Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Life_and_Death]

im never going to have friends

 

[Life_and_Death]

avoided saying anything all day. just sent hug emojis. no words, nothing. the very first thing i say gets rejected. i just love being proven right, i should have kept my mouth shut...

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

Sad and tired

 

[Zegers]

Numb, frustrated, helpless, no hope on this earth.

 

[Silent.Tears]

Why don't my parents see? Why can't they see I'm struggling? Why do they have to behave like that with me? Am I really such such bad person? If so, then why don't they just let me go? I've asked for it a million times, why do I have to go through this level of mental torture? Why don't they understand this way they're just pushing me

 

[Life_and_Death]

xmas is coming up. i was suppose to be ready for it by the 18th. bpd called it off then got upset about missing another xmas, so now im shoving all the cleaning and decorating in 5 days. yeah im only about half done the cleaning, nothing is up yet and its almost xmas. i dont have any presents. its nothing but stress for me and i cant even have a joint the day of. so i also get to deal with cravings, on top of stress. yay me. to top that off due to my lack of eating, standing exhausts me, forget cleaning.
and this isnt even everything im dealing with. idk if its just because of everything but im not sure if i love my "bf" anymore.. we've also taken on extra at work. which brings me around the house of the problem people my bf has in my life. im still living with my exhusband who hasnt taken the hint and figured out hes not (ive told him on many occasions, there is zero reason for this). but he at least keeps problem people away from me not force me to be their friend.
so im just doing fucking grand. im exhausted, stressed, emotionally sick, lost/confused. and i have to put a smile on my face and cook a big meal

 

[Rairii]

I hate being reminded how socially inept I am and how people don't like trying to communicate with me. I also hate how such a little thing such as that can be such a giant trigger for me. Just wish my sleeping pills could knock me out forever.

 

[outatime_85]

My emotions have been locked away for so long that I would not know where to begin if I ever tried to open up, and I do not know how to be vulnerable with others or allow any respect or love they may want to give me into my life.

 

[Life_and_Death]

xmas isnt going much better. im still not ready and i have to be end of day tomorrow. and my situation with my 'bf"....idk.... i dont think its ever going to be ok. i think i still love him and its just the situation but the situation is never going to change. they hurt me. i should be leaving you at the curb for taking their side. moving forward are we ever really going to be together? at this point it seems like something that will always be distant now. i certainly dont give a f*ck what you do at this point, youre just going to do it anyway obviously.

it always comes back to the same thing doesnt it? that i should just kill myself. at this point id be doing myself a favor...
xmas is meant to be spent with loved ones....and im thinking youd be happier if i didnt message for the next 3 days....

 

[Unending]

I'm endlessly tired of all this suffering. Everything I say is pretty much a repeat of the last time I vented and that really sucks because it makes me feel like things haven't changed at all over the years. I started Tms a few days ago so I have that going for me but I can't lie, I'm way more afraid that I'm going to live than anything else. I've mourned myself many times and then been sucked back into survival instinct. It feels like a tug of rope between suffering and relief.

I have grown extremely resentful of any sentiment of hope whether it comes from within or outside of me. I'm a broken record. From my point of view, life is disgusting. I feel like snapping from the moment I open my eyes till I close them late at night. I even resent myself for the fact that I continue to vent but won't just ctb. I see life as a violation of everything that matters and will never have the luxury of being ignorant to just how far consciousness can be forcefully perverted and distorted. It's as if I was at peace until one day I was ripped away from safety and thrust into a cruel prison in which the only way out was through desperation and pain.

 

[Life_and_Death]

struggling to finish xmas... im still cleaning!!!! theres no decorations up. and my eating disorder has me already past the point of exhaustion. my head is hurting and feeling lightheaded, im breathing heavy, my chest feels tight.
if i was normal and didnt have bpd this would have been done weeks ago. tbf its not all my fault. its not exactly like he was helping me clean when i first started at the beginning of december

 

[PleaseTakeMeAway]

I just wish I could kill myself.

 

[freeziepop98]

posting a reply so i can pm for a source eventually

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Another day... Just like every other, depression never takes a day off.

 

[whatevs]

Another day of barely holding it together, of checking multiple times and posting on a suicide forum...

