soulkitty
Just a shell of who I once was.
- Apr 6, 2024
- 496
I actually feel good rn somehow!!!?
-
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Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 19,245
Drunk! I talked about it a little on my status but I'm currently waiting in my car to sober up before heading home. I want to use this space to dedicate it to my crush. Who I love as much as I can love someone I barely know. I mean the little I do know about her, she seems very cool! And nice! And she's tough and confident but also has a sense of weariness and cynicism that I can relate to! The other day she joked about wanting to die because our work sucks. That's the kind of shit that endears me. I wish I could express more. I want to know all about her so I could find even more things to love about her. I don't care if this is some stupid limerence effect. I'm calling it love now because rather than make it about me I just want the opportunity to really make her feel loved and appreciated for how she makes me feel.
Ugh. Listen to me. I mean every word of it but that doesn't mean it isn't a little cringe and sappy! I'm a little apprehensive still because I KNOW some other girls at work have been staring at me and may feel jealous. Why the fuck do I keep attracting people I don't feel anything back for? These girls are like in their late teens and early 20s. Too young for me. They probably don't even realize I'm 30. Just because I got a stupid haircut I don't even like now suddenly everyone keeps telling me I'm hot shit. Oh but if she likes it I'm okay with it. I love her so much. Why does drinking always make me so wordy?
Aw man and that's not even getting into the fact I'm talking about this on the suicide forum. I know other incels will be jealous of my self. Even non incels from this site might be jealous of my happiness and capacity for optimism. I'm so sorry to all of you. I really don't mean to offend anyone. I love all of you, even the ones who've annoyed me or the ones who don't like me. I want people to find relief from their suffering, that's why this place has such an appeal. I am so sorry.
Ugh. Listen to me. I mean every word of it but that doesn't mean it isn't a little cringe and sappy! I'm a little apprehensive still because I KNOW some other girls at work have been staring at me and may feel jealous. Why the fuck do I keep attracting people I don't feel anything back for? These girls are like in their late teens and early 20s. Too young for me. They probably don't even realize I'm 30. Just because I got a stupid haircut I don't even like now suddenly everyone keeps telling me I'm hot shit. Oh but if she likes it I'm okay with it. I love her so much. Why does drinking always make me so wordy?
Aw man and that's not even getting into the fact I'm talking about this on the suicide forum. I know other incels will be jealous of my self. Even non incels from this site might be jealous of my happiness and capacity for optimism. I'm so sorry to all of you. I really don't mean to offend anyone. I love all of you, even the ones who've annoyed me or the ones who don't like me. I want people to find relief from their suffering, that's why this place has such an appeal. I am so sorry.
shtangley01
Member
- Apr 28, 2024
- 12
Tikialia
I became the person I swore I'd never become
- May 7, 2023
- 62
i feel worried that i won't be able to find a peaceful ctb method. if i have to resort to something more dramatic i will but i feel sad about it and of course less pain is desirable right? im thinking i may have to do drowning as i can't swim anyway and there's no turning back from that.
cinderdust
aspiring an hero
- Apr 27, 2024
- 10
Pretty bad. I'm tired of jumping through hoops for nothing in return. I'm trying to tell myself that nothing really matters since I'll be ctb someday in the near future (hopefully), so it's not worth stressing over little things. But every new day is just a reminder of what could've been, and it still manages to get me down.
QueerMelancholy
Experienced
- Jul 29, 2023
- 295
I feel like a bologna sandwich someone forgot in their car.
Serial Experi Pain
Member
- Sep 12, 2023
- 58
Hadn't been here in a whiiiile. Things never got any better, but they never got any worse- until just recently. My life is going to change in a way I don't know if I can live with. The pain and trauma so far were bad enough, but I'm not sure how I'll recover from this. I don't know how to not feel like a failure. How to not feel like a massive burden. I can think of a hundred ways the few people directly connected to me would likely benefit from me no longer existing, no matter how hard I tried to do the very best I could for everyone. I don't know how to pick up the pieces after carrying so much for so long. I'm all alone, and I can't be alone anymore, but there's no one.
I tell the few people who know me and they tell me all about their problems, and I listen and calmly give them the best advice I can. I still feel guilt stricken enough that I feel it get painfully stuck in my throat, and then enough to weigh on my chest because- "It's not enough. I haven't done enough. I didn't do enough. I never was enough, never will be and I've always KNOWN it".
