What do you miss the most from before you started struggling?

[Silent_cries]

I miss doing fun things with my mom, I miss joking and laughing with her, I miss being so free and careless, I miss still being bff's with my cousin and playing with her, I miss every second of about daycare. I miss so many things, but most of all, I miss my freedom :(

 

[Malaria]

Like you, I also miss having a good relationship with my mother. I miss feeling like I was loved and valued. I miss the times before I was sexually assaulted. I miss being able to enjoy things and have some form of escapism. And most of all, I miss being hopeful about the future and having goals and dreams.

 

[moshimoshi]

I'm sending you so many hugs I can relate a lot
Hmmmm it's hard to remember because I was very young when I started struggling. I badly miss my innocence, but that got taken away from me at 5 yrs old when I saw porn for the first time, and then at 9 yrs old when I witnessed violence. I miss being carefree and seeing all of the colors in the world, when 90% of my days were good and happy. I would wake up looking forward to all the magic the day had to offer, and I didn't know yet the darkness that lied within my family. Now I can't even imagine what that would be like. I miss having a positive view of my parents and loving them. Probably most of all, I miss playing with my best friends who I recently lost on the playground in kindergarten. They were the first friends I ever made. God I miss everything so fucking much

 

[momento.mori]

I miss waking up simply happy and trying to squeeze all these fun activities in one day. Now, I hate waking up, don't care what the day is anymore. The days I don't work I take sleeping pills all day to stay sleep.

 

[Agon321]

I miss having gigantic dreams and plans
I also miss my naivety.

I thought about many professions.
Priest, astronaut, politician, football player...
Well, I hit a wall very hard.

I will not be a great and influential man.
I am a nobody and I will die like this.

I will not be a priest who will revolutionize the church system.
I won't be an astronaut who lands on Mars.
I will not be a politician who will create a utopia.
I won't be the best football player ever.
I won't even come close to these things

Children's dreams have nothing to do with reality.
I simply had too much ambition and too little skills and intelligence. Laziness doesn't help either.

I'm just too small and weak.
That's why I miss my charming naivety the most.
Pathetic.

 

[Silent_cries]

I miss having gigantic dreams and plans as a child.
I also miss my naivety.

I thought about many professions.
Priest, astronaut, politician, football player...
Well, I hit a wall very hard.

I will not be a great and influential man.
I am a nobody and I will die like this.

I will not be a priest who will revolutionize the church system.
I won't be an astronaut who lands on Mars.
I will not be a politician who will create a utopia.
I won't be the best football player ever.
I won't even come close to these things

Children's dreams have nothing to do with reality.
I simply had too much ambition and too little skills and intelligence. Laziness doesn't help either.

I'm just too small and weak.
That's why I miss my charming naivety the most.
Pathetic.

I miss being naive too. I was super naive as a child, didn't understand or saw how horrible reality is, and thus I was happy until reality and also depression hit at age 13.

 

[sserafim]

I miss not having to worry about the future. Before I started struggling, I didn't think that the future was going to come. I didn't think that I would have to live out post-college life and actually enter the real world. I thought that I would somehow be dead before then. I was on lostallhope back in 2021 because I though that I would have ctb before graduating college. Reality hit me like a truck though, and now my situation is dire. It's basically become a slave (submit to modern day slavery), or ctb. I didn't think that I would ever have to live out adulthood or eventually support myself. I never wanted to anyways

I miss being naive too. I was super naive as a child, didn't understand or saw how horrible reality is, and thus I was happy

Same. I used to be naive, but now I know just how cruel and evil the world is. We're all forced to participate in modern day slavery just to survive. We have to become slaves to the system for the rest of our lives. Life is a struggle for survival. Most people are just surviving and not even living, yet they're somehow okay with this. It doesn't make any sense to me

 

[_Broken_alice]

We miss not being anhedonic and apathetic.
Have been that way for ~15 years now since our first attempt hours after being SA'd during an already awful chapter of our life.
We have been this way since as early as we can remember though thanks to abuse and neglect since infancy.

