not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 8,412
Horrible, angry, hate life, I can't wait until it's over. So done with everything. Life shits on you and then shits on you more. I just wanna die.
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Seaghost
Specialist
- Apr 14, 2019
- 301
Some kind of lightwight.
Got a place in rehab. Starts next thursday.
Shouldn't enjoy that too much. Big hit will come between and after this voyage. Need to stay in my rescue soul mode.
Stopping time would be a nice magical power.
Got a place in rehab. Starts next thursday.
Shouldn't enjoy that too much. Big hit will come between and after this voyage. Need to stay in my rescue soul mode.
Stopping time would be a nice magical power.
littlelungs
Wizard
- Oct 21, 2018
- 632
The pain is absolutely unfathomable and the suffering is relentless. I can't catch a break.
I'm finally almost done with my preparations, nearly 4 fucking years later. It took me so long because of my snowballing physical condition, but also because I want to make absolutely sure that things are as clear as possible for the people who are left behind.
And anti-choicers say that people who take their own lives don't think about others – bullshit. I thought about everyone, and I took every single last little thing into account. I hate even the thought of inconveniencing others or causing anybody pain, especially the people I love, but even in the midst of their grief, my hope is that once they see everything I've left behind for them (and by association, how much time and effort went into everything), they will be able to understand my decision a little better. That they will see that, in my situation, death was the most humane thing that could have ever happened to me.
"Permanent solution to a temporary problem." More like a very welcome permanent solution to over 20 years of permanent problems.
With every day that passes, I am one day closer to being free of this suffering, and I take an immense amount of comfort in that – that there is an end to all of this in sight. I can't wait.
I'm finally almost done with my preparations, nearly 4 fucking years later. It took me so long because of my snowballing physical condition, but also because I want to make absolutely sure that things are as clear as possible for the people who are left behind.
And anti-choicers say that people who take their own lives don't think about others – bullshit. I thought about everyone, and I took every single last little thing into account. I hate even the thought of inconveniencing others or causing anybody pain, especially the people I love, but even in the midst of their grief, my hope is that once they see everything I've left behind for them (and by association, how much time and effort went into everything), they will be able to understand my decision a little better. That they will see that, in my situation, death was the most humane thing that could have ever happened to me.
"Permanent solution to a temporary problem." More like a very welcome permanent solution to over 20 years of permanent problems.
With every day that passes, I am one day closer to being free of this suffering, and I take an immense amount of comfort in that – that there is an end to all of this in sight. I can't wait.
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QueerMelancholy
Mage
- Jul 29, 2023
- 501
Pain in my knees, my joints, my head. Everything seems to hurt all the time.
I'm trying to numb it all through my vices but the joy I feel is always so short lived.
Against the wall as the world pushes down on me. I can feel it in my throat. The prayers and the cursing slithering around my spine.
I fill the emptiness with stupidity because I've given up on arguing about intelligence.
Humming softly to myself as I claw my half dead ghoulish body into the future. A melancholic tune. This life, my life, a bitter melody for the slumbering gods.
I wish to sleep too. In the darkness behind these walls. In the shadows where chaos dreams. As dust returning to the cosmos.
Free of these conscious sorrows, floating eternally, grasping for stars.
I'm trying to numb it all through my vices but the joy I feel is always so short lived.
Against the wall as the world pushes down on me. I can feel it in my throat. The prayers and the cursing slithering around my spine.
I fill the emptiness with stupidity because I've given up on arguing about intelligence.
Humming softly to myself as I claw my half dead ghoulish body into the future. A melancholic tune. This life, my life, a bitter melody for the slumbering gods.
I wish to sleep too. In the darkness behind these walls. In the shadows where chaos dreams. As dust returning to the cosmos.
Free of these conscious sorrows, floating eternally, grasping for stars.
Seaghost
Specialist
- Apr 14, 2019
- 301
Fuck man...so empty of energy. Don't want to get out of my bed. Legs are hurting like someone pressing them to explode.
