Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Thisisnotaname]

I don't always understand his logic ... He knows I don't care but it still pisses him off
And although we do not live together he knows very well what I will do but not when

 

[Electra]

I feel physical symptoms of anxiety, but the overall mood is not bad. I guess I can call it a dissonance.

 

[Cavalcade]

Incredibly annoyed. The stalker and harasser that my so called "friends" chose their desire to make friends with over my safety has been combing through my old anonymized forum history (moderators refused to delete it or the accounts) on another site and is pulling out some of my favourite obscure musical artists to present as their own unique tastes they just so happened to come across.

It's stomach turning. Pisses me off since music is super meaningful to me, and those aren't artists that have any significant mainstream presence or fan base online, so it's incredibly obvious that they're trying to imitate me- much like they had reacted furiously and vengefully when I didn't want to befriend them based solely off of the fact they thought we should be because we're both LGBT and their public attempts to "bond" over poetry (by openly pinging me and my friend and attempting to present it as if I had expressed prior interest) were rebuffed. Not to mention the creepiness of them barging into a group activity and insistently scribbling their own contribution as if anyone had invited them, to be seen in public in association awhile back. It's so goddamn creepy that even when I'm absent they're trying so hard to wear my skin. Ugh.

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

I'm only 25 and it already feels like the best years of my life are behind me.. FAR behind me. Just waiting to die out

 

[Electra]

I was okay at first, then felt this heaviness in my insides that I can't quite explain. I'm not sure whether it's anxiety, but it's gut wrenching for sure.

 

[Electra]

I'm feeling unclear today. In the morning and daytime I was pretty neutral. Then I actually felt relaxed. Rn I'm in pain. Hopefully it'll subside soon.

 

[-Link-]

HOLY ever-living FUCK, this time of year is soul-crushingly hard.

sjdfhkldhfhasdjklfhulgarhgvukarhfjklvhajklhdgj

 

[Lullaby]

I feel like such a broken record, it's kind of embarrassing.

My emotional state is really like a rollercoaster; sometimes I feel like maybe if I push hard enough, I'll have a chance to beat this and eventually have the happiness I've been chasing since I was a child…

Then other times, I feel content. I've been on here for years, but I think I'm only now just getting more comfortable with the idea of dying.

I'm a really big horror fan, and I'm not affected by fictional gore, but I've always tried to avoid looking at the real stuff. For some reason, it's been recently popping up on my Twitter feed, and I'm just…not fazed by it. I think it's me coming terms with it. I'm not sure how to explain it.

I have absolutely no one I can depend on right now; no friends, no support, etc. No one really seems to care about me or my existence.

I call people and they don't pick up.

I tweet posts, and my old e-friends don't even bother talking to me anymore.

My therapist and psychiatrist ended my services when I began ECT…

Which I don't feel has been helping. The team I work with are really nice, amazing people and doctor is really pushing me to try and do things, but I'm still incredibly unhappy. This entire process has really put things into perspective for me…I'm living and fighting — for other people.

I don't want to be here anymore. I just refuse to leave my cat behind. I'm willing to deal with the pain of losing him first before I go.

I also really don't want to hurt my mom. We've had a rocky relationship since I was a kid, but she's been there for me throughout this ECT process, and she's lost so many people over the last couple of years. I don't know.

I'm just getting more and more comfortable with the thought of dying. It's starting to scare me less and less, which is sad.

I turn 31 next Summer, and my entire life so far has been filled with drama, pain and sadness. I've had some brief periods of happiness, and I just wish that was the constant.

It's gotten to the point where I struggle not cry when outside.

I'm tired of fighting.

 

[TheHolySword]

last time i'll spend this holiday with any of you. last time i'll ever see some of you. i am broken, empty, alone. curse this miserable life. i wanted to be so much more.

 

[jbugshe]

I feel exhausted. I don't feel this low always, but I always come back to this feeling. Alternatively, you could say I always go back to being happy, i guess it is just how you look at it. But the lows are so low. Recently I have been weighing the pros and cons of continuing, and I don't know the answer. I am so so tired. I feel like I am always at war with myself and i dont know what to do.

 

[broken_doll]

I don't really know anyone else that loves movies like I do. I saw an indie one last night and ugh it was so good but I'm so sad nobody I know will ever watch it by virtue of it being. Not a big budget movie and it's not in English and. Yeah. Well. Idk I'm just sad I can't gush about it anywhere. Even when doing something solitary I apparently still want human connection. Fml

 

[kitia973]

Pretty much just the effects of chronic sleep deprivation. But I simutaneously cannot sleep, so the cycle just goes on and on.

Other than that I feel pretty numb about everything. That is probably due to being in the same closed-off environment for too long, but never attempting go outside the comfort-zone to do anything meaningful. But life is meaningless, so why should that matter?

Very tired.

 

[Hollowman]

I feel nothing I'm completely emotionaly detached.

 

[attheend13]

Numb and distant

 

[shadowsandink]

My head hurts. I don't know if it was because of insomnia, or because I hit my head hard on the fridge a few times the other day to stop my mind from thinking. Hopefully no permanent damage from concussion or anything like that.

I'm also feeling a bit sick. Hope I can recover quick so I don't feel more anxiety about falling behind in tasks.

