What do you miss the most from before you started struggling?

[astonishedturnip]

I miss feeling like my whole life was ahead of me. I was a straight-A student and everyone told me I could do anything I put my mind to. I miss dreaming about what my life would be like as an adult and being confident that the universe would make it happen. I miss the feeling that the world had nothing but good things and potential, and it was all within my grasp -- not gatekept by money and connections and just being in the right place at the right time. I miss feeling like I mattered. I miss the magic of childhood. I miss eating whatever I wanted and keeping my shape! I miss not knowing how evil people could be and how fucked the world is.

I miss the feelings of home. My home life wasn't perfect... Me and my siblings could fight like cats, my mom was a hardass, and it sucked to have no money or laptop or car, etc. But I miss all of us living under one roof and being a family. Sharing dinner together every night, summer days at the pool, watching a Redbox movie together, family vacations and trips. I miss how special every holiday felt, even if we had to clean for company. I miss my grandpa. I miss my dog. I miss knowing my parents were young and knowing that it'd be decades before I had to worry about their health. I miss someone else making the decisions and the calls, so I could sleep at night feeling protected, knowing someone cared about me. Now we're only together a few times a month at most and my siblings have their own friends/family so they forget I'm there. I miss when we'd all have fun together.

I miss being together with all my friends at school. I don't miss the bullying or endless homework or waking up at 6:30. But I miss having no priorities in my life except to learn. I miss writing stories in journals and sharing them with friends. I miss all the clubs, all the hangout sessions with friends, all the times when even going to the mall felt like a special adventure. I miss giggling over our crushes and the fun of school dances. I miss when there was nothing to do in summer but relax and swim and play video games. I miss us feeling like we were invincible. Now my friends are married with kids and moved away and we're lucky to meet up a couple of times a year.

I used to never understand how people could be nostalgic for childhood. I couldn't wait to grow up. Now I get it. I just want to start over, from the beginning, with what I know now.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Being intelligent, or, at least thinking I was. Stereotypical "gifted child has fallen from grace" story. Ever since I was in the ER for suicidial thoughts and started therapy I went from honors to barely passing regular classes and upon graduating high school I was kinda passing below regular classes.

That, and just feeling content with life before my SA when I was 8. Wasn't euphoric, but excited about everything new, laughed with families on the holidays. I miss it. I miss it all.

 

[1MiserableGuy]

Don't remember a time when I didn't

 

[pilotviolin]

being able to maintain relationships, having the energy to go out. ill probably look back in five years and somehow miss now.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It feels like my life has always been a struggle. Even though the things I struggled against were meager, it never felt like I wasn't fighting against something whether it was my father's abuse, my bad grades, or even petty issues with being lightly bullied at school.

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

I miss being sincere and innocent about my career and life. Although I have been struggling for more than a decade, I miss my old self- being able to feel my emotions,work hard for his career,able to accept his mistake and be real.

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

I miss feeling like things were going to work out for me in the end. I've never had the most positive outlook on life, but before I really started struggling I did think that eventually I would reach a stage in my life where I would feel happy, or at least content with life. I don't know why exactly I thought that, because you only have to look around you to see that things don't always work out for everyone. I guess I always knew that, but didn't really internalize it until my struggles started.

 

[ham and potatoes]

I miss enjoying things.
Before, I had hobbies I loved and did fun things. Now, thoes same hobbies just feel like a chore, and nothing I do seems fun anymore

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

not being in pain and being able to see

 

[eatantz]

making friends

 

[greebo6]

Its been so long I can't even remember....

 

[Forveleth]

I miss the ability to feel content. PDD has robbed me of the ability to feel anything above "meh" for more than a few hours. I miss having just a normal day, with nothing particularly good or bad happening, just a day, and not feeling like shite for no reason when I go to bed. I would take all the bad in my life right now in stride if I was also allowed to enjoy the good or even just the mundane.

 

[terra.nuvo]

I miss hanging out with friends and actually having a good time laughing it up with them. I haven't experienced that in quite some time and it hurts honestly. I also miss just being able to live without thinking about how horrible the future might be. And having things that excited me or made me feel free. I really just miss my old life in general. I was so happy and full of life. In spite of the persistent depression, I felt like I could still enjoy things. But that all but a distant memory at this point. I didn't realize how good I had it until the major depression hit me like a truck.

 

[thenamingofcats]

Great thread. I miss having something to look forward to. I used to be really good at always setting something up for the future and it kept me going for a long time. It's hard to keep up when you're depressed and lose hope.

 

[botanist_dude]

Like you, I also miss having a good relationship with my mother. I miss feeling like I was loved and valued. I miss the times before I was sexually assaulted. I miss being able to enjoy things and have some form of escapism. And most of all, I miss being hopeful about the future and having goals and dreams.

Oh I am so sorry. I hope whoever assaulted you suffers. You don't deserve any pain, it was unfairly put into you. I hope the best for you always

 

[Alltheywanted]

I miss being mentally stable

 

[onbekend]

I mostly miss enjoying games, movies, tv shows, and stuff like that. Ever since I became suicidal I just became less interested in doing anything.

In a way I sorta miss the ability to actually socialize and talk to people since I seemed to have the ability to do so before any suicidal thoughts.
Probably for the best, If I did speak to others I'm sure I'd be nothing more than a burden anyways.