What Ignited Your Suicidality?

[myownpetvirus]

There seem to be a few camps of people on here and I just wanted to see what the percentages are on here
Also would love to hear a summary of your story. I was happy thriving getting ready to start my own business 18 months ago and then I have endured akathisia and other horrible symptoms from the use of prescribed benzos (bad reaction) and now I am ready to call time

 

[Rainy_days]

Bad social anxiety in adolescence that just got worse and worse. What I believe to be brain damage from high doses of psych meds I was prescribed. Now tinnitus, insomnia, problems eating etc. Guess my first thoughts were in late teens, attempted at 18.

 

[StolenLife]

I don't know. I've always been sad ever since I was a child, and then other thing happened that traumatised me (deaths in the family, severe bullying that bordered on abuse at school, inability to fit in, misophonia etc). But the sadness had always been there. And life keeps getting more and more unbearable each year.

 

[myownpetvirus]

Bad social anxiety in adolescence that just got worse and worse. What I believe to be brain damage from high doses of psych meds I was prescribed. Now tinnitus, insomnia, problems eating etc. Guess my first thoughts were in late teens, attempted at 18.

Benzos? This is common with benzos terrible drug. Only even approved for 2-4 weeks but doctors give out highly daily doses.

 

[jessisme]

None of the Above.

 

[peacetime]

I've been depressed since I was a child. I used to enjoy games, movies, etc., but that has passed. There's nothing I enjoy any more except eating, and that's very temporary. So I'm just struggling along.
Add to this that I have a tendency to go through psychosis, perhaps because I'm a hermit and don't have social connections. This led me to getting 45k debt and fucking up my university, so now I'm just a 27-year-old with a lot of debt (only half of it is from university, not american); no degree except high school. I also seriously think I have autism, at least asperger's. I always have and it used to be much more apparent when I was younger, but now getting a diagnosis could be hard, and I can't even get an appointment time so yeah.

I could probably get into university again and get some business degree, work from home maybe on some data for a company. So I would get a degree when I'm around 30. Then, I could pay off my debts, and I could be free from that when I'm like 33. So if I struggled, I could "recover" at least on paper. But what's the point when I don't enjoy anything and I might just fuck everything up again during a psychotic episode.

Are there any older people here to give me some perspective. I know I'm "only 27" and maybe my 30s could be my golden years, if my brain chemistry also changed. But I think that would have happened already. I don't know. I am ordering SN, going to keep it in my cabinet and use it when I feel necessary. I forgot to mention I had perfect teeth, but I fucked them up due to bad dental hygiene and a lot of soda. Parents were abusive and certainly didn't make sure I did any of that shit. A lot of baggage from my childhood. A lot.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Didn't have the greatest start in life. Mum died when I was 3, Grandpa when I was 4. Still- my Grandma then raised me and she was very loving. I was actually ok more or less till my Dad remarried when I was 10. I then lived with what I suspect was a Narcissistic step sibling. That was the start of it for me. Combination of deep grief for my Mum and a whole load of bullying and life just seemed like a torment. Since then, the feelings have always been there. They just happen to flare up when I'm struggling the most. For the past 8 months, they have been incredibly intense. Hence, I sought this place out.

 

[TimetoGo!]

Debt, debt and more debt…….leading to anxiety, depression, hating myself and the world. Leaving soon!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Depression, sadness, neglect off and on since childhood. A recent breakup triggered a total life collapse retreating into isolation and indolence …

 

[myownpetvirus]

I've been depressed since I was a child. I used to enjoy games, movies, etc., but that has passed. There's nothing I enjoy any more except eating, and that's very temporary. So I'm just struggling along.
Add to this that I have a tendency to go through psychosis, perhaps because I'm a hermit and don't have social connections. This led me to getting 45k debt and fucking up my university, so now I'm just a 27-year-old with a lot of debt (only half of it is from university, not american); no degree except high school. I also seriously think I have autism, at least asperger's. I always have and it used to be much more apparent when I was younger, but now getting a diagnosis could be hard, and I can't even get an appointment time so yeah.

