Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[emotion]

I feel a smidge of hope again.
But then again.....


I'm not sure what to do about my therapist. They sounded really annoyed and upset with me that I rejected her advice of going for a walk/meditating in the garden....
And I don't think they want to move forward with me. But I know walking/being outside has the opposite effect on me. Because it's incredibly stressful for me as someone with autism (and its social quirks), agoraphobia and (social) anxiety. I CAN enjoy being outside. Just not alone. It's complicated. But in general being outside makes me feel like some small, exposed, vulnerable prey and predators can swoop in at any moment. And they just can't understand that trying "walking outside" to boost mental health is just not worth all the stress for me, especially when I'm feeling super down to the point of contemplating suicide (it can take me up to 90 minutes to get the courage to go outside for a walk...and then during the walk my chest feels tight and every person I encounter feels intimidating and like a threat and exposure therapy doesn't help because the reason it's so scary is ME. Me being awkward. Me not being able to fend for myself. Me barely managing to whisper a "hi" back and upsetting the other person etc.). Or meditating outside for that matter. I try to meditate but it just never helps? It's just a distraction, but it doesn't make me feel more relaxed or whatever outcome my therapist expects. It's the same with meditating to fall asleep. As soon as the meditating is over, even if I'm drifting off... I wake up again, still hyper vigilant.

I don't have a lot of leeway w.r.t. therapists, as there just aren't many in my area and I'm bound by insurance.... so if they don't want to see me anymore, I'm kind of scared... how do I help myself on my own? How do I make sure I don't spiral?

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Me: It's time to throw in the towel. I'm just a nuance to myself and others.
Also me: *gets a job interview offer*

 

[violetforever]

familial incest makes me sicker than anything. just any familial abuse actually. i guess my thought just specifically began with incest because the sexual aspect furthers my disturbance. family is said to be everything but then what happens if you have a family like that? does that mean you have nothing? i feel like i have nothing. all of the other people with good families and friends don't want or even need people like me who have nothing. they're already happy and complete. i think i hurt my own feelings by looking to people who are complete and wishing i could be apart of their completeness or have my own completeness to relate to theirs. i'm not even sure why i'm saying this when it's been proved to me that it's more complex than that. i'm inbetween the loneliness of having no one and the realization that it's probably better this way. i'll never stop wishing and feeling empty for things that are barely or if ever possible though. oh and i'll never stop projecting my trauma onto people and situations who have nothing to do with it.

and i feel a lot like this right now:

 

[boyafraid]

I feel better and more hopeful than usual (:

Days like this only come once or twice a month though ):

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I may not be a forgettable person, but I am dismissible. :/

 

[farewell_lover]

I feel like I've been deceived. I feel naive. Inferior. Incapable. Empty.

 

[Manaaja]

Where good ends, internal violence begins.

 

[violetforever]

why does everybody eventually turn into somebody i don't know? so much that i have no choice but to remove them from my life because of the detriment they bring to it. maybe i've been naive and hoped for the best when i really should have always expected demise.

 

[violetforever]

i lay in bed scratching my arms like a distressed child and wonder why it is that nobody loves me.

 

[R-7]

Like most nights I find myself in an aura of sadness from which there is no escape.

Tooth pain and migraines keep my depression company for now though depression is the worst of it.

I do not know who I really am anymore and in place of any goals or dreams I just find myself yearning for an end -- THE end -- yet I have no idea where it will come or if it'll come as a result of me going ot CTB or not. I have good friends; great ones in fact, and I very much enjoy spending my time with them yet as soon as I'm on my own again I find myself rapidly falling apart.

Oh to be a kid again with my mind clear of these thoughts and these traumas that I have found piled on top of me.

Life sucks but I still find myself clinging to this odd and naive hope that something somewhere might get better and maybe that's the only reason I remain.

 

[CTB Dream]

this all nnsns hpn all lif this all nnsns rndm hpn make endle pain sffr

 

[Manaaja]

God is like "Do you want to be an emperor or a savior archangel?" I instantly answer savior. But says if I was a selfish, bad, evil emperor, everyone would worship and love me and agree that I own the fucking planet and everyone on it. They tell me that if I was a selfless, kind savior people would hate me, ignore me, not no who I am, or even hate me and ridicule me.

And I'm here like "Gee, do I want to be the most evil, selfish, psychopathic, narcissistic Emperor ever or the Archangel of Justice, kindness, helping? My heart says justice, but people scream "Omg, emperors are the best!"".

Curse humans. May they only have archangels of justice, never kings or emperors.

 

[darksouls]

why am I so damn brain-dead?

