exit stage

 

[ihateearth]

I can't use my hands for work for long hours. Yesterday I had a bad spasm that made me scream and I'm not a punk. It hurts to write. I can't even open a jar. Hands matter. Music, art, and dance excited me. I'm a husk now. I have to hide this for work. No more dreams.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

Because of my social anxiety and autism I struggle to maintain a regular job. My goal was to make art and gradually switch to being full time artist.
I managed to get a part time job and made a lot of art. I was able to pay my bills while only working part time because I was living with my mother at the time. Unfortunately because she's a narcissist she became triggered by it and said that I have to work full time. Then I tried to rely on a romantic partner for a support and that backfired badly.
Nowadays I have even more issues than before. It's not just autism but also chronic fatigue and fibro. Which makes working even more challenging.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I had many goals:
- Work at my dream job
- Have a loving partner
- Have pets
- Live at a nice house with a garden

Achieved all of that, even moved country for my dream job - still miserable. Can't manage to feel happy with what I have accomplished, feel very lonely and isolated. I miss my childhood when I had a mom and was happy.

i wanted to be an indie game developer, i made 10,000-pound online programming bots for a game back in 2014 but i got a brain injure in 2016

I'm a professional videogame programmer and I teach programming outside of work too. If you'd ever like to have a chat let me know, I'm happy to help with whatever I can especially when someone has potential like you shown.

 

[actualfemcel]

I wanted to become a surgeon so I could make a stable income and finally escape poverty. I also wanted to marry and have my own biological children so I can have a little bit of impact on this world. Because I am born female, I was gatekept out of medical school. Because I am born female, nothing I do in life matters unless I bear a son. So no, I didn't accomplish any of my dreams. I regret wasting my life by putting all my focus into studies instead of bettering my looks so someone could save me.

 

[Helvete]

I published a few albums and EPs when I was on drugs

I would love to hear some if you posted it anywhere

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

I just wanted to live more or less predictable peaceful life without disturbances, I'd be OK to just work and do stuff which matches my special interests, gradually progressing in my career