what do i do?

[p1nk_princess]

hi. i've never posted on a forum before so sorry if i type dumb.

i'm going to be 20 soon and I feel like the negative thoughts and pessimistic outlook on life hasn't changed since I was very very young. I still have suicide notes on my phone from 2020 back when I would overdose almost once a month. and reading them just now made me realize..nothing changed. yeah, i got older and maybe gained a few more experiences in life and started college but mentally i'm still stuck in 2020. I fortunately never got hospitalized for those overdoses because I was a dumbass and tried to overdose using Tylenol or insulin...tylenol would just make me vomit everywhere and insulin would cause such an insatiable amount of hunger I literally felt like I could eat my own arm so it never worked out because I'd usually ended up binge eating before my blood sugar dropped far enough to put me in a comatose state. but moral of the story i just want to die. I've accepted that life will never be good to me and it will only continue to get worse for me so I better kill myself soon. idk how though. I just want to die with no pain. that's all I ask. And unfortunately I don't have access to a gun because I would just blow my head off but where I live it's not happening without a license and I can't get that as i'm under 21. how do i kill myself? please help me. i cant suffer on this earth like this anymore.

 

[enjoytheride]

Hello! You are experiencing a really tough situation and I am sorry.

What do you think are the root causes of it? I am sure you have reflected on this, yet by identifying at least some of the causes, maybe as many of us here are older and more experienced we can try to provide some advice that would help improve things. Or even just offer a different perspective on life that could help you see things differently and maybe an alternative way out, that doesn't involve ctb.

Kind regards