I could probably get into university again and get some business degree, work from home maybe on some data for a company. So I would get a degree when I'm around 30. Then, I could pay off my debts, and I could be free from that when I'm like 33. So if I struggled, I could "recover" at least on paper. But what's the point when I don't enjoy anything and I might just fuck everything up again during a psychotic episode.

Are there any older people here to give me some perspective. I know I'm "only 27" and maybe my 30s could be my golden years, if my brain chemistry also changed. But I think that would have happened already. I don't know. I am ordering SN, going to keep it in my cabinet and use it when I feel necessary. I forgot to mention I had perfect teeth, but I fucked them up due to bad dental hygiene and a lot of soda. Parents were abusive and certainly didn't make sure I did any of that shit. A lot of baggage from my childhood. A lot.

I'm 31 I would say it sounds like you have a lot of hope and you're still young. I would take another stab at it. You can always go later if it doesn't work out.

 

[reverse03]

Now that I am suicidal again I remember that I was suicidal before when I was a kid around 10-12 years old, mostly ideation and fantasies about ctb. Then I forgot about it, became apathetic for most of my years. Can feel joy and peace for a short time but there's always a hole in me. A situation came that every wall came down on me now. The weight is too heavy to move any forward. I can suppress it but I cannot hold for long like before. Now, I am back to being suicidal.

 

[Rainy_days]

Benzos? This is common with benzos terrible drug. Only even approved for 2-4 weeks but doctors give out highly daily doses.

No I actually had regular dosage of benzo, but extremely high one of antidepressant. Think it was the latter that did the damage because I had to take it every day or else I would feel so sick I could barely walk. I think I did take a bunch of benzo one time in half hearted attempt, that probably didn't help my brain either.

 

[BurningMan]

I feel like the thoughts of dying have lways been present since I was younger. My childhood years were not filled with support, and I struggled making friends. As I get older the reality of what my life could look like is so heavy on my conscious is becoming too much for me. It is just spiralling while I watch it happen in front of me. It scares me, I don't want to be forced to do this.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

I tried to have a career after getting my masters but got so overwhelmed by my inability to function that it led to a psychotic break. Now I've got a masters degree working in fast food and living with my parents with no real prospects

 

[SamTam33]

This is what I recall of my "journey. "

Age 7: I heard about suicide on the news and someone killing themselves with pills. I tried it that very same night with random pills found in my mom's medicine cabinet. I took no more than 10 pills and got a stomachache.

Age 11: I said the words out loud, "I want to die." This was after I had tried for 5 straight days to get my mom to explain if she loved me or not. I anticipated her saying "yes" and I was prepared with examples of her humiliating me that would contradict her claim. I'd wait until she sat down to put curlers in her hair because I would have her attention for about 30 minutes. but she'd never even answer the question.

She wouldn't say "yes" if I asked her if she loved me. She would immediately say, "Get out of my face." I was 11. I tried for 5 nights and ended the week standing just inside the bathroom door with my arms wrapped around my body so I wouldn't scream, silently mouthing the words, "I want to die."

I was a good child. I got straight A's (or E's as they were known back in my day lol. E for Excellent). I never asked for help with homework. Ever in life. I did my own science projects. I just needed her to buy the poster board and markers. If there was such a thing as a Valedictorian in elementary school, then I was it. I won all of the awards on graduation day. I was still 11.

One of them was a portable camera and a $25 Sears gift certificate. My dad was angry about this and used up all the flash cubes on purpose (it was the 80s). I told him I hated him so he proceeded to beat me with the buckle end of his belt. I could see my skin literally being removed with each flick of the belt. I was his little girl. I remember staring at the muscle in his arm flexing because I didn't know where else to look.



He hates when his children accomplish something he never did. I'm a little too drunk to keep making sense. I don't know where I'm going or what my point is.

