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Memento Mori

Memento Mori

shambling garbage
Jan 24, 2019
573
that life was too easy for me to stand my man and just be a lazy ass instead :ahhha:
 
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CornerE

CornerE

Needs a savior
Mar 12, 2019
103
Born in that world , people have made the world so unfair .
I'm never safe and - even in so called civilized societies - you have to be a savage monster .

The state , law systems and all kinds of authorities in that fucked up world are only supporting the nasty bullies (political ,social, domestic or work place bullies ) over justice .

It's only because power is severely pursued by abusers/bullies to control the system in a way that would allow them to get away with anything .

That's why they always stand by the side of the bad guys ( their inmates , they could relate ) they never try to go after them , the world wouldn't be their perfect safe zone that way .


They come up with very lame excuses not to punish bullies (which is their job ) nor protect their victims .

They create a very friendly and safe environment for their fellow criminals/frauds/abusers to thrive in .

All you can get - in best casas - is some ink on useless piece of paper listing your rights or some court order ( if the low is good enough ) that would never get executed .

If the law happened to be fair enough , that's ok ... the low enforcement authorities find any way to excuse themselves of doing their only job .

You're not allowed to get even yourself too - god forbid - onxe you're a victim , you should always suck it up .

That's my big problem with that world .
I'm not safe , that's why I can never function properly - no one can if not safe - not even animals .

The only way I can think of to live in such world , is to grow some kinda superstitious super power , which can never happen anyway .. so , bffffff .
 
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Bojangles

Bojangles

Member
Apr 11, 2019
5
An ex-boyfriend followed me home, restrained me, took my purse and keys from me so I couldn't get in my home or call for help, then called the police on me and had me arrested for assault. The officers wouldn't even listen to my side of the story. The charges were ultimately dropped, but the arrest report still comes up if someone searches my name with Yahoo or Bing (luckily Google seems to have forgotten it). Right now I'm trying to work up the motivation to get the record expunged so I can request that those search engines remove the result.

My mother physically abused an elderly woman with Alzheimer's who she was paid to care for. The woman lived with us in our home for about a year, and this was ongoing throughout that time. Abuse included hitting her in the breasts, pulling hair, biting her nose, shaking her, throwing her in tubs of ice cold water, feeding her disgusting food, and general verbal abuse. All things that either didn't leave a physical mark or if they did, the injuries could be explained away as self-damage due to her illness. My mom told me it wasn't a big deal because the woman wouldn't remember what had happened anyway, but I will always remember. I begged her to stop every day, and I was terrified the woman would die, if not from physical trauma, then from a heart attack. My mom would become defensive, say she was stressed, and blame me for her having to take on such an awful job in the first place, claiming she only needed the job to take care of me, because my father wouldn't pay more child support. I was 11-12 at the time.

I hate myself for not telling the woman's son what was happening. He would visit us every week and we would sit across from him and tell him what great care we were taking of his mother. My mom was never punished for what she did, and when I tried telling my family they just brushed it aside. Now they act baffled as to why I don't want to have anything to do with my mother. They have never outright said they don't believe me, but I guess they don't think it's a big deal. In their eyes I'm the bad person for abandoning my mother, "after all she's done" for me.


I had four grand mal seizures in a 1.5 year period, two of which resulted in major head trauma. I wasn't exactly a shining example of mental health before that, but now I have additional problems with motivation, attention, and social interaction, as well as worsened depression and anxiety. I was never able to graduate college, and now I have $50k in student loans for a degree I never received. I know there might be a way for me to get the loans forgiven if I'm able to convince a doctor that I'm disabled, but it's very difficult for me to work up the motivation to even leave my home, and I'm terrified to even speak with people on the phone. I haven't seen a doctor in years despite ongoing issues. Even if I get the loans forgiven, I'd need to pay an income tax on the forgiven amount, which I wouldn't be able to afford.

My therapist of 3 years cut contact with me without explanation after I attempted suicide (which I did shortly after developing soul-crushing depression as a result of the head trauma described above). This really hurt me, and it made me feel like I was beyond fixing, that there was some evil or sickness in me that couldn't be helped. I still can't understand how she could take my money for years and then abandon me when I needed her the most, without even telling me why.