 

[Life_and_Death]

did he just ditch me for them on christmas!?
we were doing puzzles together and then all the sudden "is it cool if thats the last one". typically its "one more then thats it for the night" not zero warning. and then within seconds of leaving hes playing a multiplayer game.
really!?

 

[Rainy_days]

Gonna end up homeless probably and only myself to blame. Feel very afraid of the future.

 

[TraurigerClown]

Im feeling empty and worthless.
I tried to overlay it with my "cool and responsible Guy"-Mask but in the end it didn´t worked out. RN its like clamping on the last piece of Straw before drowning but i just want to die die die!

 

[Unending]

I feel like everyday is literally exactly the same. I want to learn to love sleeping so I can just not be awake more often instead of dealing with depression by staying conscious all night.



I feel like I fucking hate having to deal with being talked at no matter what hour of the day is or if I respond or not. How is it unreasonable that I get frustrated. I feel so trapped here. Does anyone here know someone who will just talk to you without you saying a word back for long periods of time? I really wish I had some privacy this fucking sucks. I try so hard to have patience and then am made to feel like a bad person when I inevitably get frustrated. It's like fucking water torture or something in the way that it seems trivial but after decades of it, you start to second guess yourself and feel extremely triggered by it.

 

[StolenLife]

I am so fucking tired of it all.

 

[Life_and_Death]

f'en people. this happened a week ago but still.
i was dealing with the bf bs and considering hes 'gone' decided why not confide in someone else.
"ill be your soundboard. you can talk to me"
"how are you today" "still not the best..." then he messages me back 3 days later like "are you awesome now?" some fucking "soundboard" i might as well have been in an empty room. and to just expect the problem magically went away and things were fine now. fuck i hate humans

 

[Zegers]

Ignored by dimwits who, however dimwitted they may be, are in better position than me. oh well, I'm so done with this bs. 5 days to go until the start of the last year.

 

[Life_and_Death]

trying to not "randomly" start bawling.....
i told my'bf' idc if im hurt anymore....

 

[Venus13]

So much pain. Inside and out. My body is sick of this life as much as my mind.

 

[WhenTheyCry]

flashbacks and intrusive thoughts making me angry and depressed
it's very painful/stressful

 

[Life_and_Death]

"Whatever makes either of us comfortable. I want it be a bit of both of what we want"
ok so irl we're just friends but in my head youre still my bf
the ONLY thing i wanted, he wouldnt even have noticed a difference because it would have been just in my head..... but nope.....should have expected... its always you....im always the one losing out.....
if youre not my bf then it doesnt f'en matter if i kill myself...

 

[outatime_85]

I seek peace, but I do not think that is possible, especially since I live with demons, and those demons get closer to winning every day.

My only hope is that I can find peace before my demons consume me.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I cant do much of anything. I cant help the people I care about. Why?????

 

[aforestfire]

i don't feel alive, not having connections is making me feel non-human, like a parasite that deserves to be alone 'cause the only thing it does is make people sick; it doesn't matter how much i cut and how much i bleed nothing feels real enough.
there's something missing, something that someone like me will never have.

 

[Life_and_Death]

im fucking livivd!!!!! "this person (name i cant recall) will call you back" FUCKING WHEN!!!! THEYRE NOT OPEN UNTIL THE FUCKING GOD DAMN THIRD!!!! IF IT WAS GOING TO TAKE YOU OVER TWO FUCKING WEEKS TO CALL ME BACK YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME!!! SUICIDE PERVENTION MY FUCKING ASS!!!!!! I SWEAR IF IM NOT DEAD BY THE THIRD IM GOING TO CALL THEM EVERY SECOND OF THE FUCKING DAY AND I WILL REFUSE TO BE HUNG UP ON, THEYRE GOING TO DEAL WITH ME NOW (well, future "now"). I HAD TO CALL SEVERAL FUCKING TIMES AND CLICK SEVERAL DIFFERENT BUTTONS BEFORE IT EVEN FINALLY TOLD ME THEY WERE CLOSED!! SHOULDNT THAT HAVE BEEN THE FIRST FUCKING MESSAGE WHEN I CALLED!!!