Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Life_and_Death]

Why are we always putting devices on other species so they can speak human? Why don't we make a device so we can understand them?

 

[outatime_85]

The happy "I am fine" mask I wear is barely holding in the paranoia, depression, despair, etc.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

At a crossroads. REALLY want to CTB tonight, but with mom's bday and xmas coming up, I don't know. I just can't live a life I hate. If I was born AFAB, it would be bearable at least.

 

[outatime_85]

I am a prisoner of my own mind.

My days are spent inside a metaphorical box where my mind is my only company, and it is in this box that I stand every day, unable to step over the line and break free (shackled).

Inside this box is where I deal with the internal turmoil of who and what I see myself as; every day is spent looking inside myself, and I do not like what I see, so I continue to wear a mask so I don't have to show anyone my internal turmoil, however. This mask that has been worn for so long is becoming my face.

 

[Zegers]

Lately i sleep too much (12-17h) but i don't have any motivator to get out of sheets, time ago watching movies, chatting or doing things around the house used to encourage me to get up, but not anymore and health has worsened.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Fat, irritated.

Good things never seem to last, if they come at all.

 

[Disappointered]

I have thought about it on so many occasions but I honestly don't understand why eugenics isn't desirable. We all exist in a giant theater of lies. I suppose I have a personality disorder for noticing the theater of lies. Still not sure why eugenics is wrong though, especially since certain powerful groups quite obviously still engage in selective breeding. Is my twisted mind evil and inferior? I mean, that's how I live - as an outcast and inferior - but I don't see myself as worse or stupider than the average person. Some people really believe in being good and see society as mostly good. What do they have that I'm missing? Anyway. It doesn't matter now.

 

[makethepainstop]

Today, this very minute, anger and inconsolable rage at everything and everyone.

 

[Mir88]

I built my life only to see it crumble away. I left myself to become prisoner of my own choices. I now reap what i sow, seeing others succeed where I failed.
Today is hard. Today is black.

 

[lostandempty99]

Scared, small, age regressed. Scared that my mind is a lot younger than my biological age. Scared to navigate my way through this world, feeling lost and too young mentally but physically being in my twenties. I'm scared to live and I'm scared how much trauma has affected me and I need to feel safe but don't feel safe. Scared that I am pregnant and feel this way, and feeling too immature to raise a child when I feel like one damaged one myself.

 

[Rairii]

down. my bladder hurts, i hate that I can't hydrate myself without having to pee every few minutes. my house is so dirty that it's just embarrassing and disgusting, its gone past just clothes on the floor now. i'm realizing that all i'm seen as is 'mentally ill' and nothing else. no one takes me seriously in the outside world or cares what i have to say, it's just seen as rambling at best. It seems like anything i say to health professionals is twisted to something to make me seem even crazier. Well i guess my psychiatrist is the only one who has my back, so its not like its everyone everyone but still.

i guess i'm just annoyed after my recent hospital stay and reading the notes from it. how one of the psychiatrists who did my assessment tried to say that I said I had fears of loved ones abandoning me, which i never said at all or even remotely hinted at (since i dont have that issue), he never even asked a question regarding if i had that issue either, we had never even touched on such a subject. Then he tried to say my past experiences of numbness that were caused by an antidepressant and then in the past from starvation (which is an actual physiological response your body will do when starving, very normal), was actually feelings of emptiness and was something that i experienced all the time and a norm for me. just completely disregarding what I told him and deciding to make his own narrative of the situation. all and all he was trying to imply i had bpd (which he stated in his notes, thankfully didn't diagnose me) just from these two things that he fabricated and then of course my failed suicide attempts and history of an ED.

it just really offends me a lot, also reminds me how my mom would make up or exaggerate behaviors or emotions I was having to try and get doctors to diagnose me with as many mental illnesses possible and get me on a bunch of psych meds. all so i would come off as mentally unstable and therefore if i spoke up about the abuse at home no one would believe me. a lot of behaviors i had too were just normal reactions to the horrific abuse i was enduring, yet these feelings/reactions were just pathologized because my mom had a great way of making me seem like a "bad" person and she had others in the family to back her up. then of course the doctors fell for it because they're human too. just life sucks man and i feel alone in all of this. fuck i really do ramble ugh.

(also if someone reads this: there's nothing wrong if you do have a bpd diagnoses. i just know its not a condition i have and i don't want to be diagnosed with something that i don't have.)

