What situation are you in that makes you want to ctb?

[randomguy]

I have stomach issues also can barely eat or get out of the house

I think my problem is psychosomatic since I have H. Pylori in my stomach and no matter how many antibiotics I take, the infection doesn't vanish... I'm queasy forever. Plus, everything ( food or events) that get out of my rut just make me vomit my own guts. Today I basically lived on juice.

 

[shadow11]

I think my problem is psychosomatic since I have H. Pylori in my stomach and no matter how many antibiotics I take, the infection doesn't vanish... I'm queasy forever. Plus, everything ( food or events) that get out of my rut just make me vomit my own guts. Today I basically lived on juice.

Mine started with gallbladder problems which I had removed but didn't help. Unfortunately I have to eat to take my medication

 

[Lowri]

Unreasonably bad health with no prospect of improvement

 

[shadow11]

Unreasonably bad health with no prospect of improvement

Yes

 

[Comatose11]

It's the only option. The things I want to escape are going to stick around all my life and some of them will only get worse.

Edit: Also I'm not going to go into much detail but there is a physical illness I suspect I have and some other professionals have suspected I have it. I aged out of seeing one of them and the second one quit. The last one I saw thinks because I'm young and a healthy weight I can't have any medical issues. It's not worth fighting for. This illness doesn't have any tests and there isn't much you can do about it. So all I can do is suffer in silence.

 

[Final Escape]

Insecure, lonely, no friends, it's like I'm too disconnected from society and feel like it would not be noticeable if I disappeared. Other than like the light shopping I do, gas I buy, bank transactions, paying rent, it would not make a huge difference. I contribute so little that I might as well be gone lol!

 

[Deleted_9cKnXB34QG]

I have too many mental problems to function in this world, anxiety and SPD being the worst of them. I feel like I don't belong here.
And I hate my body, I feel like my mind is trapped in it and it really wants to get out. This isn't me - this bag of flesh, it's a weird feeling I've had since childhood.

 

[shadow11]

I have too many mental problems to function in this world, anxiety and SPD being the worst of them. I feel like I don't belong here.
And I hate my body, I feel like my mind is trapped in it and it really wants to get out. This isn't me - this bag of flesh, it's a weird feeling I've had since childhood.

I kind of have that feeling too like I'm trapped and cant get out

 

[CRM]

I have Asperger's and cannot do anything. The smallest tasks are insurmountable for me. When I was younger, my dad tried to get me to mow the lawn and I genuinely could not do it no matter how many times he tried to explain it to me. I dropped out of high school (was in danger of failing anyway, due to truancy caused by depression) and have never been hired for a job. I don't even really want one, but I don't think that I could even get one or if I could, I couldn't maintain the work ethic needed to keep it.

I dislike being around people but am still encouraged by my ingrained psychology to form social bonds and procreate. This same psychology forces me to keep living in spite of how utterly incapable it is at doing so.

Maybe it's just pessimism stemming from depression, but I also see the world going in a slow, downward spiral (not that it was ever any good to begin with). I don't understand how futurologists have so much hope that all of this shit will be solved.

The fear of an afterlife and the simple survival instinct are the only things keeping me here. I hate that my parents indoctrinated me until I was an adult. I seriously doubt I'd have a fear of the afterlife if they didn't drag me to church every Sunday. It'd be nice if religion was more about hope than it is about punishment of people they don't like. Hopefully if there is a Heaven, the universal salvation-ers are right. Nobody who has ever or will ever exist deserves eternal punishment. Finite crimes should lead to finite punishment, if not forgiveness.

I could probably go on with my mindless ranting, but I think I've typed enough that anyone reading gets the gist. Life just sucks for me. Good for anyone who likes it.

 

[InsidiousDormouse]

Really bad health due to being forced to cold turkey from a really high dose benzo habit. It's been two years next month that I've lived in a decaying body. I am trapped by anxiety so bad now that I worry about worrying. On the outside I am a stubborn, stoic person who refuses to let others see my internal suffering, on the inside, I am quickly rotting away to nothing. I feel like I am trapped inside a corpse, suspended in limbo somewhere between life and death.

The physical symptoms are unbearable, the constant feeling that my body is vibrating at a high frequency all the time is so bad I cannot sit up a lot of the time now, I have to lay down to relieve it in my groin area. It's there all the time no matter what, I have not had a day without it since the day I stopped taking the Benzos. I wish I could inflict it onto the doctor in charge of this mess back then, she wouldn't be able to do her job or anything.

I would stay in bed all the time if I could, if I did not have to get up and argue with my husband 24/7. That's all we do now, argue over how he cannot let the past go.

About three months ago I started bleeding in between my periods in the middle of every cycle, sounds like TMI, but it's just another draining complication of the forced cold turkey withdrawal. I am sure it's effected me even more, something is wrong with my hormones and it's effected my moods too. No doctor wants to know because if I tell them, they just blame it on drug use and dismiss me. They're not bothered.

That's also probably why I am so tired, having two periods a month doesn't help anyway.