Attempting to find housing withing a reasonable price range has been rather difficult. Currently residing at my mother's house until I find something, but I honestly knew it would be a bad idea even before I was invited.
thrashisland
Member
- Jul 21, 2023
- 29
I feel like I'm past my prime. I'm so young and have achieved so much but ever since I've been preparing to ctb I can't help but feel aged. I'm sick of people. Especially men. They always love me but they don't really love ME; they love some stupid fictive idealization of me that they concocted in my head. I used to think maybe it would be love that would push me to keep living but I don't think it could do anything, No one has ever approached me without an ulterior motive. It's tiring.
I feel like I'm past my prime. I'm so young and have achieved so much but ever since I've been preparing to ctb I can't help but feel aged. I'm sick of people. Especially men. They always love me but they don't really love ME; they love some stupid fictive idealization of me that they concocted in my head. I used to think maybe it would be love that would push me to keep living but I don't think it could do anything, No one has ever approached me without an ulterior motive. It's tiring.
I feel like I'm past my prime. I'm so young and have achieved so much but ever since I've been preparing to ctb I can't help but feel aged. I'm sick of people. Especially men. They always love me but they don't really love ME; they love some stupid fictive idealization of me that they concocted in my head. I used to think maybe it would be love that would push me to keep living but I don't think it could do anything, No one has ever approached me without an ulterior motive. It's tiring.
todiefor
I hope I made some +ve difference in ppl’s lives
- Jun 24, 2023
- 436
I've been feeling more and more paralysed every morning, I hate the washes of panic and despair that comes over me because of all the nightmares I've had while sleeping, it just takes me long and longer to feel calm, the drugs that's supposed to help me make me feel drowsy and weird, unlike myself and I hate feeling altered.
This is all just too much I really just want to die so it can all stop. Please stop :(
This is all just too much I really just want to die so it can all stop. Please stop :(
Petrichor45
Member
- Jul 27, 2023
- 21
Overwhelmed, just sick and tired of everything I've been doing and like I'm useless and nothing I do really matters. I don't understand the point of me being alive right now. I just want to sleep.
vitbar
Escaped Lunatic
- Jun 4, 2023
- 310
Lonely on my day off as has so often been the case. Wish I had a group to reach out to and hang out. Even just online in a call. Play some games or something.
CTB Dream
Disabled. Hard talk, don't argue, make fun, etc
- Sep 17, 2022
- 2,233
Need escp awfl lif this v dtriort sffr time move no doany this rly awfl rly need escp
I will never receive adequate treatment, as it is unaffordable and frowned upon in my circle (Rugged individualism is the rule in the circle I am a part of).
I am extremely sad, empty, a complete failure, worthless, and hopeless, with no reason to live beyond my current obligations.
An obligation that is just about finished, so my time here is just about up.
Notes have been written, and I have limited my possessions.
I know my dilemma is inescapable; there is no possibility of change in my life, a life over which I have no control, and I just want the pain to stop.
My demons are going to win, and into the abyss I will go.
No comeback tour for me; I see only one way out.
I hear I am NOT alone, yet I am.
As no one around me really understands (everyone has their own problems, which is the response).
I won't be a problem for them for much longer.
Sorry for the disjointed and incoherent writing.
I am extremely sad, empty, a complete failure, worthless, and hopeless, with no reason to live beyond my current obligations.
An obligation that is just about finished, so my time here is just about up.
Notes have been written, and I have limited my possessions.
I know my dilemma is inescapable; there is no possibility of change in my life, a life over which I have no control, and I just want the pain to stop.
My demons are going to win, and into the abyss I will go.
No comeback tour for me; I see only one way out.
I hear I am NOT alone, yet I am.
As no one around me really understands (everyone has their own problems, which is the response).
I won't be a problem for them for much longer.
Sorry for the disjointed and incoherent writing.
Zegers
Enlightened
- Dec 15, 2021
- 1,763
As i take notes on the method, i feel like Charlie looking for the golden ticket, I'm one wrapper short to leave.
Seaghost
Specialist
- Apr 14, 2019
- 301
Sad.
Want outta bad but whatfor?
Like to have a shower but I think I don't derserve it.
Have a shower and than?
In my dreams I am in scotland, ireland and england. But not alone.
Here I am alone. No money for a voyage.
Need to vist isle of skye, cliffs of moher and my beloved chalice wells.