I don't deserve this stupid life. I don't want it. I never have.

 

[almostoutofhere]

I've always been sad, going back to my teenage years. I could never say I was truly happy to live life, more like "content". My life went downhill bad a couple years ago, back then I decided to turn things around for myself and made a career change, moved to a different part of the world. Was happy, or at least satisfied for a good 2 years. Got into a relationship that destroyed my mental health and ended up losing my job alongside everything else. Now I just feel like I'm done with life, I don't have the energy to start fresh.

 

[myownpetvirus]

I'm so s

This is what I recall of my "journey. "

Age 7: I heard about suicide on the news and someone killing themselves with pills. I tried it that very same night with random pills found in my mom's medicine cabinet. I took no more than 10 pills and got a stomachache.

Age 11: I said the words out loud, "I want to die." This was after I had tried for 5 straight days to get my mom to explain if she loved me or not. I anticipated her saying "yes" and I was prepared with examples of her humiliating me that would contradict her claim. I'd wait until she sat down to put curlers in her hair because I would have her attention for about 30 minutes. but she'd never even answer the question.

She wouldn't say "yes" if I asked her if she loved me. She would immediately say, "Get out of my face." I was 11. I tried for 5 nights and ended the week standing just inside the bathroom door with my arms wrapped around my body so I wouldn't scream, silently mouthing the words, "I want to die."

I was a good child. I got straight A's (or E's as they were known back in my day lol. E for Excellent). I never asked for help with homework. Ever in life. I did my own science projects. I just needed her to buy the poster board and markers. If there was such a thing as a Valedictorian in elementary school, then I was it. I won all of the awards on graduation day. I was still 11.

One of them was a portable camera and a $25 Sears gift certificate. My dad was angry about this and used up all the flash cubes on purpose (it was the 80s). I told him I hated him so he proceeded to beat me with the buckle end of his belt. I could see my skin literally being removed with each flick of the belt. I was his little girl. I remember staring at the muscle in his arm flexing because I didn't know where else to look.

If I ever lose my mind, I'm going to kill him. '

He hates when his children accomplish something he never did. I'm a little too drunk to keep making sense. I don't know where I'm going or what my point is.

I don't deserve this stupid life. I don't want it. I never have.

I'm sorry. I hope you exhaust any options of dealing with this trauma before you make any final decisions. May you find peace in whatever your decision

I've always been sad, going back to my teenage years. I could never say I was truly happy to live life, more like "content". My life went downhill bad a couple years ago, back then I decided to turn things around for myself and made a career change, moved to a different part of the world. Was happy, or at least satisfied for a good 2 years. Got into a relationship that destroyed my mental health and ended up losing my job alongside everything else. Now I just feel like I'm done with life, I don't have the energy to start fresh.

Damn that's sucks man. Well I hope you know you could potentially be happy again if you keep going. Or maybe not. But it's not my life and I can respect why anyone would choose to go back to the motherland. I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you do

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I've never really wished to exist at all and even when I was very young I found the thought of non existence to be so incredibly comforting and I envied those who died. I absolutely despise existing in every single way possible and thoughts of suicide are simply the expected and natural response to this, the wish to die is what makes so much sense to me.

I personally view existence as being such a terrible burden, having the ability to be conscious and aware of this world is such a disturbing thing and I see suffering as being something negative and something to be avoided at all costs. I don't wish to age and deteriorate and be tortured by the prison that is the human body. There is nothing appealing or desirable about existing, instead there is just endless problems that are an inevitable consequence of being in this world. In my case under no circumstances could I ever wish to be here, the thing that I have a problem with is life itself, so of course to die could only ever be the solution for me.

 

[myownpetvirus]

I tried to have a career after getting my masters but got so overwhelmed by my inability to function that it led to a psychotic break. Now I've got a masters degree working in fast food and living with my parents with no real prospects

What limits your functionality? I hope you find peace

In my case, I've never really wished to exist at all and even when I was very young I found the thought of non existence to be so incredibly comforting and I envied those who died. I absolutely despise existing in every single way possible and thoughts of suicide are simply the expected and natural response to this, the wish to die is what makes so much sense to me.

