It's really difficult to answer that question, but somehow I'm convinced that SI and the corresponding thoughts that go with it are what will preoccupy me. Honestly, considering that the reason for my eventual CTB is the breakup of the relationship with the woman I only truly loved and that I am the one who ended that relationship (despite the fact that I loved her and that I still love her more than anything). We are literally one soul in two bodies and this feeling of guilt eats me up and prevents me from functioning further in this life. We are still somehow connected on a mental level (dreams, thoughts), but she cannot (because of her hurt) get over my mistakes and doesn't believe that I love her, and I don't seem to have any possibility to prove it to her. There is no such thing as not I would do it to prove it to her and somehow get her back. This stalemate is unbearable, my loneliness without her is absolute and I know that no one can ever replace her. I have the possibility to have more relationships and I even know that several women are emotionally attached to me and that he loves me but I really am not able to have any emotional or physical contact with any other woman except her. I can't be alone but I can't be with anyone else but her, this is unbearable and indescribably painful. Only because of her I'm still not CTB because maybe all is not lost for us.