Sorry for the long post. I know this thread wasn't asking for an autobiography but I felt the need to get this out. At this point I feel like I've been cursed in life, and it's difficult not to blame myself for a lot of this horrible shit. I don't even know how I'd even begin digging myself out of the hole I've ended up in.
 
brighter

brighter

Warlock
Jan 22, 2019
718
Sorry for the long post. I know this thread wasn't asking for an autobiography but I felt the need to get this out. At this point I feel like I've been cursed in life, and it's difficult not to blame myself for a lot of this horrible shit. I don't even know how I'd even begin digging myself out of the hole I've ended up in.

There is absolutely no reason to apologise, you're suffering because life has treated you like shit, and you probably came here to find comfort in the company of understanding people. If you can't vent and tell your story here, if you can't admit that you're so sad you want to die here, then where can you? ❤❤


I understand where you're coming from, shame and self-blame can be very strong, but I don't see how this is your fault, unless you believe in some sort of cosmic punishment system. Even in that case, there's not much at all that I can think of which would warrant your ex-boyfriend plotting on you like that, or for your therapist to walk out on you.
As for what your mother did, I have never believed in blaming or even judging a child for their parents' sins. And you are still your mother's child. At the end of the day, she is the older, more mature person, and should not have abused the lady. It may have been better if you had spoke up about it to the son, but it shouldn't have happened in the first place. At least offload yourself of that. The fact that you gathered the strength to tell your family about what happened was a big feat in itself. Their rejection of this is not your fault.



I had four grand mal seizures in a 1.5 year period, two of which resulted in major head trauma. I wasn't exactly a shining example of mental health before that, but now I have additional problems with motivation, attention, and social interaction, as well as worsened depression and anxiety. I was never able to graduate college, and now I have $50k in student loans for a degree I never received. I know there might be a way for me to get the loans forgiven if I'm able to convince a doctor that I'm disabled, but it's very difficult for me to work up the motivation to even leave my home, and I'm terrified to even speak with people on the phone. I haven't seen a doctor in years despite ongoing issues. Even if I get the loans forgiven, I'd need to pay an income tax on the forgiven amount, which I wouldn't be able to afford.

I'm sorry to hear that you will be buried under debt, it is a pit that not many make their way out of, and I wish I had advice to give you, but I don't :(
Are you still at a risk of seizures now? The fact that you're not seeing a doctor is worrying me a bit, my love. I'm guessing you live in a country where healthcare is not free.

Please try to stay strong, free yourself of the shame, and learn to love yourself. :-) ❤
 
B

Broken

Paragon
Dec 7, 2018
930
Being made to believe I was going somewhere in life just to be dropped and left alone. Partly my fault but I don't think I deserved to be abandoned. I've had a life time of people telling me I'm not good enough and I only got in this last situation because it seemed different. Everything I gained and how I grew is now gone and I'm a shell of the person I was.
 
W

Worthless_nobody

Enlightened
Feb 14, 2019
1,384
Severe mental/physical abuse and rape from my ex who also stole thousands of $$ from me and he got away with all of it because this fucked up society seems to protect the abusers (he was in a position of "power" and appeared to be a respectable person) and not the victims. Also shitty health problems. Being lied to and trusting my last bf again.
 
JayZT

JayZT

Member
Jul 12, 2018
96
Bad town, I've always maintained on the subject of my mental health that if I escaped my town I'd (although not be great) be much better off. Unfortunately I've got another 1 1/2 years until I even get an opportunity to leave but more likely 3-4 years and I just can't stand it here for that long. Especially when leaving will only be a temporary fix.
 
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TAW122

TAW122

Emissary of the right to die.
Aug 30, 2018
6,612
Being born with Aspergers and being cursed with social anxiety, general anxiety, and of course being an Asian male in the west. While it is not all bad in other aspects of life, my social life and romance/sex life is basically fucked given my parameters and circumstances.
 