I kept "taking things one day at a time". Kept hoping for some justice in this world. Kept hoping for some peace... It makes me sick to think about it because it's the most popular answer and option given to me when I don't ask for it. I finish the phrase before it escapes the mouth of whoever is the process of saying it in order to shut me up- "It will get better". I've gotten to the point where I tell people in tears that they said that to me at least a year ago (many times and years before as well, lol), and of course I say, "and here we are now and It's only gotten worse". No matter how long this goes on or what they witness me going through, they forever make that argument- and I hate being right.
They're not going to get better.
I tell the few people who know me and they tell me all about their problems, and I listen and calmly give them the best advice I can. I still feel guilt stricken enough that I feel it get painfully stuck in my throat, and then enough to weigh on my chest because- "It's not enough. I haven't done enough. I didn't do enough. I never was enough, never will be and I've always KNOWN it".
I kept "taking things one day at a time". Kept hoping for some justice in this world. Kept hoping for some peace... It makes me sick to think about it because it's the most popular answer and option given to me when I don't ask for it. I finish the phrase before it escapes the mouth of whoever is the process of saying it in order to shut me up- "It will get better". I've gotten to the point where I tell people in tears that they said that to me at least a year ago (many times and years before as well, lol), and of course I say, "and here we are now and It's only gotten worse". No matter how long this goes on or what they witness me going through, they forever make that argument- and I hate being right.
They're not going to get better.
Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 19,245
Bout to drink again but this time by myself and in my own home just like last week. Wish me luck.
I feel like I have to after today.
I feel like I have to after today.
ikilog
Member
- Jun 6, 2023
- 13
HereTomorrow
eternally atoning
- Feb 1, 2024
- 196
Oh my God. My brain waking me every hour from 05:00 to 09:00 in sweats from a different bad dream. I'm too tired for this. I need to sleep. I have a shift soon. I'm tired.
EvisceratedJester
|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
- Oct 21, 2023
- 1,216
I was starting to grow aware of the fact that Dad is a bit of a scumbag but after talking with my mom due to my attitude earlier today I ended up finding out how much of a scumbag he is. I love my dad still and I know that he cares about me but I also can't help but slightly loathe him. Since I've become an adult it seems as though he's now taking the opportunity to be more open with his shittiness and his issues. He's sent text messages before to me talking about killing my mom and stepmother, along with saying all sorts of nonsense about them (especially my mom) being greedy. He talks to me about all his issues, including things that make me uncomfortable, like when he talked about how he thinks he might be becoming an alcoholic.
Bits of his abusive self have reared its head before. An example of this was when he screamed at me when I was 14 and blamed me for him getting evicted and then got all surprised when after finding out that my suicide attempt (from when I was 15) was partly because I felt guilty over his eviction. It also turns out that my dad never properly paid for my child support and when my mom asked for some money for the trip he purposely underpaid for it and pocketed part of the money. At the time, I assumed he had taken out a bit of extra cash for himself but now I know better. Mom says that was very abusive and I'm starting to see it.
I love my mom and I've come to appreciate her even more after finding out how much stuff she did for me growing up, but I also can't help but feel slightly frustrated with her. How am I supposed to open up to someone who never truly gave me the room to do so when I was younger? The same person who used to beat me with a belt and who has threatened to kick me out on a few occasions? I don't care if she used corporal punishment as a disciplinary tool nor do I care about the fact that she made sure to never do it hard enough to leave any bruises. You don't act aggressively toward someone growing up and then expect them to magically open up to you and listen to you in adulthood. Why would I want to open up to the same person who used to beat me for allowing my stepmother to do my hair and only stopped after (probably) being threatened to have CPS called on her (not that my stepmother did it out of care for me. She just really hates my mom for some reason). She still tends to blame our rough relationship on her being the real parent, rather than taking the time to reflect on her past parenting and how that may have impacted our relationship. I still get paranoid about her hitting me despite her having stopped doing so years ago. But then again, neither she nor Dad wants to take part of the blame for my declining mental health. They always blame each other for it.
I don't want to open up to my mom or dad. That crosses a boundary for me and if I don't want to talk about my feelings with them then that's fine. I'd prefer to see a professional who I can vent to instead.
