Discussion What brought you here?

[MidnightCat]

I'm not specifically talking about the forum itself.

What's the reason you've got suicidal thoughts? Is there some triggers for you or things that help?

I would love to know the histories of those who want to share, maybe as a vent, as advice or whatever the case may be.






In my case is a combination of depression and self-hatred.

It started when I was a teenager, I did not had the best self steem, things happened with my first gf and dedicated me a website about how disgusting I was, bullying and loneliness in general. I've always been really closely related to Borderline Personality Disorder (It was suggested a few times by doctors) witch did not help.

Used to self harm as a way of venting, been hospitalized for that, years keep flying by and the hatred I had for myself started to grow.

I'm now at the point that I cannot do anything without screaming at myself I'm a failure, I'm worthless and it's shameful others have breathe the same air I breathe. Just a waste of resources.

I've archieved a lot of things, most of them pretty hard and should feel proud of them. But, anything I can do or achive is simply not enough to diminish this thoughts.

I'm tired of fighting against this for more than half of my life, and I'm not sure how much I'll be able to stay here.

 

[Unending]

I got to this point because of the lessons that life taught me I suppose. Many people feel like life teaches them valuable lessons about putting in effort to get good things in return and stuff like that but I feel like my life experience has brought me to the opposite conclusion. Sometimes you can put in all the effort in the world time and time again for years and years and never get anything meaningful or sustainable back in return.

I feel as though I have slowly lost the illusion of life and now am just sort of this person who has began to resent the notion of human significance and sees it as disgusting considering the suffering that some of us cause, myself included.

I have began to see the world in a really dark light. There is a good side to life but it just feels so irrelevant when there is so much suffering around and within.

Anyways, yeah, I guess it all started initially with childhood trauma, bullying, and then further developed mental illness but has gotten to a point where its more about the external world.

Also, I know what its like to experience such self hatred, and not be satisfied by anything you accomplish, it's a very horrible feeling. I've put a lot of work into things that I find important in my world but always feel empty when the projects are done or when I lose all interest and neglect them.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Serious illness. I can't live my life the way I used to, the way I want to.

 

[outrider567]

Girlfriend's death exactly one year ago today--Before that happened, was quite a happy well adjusted person with a nice life...a good life...a lucky life...but since then its been totally the opposite, darkness doom and gloom frustration and hopelessness

 

[MidnightCat]

I got to this point because of the lessons that life taught me I suppose. Many people feel like life teaches them valuable lessons about putting in effort to get good things in return and stuff like that but I feel like my life experience has brought me to the opposite conclusion. Sometimes you can put in all the effort in the world time and time again for years and years and never get anything meaningful or sustainable back in return.

I feel as though I have slowly lost the illusion of life and now am just sort of this person who has began to resent the notion of human significance and sees it as disgusting considering the suffering that some of us cause, myself included.

I have began to see the world in a really dark light. There is a good side to life but it just feels so irrelevant when there is so much suffering around and within.

Anyways, yeah, I guess it all started initially with childhood trauma, bullying, and then further developed mental illness but has gotten to a point where its more about the external world.

Also, I know what its like to experience such self hatred, and not be satisfied by anything you accomplish, it's a very horrible feeling. I've put a lot of work into things that I find important in my world but always feel empty when the projects are done or when I lose all interest and neglect them.

It's hard. I do understand your feelings and.. yes, life hits like a brick.

Thank you for sharing, I'm sorry you know what's like self hatred but thanks for sharing it, it's sad someone understand this... and on the other hand it's a little soothing.

Serious illness. I can't live my life the way I used to, the way I want to.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can regain some of the life you used to have.

Girlfriend's death exactly one year ago today--Before that happened, was quite a happy well adjusted person with a nice life...a good life...a lucky life...but since then its been totally the opposite, darkness doom and gloom frustration and hopelessness

This hits really hard. I'm sorry for your loss. It's actually something that scares me deeply and I'm not sure how to get back on track after something like this.

I wish you the best mate.

 

[MidnightCat]

Used to SH too.

Hatred of society and dissatisfaction with life.

Please, tell mi if this is a trigger for you and I'll edit if that's the case.

Don't you miss SH? Found any other alternative that works for you?

I do miss it a lot, and it's being hard not going back to it.

 

[hellispink]

When I was 11 years old, I wrote in my diary that I wanted to die. I did it because I was severely bullied and harassed. Years passed, a bunch of them since then and there is still the wanting to leave this world. Death became part of me.