L

lost_soul83

Wizard
Jan 7, 2019
638
To date, I would have to say my brother being taken from me 6 months ago (he was 33 years old) and my addiction to painkillers that simply stemmed from a desperate attempt to end my terribly debilitating pain. I did see a "pain management physician" for this treatment but I became addicted before I even knew what was happening. Now I'll be an addict for life and have to wrestle with it every minute of every day for the rest of my life, however long that may end up being.
 
Kyrok

Kyrok

Paragon
Nov 6, 2018
970
Unfairest? I have trouble applying the term. I could list a lot of shitty, a lot of disappointing, a lot of demoralizing things in my life, but what makes something unfair? Does this imply we deserve something?
 
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lululoo

lululoo

Mage
Dec 15, 2018
558
Unfairest? I have trouble applying the term. I could list a lot of shitty, a lot of disappointing, a lot of demoralizing things in my life, but what makes something unfair? Does this imply we deserve something?
I thought it was understood that when people say this they mean shitty thing that happened to you that wasn't your fault. It's very human for such things to feel "unfair."
 
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Kyrok

Kyrok

Paragon
Nov 6, 2018
970
I thought it was understood that when people say this they mean shitty thing that happened to you that wasn't your fault. It's very human for such things to feel "unfair."
I understand. But I think we make our lives worse when we measure things by "fair" ... unless one has a right which has been violated, there's no fair.
 
D

Donewith_

Elementalist
Sep 28, 2018
876
An ex-boyfriend followed me home, restrained me, took my purse and keys from me so I couldn't get in my home or call for help, then called the police on me and had me arrested for assault. The officers wouldn't even listen to my side of the story. The charges were ultimately dropped, but the arrest report still comes up if someone searches my name with Yahoo or Bing (luckily Google seems to have forgotten it). Right now I'm trying to work up the motivation to get the record expunged so I can request that those search engines remove the result.

My mother physically abused an elderly woman with Alzheimer's who she was paid to care for. The woman lived with us in our home for about a year, and this was ongoing throughout that time. Abuse included hitting her in the breasts, pulling hair, biting her nose, shaking her, throwing her in tubs of ice cold water, feeding her disgusting food, and general verbal abuse. All things that either didn't leave a physical mark or if they did, the injuries could be explained away as self-damage due to her illness. My mom told me it wasn't a big deal because the woman wouldn't remember what had happened anyway, but I will always remember. I begged her to stop every day, and I was terrified the woman would die, if not from physical trauma, then from a heart attack. My mom would become defensive, say she was stressed, and blame me for her having to take on such an awful job in the first place, claiming she only needed the job to take care of me, because my father wouldn't pay more child support. I was 11-12 at the time.

I hate myself for not telling the woman's son what was happening. He would visit us every week and we would sit across from him and tell him what great care we were taking of his mother. My mom was never punished for what she did, and when I tried telling my family they just brushed it aside. Now they act baffled as to why I don't want to have anything to do with my mother. They have never outright said they don't believe me, but I guess they don't think it's a big deal. In their eyes I'm the bad person for abandoning my mother, "after all she's done" for me.


I had four grand mal seizures in a 1.5 year period, two of which resulted in major head trauma. I wasn't exactly a shining example of mental health before that, but now I have additional problems with motivation, attention, and social interaction, as well as worsened depression and anxiety. I was never able to graduate college, and now I have $50k in student loans for a degree I never received. I know there might be a way for me to get the loans forgiven if I'm able to convince a doctor that I'm disabled, but it's very difficult for me to work up the motivation to even leave my home, and I'm terrified to even speak with people on the phone. I haven't seen a doctor in years despite ongoing issues. Even if I get the loans forgiven, I'd need to pay an income tax on the forgiven amount, which I wouldn't be able to afford.

My therapist of 3 years cut contact with me without explanation after I attempted suicide (which I did shortly after developing soul-crushing depression as a result of the head trauma described above). This really hurt me, and it made me feel like I was beyond fixing, that there was some evil or sickness in me that couldn't be helped. I still can't understand how she could take my money for years and then abandon me when I needed her the most, without even telling me why.

