Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[dissociation]

I need a break.

 

[Desperatelyyearning]

Hollow.

 

[dissociation]

I will isolate myself until I am ready for CTB.

 

[Dejected 55]

Still woozy from last week... ate semi-normally yesterday, though. Have to try to keep drinking more water than I normally would. But waiting for more shoes to drop. There are all the ones I know will drop, then ones like what happened to me last week are just waiting to surprise me always. I am so beyond giving a fuck.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Does anyone know how to bypass/trick Lockdown Browser w/webcam?

 

[dissociation]

Decisions have always been difficult for me, but I think I will definitely CTB.

 

[Dejected 55]

Malaise and angst and anxiety and fear and sadness and despair and loneliness and exhaustion and desperation and disappointment.

 

[LighthouseHermit]

I have made the decision today to be the bigger person.

Not only to defend myself, but also those involved. It's just better that way for everyone.

I feel that this is a good decision.

 

[westerly_merlin]

I need to stop feeling responsible for everything going on around me, I need to concentrate on fixing mysel.

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

Over a decade of relentless struggle was just reset because some bitch couldn't shut her fucking mouth. I spend years in school trying to get to uni and that's all reset simply because some cunt can't shut her fucking mouth and wants to create problems where there aren't any. I didn't say any bad slurs. No, I made jokes with a friend in private and this bitch shoves her nose in, demands I censor myself for no fucking reason, stands over me demanding to know what I wrote on a piece of paper, then calls my mother, lies and says I have a Hitler screensaver. This was a lie and if that rat-faced cunt took five seconds she'd know that. This is all too much and I break down crying from the stress. I'm rightly stressed. My whole life has been spent being pestered by these cunts who don't leave me alone. As a child, I was clearly troubled. These cunt school officials didn't care about that. What they cared about waht was whether I pretended sticks were guns at play or whether I sang in assembly. Fucking horseshit. And then these cunts, in an institution where I'm meant to be treated like an adult, get mad at me for reading the news from reputable sites, and fucking making jokes. Then these cunts lie. It's too much and I break down crying. How do they reply to me breaking down crying? Sending me home and then denying me weeks of education. They don't send the work over. Then when I tell them that if I have to lose all this progress I've made, that I spent years struggling for, I'll kill myself, they get all worried. Now what happened? They kicked me out. Yeah, they kicked me out. What do I do? I want to die. I'm too much off a weak pussy to do it. Everything has gone to shit. A decade of struggle reset because some rat faced cunt couldn't shut her fucking mouth and quit making issues about tame jokes that had nothing to do with her. What do I do? What do I do? I'm so lost and miserable.

 

[EmptyBottle]

A decade of struggle reset because some rat faced cunt couldn't shut her fucking mouth and quit making issues about tame jokes that had nothing to do with her. What do I do? What do I do? I'm so lost and miserable.

Consider reporting that person anonymously, send letters. If that fails, be creative but legal.

As for me, I feel lots of congestion and nasal irritation (maybe dust?). At least the headache is gone after a Panadol (500mg).

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

I feel like shouting. Going on a hike. See a movie. Eat buffet. I'm full of thoughts, yet empty.

 

[itsgone2]

Supposed to be at work. Still in bed. Need a half day. Feels like failure. This is happening every week.

 

[MissAbyss]

Extremely tired, going back to sleep.

"Sleep is good, death is better; but of course, the best thing would to have never been born at all."
- Heinrich Heine

 

[Dejected 55]

Weary, bleary eyed, not a lot of energy, no desire to use the energy I have. Wonder if there's mail, don't care if there is. Some businesses want to get in touch with me, for the money, I have no money, I don't engage. Everything is closing in now, slowly but surely. I have to be vigilant so I'm not surprised with final outcomes that derail my hopes of exit. The end must really be near now. Part of me still aches for rescue, hopes to be saved, knowing there's no way I will be.

