Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Squiddy]

Today I'm feeling like shit. The only thing going for me is my 100 days free of self harm. I really wish for death right now. Idk why.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i wish i had everything i needed to ctb. i wish i could die peacefully. i wish there wasn't a single trace of me. i wish i was never born.
being human is a sin. it's the greatest sin. this isn't coming from a religious point of view. humans are inherently sinful. they're greedy, heartless, and cruel just because it's fun for them. it gives them a rush like no other.
i want to atone for being human. ctb is the only way i can atone. shouldn't atoning for your sins be a good thing? then why am i forced to live in this world? to dance for other people, only to be laughed at or ignored or beaten? why do i exist? i am a sinful creature. i know i don't deserve a peaceful or painless death, but i want it. i want it so bad.

 

[Cry]

Just Empty

 

[LivedTooLong]

Nearing the end. Volatile, dysphoric, disconnected.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I'm feeling like I'm getting duly punished for breaking my own rule - not to trust and/or love. But I broke that rule and the consequence is anguish, longing, regret, embarrassment, shame and a desire to ctb so badly that I'm shaking. When it finally comes, if - no, when - I feel like this it wont take much for me to just take it and get one hell out of the way for another one. Just let me leave this one where there is always foolish hope of things getting better; in the next hell, that's it. It's permanent. Eternal damnation. I think I've earned at least that.

 

[pennylanefinaltake]

majorly stressed

 

[SterileMoth]

Tired
I just want to be numb and floaty
High on something that makes me go away for a bit
Either sleep my day away or drown in euphoric bliss
I don't want to be sober or awake
I don't want to be here
I don't want to feel
I wish I could just float away even if it was just for a bit
Forget all this and live in a dream bubble
Just want some kind of drug to get me high and pain free
Addiction or death or sleep
Floaty
Free
For a few hours

 

[foxdie]

Alienated. Completely humiliated and at a loss for how to find function in this world. I'm so lost but ready to end it all.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I don't know!!! I'm anxious. Very anxious; probably because I can't tell how I feel. I'm excited that I have the SN now. It's here and I just need to wait for the right time. But my head is swirling with people and it's driving me crazy. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

[Shinkansen]

I wish my life was just a bad dream.

 

[ritsulover]

feel like pure death I dont wanna be here. yesterday I took a lot of dextroamphetamine for the first time and that was a bad decision. i need to get off the drugs or just die already

 

[AllReturnsToNothing]

I called a local community mental health clinic today to try to get therapy. I called several hours ago and the answering machine got it. I gave my name, number, and my reason but I'm just so upset I didn't get someone to actually answer. The clinic would have just closed so I won't be getting a call back today. Probably busy dealing with people worry about covid. People thinking about how covid is gonna destroy the world like I'VE FELT LIKE THaT FOR AT LEAST 11 YEARS. HALF OF MY LIFE. I know its toxic to compare people's struggles, but covid for me is just a Tuesday. It's just a tiny piece of straw on top of the camels back that had been broken trying to heft two-ton boulders up the mountain for a decade. I'm just so tired. Even when I wanna suck it up and be brave and reach out to get better i'm met with radio silence. This really is just a cruel fucking joke.

 

[SnowWhite]

Lonely, yet unable to talk to anybody. Idk, it's like being broke but feeling unable to go to work

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Sad. Can't sleep but I want to. I want to forget everything for a little while. I also don't want to wake up in the morning. Maybe the universe will be kind to me and finally answer my prayers.

 

[HowSoonIsNow]

I'm super nervous and having muscle spasms, I'm getting angry

 

[Deleted member 18655]

In the middle of the (sleepless) night I came to a decision that I need to get out of my trauma group. Creatively since they know about my Plan. It starts in just over a week. I can't handle the flashbacks that I've been going through once every other week over Zoom in our "drop in" meetings. 15 weeks of face-to-face programmed meetings will do my head right in. I got a spot in it because I've been abused on and off since I was 4 but I'm fine for the most part. It's for victims of trafficking too - they need the spot more than I do. Someone who will benefit from the group, someone who is destined to be in a relationship and try for a family - not a recluse who doesn't want that. And someone who hasn't deserved to be treated like this. I did deserve it. I do deserve it. I've accepted this latest round now. It's all good. Plus, with any amount of courage, I won't be here much longer anyways. So someone should have my spot in the group from the first meeting.

The next few days will be figuring out how to bow out gracefully without suspicion.

 

[miseryh8scompany]

exhausted, weak, frustrated

 

[Irishman]

Emptiness

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Feeling ready to give up

 

[Lilacmoon]

closer and closer. the fight gets harder each day.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I am under a shitfuckton of stress literally every single day because I have not much longer to live and I also have other stresses that are compounding matters even more such as personal responsibilities and acting like I'm not going to CTB. I am dysfunctional yet I still have to take one of my parents on a long errand tomorrow which is going to be extremely unpleasant. I am under constant threat that my intentions will be revealed before the time comes and that adds even more stress. To make matters unbearably worse my methods of self-medication are losing efficacy because of tolerance build up so I feel like I am feeling like utter dogshit nearly every hour of the day save for maybe 2 or 3 hours. I couldn't get a decent night's rest if my life depended on it. I've had so many god awful experiences these past couple of years that were nothing like before and it's been driving me insane. So much damage has been done that could not be undone in such a short amount of time. I can only stand back in awe for all the lifelong catastrophes that have happened so far within that relatively short time span. It feels like this is all just a terrible nightmare but it feels all too real at the same time.

 

[Sherri]

Hopeless, and lonely. My choice, couldn't stand trivial people.

 

[ItsOverIsntIt]

Anxious and empty. Annoyed at my brother, he needs to shut the hell up and leave me alone. I dont want to deal with his bullshit

 

[alfie]

anxious

 

[http-410]

Nothing.

 

[Georgii]

Confused .. about this ,about that,about myself..about everything

 

[catalepsy]

Arrr.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

I feel drained, I feel chaotic. My dreams are really vivid and it worries me because I'm starting to believe that they're not internally generated, which I know is a warning sign of schizophrenia or something similar. I'm constantly on the precipice of a really bad mental state, a kind of internal judgment day where everything comes together and it's this dark, messy place and I devolve into something less than human. And I'm scared that it won't go away when I die.

I'm just so fragile now. I can't take any heat. Everything just presses itself on me no matter how small it is. I'm losing control. I've always lived in my head and I used to be okay with it until it turned out to be this bad place and there's nowhere to go because the world isn't that much better in general.

It feels like my mind is being used as an incubation chamber for a monster, and like I'm about to give birth and trying to hold it in.

 

[deadgirlahsatan]

PAIN

 

[Lilacmoon]

im starting to forget how to fake normal and it frightens me.