Sorry for the long post. I know this thread wasn't asking for an autobiography but I felt the need to get this out. At this point I feel like I've been cursed in life, and it's difficult not to blame myself for a lot of this horrible shit. I don't even know how I'd even begin digging myself out of the hole I've ended up in.
I can't say what you have been doing to your mother is good or bad. I am in a similar situation, my father is narcissistic, I have seen how he treats people for a long time.. and his family members. He loves me because I am his daughter. As a daughter, I with try to fufill my duties.. to the extent that I can. But, I don't think I can love him heartfully for some reason.I know how this appears.. but it is what it is.. the truth inside me.


Lot many things went wrong in my life..can't Specify one. Some were external and some self-inflicted.
 
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Escaper Boy

Escaper Boy

累坏了...
Apr 11, 2019
245
I was being robbed at knife point around 5 years ago. It was ironic because I had already contemplated suicide before that day. Instead of taunting the thief to stab me death, my survival instinct kicked in. I lost my phone, all hard earned money in my wallet, expensive glasses in my small bag, and worst of all, my important id card plus driver's licence.

It was traumatic. I couldn't go to work the next day (I just skipped work without notice). It took me weeks to re-made my id, driver's licence, old phone number. It was long process, ton of works here and there. I didn't buy new glasses (expensive ;-;). I stopped wearing one until now even though my vision is horrible.

I didn't even bother to report this to the police. Police are useless (not to mention corrupted). That's pretty much an axiom here in my country. Needless to say, this event destroyed my faith in humanity.
 
Kyrok

Kyrok

Paragon
Nov 6, 2018
970
I was being robbed at knife point around 5 years ago. It was ironic because I had already contemplated suicide before that day. Instead of taunting the thief to stab me death, my survival instinct kicked in. I lost my phone, all hard earned money in my wallet, expensive glasses in my small bag, and worst of all, my important id card plus driver's licence.

It was traumatic. I couldn't go to work the next day (I just skipped work without notice). It took me weeks to re-made my id, driver's licence, old phone number. It was long process, ton of works here and there. I didn't buy new glasses (expensive ;-;). I stopped wearing one until now even though my vision is horrible.

I didn't even bother to report this to the police. Police are useless (not to mention corrupted). That's pretty much an axiom here in my country. Needless to say, this event destroyed my faith in humanity.
I was robbed as a teenager by a street thug. Made me sad that the guy was so desperate, so down on his luck he'd rob me vs someone like a business man. I actually tracked him down over the subsequent days to ask why he did it. Was threatened with violence so I left.
 
H

hunter_lewis

Specialist
Sep 17, 2018
335
Being born with Aspergers and being cursed with social anxiety, general anxiety, and of course being an Asian male in the west. While it is not all bad in other aspects of life, my social life and romance/sex life is basically fucked given my parameters and circumstances.

Sorry for being ignorant, is it really that bad to be Asian in the West? I thought Asians don't face a lot of the stigma that blacks and other minorities face.
My personal unfairest thing was being born with anxiety, being very sensitive, having multiple chronic pain conditions and now losing the ability to walk.
I don't want to end up in a wheelchair.
 
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Mr2005

Mr2005

Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
Sep 25, 2018
3,622
Not getting the surgeons numbers in 2004, not getting the surgeons numbers in 2004, not getting the surgeons numbers in 2004. It's all I ever think about. Occasionally it switches to 2005 and then back again. There's simply no reason in the world good enough. The only unfortunate thing is no one else did it for me but why should they? Here I am fifteen years later for something that should have taken a day and naturally I could kill myself because of it
 
marcusuk63

marcusuk63

CTB
Mar 24, 2019
1,735
At 2 years old my twin and I had bronchial pneumonia .me being the runt was in a worse state but he died and i didnt , obviously my life would have been completely different had he lived or if i had died instead i`m sure he would have made a better job of this game we call life .... footnote i have very close to my 2 year older brother all our life and on the anniversary of my twins death a month ago i found my brother dead , apart from lose my brother and friend CTB is even harder now too as the funeral everyone was hugging me , mum ,dad sister , brothers and ones i haven't seen for years even my brothers 1st ex wife who i haven't seen for 20 years , all knowing how close i was to my brother and me finding him dead all telling me they loved me and are always there from me ..
 
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