being dumb enough to believe that the ones who broke and abused me changed, and convincing myself i was to blame for not being to rationalize their wicked form of help, which turned from straight insults, gaslighting and straight lying and framing me in mistreating them (mostly when rarelly desperately begging for help, or just silently in physical pain looking for the least bit of compassion(proving it was me in the wrong, always have been, but sadly..no.) to a "passive" agressive form of virtue signaling to my tormented face and acting like they are the good people who clearly suffer more(and i should be ashamed) because they have all the empathy in the world which they long ago(when i was in adolescense, ridden with physical illness and ptsd) grew tiered of displaying even a little, because that would require admission of responsibility and guilt. this illusion for them is perptuated by keeping together and blaming all the problems on the victims of their actions and world. they took everything from me(i gave them) and they included all the hierarchal institutions playing their own sick games to ensure i never would be able to "come after" their illusions again and wont receive help from anyone. so they with the help of eachother, can keep up the bullying while holding their heads high, prancing around as the "good/better people".
the worst part about being more intelligent and sincerelly loving your abusers? they know this, and can bounce back and forth (depending on which will hurt you more) treating you as "the nutjob", who's in the wrong irregardless and the "aint nothing wrong with you, you speak coherently and all your troubles are your own fault".
i know this edgy blogpost may draw lots of presumptions and assumptions about our life, but i beg you to not treat lives as predictable clichés made of at most 10 factors, even tho i made it sound even worse, seen this family do on every occasion and which i may or may not be hypocritically doing currently.