I personally view existence as being such a terrible burden, having the ability to be conscious and aware of this world is such a disturbing thing and I see suffering as being something negative and something to be avoided at all costs. I don't wish to age and deteriorate and be tortured by the prison that is the human body. There is nothing appealing or desirable about existing, instead there is just endless problems that are an inevitable consequence of being in this world. In my case under no circumstances could I ever wish to be here, the thing that I have a problem with is life itself, so of course to die could only ever be the solution for me.

Wow I'm so sorry you're existence has been so horrible. I hope you don't have to suffer much longer whether that's recovery or ctb

 

[GlassAlwaysEmpty]

Even as a young kid I fantasized about death more than the average person, I wasn't suicidal necessarily but I was okay with the thought of dying.
14-16 years old was when the depression kicked in, though I didn't know I was depressed until 4+ years later.
Pretty bad upbringing with absent parents.
Undiagnosed aspergers which wasn't diagnosed until very recently at the age of 30.

 

[StringPuppet]

It was never one thing specifically, I just ended up a weird and pathetic person that probably wouldn't be able to survive on my own even if I tried.

 

[Personality Zero]

I was a happy child, very innocent and naive. Developed severe social anxiety in high school. I started to believe I was odd then in turn acted odd, a vicious cycle. I was paranoid that classmates were laughing at me behind my back so I decided to stay silent. Now I'm left with zero social skills or relationships of any kind, nearing 30, unemployed and unable to cope with life at all. I had the potential to make a worthwhile life but I squandered all my opportunities and I'm now left with very few options

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

What limits your functionality? I hope you find peace

I'm just a lot less competent than I believed myself to be. I managed to slip through the cracks despite my incompetence, but when the support of graduate school was taken away I wasn't able to perform. I was asked to resign from my job.

 

[wait.what]

I could have picked a couple different answers, but went with the "congenitally fucked up" one because I have a full sib who endured the same childhood environment as me but who doesn't have my depressive issues or suicidality.

Basically I have a genetic weirdness that tends to cause people terrible GI problems. Some end up with Crohn's or Ulcerative Colitis, others get off easier with "only" IBS or celiac disease. I have a nameless collection of symptoms that is sort of a mid-grade disaster. Worse than your typical IBS case but not as horrendous as Crohn's. Anyway—my guts have chronic inflammation going on and they are not good at their job. It's a bitch and a half trying to wring adequate amounts of nutrition out of them, and among the things they prefer not to do is perform the chemical processes required for creating the normal spectrum of neurotransmitters.

I have treatment-resistant major depressive disorder because my body just does not make "happy hormones" under normal circumstances. I take a ton of expensive supplements with weird, half-deconstructed organic compounds in them. Normal vitamins don't help me because my stupid body can't use them. It just pisses them all straight out. I literally may as well just buy bottles of vitamins and then immediately throw them in the trash.

The strange, expensive pills do actually help somewhat, but a lot of damage has already been done. I have an ever-lengthening list of physical and mental disabilities to deal with, probably caused at least in part by decades of de facto malnutrition. I live in a private institution now and quite likely always will—unless a particular benefactor relative goes bankrupt or disowns me.

I also come from a home where there was a lot of substance abuse and domestic violence, because of course I do. I'd rather not discuss potentially-identifying details, so let it suffice to say that my ACE score is 8 out of 10 (ACE = aversive childhood experiences.) A high ACE score does not mean you "win."