Need to go there for congcluding. Maybe to say bye to an old life or maybe say hi to a new life.
I don't no.
Germany don't have such spots. Seems like we deleted the spirit of the landscape in here.
I'm exhausted and try to filling my soul but there is nothing. I'don't like this modern digital world. You got some convenience sure but most of that shit kills us imho :((.
On the good side is this website.
Sleep..just more sleep. So sorrowful
Want outta bad but whatfor?
Like to have a shower but I think I don't derserve it.
Have a shower and than?
In my dreams I am in scotland, ireland and england. But not alone.
Here I am alone. No money for a voyage.
Need to vist isle of skye, cliffs of moher and my beloved chalice wells.
Need to go there for congcluding. Maybe to say bye to an old life or maybe say hi to a new life.
I don't no.
Germany don't have such spots. Seems like we deleted the spirit of the landscape in here.
I'm exhausted and try to filling my soul but there is nothing. I'don't like this modern digital world. You got some convenience sure but most of that shit kills us imho :((.
On the good side is this website.
Sleep..just more sleep. So sorrowful
Walking a tightrope between hope and despair. Wanting off the ride altogether. Not wanting to get things prepped for an exit, but maybe just going for it someday without thinking.
Dreaming about what comes next. Peace, calm, and end to suffering. Something, anything better than this. Or worse, not sure I care anymore either way.
Dreaming about what comes next. Peace, calm, and end to suffering. Something, anything better than this. Or worse, not sure I care anymore either way.
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not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 8,412
Exhaustion. So over life. Not even sure I have anything left to say that I haven't said before. Most of the time I just post in the music threads. I feel like there is nothing left in life. It's pointless.
I may have even said this before too. I want to sleep but I have to be awake early tomorrow.
I so want to die in my sleep. Every night I pray to die.
I may have even said this before too. I want to sleep but I have to be awake early tomorrow.
I so want to die in my sleep. Every night I pray to die.
CTB Dream
Disabled. Hard talk, don't argue, make fun, etc
- Sep 17, 2022
- 2,233
lackadazeE
Member
- Jul 29, 2023
- 29
My eyes hurt and I'd rather just sleep away the next week as it's surely going to be very stressful.
KrowaKovsky
i dunno what to put here
- Feb 22, 2023
- 204
Genuinely considering just suddenly CTB'ing right now. I feel so fucking unwanted, I feel like such a burden. I'm so tired of feeling constantly scared that people are going to hurt me everytime I leave my house, I'm tired of feeling self conscious to the point I want to mutilate myself so I can finally be conventually attractive. I just want a single quiet moment, I haven't had one since I was 9. I just want my brain to stop fucking working so I can stop thinking. I just want to stop.
Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,280
Seaghost
Specialist
- Apr 14, 2019
- 301
I'm tired. Couldn't sleep.
Was having a shower and bought some things.
And now?
Thw window is open. It rains allday. I like that sound. It has something soothing. Regulary it makes me calm down but the rippeling of the rain can't get inside me soul right now.
Anyway I don't want do close the window.
Was having a shower and bought some things.
And now?
Thw window is open. It rains allday. I like that sound. It has something soothing. Regulary it makes me calm down but the rippeling of the rain can't get inside me soul right now.
Anyway I don't want do close the window.
Notwinnernotawin
Specialist
- Apr 4, 2020
- 341
Maeve
The screaming never stops
- Jul 17, 2023
- 127
like a waste of space that cant do anything right
PGFMelly
Member
- Jul 19, 2023
- 38
Desperate to die, frustrated, hateful, angry, sad, out of place, wishing for a gun
Alltheywanted
I'll just lay here and die
- Mar 6, 2023
- 331
I feel like I might vomit from the stress. Today I told my psychotherapist and parents about my SH wounds. additional medications that I have been taking for 5 months are not working as expected. looks like I'll spend the next months trying to find the right pills for me. It makes me sad that all this time has gone to waste.
I'm sitting here, time running out, pondering the two choices I have facing me while at the same time still imagining that someone would actually care enough to tell me that they would miss me, that I am worth their time, and that I am worth something to them.
