Venting What was the nail in the coffin for you? What cemented your certainty in wanting to die?

[Life'sA6itch]

Your situation sounds similar to mine in a lot of ways. My mom also never hugged or said she loved me. She hates me because I remind her of my dad. Nobody could be bothered to come to my college graduation. I remember going to prom and just getting dressed and leaving. Most families take pictures and make a big deal out of it. I was severely abused by both parents. This shit just sticks with you and eats at you. It's infected every relationship, jobs. I'm 51 and I would've thought I'd get over it by now but I'm worse now than ever. With the horrendous treatment I received, aside maybe with some serious intervention, ever stood much of a chance. All I know is that I just want out of this life.

Oh, pictures are quite telling. Most families do take pictures and make a general fuss about prom. Honestly, all photos of me stopped by the time I was 5 or 6. Any other photos were only those you were forced to take at school each year but my parents never bought them for me but they did for each of my sisters as they went through school. It hurts just saying the truth. I feel the same as you. All I know is that I want out. Problem is how and I would prefer that no one get any notice, I want to be cremated, no obit, funeral, memorial, nothing for them to parade about as if they cared. You are 100% accurate, this shit does not go away no matter what you do, how you attempt to cope with it or your age. I hope we all can find peace

I am also tired of the people saying that things get better.

My latest burnout is the reason why I lost all hope. I had at least 3 burnouts in the past, but the current one is the absolute worst. It was a job that gave me purpose and I felt proud being part of the project. But it turned out that I was not made for it. At first, I blamed the harsh profit-focused working conditions, but seeing that other colleagues were fine doing the job I realized that it had to be me. I got so overwhelmed, it destroyed my problem solving ability (even in my personal life) and it gave me headaches, dizziness, tiredness... Out of shame I quit my job because I couldn't function anymore.
This experience made me realize that it's not worth to start all over again, because I know I will just fail again. My only option is working in uncomfortable jobs that may not overwhelm me but instead just give me the pointless hamster wheel experience.

Right now I am still living off my savings and will try to find meds/therapy that makes me numb, because.... Even though I think about CTB every day and also have ideas and plans for methods, I am still not ready yet to put that one person through misery when I am gone. But if he gives up on me and there is no way to avoid homelessness... Then I am gone

*Edit: typo

Sometimes I want to just smack the unaware people who love to chirp that toxic positivity. "Things will only get better/positive vibes only/God only gives you what you can handle/etc." And as you touched on, it costs so much to simply exist, I'm surprised more people are not voicing the same thing about CTB due to the rising costs to simply exist especially if you're single.

 

[Ash’Girl]

Childhood trauma didn't give me the best start in life and my brain therefore developed what I refer to as my wonky wiring. As a quiet borderline, I tended to attack myself instead of others but… lots of early ctb attempts and self harm. Need to be loved but having a warped idea of what love was (ie, abuse with intermittent positive reinforcement) meant my relationships as an adult were also largely abusive and stacked more trauma.

Finally found a healthy (albeit still codependent) non-abusive and safe love and experienced happiness. Thought - hey, this is why I survived all this, the work I put in to cope with my trauma, to break my patterns, the misery endured - maybe it was worth it, because finally I knew true and consistent happiness.

He died.

BPD means for me my emotions are either super charged in hyperdrive - or I get overloaded, feel nothing and disassociate. Grief of this loss for my borderline brain absolutely broke me.

I don't even want to find happiness ever again because the pain of the loss of that magnitude - I can't do it. So I shut down and distanced myself from everyone and everything. I am now largely disassociative. Everything seems pointless, I am mostly on autopilot. I may hold out until my mother passes then with no human emotional tether left, be gone.

"I'm tired, boss."

 

[NaNO2_is_the_answer]

When I turned 30 as a virgin due me being ugly & mentally ill

 

[TAW122]

It was after learning about the futility of life, suffering, the injustices, and looking at life itself as the problem rather than myself. I'm also a big proponent for having the right to choose when and whenever one wishes to leave one's sentience/life on one's own terms. Various life events (usually the bad ones) only further cement my determination and decision on wanting to die (on my own terms) rather than allowing nature or other causes to eventually take me. I've also coped throughout most of my life and outside of coping, there is nothing but suffering and even in the best days, they are usually mundane.

 

[MrOptions]

Man where to start? Well I'm over 5 decades in this physical existence. Married and divorced twice. Getting cancer treatments monthly. Cancer diagnosis 2.5 years ago. Lost my job a year ago. No job, luckily I'm on SSDI. But that doesn't pay shit to live on. Savings dwindling, credit is in the toilet. No real friends or family left. Mother died in September. Dumb ass drug and alcoholic girlfriend stole money from me in the thousands. Apparently gave it to homeless worthless brother. Stupid me forgave and allowed her to stay in my place. Co dependence is my Achilles heal. Cops charged her and she plead guilty to theft, but only got a year of probation.
So there you go, the short version of my shitty existence. Oh yeah I've had 4 surgeries over 2 years for cancer spreading. 38 lymph nodes removed in neck, and 3 right eye resection.
Yeah I do have the means to end my life with a firearm. But, I have a 12 year old daughter that doesn't think I'm a total piece of shit. As long as her mother keeps getting that child support.

So it's only a matter of time till I end it for good. Financially I have a few years of savings till I'm living on the street. The depression and anxiety is slowly killing me daily though. I started drinking and I hate it.

Thanks to all that read through this novel of shit that is my life.