OnlyTheWind
Serena / Meatball head
- Aug 29, 2020
- 962
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Dear Agony
The Void
- Jan 24, 2020
- 296
It's fucked, but my (ex) best friend (like we hadn't seen each other irl for 2 years, but he always will be the first person I ever loved romantically, the first person who broke my heart and he was someone I did talk to sometimes through chat and had lots of things unsaid) just died by suicide like 2 weeks ago, and now I feel like if I do it anytime soon, somehow the two events will be considered related in some way which makes me sick to my stomach. I was already 100% certain on my decision to CTB when he died, have been certain that would be my way to go for years but never felt this close to it (like in terms of being in peace with death and overcoming SI). I was waiting for a specific event in my life to happen and then I would do it.
Then this happened, and the prospect of having to wait even longer, live longer in this fucked up purgatory, fills me with dread tbh. But I am also 100% certain I will be viewed as the girl that got rejected by the boy and couldn't take it when he died, wanted some attention, or even worse that it was an impulsive decision motivated by grief or that I somehow inspired myself on him. I don't care much about what other people think usually, but everyone of my loved ones knew him/were close to him and I do not want to be remembered this way. I'm not a bitter girl about my rejection or even about his death, I'm 100% in peace now with the fact he rejected me and have already found peace in the fact he died :/ I just wish I had been first honestly. It's not fair, it's fucked but not fair.
Then this happened, and the prospect of having to wait even longer, live longer in this fucked up purgatory, fills me with dread tbh. But I am also 100% certain I will be viewed as the girl that got rejected by the boy and couldn't take it when he died, wanted some attention, or even worse that it was an impulsive decision motivated by grief or that I somehow inspired myself on him. I don't care much about what other people think usually, but everyone of my loved ones knew him/were close to him and I do not want to be remembered this way. I'm not a bitter girl about my rejection or even about his death, I'm 100% in peace now with the fact he rejected me and have already found peace in the fact he died :/ I just wish I had been first honestly. It's not fair, it's fucked but not fair.
