Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Takeme2whereibelong]

Last post and rant Im fuming im seething angry at the mental health system always being lied about and they get away with it. No ones records are correct and they wont correct them. A glimpse of my previous record states i "think" im autistic that im not diagnosed. I have been fn diagnosed by psychologists, gps, psychiatrists just not by the form that costs $2000 in australia. And how dare they write my dog used to be my sisters therapy dog. How dare they fuckin disrespect him like that. He was my dog and only ever my dog he was my assistance dog not a therapy dog and no one elses dog. Last month in the mental health unit they told me i was lying and that i have pets to go home to. Someone has told them i own a pet horse. My fuckin pet horse is a lifesize fibreglass horse. But apparently i own a real horse that lives in loungeroom in a town like wtf is wrong. Correct if im wrong but to me the mental health workers are the ones more mentaly unstable. But you cant fight them because no one believes us its so incredibly wrong

 

[jpeq]

Bad but unable to process it. I want to laugh. I have to wake up in 2 hours, I haven't slept. I can't bring myself to do anything important and I'm watching my deadlines pass and I do nothing but sit here and take up space. I feel great, fine, present in the moment but in a sense it's an act as the real world and my real responsibilities all pile up. I'm tired and scared and angry and happy and overwhelmed and disoriented.

 

[rururiruru]

if only i know

 

[Dejected 55]

I am hollow. I am empty. I have so much to give, so much I want to give, and no one ever to give to. I need to be held and touched and seen and loved and heard, but I am alone, always alone. I am broken, shattered, the pieces are drifting away, out of reach, I can't even see many of them anymore. Parts of me are gone forever, I can never be fully put back together again, but also no one is trying and I no longer care myself. I am a shell of who I was, a fraction of who I could be, and all the unrealized potential and dreams and experiences... they aren't even things to be imagined anymore, not even fantasies to be held in my mind to keep me company or delude myself further. I know there is nothing, always nothing, and the walls are closing in on me. The end is coming whether I want it or not... so I might as well try to want it, accept it, find my place in it... and see if I can at least take the reigns on my end in a way I've never been able to do so in my life.

 

[darksouls]

still trapped in eternal darkness

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm getting so tired of this shit. I feel so fucking annoyed right now and I don't fucking fully know why. I want to hang myself so badly right now but I can't because my mom is home. It sucks because I have the rope in my bag. I want to cut myself as well, but I can't. I'd cut my thighs and arms as deep as I could if I were able to, but I can't because I was an idiot and told them about my SHing. I know that they would have inevitably found out about it but I still regret telling them. I feel so out of place everywhere I go. I even feel out of place here. Hell, I feel more disconnected from this site's user base compared to when I first signed up here.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Thinking about the next semester of classes is stressing me out so bad because there's so many things wrong with me. I want to fulfill my dreams, but if I'm too lazy to do basic tasks like taking care of myself, how am I expected to pass all my classes? I misuse OTC medication to help me get through the day, but it makes my heart hurt and race. I know what I'm doing is unhealthy, and I'm scared of the long-term consequences of abusing stimulants. However, if I don't have them, I can't bring myself to do anything

I hope I die on those stimulants so that everyone knows what they pushed me to do. I'm not being melodramatic; I'm doing whatever it takes to deliver the results people want because they would rather watch me implode than give me a break

 

[_Gollum_]

I feel weirdly....okay? July was quite bad but then suddenly the last few days were fine, idk. The randomness of it all sucks. I have no doubt I'll shoot back down. Which is fine by me, because that's where I feel comfortable. Feeling okay like this is scary.

 

[Bowerbird]

god i really want to ctb

but i cant leave yet, theres someone who needs me

 

[darksouls]

coldness in my soul

 

[NutOrat]

I don't know how to articulate these feelings emotionally so instead I will describe how it feels physically:
Weird, almost ticklish "pain?" in the chest, and weakness in the rest of the body, limbs especially. Also that suffocating lump in the throat. Also my head feels heavy, like it's being weighted down from the inside, mostly in the frontal part.
I guess that's how I feel, I don't know, I didn't think this through, which was the assignment ok I'll shut up now haha.

 

[painfully]

Always massively lonely... Nobody will ever want me...

Also Id like to play World of Warcraft but I have nobody to play with...

 

[darksouls]

lost in an endless dark void

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Overwhelmed; looking at my cumulative GPA makes me so disappointed in myself, and it just makes me realize that I truly fucked up my dreams. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like a defective product. Right now, I just wish I had some SN on me so that I could take it and call it before I disappointment both myself and anyone else more.

