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DiscussionWhat are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.
Thread starterRose Mirren
Start date
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I feel anxious for no reason to be here, I don't understand why, I feel inadequate and wrong as if I've committed some crime... I can't answer messages without getting anxious, I'm not responding because I'm cold, but my chest tightens and my throat tightens for no reason, but I think it's better if I leave, better if I don't bother anyone...
I feel a smidge of hope again.
But then again.....
I'm not sure what to do about my therapist. They sounded really annoyed and upset with me that I rejected her advice of going for a walk/meditating in the garden....
And I don't think they want to move forward with me. But I know walking/being outside has the opposite effect on me. Because it's incredibly stressful for me as someone with autism (and its social quirks), agoraphobia and (social) anxiety. I CAN enjoy being outside. Just not alone. It's complicated. But in general being outside makes me feel like some small, exposed, vulnerable prey and predators can swoop in at any moment. And they just can't understand that trying "walking outside" to boost mental health is just not worth all the stress for me, especially when I'm feeling super down to the point of contemplating suicide (it can take me up to 90 minutes to get the courage to go outside for a walk...and then during the walk my chest feels tight and every person I encounter feels intimidating and like a threat and exposure therapy doesn't help because the reason it's so scary is ME. Me being awkward. Me not being able to fend for myself. Me barely managing to whisper a "hi" back and upsetting the other person etc.). Or meditating outside for that matter. I try to meditate but it just never helps? It's just a distraction, but it doesn't make me feel more relaxed or whatever outcome my therapist expects. It's the same with meditating to fall asleep. As soon as the meditating is over, even if I'm drifting off... I wake up again, still hyper vigilant.
I don't have a lot of leeway w.r.t. therapists, as there just aren't many in my area and I'm bound by insurance.... so if they don't want to see me anymore, I'm kind of scared... how do I help myself on my own? How do I make sure I don't spiral?
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