 

[Kurwenal]

Tired and sick and empty. I started today with a particularly bad start, as the first thing I did was open this forum and watching part of the Channel 4 documentary posted elsewhere on this site. It just made me so sick and realize that I'm so alone. I'm sure that's some form of self-sabotage, as I should have known it would have made me feel awful before even clicking on it. But I bring my own misery with me. I don't think I'll eat today. Nothing really worth eating in the house anyway, but I just can't deal with the process of getting up, standing in the kitchen, all those things that to anyone sane are just 'nothing' events but to me are insurmountable obstacles. I'll probably spend the morning aimlessly browsing the forum, throwing in my unwanted opinion as the mood strikes, then trying unsuccessfully to doze once my phone battery runs out in a few hours. I had almost convinced myself last night that I'd try to turn on my Switch today and do something with it, as talking about games with some other users in a different thread made me miss playing things I enjoy, for a brief moment. But then the day broke and any empty promises I made to myself crumbled away, as always.

Some days I tell myself I'll learn a new recipe. Or that I'll listen to a new album. I might unpack an old favourite board game and have a playthrough. Sometimes I get even more grandiose and delusional. I occasionally tell myself I'll actually set about learning one of the languages I never had the chance to study at my university. I never, ever follow through. I have only myself to blame for that, and for everything. Wallowing in self-pity is so comforting and so distressing, all at once. I hate being self-aware, knowing that I am the architect of the miserable existence that keeps coming back, day after day. If I could blame others, if I could blame external circumstances, I could just feel sorry for myself. But I know I'm the problem. And I don't change. So I'm cursed with the self-awareness, but not the fortitude to actually do anything about it. I know I'm the problem. I know the only solution is death. But even that I'm too weak to fight for. Hopefully soon.

 

[Self Medicated]

Tired, trapped angry and afraid. Swinging between not wanting to die and not wanting to live and gritting my teeth till the weekend rolls around. And trying to forget that Monday will be here again in the blink of an eye.

Tired and sick and empty. I started today with a particularly bad start, as the first thing I did was open this forum and watching part of the Channel 4 documentary posted elsewhere on this site. It just made me so sick and realize that I'm so alone. I'm sure that's some form of self-sabotage, as I should have known it would have made me feel awful before even clicking on it. But I bring my own misery with me. I don't think I'll eat today. Nothing really worth eating in the house anyway, but I just can't deal with the process of getting up, standing in the kitchen, all those things that to anyone sane are just 'nothing' events but to me are insurmountable obstacles. I'll probably spend the morning aimlessly browsing the forum, throwing in my unwanted opinion as the mood strikes, then trying unsuccessfully to doze once my phone battery runs out in a few hours. I had almost convinced myself last night that I'd try to turn on my Switch today and do something with it, as talking about games with some other users in a different thread made me miss playing things I enjoy, for a brief moment. But then the day broke and any empty promises I made to myself crumbled away, as always.

Some days I tell myself I'll learn a new recipe. Or that I'll listen to a new album. I might unpack an old favourite board game and have a playthrough. Sometimes I get even more grandiose and delusional. I occasionally tell myself I'll actually set about learning one of the languages I never had the chance to study at my university. I never, ever follow through. I have only myself to blame for that, and for everything. Wallowing in self-pity is so comforting and so distressing, all at once. I hate being self-aware, knowing that I am the architect of the miserable existence that keeps coming back, day after day. If I could blame others, if I could blame external circumstances, I could just feel sorry for myself. But I know I'm the problem. And I don't change. So I'm cursed with the self-awareness, but not the fortitude to actually do anything about it. I know I'm the problem. I know the only solution is death. But even that I'm too weak to fight for. Hopefully soon.

This sounds remarkably like one of my days and I'm still here at an age I can no longer call "middle". The good news is things do get better. The bad news is they can also get worse. But so far I've found if you can hang in there long enough they can swing back around to better. I'm currently in a worse cycle waiting for a better. Venting here seems to help.
We all wallow to some extent and trust me having external circumstances doesn't make much difference, (you still feel invalid and blame yourself and beat yourself up). I used to think it did when I saw the rich and famous being miserable and ODing and what not, but depressed is depressed, it doesn't need an outside reason.
You say you're too weak to kill yourself but maybe it's more like you know suicide is an option and you're strong enough not to use it just yet.
If I've got you all wrong give me a rant. Gotta love a good rant to get things off your chest.