I am being forced into another reduction on my subutex script too, I have severe pain issues and I am being expected to reduce a painkiller.

It's only 0.4mg I keep being told, but last time I dropped that tiny amount, I felt so low I could not even post on here. This time it will be removed from my script so I have no choice but to do it.

All this on top of my husband probably having to go back to work soon, and when he does, the situation at home will deteriorate even more because he's 'not with me all the time' and won't know what I order in the post or do in my spare time.

On the up side, if he does go back to work, that's a lot of free time I can use to CTB and finally be free of all this, I am waiting on my moment, and trying to access a method which is as pain free as possible. Ideally I would love to just go to sleep and never wake up.

 

[Nzbeelover]

Now my reason is just plain old depression
ND I can't make it in this life
My day is closed then I thought
Just need to buy a rope. Next week I will purchase one

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I think my problem is psychosomatic since I have H. Pylori in my stomach and no matter how many antibiotics I take, the infection doesn't vanish... I'm queasy forever. Plus, everything ( food or events) that get out of my rut just make me vomit my own guts. Today I basically lived on juice.

Hey not to sound like an ignorant goody two-shoes (I probably am) but I think I read a medical study somewhere that said high doses of vitamin C, just like oral absorbic acid even, can help at least lessen the severity of h pylori? For what it's worth when I started taking a few grams of vitamin C a day last year I haven't a cold or flu though I am still depressed and my diet is crappy. But yeah I just thought I'd mention if it you wanted to check it out for yourself, sorry if I am misinformed, and sympathies for your pain.

 

[uxorious]

Terminal illness , PTSD , anxiety , being a failure , being alone , being a horrible person , benzo withdrawal,……….I could go on

 

[Volatile]

Terminal illness , PTSD , anxiety , being a failure , being alone , being a horrible person , benzo withdrawal,……….I could go on

What's your terminal illness? Cancer?

 

[uxorious]

What's your terminal illness? Cancer?

Erm , it's a bit too depressing to talk about :-/ Either way I think I deserve it and it's a welcome push for me to do what I need to do

 

[Paulsmith]

Failures in life, more ups than down.

 

[Volatile]

Erm , it's a bit too depressing to talk about :-/ Either way I think I deserve it and it's a welcome push for me to do what I need to do

Doesn't that help with the guilt? If a person ctb while having a terminal illness then it's seen as more understandable.

 

[uxorious]

Doesn't that help with the guilt? If a person ctb while having a terminal illness then it's seen as more understandable.

Honestly yes. It's like they will have something else to point a finger to , so that helps a bit

 

[Jane Doe]

Husband killed himself in January. Life is pointless

 

[shadow11]

That clearly sucks and is quite obviously a complex process. What about changing the detox provider ?
I am not trying to stop you from whatever you wanna do ( and I never had a serious addiction, so I shouldn't even open my gob here ), but to top yourself off because the detox people are morons and don't do their jobs properly doesn't seem right...

It's not right but that's how they treat you

 

[wezel]

Husband killed himself in January. Life is pointless

Very sorry to hear this.

 

[Jane Doe]

Very sorry to hear this.

Thanks @wezel

 

[throwaway123]

I'm alive and that's the problem. This is the reason I want to CTB. Life is just not worth it. Even if it was a happy life. I can't unsee what I've seen. Life is shit. That's the brutal truth. A lot of people tend to consciously ignore that.

 

[Volatile]

I'm alive and that's the problem. This is the reason I want to CTB. Life is just not worth it. Even if it was a happy life. I can't unsee what I've seen. Life is shit. That's the brutal truth. A lot of people tend to consciously ignore that.

What have you seen?

 

[IDontWantToBreathe]

Truly the reason death seems so fascinating and satisfying is because we were all given a pain so unbearable and so unique that nobody in our daily lives could possibly understand.

Feeling misunderstood and rejected for believing death is salvation will only push us further toward our end goal. I'm tired of people telling me to think positively or to just "get over it".

Mental illness is something that will not be cured in our lifetime. I went to a specialized mental health clinic and they told me the wait was 1 year minimum for a program. I started crying uncontrollably and started cutting myself severely just to feel anything.

Every day is a week. Every week a month. I feel like more and more parts of me die as the days pass and once I'm truly numb and have nothing left I'll cease to breathe. Fuck this world. It's relentless and unforgiving. So why should we be forced to live in it?

 

[throwaway123]

What have you seen?

I've seen the horrors of life.

 

[randomguy]

Hey not to sound like an ignorant goody two-shoes (I probably am) but I think I read a medical study somewhere that said high doses of vitamin C, just like oral absorbic acid even, can help at least lessen the severity of h pylori? For what it's worth when I started taking a few grams of vitamin C a day last year I haven't a cold or flu though I am still depressed and my diet is crappy. But yeah I just thought I'd mention if it you wanted to check it out for yourself, sorry if I am misinformed, and sympathies for your pain.

Never tried it, well... I have nothing to lose. I'll take it. Thank you, you're kind.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I like to be of help <3