 

[Fulminare]

For me, it was the realization that my mental illness is chronic. That no matter how hard I try at life, no matter how accomplished I am, I would feel this way. That all came from childhood trauma, bullying, sexual harassment and so on.

Healthy coping mechanisms barely work anymore, instead I turn to destructive ones in order to feel something. Therapy only gave me debt. I could go on and on. Passing away seems like the only valuable option to me now and it's been like this for years. I'm glad it's finally becoming a reality.

 

[Unending]

For me, it was the realization that my mental illness is chronic. That no matter how hard I try at life, no matter how accomplished I am, I would feel this way. That all came from childhood trauma, bullying, sexual harassment and so on.

Healthy coping mechanisms barely work anymore, instead I turn to destructive ones in order to feel something. Therapy only gave me debt. I could go on and on. Passing away seems like the only valuable option to me now and it's been like this for years. I'm glad it's finally becoming a reality.

I understand, that was a really devastating realization in my case. I've tried really hard to do all the mindfulness and meditation in addition to whatever other healthy coping mechanisms you learn in therapy and none of it even touches my illness.

I've quit drinking years ago and quit all substances except for drinking caffeine, but still sh. It doesn't do much for me but it is better than just sitting there thinking and thinking. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. The trauma and abuse really leaves a mark.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, having suicidal thoughts are just a natural response to existing in this world. I've never wished to be here and never could do under any circumstances and even when I was very young I found the thought of being dead to be something that is so comforting. I personally despise existence, I view it as being something so terrible and it's a burden having the ability to be conscious and aware of this hellish world. I just don't find existence to be appealing and something so useless and harmful as existence could never be worth it in any way. I don't wish to suffer and be trapped here, risking ending up in a situation of even worse torment, and there is no value to staying here just to inevitably age and deteriorate.

Suicide is simply what makes sense to me and it's the only solution when the thing that I see as being the true problem is life itself. Choosing to delay our inevitable fate could never hold any benefits, at least to me. All that existence is, is just a way to cause existing beings to suffer so unnecessarily, and it's sad how I'm still here.

 

[jessisme]

My present is great, wonderful even and if things were to remain this way I would not be seeking ctb as a solution. I have an extremely bleak future filled with solitude, pain, suffering and torment. It's escaping this inevitable future that ctb appeals to me and is a big goal and aspiration. I can't not ctb. It is my best and only option at this point.

 

[aSilentVoice]

I've struggled with depression since elementary and anxiety almost as far back as I can remember. I had 3 friends at school in 4th-5th. Boys started bullying me and 2 of my friends (1 of them was my best friend) joined in and the 3rd girl just watched. I ended up finishing the last part of the school year at home and was homeschooled for 6th and part of 7th. I'm in my late 20's now and still have trust issues and a hard time making friends.

I've never been asked out. I think I understand why, but it still hurts. I used to want to be a mother and wife, but am unsure I feel right about bringing kids into this world. I feel pretty broken and am not sure I'd make a good mother or wife anyways.

My parents separation when I was 14 (they later divorced) shook my worldview. They hid their marital issues well and my siblings and I didn't see it coming. Ultimately, I think it is good they split, but it's been hard. Some time after my dad remarried, he instigated a custody battle over my sibling that's 7 years younger than me and that was rough. I honestly think he tried to destroy my mom and what he did really affected her mental health and life financially (during their marriage they both agreed on her being a SAHM). She's one of the best people I know and I would have CTB long ago if it weren't for her.

I dropped out of college because of anxiety and changing my mind about my major. I feel like I'm not smart enough for most education/career paths and am don't know what I even want to do.

Things have been difficult at the company I'm currently working for. There's a lot of gossip and I struggle with feeling like a good chunk of them don't like me. I feel like I'm not good at doing much there.

Church has been big part of my life up until the last few months. I completed a rite of passage of sorts and it wasn't a great experience. It felt culty. I'm now questioning things I had been taught more than I have in the past. I'm not sure I believe in God at this point. Part of me hopes He's not real because it seems like He's either uncaring or cruel. Most of my family are part of this church and I feel pretty alone in what I'm going through.

TL;DR - I'm just tired of trying and don't feel like things will ever get better. I don't have much self confidence or feel like I have a purpose. I'm afraid of what the future holds and it's hard to bear/witness the all the cruelty in the world.

 

[Szinuus]

I struggle with it for a year due to chronic pain that wont go away. Its impossible to happen so my attitude would never get better. Life is a misery even without chronic pain and with it is absolutely hell.