 

[PhDone]

Alone. So fucking alone. Damn chronic illness. Its a cage.

 

[darksouls]

my depression is wearing me down

 

[Dejected 55]

Tired. I had to go out for groceries today, which means a lot of walking which is tiring physically... but a lot of exposure to other people, and that is exhausting emotionally. Either I am stressed by interactions with people OR stressed by anticipating interactions and trying to avoid them. Either way, exhausting. I almost fell asleep a little bit ago just sitting on the couch. Some days I take short naps. It's all just too much.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I've sent a few text messages to my brother a while back and he hasn't responded to them. I'm starting to think that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I don't blame him, since I was horrible to him back when we were younger. It's all my fault if he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. That is completely within his rights. I decided to block him and now I kind of want to attempt, but I can't because my mom is up. I don't like the idea of attempting while she is home. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm such a horrible person. Idk what to do

 

[Grog]

Managing anxiety is hard, especially if you don't want to bother or burden others close to you… and I'm afraid I do it all the time… and I don't want to be a miserable, un-fun person to be around and accidentally push the people I care about away… But I'm probably just being neurotic again; I don't know…

I wish I was more capable. I wish I could do more. I wish I was impressive. I wish I was as intelligent and as effortlessly charming as them… I wish I wasn't so chronically nervous and second-guessing every word that comes out of my mouth…

I wish I was more stable…

 

[SuicidalCurryBoy]

Overwhelming sadness and self pity

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I'm such an autistic piece of garbage. I should not have been born as a burden to everyone. The world would be better off without my existence. I have no idea why I am still alive. I wish my mother had aborted this leech on society. Nobody loves me.

 

[dustymuck]

Can't bring myself to do anything... I feel tired

 

[darksouls]

suffering in isolation

 

[blood-orange]

Very lonely. I'm tired of being single. I want to be loved again, and have someone to love. I just don't know how i'm going to find it. it feels like even if i try i will probably face rejection or i just won't connect on a deep emotional level. It's been more than a year now since i broke up with my ex and have unsuccesfully dated two people. They just don't understand me like my ex did. I don't think i will ever find anyone like him again.

I'm also tired of working. It feels meaningless to me. I'm just doing it for money and to fund my existence but then i actually have nothing in my life that makes it feel like it's worth living. I don't even know if being in a relationship will fix that. I'm starting to feel as though nothing will make me happy. I'm so tempted to just go on a drug binge and ruin my life. I have people in my life who care about me so i can't do that unfortunately,

 

[SuicidalCurryBoy]

Very lonely. I'm tired of being single. I want to be loved again, and have someone to love. I just don't know how i'm going to find it. it feels like even if i try i will probably face rejection or i just won't connect on a deep emotional level. It's been more than a year now since i broke up with my ex and have unsuccesfully dated two people. They just don't understand me like my ex did. I don't think i will ever find anyone like him again.

I'm also tired of working. It feels meaningless to me. I'm just doing it for money and to fund my existence but then i actually have nothing in my life that makes it feel like it's worth living. I don't even know if being in a relationship will fix that. I'm starting to feel as though nothing will make me happy. I'm so tempted to just go on a drug binge and ruin my life. I have people in my life who care about me so i can't do that unfortunately,

Same.

Except I'm sex starved on top of love starved.

 

[darksouls]

already dead inside
only my pains reminds me that I am still alive

 

[Dejected 55]

Headache and nausea are back again the last day or so, seems worse today. I don't always know why these cycles come... but they always do. Sometimes I take something for the pain, sometimes I don't. And the world is a dreary place today. Just looking around, so much suffering and poverty and so many people who like it that way for others. And alone, always alone... no one to talk to, to confide in, no one to share things with me, to confide in me... I can't help anyone and no one is here to help me. It's all so pointless, increasingly pointless every minute of every day.

 

[darksouls]

my nightmares are wearing me down

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Recently I have been (trying) to put in the effort to repair the damage that I have caused to my own life. I thought that since I will probably not die in the near future I should try to salvage what little is left, and try to do something useful with it...

I have some of my old, and distant friends on social media. I have witnessed the friendships and relationships that they have made over the last 5 years. This crushes me emotionally, because it reminds me of what I could have had if I did not throw away everything years back. When I see them happy with their partners and new friends it makes my heart sink; now any sense of motivation for trying to repair my life has evaporated.

I want to lie down on my bed and go to sleep, but I know that this will only make my situation worse. I feel empty, lifeless, and just... defeated.

 

[darksouls]

another sleepless night