 

[Life_and_Death]

I feel old. I'm only 23 and my knee not only randomly started hurting but collapsed underneath me.
It happens occasionally but it's typically not a deal. It would let go during my first step getting up but after that I'm typically fine. This time it hurt with every step and wanted to let go, so I'm in bed not falling in my face.
and no I have no idea. Basically all my problems are undiagnosed. I'm fairly confident I have arthritis in my fingers and possibly my knees.. Maybe that's all it is. What I do know is its not fun being 23 with the body of an 80yo. Something always hurts. Yet physical isn't one of my ctb reasons, but it's working on it


I was also reminded why I'm leaving my husband "you're not athletic at all" professionally athletic or at least with a direction, no. But I use to run EVERYWHERE before you. After leaving you I want to incorporate walks, yoga, and exercises into my daily life. To say I'm "not athletic" after being with me for years shows you 1) don't know shit about me and 2) changed me in a bad way. If any one of my friends heard that they'd be laughing at him for not knowing his own wife and how obviously active I was. And then they'd be sad for me because you had me crash this low. The worst part, he even pointed out how much I run many times in the past. If you're making such opposite statements maybe you should be looking at why
AND FUCK OFF!! Instead I'm stuck here because I can't get boxes. And I may never at this point.

 

[TypeDef_End_Bye]

hhsgggrfg gyehgrsydfyj fgdyhlhtsscvhnkiisfji ff4tuyt. You know?

Jokes aside, i'm fine.

 

[Life_and_Death]

was also reminded why I'm leaving my husband "you're not athletic at all"

Followed by being called stupid. "consoles are just for people too stupid to use pc" you know my parents abused me and I needed help putting something on a USB in middle school. You just offended your wife but you don't see how the shit you say is offensive "I didn't say it in front of them" you don't know people for all you know you did. If you wouldn't say it to them, don't say it at all. You're a selfish fuck that can't see past his own nose.
I might not know how to use a computer but I know for a fact that I'm smarter than you

 

[outatime_85]

Given my upbringing in a non-supportive environment where everyone looked out for themselves, I think it would be good to have at least one stand-up person in life.

Someone who, without wanting anything in return, will support that person as they climb out of the abyss.

Someone who will not dip out when they are at their worst, when all they have to give is themselves.

Just one person to say, "I am going to stand by you and walk with you through this dark, monster-infested tunnel of life."

Just one person who is willing to say, "If there is no light, they will make their own light together."

Just one person who is willing to "show someone how to break free of the mask worn for so long"

Just one person who is willing to "respect that person as they are now, not only when they are healed."

One person who can see there is some value "left in that person's old shell"

This is just a snippet of a thought.

Sorry if my writing is incoherent or rambling.

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

I guess I really just can't come to terms with the fact that there isn't going to be some magic solution to my problems, even though on some level I still keep expecting one to appear. I'm not going to suddenly discover that all of my issues have gotten solved without any effort from me, nor am I going to wake up one morning to find that it's 2010 again and I can still fix my biggest mistakes. It's 2022 and the life that I currently have is the one I'm going to have to live through, but I just can't accept it.

 

[MentalStefan]

I feel overwhelmed by responsibilities. I have to finish cleaning up my apartment, 3 projects to do for studies and I have only 1 week for this. I also feel frustrated as I took codeine to feel better but my tolerance is too high or my stomach wasn't empty enough and I don't feel any better... I'm scared that my family will find out I take drugs again and everybody gets angry with me. I'm writing an advanced script in tampermonkey to hide some entries on my transaction history related to my drug purchases so when somebody asks me to show my transaction history it won't display my drug-related expenses. It was working fine but I messed something up while adding necessary features and it doesn't work anymore and I can't figure out why...

 

[Silent.Tears]

Noone gives a Fck, absolutely noone gives a Fck. Everybody is there to just add to the trauma. Trauma after trauma after trauma after trauma.....
Do they listen when you explain? Noooo they don't. And then they say 'you're not trying you're not opening up', wtf!?
It was never going to work out, don't go back, it's going to only hurt me don't just don't ever go back.. I just want this to end I need this to end, enough already..