The doctor today pointed out my sh scars and talked about listening to your parents and stuff. He was a nice guy but there is something so rude and inconsiderate about pointing out someone's sh scars and then proceeding to lecture at them about it despite having no qualifications to do so and not being asked to do so. A better response would have been to just ask if I was still doing it and then recommend some resources or make sure that I am seeing/going to see someone about it. Having someone do that to you, whether with good intentions or not, is incredibly embarrassing and can make you feel so uncomfortable. His lecture largely revolved around listening to your parents, which isn't a surprise since he was a father. Parents seem to have this tendency to lecture at you and think that they know everything when they are just as clueless as the next person. Do not give some lecture about listening to your parents to someone who does/used to sh. Don't say anything at all outside of any needed information for that matter. If you aren't a mental health professional or someone who has self-harmed before then you have no qualifications to say shit to any self-harmers. Along with that, finding out that I'm 131 lbs, really put me in a bad mood. I'm probably going to try and improve my eating habits to lose the extra weight. I'm tall (5'7) so I understand that 131 lbs are still within the healthy weight range for me but I'd still like to lose it.
I'm going to try and enjoy the trip. I've been falling back into my old way of thinking again and I don't like it. Sometimes I acknowledge it when it's happening but it can be so comforting and so easy to just stay in that box that I don't bother trying to get out of it, even when I know that I can easily climb out. I'm kind of just ruining my trip, tbh. It's funny because even my mom acknowledged that I seemed to have been doing better before now. I understand that there will probably be some setbacks, but I knew this going into this journey. I can't beat myself up for it. I just need to try and find it in me to keep on moving forward. I think the heat is getting to me a bit. Hotter temperatures have been shown to increase irritability, so that might be a factor in my increasingly bad mood. I'm still largely to blame for it though. I'm feeling better at the moment so I'll try to enjoy my trip some more. I'm still learning to properly cope with my emotions and let go of my negative feelings. I seem to get set off so easily sometimes.
Also, turns out the rash I got was because of the water being dirty at the beach, and the doctor prescribed me some meds to help with it. He says I can still go out swimming and just make sure to go to a cleaner beach (one where the water can properly replenish), so that's good.
Bits of his abusive self have reared its head before. An example of this was when he screamed at me when I was 14 and blamed me for him getting evicted and then got all surprised when after finding out that my suicide attempt (from when I was 15) was partly because I felt guilty over his eviction. It also turns out that my dad never properly paid for my child support and when my mom asked for some money for the trip he purposely underpaid for it and pocketed part of the money. At the time, I assumed he had taken out a bit of extra cash for himself but now I know better. Mom says that was very abusive and I'm starting to see it.
I love my mom and I've come to appreciate her even more after finding out how much stuff she did for me growing up, but I also can't help but feel slightly frustrated with her. How am I supposed to open up to someone who never truly gave me the room to do so when I was younger? The same person who used to beat me with a belt and who has threatened to kick me out on a few occasions? I don't care if she used corporal punishment as a disciplinary tool nor do I care about the fact that she made sure to never do it hard enough to leave any bruises. You don't act aggressively toward someone growing up and then expect them to magically open up to you and listen to you in adulthood. Why would I want to open up to the same person who used to beat me for allowing my stepmother to do my hair and only stopped after (probably) being threatened to have CPS called on her (not that my stepmother did it out of care for me. She just really hates my mom for some reason). She still tends to blame our rough relationship on her being the real parent, rather than taking the time to reflect on her past parenting and how that may have impacted our relationship. I still get paranoid about her hitting me despite her having stopped doing so years ago. But then again, neither she nor Dad wants to take part of the blame for my declining mental health. They always blame each other for it.
I don't want to open up to my mom or dad. That crosses a boundary for me and if I don't want to talk about my feelings with them then that's fine. I'd prefer to see a professional who I can vent to instead.
The doctor today pointed out my sh scars and talked about listening to your parents and stuff. He was a nice guy but there is something so rude and inconsiderate about pointing out someone's sh scars and then proceeding to lecture at them about it despite having no qualifications to do so and not being asked to do so. A better response would have been to just ask if I was still doing it and then recommend some resources or make sure that I am seeing/going to see someone about it. Having someone do that to you, whether with good intentions or not, is incredibly embarrassing and can make you feel so uncomfortable. His lecture largely revolved around listening to your parents, which isn't a surprise since he was a father. Parents seem to have this tendency to lecture at you and think that they know everything when they are just as clueless as the next person. Do not give some lecture about listening to your parents to someone who does/used to sh. Don't say anything at all outside of any needed information for that matter. If you aren't a mental health professional or someone who has self-harmed before then you have no qualifications to say shit to any self-harmers. Along with that, finding out that I'm 131 lbs, really put me in a bad mood. I'm probably going to try and improve my eating habits to lose the extra weight. I'm tall (5'7) so I understand that 131 lbs are still within the healthy weight range for me but I'd still like to lose it.
