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I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.
I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.
Forgotten and lonely, was talking to friends and certain actions on their end has resulted in me feeling a nuisance that they would prefer to not be there. So I cope, whether it's true or internalized self-loathing being projected onto them.
Reactions:
LoiteringClouds, outatime_85, CTB Dream and 1 other person
Kinda sad lokey. I was having a really fun convo on a video game with somone and then they just said "gtg bye" and left the game. Like bruuuu why?????? I just wanted to talk to someone.
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not-2-b-the-answer, outatime_85, CTB Dream and 1 other person
I miss having people so much. Everything hurts and I should really be sleeping, but I also really love people in general and I wish I could be part of people right now. Not as in loving myself because no, but I wish I could belong. I don't belong anywhere. I'll go back to being numb soon, so now that the intensity of my emotions have calmed down it's kinda nice to actually feel things relatively unimpeded even if it's still painful. I'm tired of being touch deprived and really want safe hugs on demand or something. It feels like something is squeezing my chest and keeping my lungs from ever filling up fully. And like something is clawing me from inside my chest. I really wish something outside of me would cause me to die so I could be done with everything without all the issues that come with suicide.
Reactions:
not-2-b-the-answer, outatime_85, CTB Dream and 1 other person
I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.
I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.
I feel like a failure and that ive failed everyone, I hate verybody because they make me feel like I owe them success or something and I dont want to feel like that
Reactions:
not-2-b-the-answer, LoiteringClouds and CTB Dream
I feel like I'm deeply buried 6 feet under with all the weight of dirt and betrayal on my chest and I can't breathe. There's dirt in my mouth betrayal worms in my ears, centerpedes crawling around my hands. I can't breathe, there's no air, my heart is pounding so hard so unnecessarily like it knows it's in imminent danger of death and trying to escape from my rib cage.
I definitely would prefer to be cremated.
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Reactions:
not-2-b-the-answer, LoiteringClouds and CTB Dream
Still living the lie somehow, yet each time things get harder I seem to be better prepared. I've already disposed mostly of what I used to call my values and there's not much holding me back.
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LoiteringClouds, CTB Dream and not-2-b-the-answer
i already had a fucked memory bc of the metric ton of trauma and drug use and the electroconvulsive therapy didn't help my suicidality but my memory is absolutely destroyed. ive been burning myself with cigarettes but its significantly less bad than when i used to give myself burns by heating up scissors. my new therapist is cool. i hate my parents but i have to play nice bc they pay for my existence. i miss my apartment and ill never get to go back. i don't know if i'll survive long enough to make it to my goal of living with my bff. i tried to hang myself last week but panicked before i blacked out and stopped and i can't tell anyone or ill get locked up again. im proud of myself for showering and changing my clothes today. i wish i knew how to inject drugs. i wish i was social enough to know a plug. i miss the ketamine infusions even though they didn't really help my depression other than the hour im hooked up to the iv. i wish i had someone who would beat me up consensually and fuck me in a cruel and violent manner but i'm in the middle of fucking nowhere and i don't really want to do it with a cishet person so basically im alone. my only friend here is too preoccupied with what i think is psychosis to really be friends. i don't understand why i can't function. i'm going to burn myself more later probably. i really love emo music. i'm trying so hard to just not make things worse. if there was a loaded gun in front of me id shoot myself immediately. even shooting yourself isn't foolproof. i hate alien girl so fucking much. i hate cam. i wish my friends with jobs would stop using it as a reason to ignore me and feel justified. i feel like im only valuable because people want to fuck me. no one is interested in anything i post except porn. i know i make good porn but no one is willing to buy it. i hope everyone who thinks onlyfans is easy money dies of leprosy. elliot page is so hot. hard candy is the perfect movie. i wonder if theres anywhere online i can post pictures of my self harm and not get booted.
Reactions:
LoiteringClouds, not-2-b-the-answer and CTB Dream
Smothered. Or maybe it's that the air is tainted somehow that is causing pressure in my chest. Either way, I can't get any sort of deep breath. The air is too heavy and if I feel like I'm getting crushed, why the hell can't I just really be. Fatal anything, that's all I can wish for. An accident, natural disaster, violent death, any terminal illness. Most people don't want them so why can't I take someone else's?
Reactions:
LoiteringClouds, not-2-b-the-answer and CTB Dream
CTB Dream
Injury damage disabl hard talk no argu make fun et
I just feel empty. Even in moments where I normally would feel happiness I just feel like a bystander watching everyone having fun in life excepting me. Im so tired and even in moments of hope I come back to reality and think to my self: whats the point? I cant understand how most people just live their 9-5 life till their old and be in this gray world for so long. Idk when I will ctb but I still can not imagine living in this world for serveral decades.
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LoiteringClouds, CTB Dream and not-2-b-the-answer
I'm pissed off so many people like Sinead O'Connor, she is a shit stain on Irish history and is only noteworthy for being an attention seeking, mentally ill POS. I fucking hate her and her ilk so fucking much.
I've been getting really angry lately, I can't sleep comfortably due to the heat. Fans don't work. I'm so angry every moment of the day but I have to bottle it up or the police will be called. I'm going to have to do something about this, something needs to be done. I feel like a ticking timebomb and I need to CBT soon to defuse it.
Ricardo Lopez is the closest person I can relate to but he had the luxury of having a gun and being a lot smarter than me.
I can't do this anymore I really wish to stop feeling the pain and suffering. Each morning is more difficult to get up from, i don't know how to do any of this
I think I'm in the just stare into space phase where I just can't do anything anymore
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Reactions:
CTB Dream, outatime_85 and not-2-b-the-answer
I feel like crying
why does everyone who ever hurt me get to live a good life and forget all the things they've done while I have to just sit here and remember it all over and over again and have nightmares about everything bad that has ever happened to me
Reactions:
Salvation_, littlelungs, CTB Dream and 3 others
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