 

[Kurwenal]

This sounds remarkably like one of my days and I'm still here at an age I can no longer call "middle". The good news is things do get better. The bad news is they can also get worse. But so far I've found if you can hang in there long enough they can swing back around to better. I'm currently in a worse cycle waiting for a better. Venting here seems to help.
We all wallow to some extent and trust me having external circumstances doesn't make much difference, (you still feel invalid and blame yourself and beat yourself up). I used to think it did when I saw the rich and famous being miserable and ODing and what not, but depressed is depressed, it doesn't need an outside reason.
You say you're too weak to kill yourself but maybe it's more like you know suicide is an option and you're strong enough not to use it just yet.
If I've got you all wrong give me a rant. Gotta love a good rant to get things off your chest.

Thank you for reaching out. It's very kind of you. Part of the problem, for me, is actually when things do get better, for a while. I then live in constant dread and fear, because I know it will turn back to hell and the fall is all the greater for it. So I don't even manage to enjoy what would be the 'good times' because I can only see the inevitable darkness that awaits afterwards. I'm sorry you're in one of the worse cycles at present. I sincerely hope it does get to a better one for you soon.

Thank you for your kind words. I'd be lying if I said they'll truly sink in, because I'm a deeply negative person and I will always find a way to twist kindness into something awful. But when I can manage it, I do try to appreciate the kindness other people show, because it can sometimes give a glimmer of hope that the world isn't completely and irredeemably awful.

Thank you for thinking for your part that I'm strong. I spend most days trying to figure out the one concrete reason why I don't have a proper attempt now, knowing now more that would improve my success chances than I did a few years back. I don't know that I have an answer for why I'm not dead yet. I don't know that I ever will. I personally don't think it's any form of strength.

I hope when the weekend comes, it can bring you something you wish for. Be it a moment of actual happiness, or just simply rest, I hope you get even a brief moment for yourself where you don't have to think about Monday, but can just think about yourself, and hopefully, in a positive light. I wish you the very best.

 

[FinalDestiny]

Drained. Exhausted. Angry. Lonely. So many feelings right now. Nowhere to let it out.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Feeling regular neutral, as I spend ages online. Feels slightly nice tbh, tho at times gets slightly dull.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't have the energy to get food and, I need food to give me energy.

 

[lurk]

Adrift

 

[Dejected 55]

Walls slowly closing in on me... knowing there's no way out but one... somehow a part of me still clinging to hope for being rescued, saved, by someone who will never do that... I am a walking waste of life, a shining example of everything not to be or do... and I can't even fail myself out of this world properly. I'm still a coward.

 

[Irisse]

I am so angry at myself. I binged sweets after three weeks of eating healthy. I should have cleaned my room but I have no energy. I also didn't prepare for tomorrow's class. Tomorrow I'm taking the neighbourhood cat to the vet as she has mandibular abscess but I'm worried about how much it will cost.

 

[Zen0]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

Word for word, that emptiness you describe is what I feel(or more like don't feel). I've had this feeling for a while too now after some major events occurred in my life. I don't really care much about anything anymore. Whatever happens, happens. I've thought about ending it, came close a few times, obviously didn't tho. My only reason to live rn is because i know my death causes pain, even if i don't always believe it, i know it.

 

[Bowerbird]

I feel like it's inevitable I'm gonna CTB one day, even if it's 50 years from now. I might be able to delay it and hold on and live a mostly normal lifespan, but I won't be surprised if CTB is the way I go out. I have so many risk factors stacked up, and I definitely inherited the mental illness genes that run rampant in my bloodline, like some kind of fucky heirloom.

 

[Manaaja]

A certain group when they see abusers:
A certain group when they see abused:

 

[MapleS]

scared and frustrated

 

[Dejected 55]

I can't even put it fully into words... I keep learning more and more that says my life should be completely different, and yet it is not... and it isn't going to be... and it makes no sense... and I see reasons why it should be much better, but it isn't... and nothing I say or do matters... I can't.

 

[a.hamza.13]

I'm thinking what's the right thing to do? I can't bear this agony. I'm thinking it's better to CTB than to suffer.