As far as I can tell, most people in the Gen X age range had miserable childhoods, and while genetic glitches aren't common, they aren't vanishingly rare either. Mine is literally labeled a "high-incidence rare disease," which makes about as much sense as anything else in my life. It does seem unnecessarily cruel to hand me both crappy genetics and a crappy upbringing, though. Or if life was going to do that, it might as well have had me born in some war-torn country too, where I might have mercifully perished in infancy. But no … here I am in the first world, still dragging this nightmare out into my 50's. What kind of luck is that? It's like coming in 5th in a loser competition.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I'm just a lot less competent than I believed myself to be. I managed to slip through the cracks despite my incompetence, but when the support of graduate school was taken away I wasn't able to perform. I was asked to resign from my

Same same - utterly incompetant

 

[western_heart]

I don't fit neatly into any of these categories, so I'm not voting. I'm suicidal for complex reasons. I think I was born differently (autism? Idk never diagnosed but it sounds like I was neurodivergent very early in life), trauma and neglect as a child gave me mental illnesses, trauma as an adult keeps making it all worse, AND my physical health has been declining the past few years. I was depressed as a kid before I knew killing myself was an option and once I knew it was, had hope of things changing once I got away from home. That didn't fix everything… I have never been capable of fully functioning as an adult. I'm 35, but I have had multiple periods of being able to live on my own and hold down a job. I end up getting burnt out each time.

 

[dopaminedeath]

I don't fit neatly into any of these categories, so I'm not voting. I'm suicidal for complex reasons. I think I was born differently (autism? Idk never diagnosed but it sounds like I was neurodivergent very early in life), trauma and neglect as a child gave me mental illnesses, trauma as an adult keeps making it all worse, AND my physical health has been declining the past few years. I was depressed as a kid before I knew killing myself was an option and once I knew it was, had hope of things changing once I got away from home. That didn't fix everything… I have never been capable of fully functioning as an adult. I'm 35, but I have had multiple periods of being able to live on my own and hold down a job. I end up getting burnt out each time.

pretty similar
depressed for a long time which comes with ND
trauma/neglect but my parents have lived through troubled upbringings themselves so its intergenerational
i have stints of self-efficacy then burn out. don't see things playing out much differently, just getting worse

 

[Unending]

I selected the second option. I think that when I was very young I was okay, but near the end of elementary school I started to change and it has literally just devolved over the years. I'm guessing that what got me was trauma over the period of my whole childhood and a natural disposition towards depression that took hold with a strong grip by middle school.

Things definitely started to appear bleak as ever to me early on in this process but I was programmed to not perceive it this way for quite some time.
But yeah, this process definitely ignited my suicidality more and more as it went on.

 

[Anonymus]

I don't know how to live and no matter how hard I try I only receive surprise or rejection from other people. Over the years this lack of adaptation to the social environment is weighing heavily on my day to day life and generates a lot of discomfort. This discomfort makes it very difficult for me to stand up for myself. ... it is a cycle that never ends and there is only one way to stop it.

I want to enjoy life and in certain aspects I can, but it is not enough to compensate for so much suffering in a very unbalanced balance of pros and cons.

//

No se viure i per més que ho intento només rebo sorpresa o rebuig per part d'altres persones. Amb el pas dels anys aquesta manca d'adaptació a l'entorn social m'està pesant molt en el meu día a día i em genera molt malestar.. aquest malestar em crea alhora força dificultats per tal de valdre'm per mi mateix... és un cicle que no s'acaba mai i només hi ha una manera d'aturar-ho.

Jo desitjo gaudir de la vida i en certs aspectes puc, però no n'hi ha prou per compensar tant de patiment en una balança de pros i contres força desequilibrada.

 

[wait.what]

i have stints of self-efficacy then burn out.

For a time as I young adult I was able to function independently on and off. I'm too old and ill for it now.

Have I mentioned that the only relation with the means and desire to support me is one of my childhood abusers? Yeah that's a thing. Once I said I'd rather die than be dependent on this person ever again. Apparently not. I'm probably kidding myself about ever having the balls to ctb in the usual sense at all. My best bet is probably long-term self neglect. I could speed it along by leaning into my alcoholism, but last time I went on a bender I gave myself alcoholic gastritis and literally couldn't keep alcohol down anymore. Or anything else, of course.