Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Manaaja]

 

[corpse]

Inside I am already dead, and I am just waiting for the day when I am also dead on the outside.

 

[Defenestration]

With my borderline personality disorder and social phobia, I have difficulty with social relationships.

 

[Unlucky777]

Same thing I feel every day...

Life is just not worth living...I'm trying to find my exit like a lot of other people but it's not easy

 

[Unlucky777]

I don't have a reason to keep going but why do I keep going? All the interests and desires I had are gone and it's been this way for over 2 years. I've done absolutely jack shit and I want to do jack shit but then I feel terrible for doing jack shit. I fucking hate life and hate WTF I have become.

 

[Dejected 55]

I'm still here because I am lazy... I am unmotivated, even to seek death... I am also scared of the death I wish was here. I built up my courage and tried once, finally, thought I was going to get out of this noise... but I failed, and the days since have been a mix of detached limbo and despair over not even being able to die correctly. It's all just too much.

 

[lumene]

im mostly lethargic at the moment, trying to keep myself awake so hopefully i'll sleep longer. i'm feeling a bit hopeful as ive been less anxious the past couple days but it's hard to not feel impatient and a bit lost

 

[Unlucky777]

Pretending to be happy in front of my family and putting on a smiley face

 

[itsgone2]

I feel certain I'll need to do it soon. But then I think about if I had to force myself to do it tonight and I freeze up. Something will have to give

 

[BlendedHeart]

I have an overwhelming feeling of agony, of pain. I feel heavy in my neck and chest. It isn't a heart attack (Wish it was). It's dread, it's anxiety, it's sadness coming up alive.

I have nothing else to be but here. Thoughts of death are becoming stronger. It's calling me. Trying to concentrate on something. Impossible.

I could try to improve something. But it's meaningless. To me. To everybody else.

 

[CTB Dream]

this all pain sffr nostp this rly awfl wrld awfl unvrs

 

[Cavalcade]

Made the mistake of peering in on people who I used to know. It's a weird feeling, downgrading people that you would have happily called friends to 'people that I used to know,' and knowing that they're more or less just strangers with a distant, shared history, now. It feels sort of gutting, a hollow in the pit of my stomach.

I've noticed that as I've progressively withdrawn from my life, and obliterated traces of that existence being recorded materially: nothing much has really changed. It was all sort of meaningless. It's weird, to realize how little presence you have in others' lives.

I had a bit of a crisis episode a few days ago, and I've been wallowing in the aftermath: burnt out enough that I took the week (and will take this weekend off.) I taught myself something I've wanted to learn for years in the immediate aftermath. I'm supposed to talk to my therapist about New Years Resolutions in the new year.

I don't really have much by the way in terms of 'community.' Most days I feel like I barely exist, or have much reason to. Still, I have a best friend. I have some dream items that in theory, lay the foundation for years and years of hobby upkeep to come: why would someone who was suicidal switch over to a sustainable, refillable system? I told myself a year ago that using stickers would help. I own a pack of stickers, now.

I think I need to find a sense of purpose. I've been drifting, aimless. My creative pursuits have been much quashed. Still, I've been sitting here, crocheting a scarf: something warm to wear, something for myself, first and foremost. It's even in my favourite colour. Even as I sit here, bleak and unsure of what's on the horizon, still grappling with despair- I'm still living like someone who anticipates having a future. It's weird. It's a contradictory mess. I guess this is just what the non-linear nature of recovery looks like.

I'm very tired. My brother hasn't spoken to me in months. I know that he's alive, and doing okay, through word through our friends, but I don't know why he's chosen to do this to me. (It feels selfish to phrase it that way, but that's how I feel about the matter.) It feels like trying to put your foot down on a step that isn't there: the same jolt of pain and shock at stumbling.

A professor told me that if I wasn't already a writer, I should be. I didn't know how to tell him that I haven't written anything substantial in nearly two years, or the scrapped projects I keep trying to claw at, or the thready pulse of my journalling and writing silly stuff with my best friend. It's felt like such a loss of an integral part of my identity.

I just try to keep busy, mostly. I keep my hands occupied. But the gnawing emptiness is really getting to me.

 

[Lady_V]

I knew today would be sad. At least I waited until 12:35 am to have a panic attack. Not Christmas Day. I so rarely have panic attacks, but this panic attack led to self-harming. I haven't self-harmed in 5 years. I am a fucking failure. I couldn't find my X-Acto blade, though, so these cuts should heal. The panic attack led to self-harming, the self-harming led to a shitty attempt. I am too drunk and high to figure out the way I hung myself before. The rope I used this time was too painful. I couldn't stop making noise and my tongue was protruding from my mouth so badly. Now I have rope burns and a headache. Fantastic.

 

[darksouls]

still stucked in major depressive disorder

 

[Unlucky777]

It's 6am, it's dark and it's fucking cold out and I am going for a run. Physical movement for me is the cure for everything.

 

[Defenestration]

Happy with my family

 

[corpse]

I just want to die so that I don't have to suffer anymore and can find eternal peace.

 

[opalite_muffler]

I want to go outside so badly. I haven't done it in months. But I can't even get out of bed without feeling light headed. The holidays left me even more exhausted than usually and I'm torn between seeking something soothing like a walk in a forest, I used to adore these; and wanting to bash my head into the nearest wall until it's all stained with my blood

 

[Bowerbird]

I am a NEET who contributes nothing, and part of my mother would be secretly relieved if I were to CTB. I'm just a liability, a burden and I know it.

 

[Andarna]

Hungry...

I'm sitting in my room, hiding from the family who came to visit us. I don't want to see them, I don't want to answer their questions and I don't want to hear about how everyone around me is changing and moving forward, while I've been stuck in the same place for years.

My social anxiety is really taking its toll. I won't eat anything today because I'll see them when I go to the kitchen. So, I'll stay on an empty stomach until tomorrow. It's always like this when we have guests. I act like a scared wild animal. I'm too old for this shit, but I just can't seem to be normal.

I'm tired of myself.

 

[Defenestration]

Lazy to die

 

[BlendedHeart]

I can't be a functional human being. I can't hold a friendship, let alone a conversation. I can't concentrate on anything. My mind is messed up.

Tried to contact an old acquaintance. That failed too. Shortest "talk" ever. It's my own fault. I messed up that friendship, like every single other one.

Have no long time friend to confide with. Don't want to trauma dump to a stranger. I'm trapped.

Only thing I enjoy is to sleep. May as well be sleeping forever.

 

[Defenestration]

Loving listening im good David guetta

 

[Dejected 55]

Sometimes I'm not even depressed anymore. Just numb, accepting that this is the world I live in and this is my lot in life and this is how it is going to be unless I find a way out of the world.

 

[effervescent]

Slept poorly. My heart is pounding. I should be thankful for the consuming ache in my chest. I was too comfortable.

 

[Chocomel]

I feel so confused and out of place right now without anyone by my side

 

[justanotherbody]

I want to die. More importantly, I want things to work out with her, to lead somewhere. And if they don't, well, I'll know I gave it my best and still struck out and will just see everyone on the other side.

 

[impossible_victory]

Sleepy

 

[Forveleth]

Hot flash!

 

[BlendedHeart]

This morning I went out of my house and called the local mental health line (Didn't want my family to hear). A woman answered. Asked me what was going on, and if it was an emergency.

It wasn't an emergency, I just wanted to talk. She said she was attending to a real emergency and if she could call me back later. I sighed and said "ok". She didn't call back. Of course.

I totally expected something like that to happen, after anticipating it all night. I'm not even mad or sad. I'm laughing, with tears in my eyes. My emotions are messed up at this point.