I'm going to try and enjoy the trip. I've been falling back into my old way of thinking again and I don't like it. Sometimes I acknowledge it when it's happening but it can be so comforting and so easy to just stay in that box that I don't bother trying to get out of it, even when I know that I can easily climb out. I'm kind of just ruining my trip, tbh. It's funny because even my mom acknowledged that I seemed to have been doing better before now. I understand that there will probably be some setbacks, but I knew this going into this journey. I can't beat myself up for it. I just need to try and find it in me to keep on moving forward. I think the heat is getting to me a bit. Hotter temperatures have been shown to increase irritability, so that might be a factor in my increasingly bad mood. I'm still largely to blame for it though. I'm feeling better at the moment so I'll try to enjoy my trip some more. I'm still learning to properly cope with my emotions and let go of my negative feelings. I seem to get set off so easily sometimes.
Also, turns out the rash I got was because of the water being dirty at the beach, and the doctor prescribed me some meds to help with it. He says I can still go out swimming and just make sure to go to a cleaner beach (one where the water can properly replenish), so that's good.
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Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 19,245
I feel like I messed up somehow yesterday. Or maybe she just realized something about me. Or maybe I'm just overthinking again. I'm tempted to get drunk again tonight which would make it the third night in a row. I hope it's not the start of some stupid addiction.
Myforevercharlie
Global Mod
- Feb 13, 2020
- 2,585
Sleepy. On the threshold between being awake and sleeping.
Yuina
Member
- Apr 13, 2024
- 89
I'm so sleepy, and kind of empty. I can't wait for nighttime.
Saturn_
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
- Apr 22, 2024
- 145
Everything I need is coming in. All the pieces are falling into place. There is no one and nothing to get in my way this time. I am going to die.
Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 19,245
Okay I broke my streak and did not drink any alcohol. At least I have some self control I guess. I'm also gonna try to go through tonight without having eaten any dinner because I also want to start losing weight in case I'm miraculously successful in romancing the person I am attracted to. People at my work think I'm actually kind of skinny but I'm actually just good at wearing clothes that makes me seem thinner than I am. In fact I still have a big stomach and I know losing that is the hardest thing so I'm going to at least try to starve myself by trying to eat just one meal a day to see if that goes down. All for her.
cgrtt.brns
wandering ghost (he/him)
- Apr 19, 2023
- 829
feeling guilty for not opening a message from a friend. i kinda thought they hated me and moved on bc we havent talked in ages, but they asked me how ive been and im too scared to open the message and reply for some reason. part of me just doesnt want to talk to anyone rn, and another part of me just doesnt want to talk about how ive been doing, bc its not great, but i dont like telling friends that, so id just lie and say im ok anyway. but the longer i leave it the more guilty ill feel. i just dont want to talk to anyone rn.
on another note my therapist told me to make a weekly schedule so i can force myself to do hobbies again. i made one and im dreading actually having to use it bc my brain keeps telling me ill just fail anyway bc im a lazy piece of shit. ill have to actively chose to do the things ive scheduled in, and thats rly hard for some reason. even if its things that should be fun like drawing, it just feels scary. idk if its gonna work. im worried that if it does work ill end up even less likely to ctb and that terrifies me. idk wtf im doing anymore. or why im doing it. i just feel like everyone expects me to get better but all i rly want is to not exist. but no one seems to understand thats my actual want and not just my mental illness telling me that. or is it. i dont even know anymore. i just dont know anything.
on another note my therapist told me to make a weekly schedule so i can force myself to do hobbies again. i made one and im dreading actually having to use it bc my brain keeps telling me ill just fail anyway bc im a lazy piece of shit. ill have to actively chose to do the things ive scheduled in, and thats rly hard for some reason. even if its things that should be fun like drawing, it just feels scary. idk if its gonna work. im worried that if it does work ill end up even less likely to ctb and that terrifies me. idk wtf im doing anymore. or why im doing it. i just feel like everyone expects me to get better but all i rly want is to not exist. but no one seems to understand thats my actual want and not just my mental illness telling me that. or is it. i dont even know anymore. i just dont know anything.
untothedepths
I am falling I am fading I have lost it all
- Mar 20, 2023
- 293
Had a hollow day of happiness yesterday reliving nostalgia, and then my body decided I won't sleep for 24 hours. Starting to hear auditory hallucinations. Mood is what it really is. Down. Back into the hole. Back where I belong.
Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 19,245
Executive dysfunction has struck me and I don't want to get out of bed. At least I'm at 19,000 posts so I'm not entirely useless, right? 
terra.nuvo
Student
- Feb 15, 2024
- 143
I started taking concerta which has done absolutely nothing for me and it sucks. It sucks that I've tried and failed again to get my shit together somehow. So i guess right now I'm feeling like shit. I finally got up and doordashed but that only lasted a good 2 hours before i felt the need to be back home lying down. I feel like such a fuck up and a loser. I don't know what to do anymore and it hurts. I'm so scared for my future that i don't know what to do. I'm scared that I'll always be a lazy bum who can't keep a job to save his life cause he just doesn't feel like it. I haven't been able to keep a job my entire life and that so shitty. What is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with me?
soulkitty
Just a shell of who I once was.
- Apr 6, 2024
- 496
I feel so weirdddd right now, my eyes feel strange and they are widened a lot I think it's because I overdosed last night. I feel okay but also awful, but also weirdly relaxed I don't know just want to sleepy
HereTomorrow
eternally atoning
- Feb 1, 2024
- 196
I took more THC gummies because someone was stalking me online to find personal info plus I have a free day off. I'm feeling alright now.
Also nobody tells you THC gummies taste like weed. I was expecting like fruity or something. I'm feeling okay now. I should be stressed but yeah, okay. I'm okay. Not suicidial. I am officially cured from suicidial thoughts for like the next six hours. I'm feeling good.
Also nobody tells you THC gummies taste like weed. I was expecting like fruity or something. I'm feeling okay now. I should be stressed but yeah, okay. I'm okay. Not suicidial. I am officially cured from suicidial thoughts for like the next six hours. I'm feeling good.
EvisceratedJester
|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
- Oct 21, 2023
- 1,216
I'm in a pretty good mood right now. Today has been a pretty uneventful day but I don't mind since I was able to relax for a bit. I helped out with laundry and I got to take a walk around the neighbourhood and there are a lot of dogs here. They bark a lot when you pass by them but they are all fenced in so it's fine. I also got to talk to my bf (that old dude, lol) tonight and that put me in an especially good mood.
LastFlowers
the haru that can read
- Apr 27, 2019
- 2,161
Amnesiac_88
Member
- Mar 14, 2024
- 24
I feel so ashamed right now, why can't i do anything right? I'm fucking useless
robotomy
struggler
- Aug 6, 2020
- 74
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Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 19,245
For some reason I can't sleep. I feel like I don't deserve any love or happiness and that I am a fool for even trying. I can't fathom how even here people haven't realized just how evil I am. The incel bashing threads never go far enough by wishing me dead when they very well should. Every second I am alive, I am causing damage to the world. I shouldn't exist and yet I do for my own selfish gain. I have been riding a wave of good feelings for a short while but it's all founded on lies. There's no way she actually likes me. I must be grasping at straws desperately clinging to my delusions in order to survive even knowing my survival is detrimental to her and so many others. I hate the idea that this kind of talk is non negotiable. I understand why people might feel frustrated at how much of an idiot I am but that just makes me feel an even bigger need to die. I don't want to live and I don't want to die. I just want to experience constant pleasure forever and that makes me the worst kind of human being.
soulkitty
Just a shell of who I once was.
- Apr 6, 2024
- 496
The self harm urges are very strong today, and the ctb urges. I've been a little over a month clean from SH I desperately don't want to do it again, especially because with the mental state I'm in I know I'll probably cut really deeply and that would be bad, especially because I'm moving to my parents place in a few days. I just feel like shit and a horrible person. The people I'm living with don't seem to give a shit about me and it feels like I'm just a burden they want to discard as soon as possible, despite me not even asking to be here in the first place. They literally had to convince me to move in because I was worried of being a burden, and clearly that did fucking happen. They said they would always be here for me. I should never have let them talk me into it. I just feel so useless and unwanted everywhere I go. I should probably just die, what use do I have to anything and anyone