 

[Salkak]

I feel empty and extremely sad. I worry about future and all I see is pitch black. I wanted to off myself. But I think about what would happen to my family. If I fail an attempt I won't be able to look my mother in eyes. Yesterday while buying SN, I was caught. Even though I managed to hide it but I still feel scared. Really really scared. If SN is taken away from me then I'll have to go for painful methods . Yesterday my brother was crying and telling me how much my family has sacrificed for me. That made me feel worse. My heart is feeling unbearable sadness

 

[SadRatQueen]

It's hard to explain, but it's a mixture of things. I feel empty, but not fully. I feel tired, but not tired enough to sleep. I'm both sad and anxious yet somehow also numb. It's like I exist in an endless void and no matter how hard I scream, not a single sound comes out.

 

[Su Xin]

I feel somewhat numb and just want to escape from everything. I really miss home. The holidays are coming soon—very soon.I'm so looking forward to it...

 

[Electra]

I wanna stop overthinking. I wanna stop feeling guilty about things that are so simple or beyond my reach. I want to let go of all the heaviness. I feel ambivalent.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Like I don't matter.

 

[billie]

i'm worthless

 

[Cavalcade]

Emotionally all over the place. Disgusted by the fact that they're now trying to push into my very niche collecting hobby (down to the make and model, color AND finish). Also just hideously sick and pukey. But, I did find a cool hangout space and have been having fun diving into a newish hobby, so those are good. And gave some advice to an acquaintance that was well received.

 

[Mixo]

I missed you very much and remember the nights of phone calls, exchanging music, and just spending time being young with no real direction or heavy responsibilities. I would play guitar for you and you always sat and listened with rapt attention like I was special, though I wasn't. I remember thinking you were like a real life Kathleen Hanna; not everyday you meet a girl who's the singer of a punk rock band. You were creative, unpolished, vulnerable, open, but warm and genuine. But I can see now that decades have passed and you're only a shadow of the person you used to be; your face is the same but you're largely unrecognizable now. I'm only remembering a ghost. Scary that this is what aging and growing older encompasses - that everyone and everything you've experienced only gets harshly distilled into vague memories with nothing tangible to hold onto. Nothing stays the same, no one stays the same, and time marches on and changes us all.

 

[Anon1337]

Hopeless.

 

[Promised Heaven]

I'm feeling so clear minded and normal after so many months of anxiety it's actually scary. It's only temporary though, weed has probably shut off my amygdala. Should have emotional overwhelms again in a week.

 

[CTB Dream]

this rly awfl lif wat do this rly awfl lif wat do all pain sffr no stop no psbl any no do any

 

[PoorlyTinted]

im feeling just totally stressed and empty. I haven't talked on this forum in ages. I really don't anymore because im in a much better place mentally. Today I had a really good day, I saw my girlfriend finally after 6 days and im totally psyched. but its late now and she's asleep, and for whatever reason or another my mind is just totally racing. I want to talk to her but she's asleep, I want to talk to someone but all of my friends would judge me, and they are all asleep anyways. im worried about our relationship, but I feel like its irrational, but its not. I don't know. I haven't cut myself in so long and now I want to, but I don't want her to see the scars. I need to find some way to get rid of these feelings. I have no alcohol, no weed, and I can't cut myself. I don't know what wrong. I just feel anxiety and nervous. I wanted to join the chat room and talk to people but I don't think my account is eligible for that so im just stuck here. anyways thank you for making this thread, I really needed to just type with the chance that maybe someone would read and understand how I feel. I feel a little better now. I just want to sleep, but I can't.

 

[Electra]

I'm feeling in a state between wanting to continue doing something I know I should be doing and continuing resting and doom-scrolling. Languor.

 

[sannoji]

terribly down in a way i can't describe. it will pass, i think, but that doesn't make it any easier in the moment. i don't like feeling weak. i don't like feeling that my past has power over me. nor do i like feeling trapped. i don't know what to do about any of it right now. i also don't feel fully real, but that's not too unusual for me…

 

[Quietist]

I wish I could go back to binge-drinking, because I'm maddened by sobriety and constantly being reminded of my reality.

I've been living with a narc father for almost my entire life with exceptions, and the sick dynamic of being a perpetual scapegoat with my half-brother as the golden child, and the abuse between all three of us. No matter what evil shit the half-brother does, his actions are downplayed and justified. No matter how innocuous I'm trying to be, I'm treated like the worst person on the planet.

And my body is structurally fucked right now which leaves me unemployable because I'm unqualified for any actual good jobs that wouldn't require me to stand for 8 hours or lift over 10lbs in weight. And of course, being poor in America means bottom barrel healthcare, dismissive nurse practitioners and no solutions.

Sometimes I can't even believe that I'm still here everyday, and that I haven't snapped and just bashed my head into the wall.

Like I get NO catharsis from any activity. I'm always in survival mode, fight or freeze.

Being out in the world just walking around earns me furtive, suspicious glances and wide-eyed looks as if I'm a wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. I have to put on this pathological "babified" persona just to appeal to people so that they don't view me as a threat.

So I hide away in my shithole apartment due to the shame of existing because I am tired of being fucking judged - either openly or silently.

The ageing thing is particularly brutal, but not for the reasons that men usually try to insult women with: my plight has nothing to do with fertility or being desired by males; it has to do with realizing that I have wasted so much fucking time and come to so many realizations way too late to be able to do anything about them, or live a fulfilling life.

But hindsight is 20/20, another cosmic joke against humanity.

Being a 37-year-old hikikomori leaves one with few options for progress in life.

^ There's a link in that word to a documentary on ageing hikikomori if anyone is interested.​