For me its my survival instinct telling me "Your making a mistake in your thinking". I think this feeling will never go away and will be there when i ctb. But when my time is ready im certain without a doubt i will overcome this thought and accept my faith in a peaceful state. The sad reality is things will not get better for me, the only sense of "better" i get is when things get worse and i reflect on my previous state.
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My kids and my mom... I know it will harm them the most. They will never understand the pain and the misery I feel every day. I can't even bring myself to self harm because it's all numb to me and it doesn't help. I use to at least have that. My husband says I am a waste of his time and I'm wasting his life. I feel that way on my own and I know that I am doing more damage to my kids by staying. I guess I'm just torn because I don't want others to feel like me.
Your husband sounds like a harmful and not helpful person. I'm sorry for your pain and know that it is a real burden to live that way. You are right about the hurt it would do to your children. My brother committed suicide when my nephew was 5 and it still effects him now as a young man. I hope things get better for you.
My parents and aunts will be very upset. I will ruin my parents lives forever but I can't stand being in this body anymore.
ikadasui
Arcanist
- May 29, 2018
- 464
No idea at all. There is no quality in my life it's just different forms of pain and shame from the moment I wake up till I'm haunted by nightmares
LONE WOLF.
PUNISHER.
- Nov 4, 2020
- 1,990
Getting laid is like a last hope before l end my life, Yes l'm ready to go, l have no purpose to live for and want to be with my 2 passed on Dogs over the bridge
roaming_soul
Member
- Dec 29, 2021
- 49
Shu
As above, So Below.
- Jan 21, 2022
- 2,487
No.
I would though if I could.
Ohhhh I see why you asked me that. I mentioned the tent. Nah. I'm going to use SN. I live with family though and don't want to kill myself in their home.
Needing to clean things up so that if the next attempt fails it will limit the damage. My next attempt will be very serious with an estimated 50-80% chance of working, in my opinion, but it's really a guess.
LivideLamb
I'm so decaying, feeling like an ashtray
- Jan 5, 2020
- 368
locked*n*loaded
Archangel
- Apr 15, 2022
- 9,028
I've still got matters, estate related, I have to wrap up, which should be coming to an end shortly. Then I have to take care of some things on my end. Then I can devote some real time and effort to the hows and wheres, and all that stuff. I think the whys have been clear to me for quite some time. I gave up thinking things could get better quite some time ago.
its-about-time
nope
- Mar 19, 2022
- 807
Idk. I've had my SN + pre meds for maybe 2 weeks now. But I feel so good every day just knowing I have a solid way out. I'm enjoying life again knowing it will be over before too long. I'll continue to live as long as this effect continues. Guilt for hurting loved ones, guilt for abandoning my pets, and good ol SI are my main obstacles when I feel motivated to ctb.
That makes sense. There is some sense of peace that comes from knowing you have a way out. I hope you are able to continue to enjoy life.
its-about-time
nope
- Mar 19, 2022
- 807
It was an unexpected effect but it's really quite wonderful. I've been having a lot of silly fun. I am restarting EMDR for trauma therapy next week and historically it puts me in the lowest of lows quite quickly. I expect that to wind up setting off a decision to pull the plug. I could be wrong though, time will tell. Thank you :)
At the moment it is:
1) Fear of failure when trying ctb.
2) Fear of the afterlife/hell.
1) Fear of failure when trying ctb.
2) Fear of the afterlife/hell.
Message In A Bottle
I don’t need light. Please give me water
- Apr 1, 2022
- 384
I need to open a stupid account, I was supposed to go today but couldn't bring myself to get out of bed in enough time.
So now I have to wait again till I can get a ride. Not that it matters as much now, since I still have to wait till N gets back in - but atleast it gives me enough time to figure things out.
So now I have to wait again till I can get a ride. Not that it matters as much now, since I still have to wait till N gets back in - but atleast it gives me enough time to figure things out.
The thought of hurting my children or sending them down this same path is the only thing keeping me here.
Kismet
life is pointless
- Feb 16, 2022
- 141
_Seeking
I'm only here for this moment
- Dec 16, 2021
- 205
Knowing that it is ending has led me to such a depression that I am having trouble getting my affairs in order, and I can't go without a will. Without it, everything would go to my father which cannot happen.
My physical body is getting worse and there is nothing I can do to stop it, I don't actually want to die but living like this would be far worse-my life right now quite literally feels like I am burning in hell due to the nerve pain. I just wish I could get my mental state to a better place so I can do what needs to be done and I can finally be at peace.
My physical body is getting worse and there is nothing I can do to stop it, I don't actually want to die but living like this would be far worse-my life right now quite literally feels like I am burning in hell due to the nerve pain. I just wish I could get my mental state to a better place so I can do what needs to be done and I can finally be at peace.
Not having a guarantee it will actually work and be pain free if I had a gun I'd be gone already
Talvikki
Elementalist
- Nov 18, 2021
- 846
jimmy7754
I just want to be myself again
- Dec 15, 2021
- 508
☆AwaitingEntropy☆
Snuffing the Light Out
- Nov 6, 2021
- 208
Survival instinct, mostly. It'd hurt my loved ones, idk how to come to terms with that. Also, my lease isn't up for a bit, and my roommates can't afford rent without me.
Aside from that though... idk.
Aside from that though... idk.
Foresight
Enlightened
- Jun 14, 2019
- 1,393
I kind of want to die skinny. I want to experience being small and frail for a bit before I go.
Super fucked up but long term eating disorders make you think like that.
Super fucked up but long term eating disorders make you think like that.
Mainly just fear. Fear of having a painful, agonizing death; Fear of making a mess that someone else has to clean up; Fear of leaving the people I love behind (even if I believe that they wouldn't miss me, I think I would have to mourn the loss of them before I could fully commit to dying)
I also have a lot of doubts about there being an afterlife and don't know if I will ever be able to handle just not existing anymore.
Lastly I think because my mood fluctuates so often, it almost always feels super impulsive to act on suicidal thoughts even if they're the one thing that's been consistent in my brain for the past 14 years regardless of mood.
I also have a lot of doubts about there being an afterlife and don't know if I will ever be able to handle just not existing anymore.
Lastly I think because my mood fluctuates so often, it almost always feels super impulsive to act on suicidal thoughts even if they're the one thing that's been consistent in my brain for the past 14 years regardless of mood.
WaterHemlock
Student
- Dec 18, 2019
- 112
Just waiting for everyone to move out of my house, to minimize the trauma.
They're moving in May.
They're moving in May.
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