 

[itsgone2]

Every weekend it's the same. Brain gets hopeful friday evening. Saturday is back to bed rotting misery. Sunday the same but with dread of enduring another week. It needs to happen already. I hate this world

 

[violetforever]

how it feels to be a suicidal young woman:

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

i just want to be dead and everything i was trying to stay alive for isn't worth it i just made stupid commitments when i had hope and now im stuck alive for like like three more months because i don't want to let down people who probably don't even care

 

[AR02]

Tired, hungry, empty. Once again feeling like a waste of life.

 

[Cavalcade]

Very lonely. I've been successful in reducing my screen time drastically, I even picked up a new hobby. But I've been itching for community, and more connection beyond my one best friend. Baby steps, I suppose...

 

[violetforever]

i hate all the little ways trauma creeps into behavior and builds up stress. i remember doing these behaviors from as early as 9/10 years old. feeling dread or flinching as soon as i sense or hear a car arriving home, a key in the door, someone even slightly raising their voice, any loud noises, someone unexpectedly touching me and noticing someone is drunk/high or upset because i know they will eventually take their feelings out on me.

i'm so slow now which i also attribute as a trauma response. i barely have hope in my reading and writing abilities anymore. it's worrying me because i loved it when i was younger and did so well with it. now i recheck my writing with text to speech because focusing to read is like a strain on my brain. i make errors when taking notes. i probably said it before but it feels like symptoms of dyslexia. i've never had any problems like this before in my life though. it all appeared very recently, like beginning of school i guess? maybe i just haven't been in school for a while so i'm adjusting to doing work again and my home environment doesn't help. i feel like i'm just adjusting to existing in society in general.

 

[CTB Dream]

this wrld alws alws awfl all thng dtriort this all pain sffr noend

 

[ACorpseHeldUp]

Numb. Just always numb. Though at least sometimes I can feel sad. Right now I feel sad for/about all the people here suffering, helps me feel my own sadness a bit.

 

[emotion]

Today was harder than most days.
I cried in the bathroom stall at work. I could barely hold it in on the work floor or anywhere really.
Nearly cried on the bus to work, the bus back, on the walk home, at home....
Deep suicidal feelings.

I don't know what it means. Am I crying and thinking about ways out, because somehow the autopilot gave up?
I've been crying every day for the past 3 or so weeks when in the past few years I could barely produce a single tear.
I feel so drained and done with everything. And no one seems to care.

Usually I can find some hope, some new approach I might not have tried.... but now I'm just done.

 

[CTB Dream]

me no want sty this awfl wrld

 

[Bowerbird]

..The fuck?

I was doing just fine but then I just randomly got hit with a wave of impending doom. like for no reason. like something in my brain chemistry just randomly decided to shift.

My brain chemistry is so fucked up

 

[CTB Dream]

v awfl wrld v awfl all noend misry

 

[Eriktf]

Financially stressed
Tired
Im 4 months sober lots of thoughts about drugs
Considering ctb but not sure

 

[Bad Mojo]

I feel like the world has reshaped and reengineered my mind to be used as a weapon of abuse against me. I also don't think this is coincidental; I think this was a deliberately embedded function in something that I was exposed to. I think it is something that is broadly deployed. There are happy people I guess so who knows maybe it's just me. I'm an unreliable narrator, especially because of this.
Suicide kills two birds with one stone (literally). It ends me and it ends their influence.
It's sad. Things don't have to be this bad.

 

[Spite]

I'm crying and overwhelmed. I can't stop thinking about all the times I have fucked up in the past. All the mistakes I have made throughout my life suffocate me to this day. I feel like I don't deserve the few good things I have in my life.

 

[webb&flow]

I feel anxious for no reason to be here, I don't understand why, I feel inadequate and wrong as if I've committed some crime... I can't answer messages without getting anxious, I'm not responding because I'm cold, but my chest tightens and my throat tightens for no reason, but I think it's better if I leave, better if I don't bother anyone...

you don't bother anyone here I find your messages really lovely

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Interacting with my brother always makes me suicidal. He shames me for feeling tired, sad, mad, but then he blows up at me whenever I dare to ignore his feelings. Not only that, but he often imposes double standards on me whenever he wants something to be mad at. He left food out - to the point where he was playing video games and slept through the entire day - so I thought he wasn't intending on eating it, but when he found out it was eaten after being left out for 12 hours, he blew up saying that all I do is "sit on my ass" and stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him

This feels trivial to rant about here. Nobody wants to hear my familial drama, but I just want to starve and die. I wish I didn't have to eat. I wish I had the strength to CTB