Only thing holding me back now is my only brother has stage 4 lung cancer, as told by his doctor just last week---Brother is 1000 miles away, has family there for support but we're close--If I ctb'd now, I'd feel like I'd be abandoning him--He's still in shock, but really shouldn't be since he smoked cigarettes for 50 years--So, this has put a crimp in my plans--But I can doit anytime--just must transfer the 50 lb Nitrogen tank to my bedroom, all other things are attached to it--I could CTB in ten minutes if it comes to that--But for now,my brother needs me
-
⚠️ UK Access Block Notice: Beginning July 1, 2025, this site will no longer be accessible from the United Kingdom. This is a voluntary decision made by the site's administrators. We were not forced or ordered to implement this block. If you're located in the UK, we recommend using a VPN to maintain access.
rabbitlinnt10
my life is a clown show 🤡
- Mar 29, 2022
- 58
my own mental illness leaves me bedbound so it's very hard to CTB without causing short term distress that triggers my illness
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know which is better/worse, feeling all the emotions or hardening against them. I hope things get better for you
Not me--I want peace from this agony of my girlfriend's death, its constant and all-consuming
Thx Klo
fatefulstillness
ghost.
- Oct 24, 2021
- 151
ikkii
Member
- Apr 12, 2022
- 35
The only thing holding me back is what it would do to my family. My parents, my grandmother and my brother. I think it would destroy my father. And I'd be leaving my cat behind, and I love her more than anything.
sharky
Lost
- Dec 15, 2021
- 283
No sense of "urgency" to do so. Just finished my project that I was working on, paid off debts, and have a temp job after being layed off to keep things from falling behind. I thought I might start a new project, but no, no point in it, and no desire to put time and energy into yet another project.
Just getting affairs in order, things cleaned up, and taking it day-by-day. I want to my moment to be when I'm satisfied that there's nothing left undone, and I can do it calmly (the peaceful death that I've earned, after what I've put up with in my life) and on my terms, instead of external pressures making me stress-panic and feeling forced to do it. Basically, I want to enjoy my last days, in "retirement", while I still can, before the coming storm.
To that end, I'm working to pick a date that will have some meaning to it. I used to think that my death would be in the cause of a "greater good". Now, I know it won't change the world, or give me justice, but it will make a point. I might pick the date of my father's suicide, late this summer. No note needed, just the significance of that date will be enough, because the people who need to know will KNOW. And they'll know that I know. That would be my final word on the matter. Or, Sept. 2, which has less "personal" meaning to me, but has a meaning regarding "bigger things", more of an abstract meaning regarding the world at large that includes, but subsumes, my personal problems. Either works for me, it's just a 10-day difference between the two.
That said, I may not make it even that long. I was originally looking at the end of May, when my lease is up, but after I had paid off the last of my debts. But then, I was laid off, and that threw things off. But the severance allowed me to pay off the debt, and even gave me the idea to move somewhere else and start over. But then, I took this temp job locally, because I had to make a decision about the lease renewal, and, so-on, and so-on...looked at options, but nothing panned out elsewhere in time. So I took a temp job, which is not doing it for me, but neither was sitting around doing nothing. So, there's no urgency to go, but none to stay, either. Just taking it day-by-day, seeing how it goes. It's all arbitrary, now. I could literally go next month, next week, or tomorrow, and it'd be fine, to me.
(Although, I have a feeling that the universe will play one last joke on me; the day after I CBT will be the day my unemployment finally comes through, after being stuck in processing limbo...)
Just getting affairs in order, things cleaned up, and taking it day-by-day. I want to my moment to be when I'm satisfied that there's nothing left undone, and I can do it calmly (the peaceful death that I've earned, after what I've put up with in my life) and on my terms, instead of external pressures making me stress-panic and feeling forced to do it. Basically, I want to enjoy my last days, in "retirement", while I still can, before the coming storm.
To that end, I'm working to pick a date that will have some meaning to it. I used to think that my death would be in the cause of a "greater good". Now, I know it won't change the world, or give me justice, but it will make a point. I might pick the date of my father's suicide, late this summer. No note needed, just the significance of that date will be enough, because the people who need to know will KNOW. And they'll know that I know. That would be my final word on the matter. Or, Sept. 2, which has less "personal" meaning to me, but has a meaning regarding "bigger things", more of an abstract meaning regarding the world at large that includes, but subsumes, my personal problems. Either works for me, it's just a 10-day difference between the two.
That said, I may not make it even that long. I was originally looking at the end of May, when my lease is up, but after I had paid off the last of my debts. But then, I was laid off, and that threw things off. But the severance allowed me to pay off the debt, and even gave me the idea to move somewhere else and start over. But then, I took this temp job locally, because I had to make a decision about the lease renewal, and, so-on, and so-on...looked at options, but nothing panned out elsewhere in time. So I took a temp job, which is not doing it for me, but neither was sitting around doing nothing. So, there's no urgency to go, but none to stay, either. Just taking it day-by-day, seeing how it goes. It's all arbitrary, now. I could literally go next month, next week, or tomorrow, and it'd be fine, to me.
(Although, I have a feeling that the universe will play one last joke on me; the day after I CBT will be the day my unemployment finally comes through, after being stuck in processing limbo...)
Last edited:
oziinnz
Member
- Mar 23, 2022
- 54
That's so hard. We lost my sister to suicide 4 months ago and now I'm planning to ctb. It does destroy us but I guess we all know this. Me choosING to do this after my sister is the most horrible thing I'll ever do and I only hope I can go through with it because its too horrible go live with the reality. I hope you find peace in whatever shape that comes
StrangePossum
Member
- Dec 22, 2021
- 85
My life is not unbearably painful at the moment, and I feel like I still have a chance to improve it.
Also don't want to hurt my family, especially my dad and grandparents :/
Also don't want to hurt my family, especially my dad and grandparents :/
Starylain001
Body is a prison for the soul
- Apr 10, 2022
- 70
Cynic
Everything happens for a reason
- Apr 19, 2022
- 31
For me it feels like it's something than can happen whenever; why rush the process? I'm in a state of chronic apathy anyways so it's not like I'm suffering too much anyways
I will get blamed for CTB. I am feeling blamed for everything at the moment. I got evicted, threatened with rape, have been homeless - and all of it is my fault according to my famiy and because I have apparently made bad decisions. but they don't take into account how ill and vulnerable I have been or that I just want anywhere with some warmth and love.
Today is the worst day in months
Today is the worst day in months
thedaywillcome
I will leave soon
- Apr 2, 2022
- 358
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,430
SI, need to be 100% sure this is what I want to do (I am at 85% right now), apathy, too disconnected to do anything and I haven't obtained the stuff yet.
Yeah, my CTB is on hold because my brother starts his chemo on Fri for stage 4 lung cancer---He has a lot of family support up there(he's 800 miles away)kids grandkids girlfriend exwife stepkids stepmother but Iwant to be in close contact with him by phone--He's worried of course about nausea and throwing up as side effects of the chemo---Had to update my will today because his lifespan is now limited, and my girlfriend's death--Lost it at the lawyers office because my girlfriend usually went with me--Lawyer said I need to get grief counseling
Catch the bus aka suicide
As for what's holding me back from ctb, not really sure anymore. I can't really think of any reasons why I need to stay.
bpdmom
New Member
- Aug 31, 2021
- 1
Sweet Chainsaw
Member
- Dec 6, 2020
- 46
Similar threads
Venting
Back to normal?
- VargosMelon
- Recovery
Recovery
VargosMelon