Professor K
your eyes vacant and stained
- Feb 9, 2023
- 211
I spend every night being emotional about our society and how much I want to CTB because of it.
I wrote pages and pages (5+ entire copybooks so far) about culture in our modern world.
Last few things I wrote (just minutes ago) were about the ideal school, I had changed my mind on many occasion and these a few excerpts:
''There is no ideal school because school itself is purposeless -will skip the part talking about how the things we learn are arbitrary and evoluate throught current political challenges- topics you'll find can be appropriate but still heavily biased as there's no room for nuance and debate and critical thinking is dead. How can I be enthusiatsic about going to college if I already know I'll have to conform to a certain political position. I know I am doomed by liking litterature/arts disciplines and not choosing maths physics and computer sciences.
School is cultural indoctrination.
The longer you stay in school, the more (likely) you'll be brainwashed and close minded, intolerant and even hostile towards oppositions. You are not smarter or well educated but merely an efficient future slave and preacher of the values of a system. School is no different than a cult operating through a systematic imposition of the mindfucking of young moldable and gullible brains, rewarding or punishing them with grades depending on how much they succed in fulfilling the values (and some actual important knowledge) they've been inculcated in. I'm so fed up with being gaslighted and imposed values onto when all I ask is to be tolerated the same way I do for them. -then I talk about how IQ is the same nonsense, measuring your ability to serve a gouvernment and that intelligence or greater awareness is not a vertue, it only makes you suffer-''
Emptied my entire brain out, done whining, now I can go to sleep, I feel a little better, good night.
I wrote pages and pages (5+ entire copybooks so far) about culture in our modern world.
Last few things I wrote (just minutes ago) were about the ideal school, I had changed my mind on many occasion and these a few excerpts:
''There is no ideal school because school itself is purposeless -will skip the part talking about how the things we learn are arbitrary and evoluate throught current political challenges- topics you'll find can be appropriate but still heavily biased as there's no room for nuance and debate and critical thinking is dead. How can I be enthusiatsic about going to college if I already know I'll have to conform to a certain political position. I know I am doomed by liking litterature/arts disciplines and not choosing maths physics and computer sciences.
School is cultural indoctrination.
The longer you stay in school, the more (likely) you'll be brainwashed and close minded, intolerant and even hostile towards oppositions. You are not smarter or well educated but merely an efficient future slave and preacher of the values of a system. School is no different than a cult operating through a systematic imposition of the mindfucking of young moldable and gullible brains, rewarding or punishing them with grades depending on how much they succed in fulfilling the values (and some actual important knowledge) they've been inculcated in. I'm so fed up with being gaslighted and imposed values onto when all I ask is to be tolerated the same way I do for them. -then I talk about how IQ is the same nonsense, measuring your ability to serve a gouvernment and that intelligence or greater awareness is not a vertue, it only makes you suffer-''
Emptied my entire brain out, done whining, now I can go to sleep, I feel a little better, good night.
CTB Dream
Disabled. Hard talk, don't argue, make fun, etc
- Sep 17, 2022
- 2,233
This think ctb need plan, mayb Co but not know how, no have any this life, need leave
LoiteringClouds
Tempus fugit
- Feb 7, 2023
- 3,760
Today I fell asleep and saw a dream at work. Then my colleague talked to me, "Are you okay?"
I woke up and jumped, saying "Sorry!"
The whole episode happened in 10 seconds. I thought I'm too slow to do anything, but I found I can take a nap like lightning.
I woke up and jumped, saying "Sorry!"
The whole episode happened in 10 seconds. I thought I'm too slow to do anything, but I found I can take a nap like lightning.
I really don't know how much longer I can wait to ctb. I'm not prepared to but often think about going into the worst parts of town and finding fentanyl to use. Or, for all I care someone can shoot, stab or kill me any way they'd like.
I'm always in pain, depressed and anxious and lately crying a lot. I absolutely hate crying because I always get a sinus headache from it. Today I got a work email that made me want to resign immediately and instead all I could do was fucking cry. So pathetic
I'm always in pain, depressed and anxious and lately crying a lot. I absolutely hate crying because I always get a sinus headache from it. Today I got a work email that made me want to resign immediately and instead all I could do was fucking cry. So pathetic