 

[Silent_cries]

I miss not having to worry about the future. Before I started struggling, I didn't think that the future was going to come. I didn't think that I would have to live out post-college life and actually enter the real world. I thought that I would somehow be dead before then. I was on lostallhope back in 2021 because I though that I would have ctb before graduating college. Reality hit me like a truck though, and now my situation is very dire. It's basically become a slave (submit to modern day slavery), or ctb. I didn't think that I would ever have to live out adulthood or eventually support myself. I never wanted to anyways

Same. I used to be naive, but now I know just how cruel and evil the world is. We're all forced to participate in modern day slavery just to survive. We have to become slaves to the system for the rest of our lives. Life is a struggle for survival. Most people are just surviving and not even living, yet they're somehow okay with this. It doesn't make any sense to me

Ik. I honestly wish I could just live with my mom like I used to before and never have to worry about responbillity and bills and shit ever again. Honestly I wish I could go back to daycare and never have to worry about getting judged ever again. The years I went to daycare was the best years in my life ever! I wish I never had to start in school after that :(

 

[Malaria]

I miss having gigantic dreams and plans
I also miss my naivety.

I thought about many professions.
Priest, astronaut, politician, football player...
Well, I hit a wall very hard.

I will not be a great and influential man.
I am a nobody and I will die like this.

I will not be a priest who will revolutionize the church system.
I won't be an astronaut who lands on Mars.
I will not be a politician who will create a utopia.
I won't be the best football player ever.
I won't even come close to these things

Children's dreams have nothing to do with reality.
I simply had too much ambition and too little skills and intelligence. Laziness doesn't help either.

I'm just too small and weak.
That's why I miss my charming naivety the most.
Pathetic.

Me too, I miss being naive too. I miss my innocence.

 

[sserafim]

Me too, I miss being naive too. I miss my innocence.

Same

 

[ijustwishtodie]

There isn't anything that I miss. I always struggled from day 1 and I never enjoyed being alive. Sure, I've been happy and had happy days but I don't miss that because it honestly is nothing to me

 

[billie]

I miss my arms and legs when they didn't have scars

 

[Forever Sleep]

Weirdly, I can't think back to a carefree time. My childhood was actually worse than my adulthood! I guess I miss all the people that have died.

 

[leloyon]

Before?
Well, I hadn't been conceived yet, so non-existence is better than this.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

Having hopes and dreams, plans...
Believing in myself. Having curiosity and optimism to a certain degree

I miss doing fun things with my mom, I miss joking and laughing with her, I miss being so free and careless, I miss still being bff's with my cousin and playing with her, I miss every second of about daycare. I miss so many things, but most of all, I miss my freedom :(

I hated daycare I cried every day there. My childhood sucked.
The happiest time was my early twenties

 

[4am]

not having a constant deadline to kms hanging above my head like a looming threat quickly approaching me every day..

 

[Unicr0n]

I miss seeing my sister not in being in constant pain from her boyfriend dying. I miss seeing my cousin and her baby girl not being in constant pain from the husband being taken back to prison. I miss seeing my godmother not being in constant pain prior to her BPD materializing. I miss seeing my other sister not in constant pain before she got pregnant and threw her life away. No one will ever be the same

 

[xinino]

I missed the lies.

 

[Aergia]

My (relative) ambition. I hate thinking about who I could've possibly been if it weren't for the things that went wrong.

If we're discussing experiences, though, probably being able to feel pleasure from listening to my favourite songs. or just not having anhedonia.

 

[InAgony]

I miss being able to have close friendships.

 

[kilowatt]

I miss having free time and being able to enjoy it, I miss sleeping in and only worrying about what my next meal is, basically I miss being a kid

 

[NullSz00]

I miss being able to shrug off minor problems like they're nothing.
I miss when I didn't have dark thoughts.
I miss when I didn't have to think too much about the future and what's to come.

I miss when I liked being alive.



I miss being happy...

 

[sserafim]

I missed the lies.

Wdym? Lies about what? The world and life in general?

I miss having free time and being able to enjoy it, I miss sleeping in and only worrying about what my next meal is, basically I miss being a kid

Same I wish I could be a kid again

Having hopes and dreams, plans...
Believing in myself. Having curiosity and optimism to a certain degree

I hated daycare I cried every day there. My childhood sucked.
The happiest time was my early twenties

I'm in my early 20s and don't plan to live past them. I'm never reaching 25

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I've struggled since I was 8 and I don't remember much before that. There have been some good things in and between that I miss, especially from the years before therapy ultimately broke me.