 

[Zegers]

"Life can't just be about solving problems, if it is, what's the point? There have to be things that people find inspiring to live for" Elon Musk

 

[Bengal]

Hopeless
I FEEL SO FUCKING HOPELESS I WANT TO SCREAM

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

People don't accept each other. Not really. They accept the curated, easily digestible versions of ourselves we put forth.

 

[Rairii]

Exhausted, so exhausted and fed up. why am I not allowed to cry? even if my tears are behind a curtain and no one can see or hear, they would only see it if they came in. Why was the psychiatrists first response to my tears, do you want to be admitted to the psych ward so you can be observed? It's as if I was screaming I wanted to kill myself or having some meltdown or whatever but all I was doing was silently crying to myself. Even if I went to the psych ward based off of last time, I wouldn't be allowed to cry there either and if I did I wouldn't be observed lol. I have no idea why I cried during the ketamine treatment, I felt so euphoric for the first half and then suddenly extreme sadness which I could not contain my tears. The nurse and psychiatrist seemed so confused by my mood shift, made me feel so abnormal at the time.

Now I don't feel such a way because I googled it and it seems like some others have experienced something somewhat similar. Even though they wanted to admit me, I still want to go back and try the treatment again because it does feel like it did something today because after I cried I felt very calm and the most rational I have in a while. It seemed like the doctor and nurse were unsure if they wanted me to have it done again though because of the mood shift which really will suck if I find out this Thursday that they won't allow it. I hate life.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So Exhausted...
Finally was able to post a song.,. Haven't been able to catch up with everyone else's posts. Sorry.
I will eventually.
Hard to think of things to say anymore.

 

[StrangePossum]

I wish I could just relax and didn't have to stress about money or housing or getting yelled at. I wish I didn't have to hide so many things. I wish my parents loved me for who I actually am. I wish I didn't feel like my existence is inherently wrong. I wish I were a better person. Why couldn't I just have been normal?

 

[Life_and_Death]

just received major suicide fuel. it feels like life blew up in my face and disfigured me with it

add on: again, f'en really!!? ive barely accepted him back yet and im exactly where i was back on that f'en day in hs. well, not exactly because hes not my bf, but during the time he was he hurt me, then he got with my bf (i considered her my sister bf) and i havent healed from all that yet.... back then when i was told, i completely pulled away from the group. now one of the people is my bf which would mean pulling away the end of us, but i cant fucking handle this.

eating disorders, concussions or my chest pain, please something take me out!

 

[Life_and_Death]

literally sick... i threw up nothing to the point of dry heaving. like dude, stop trying you cant throw up nothing. it hurt my chest, i was (am) so weak i can literally feel my energy depleting just from breathing...i should probably be in the hospital but after getting fucked over, not really in the mood. besides maybe if i put it off long enough maybe my organs will shut down. i just want to die...i have nothing..... "i want to die, i dont care anymore" "id prefer if you didnt" coming from the one that r*ped me and denies it, fuck off. if thats all i have left i dont want this stupid fucking useless life, its done nothing but cause me pain in my entire 23 fucking years!!!
and i think about my cats and how much they love mommy.... but i cant do it...
and stupid useless ex fucking bf changed me to the point where im even more on the fence about suicide and recovery then i was before. hes gone now but my thoughts didnt magically change back so now im stuck wanting to live while wanting to die. that doesnt even make sense yet here i fucking am!!!

i just want someone to hold me while i cry rn......

 

[Life_and_Death]

im feeling like i should have my own personal thread for this
ive called, multiple people. i love it. they shove the suicide prevention in your face but they made it damn near impossible to get help

 

[Unending]

Have another appointment in a few hours. Feel very numb and indifferent to all suffering except for that of the ones who will miss me when my time comes. I am assuming that the doctor is going to repeat the same lines as always about trying new meds and positivity. Whatever, I could care less right now. I'll take the pills but I refuse to use my little energy for deluding myself into having hope that will inevitably be shattered..

 

[maddaddam]

Exhausted. I'm trying so hard to make things better and instead it's just worse. And again today. It's getting so close to unfixable. I'm trying so hard not to let that happen. I feel cursed.

 

[Life_and_Death]

this exbf thing has me on hunger strike. i know its doing nothing except hurting me but i dont want to eat... i think im honestly kinda hopeful itll kill me. i have someone im talking to saying theyll "help me through it" but i dont want to tell them because theyll talk me into eating... so yeah, i probably just want to die at this point....