I miss when I couldn't go one day without being bombarded with messages by people asking me to party. And I miss the parties. Coming home at 4 AM, sitting in a circle with beautiful people singing 80's hits, meeting and falling in love with complete strangers at my favorite bar, that constant next-last glass of red wine.

I miss when me and my ex girlfriend went to Estonia, our first and only trip abroad together as a couple.

I miss laying in a hammock by the ocean eating blueberry toffee in one of my favorite cities on Earth.

I miss me and my friends being shitheaded drunk, holding eachother and yelling out the same cheesy song.

I miss having energy, being able to do whatever I felt like in a day without the painful fatigue.

I miss coming up with a story in my head and writing it down.

I miss having my brain constantly filled with creative projects, and knowing how to execute them.

I miss painting, I miss drawing, I miss woodworking and glass fusing.

I miss waking up every morning to a cup of coffee and chatting with my Discord friends.

I miss every time I've fallen asleep on a beautiful womans chest, just feeling completely safe, wanted and at peace.

I miss swimming in the ocean, floating on my back, staring up at the baby blue sky.

I miss urban exploration. Visiting new, terrifying places, never knowing what to find but it was always awesome.

I miss the dumb micro adventures me and my now former best friend went to every week. I miss her laughter, when we went to the kiddie zoo as grown as adults, all our intern jokes, the musical songs we used to sing and how she came over with pastries when I was sick.

I miss thrifting for glassware and clothing and I miss dumpster diving.

I miss never having to worry about money, never having to meet with a doctor every quarter to get that dumb ass disability note and hope that the authorities is going to let me live somewhere for another three months.

 

[Red Moon]

I had some happiness as a kid, not having suicidal mindset and doing things with my dad.

 

[xinino]

Wdym? Lies about what? The world and life in general?

Yeah, lies about the world used to give me a sense of purpose in life. I used to believe that we are free, that we are equal on a "biological level," that industrial societies are good, and that racism does not exist...

But it doesn't mean now that I don't have a purpose anymore; it is just that my purposes have become low in number and different. One of them is to understand the pure human psyche without alienation, and not just that, but to identify and relate to individuals who exhibit such features "I am still human, btw.".

 

[Final_Choice]

The hopeful feeling of pure bliss. I've always been passively suicidal but had hope it would get better or that I'd adapt to it somehow. I didn't, naturally, but that pure feeling of hope felt pretty good sometimes.

 

[BojackHorseman]

Weirdly, I can't think back to a carefree time. My childhood was actually worse than my adulthood! I guess I miss all the people that have died.

Same here. My first desire to not be alive started pre kindergarden due to abuse from my father. I grew up being told he wished I had never been born and I ruined his life, etc.
Life got much better after growing up and moving out and completely cutting him out of my life. Can't say I miss anything from back then.
The closet I can come to saying I miss anything, is that I miss seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I always thought "If I can just get out of here and get away, I will be fine and normal and all these feelings will go away. It will all be okay then." I had hope for a normal future once I got away.

Well I got away. Now dont get me wrong, my life now is pretty good to be honest. I have a good paying job (although I do hate it) and a husband who adores me and is my best friend, and two sweet puppies. I actually feel too ashamed to post here sometimes because I feel ungrateful and afraid people will judge me as such. But even though my life is better, I still have episodes of severe suicidal thoughts. Not as much as I did as a teenager of course, but they bother me so much more now. Cause if I cant be happy now with the life I have, then theres just no hope for me then. There is no longer light at the end of the tunnel. Hope to be "normal" is gone.
I read several studies that toddlers that grow up in severely anxious and abusive households actually have brains that develope differently. Being in that constant state of anxiety from such a young age actually causes the brain to wire itself in that state and consider that "normal". But reading that stuff doesnt make me feel better, it just reinforces the idea that I am just fucked up beyond repair and its never going to go away.

So I guess I can say I miss hope.

 

[JaJu]

I miss not being chased by time and adult responsibilities. Spending all day online in a magical world (old school MapleStory, anyone?!) with IRL friends and friends made online. I think that is one of my most cherished times because it was so exciting, enjoyable, beautiful, and peaceful.

School on the other hand was pure living hell and for that reason alone I would not go back in time even if I had the opportunity to relive the good memories stated in the beginning.