Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[anxious_depressive]

Skin diseases are a real torment.
It's just maddening.

 

[outatime_85]

Nighttime is the worst because my mind is quiet and then everything comes flooding back in on me.

I am afraid to sleep, and when I do sleep, it is disrupted by nightmares and sounds, etc., and when I wake up, there is nothing and no one in the room.

I have been dealing on my own with my issues for decades, but I've never understood them, and I still don't.

It doesn't help that I have no one to confide in (not that anyone around me really cares).

How long can I keep dealing with all this flatness, severe paranoia, fear, anxiety, and other problems on my own?

I am just a defective product, headed for the waste bin.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Just kill me
Idk if I'm gonna do it, but everything is telling me I might as well.
I'm dealing with my husband. I'm dealing with my bf. I'm dealing with my cats (feeling like a failure to them for not moving). I'm dealing with my grandfather (most likely missing ANOTHER christmas. I'm fairly confident he's missed more then he's been to. Not on his part, he's a good Grampy it's everyone else) I'm dealing with myself (ptsd flare ups and what not)

I want to... I've got nothing... I see myself dead (in that ptsd flashback way). I can see it, and it'll be over. If I'm gonna do it I've got to do it in the next couple days. I have an appointment coming up on the 5th, no point in paying for something for a dead girl.

 

[Dead Horse]

That feeling of helplessness. No one can help me. I can't help myself.
Even if by some miracle everything got fixed, there is no time machine to get back the lost time.
But even going forward, there is no chance for a person like me to ever have a relatively normal life. It really irritates me when people don't understand that, or pretend not to.
And living with the realization that you're doomed to always be miserable is definitely worse than death.
Another thing that irritates me. How most people seemingly think that death is the worst thing that can happen to someone. Lucky them, I guess.
Netflix shows. It's the only thing that makes me a little happy sometimes, as pathetic as it sounds.
But sleep is still better.

 

[makethepainstop]

@makethepainstop I am sorry for your loss.

I hope you are able to find time and healthy, suitable ways to grieve.

Horny right now, Damn, I need a need a blond or redhead!

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Can't sleep... Can't feel...
Just want to never wake up.
Listening to music threads, trying to catch up.
Thinking about my ex.
Random thoughts.
Wishing I could Just Do It!!!
Why is this my life?
I've had opportunities to CTB but can't commit.
Eyes starting to feel tired but can't sleep.
Why is life so awful?
Why can't I unexist?
Bla bla bla bla bla bla

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

Even if by some miracle everything got fixed, there is no time machine to get back the lost time.

I've been thinking about this lately. Even if I somehow managed to fix my situation would I ever be able to forgive myself for wasting so much time and for letting things get this bad in the first place? Would I be able to live with that regret for the rest of my life?

 

[Life_and_Death]

Humans suck. Everywhere I turn there's a problem and guess what created the problem. A human. And for some reason I'm stuck with their bs which just creates more bs caused by more humans.

You have cptsd and bpd and anxiety and other problems caused by past people, and of course current people have to trigger it (or it just happens in general. I had a r* PTSD flareup while I was in the shower, yeah I want to do that again. And do to the same ptsd cause I'm most likely cancelling my appointment because I can't handle it). And I'm stuck here sorting through all the bs. Trying to figure out what to do about it and who to trust.

I want to throw life in the trash... Like I'm sorting through a bunch of papers trying to get them all organized while they're all written in an unknown language. I can't do it, I want to run my arms across the desk swiping everything into a huge garbage can.

 

[Zegers]

Hard to change a life whose game somehow don't favore you and it's also difficult to try to play a game you hate. Yoga, Mindfulness, Gratitude, can help to bear a life you hate but do nothing to change it.

There is no silver lining. There is nothing in that hints at a better perspective.

 

[outatime_85]

When I do venture out, I always end up thinking I am being followed, as I see individuals at locations where I am on the same day after seeing them elsewhere.

Around people (crowds, line at the shop), I always think that they are talking about me, and when they laugh, I think they are laughing at me, watching me, or judging me.

I have a distrust of people; I question motives; I am not able to confide in anyone because I do not trust them and assume the worst of them, and this distrust makes it difficult for me to function in other aspects of my life.

 

[CTB Dream]

Versad this ,time makes harder Now body worse all worse rememb before ok now not think need leave life soon eveyy momenti worse

 

[Life_and_Death]

Feeling so emotionally upset I want to throw up...
Mental disturbances causes physical repercussions and anyone that thinks otherwise has zero idea...

 

[Rairii]

physical pain, my back hurts so bad. I think I have a stupid kidney infection again, at least if its that it'll be an easy treatment and therefore will go away faster.

Emotionally I am feeling dejected and disconnected. Found out that I may not be able to see my therapist till February because of insurance issues. It hasn't been super helpful, sometimes it leaves me more upset than when I began but I just want to get through some more sessions of EMDR and see if it actually helps. I mean I have doubts that will do much or that if it does that it will take ages to make a significant impact as I have so much trauma and maladaptive coping mechanisms to work on. Either way, I guess it doesn't matter for now.

 

[Bengal]

Hopeless. No other words needed

 

[donewithyourview]

fuck my life. wish you loved me. wish anyone loved me. wish it never happened.

 

[bigtiredoflife]

My base emotional state these past few months has really just bounced from times where I feel really good, to really low, to empty. Mostly though I generally feel empty. I'm 29 and don't really have any friends anymore, and while my job is interesting it doesn't really pay all that well. I feel like a joke of a man and not worth anyones time. It wouldn't feel so bad if I had hobbies that actually interested me, but I haven't taken much enjoyment in anything lately. I'm torn between trying to fix myself up, and just spiraling. I have tried before, but nothing fundamentally changed in my life. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and that I'm just a mistake that's not supposed to exist. I've made one friend in these past few years, and stupidly developed one sided feelings for her. Now she's hooking up with guys and it's tearing me up, and reminds me just how alone and replaceable I am. I'm tired of feeling alone even when I'm with people. I'm not even sure how to fix things since there's not too many meetup opportunities where I live, and I'm not sure how to socially develop into a normal person. My coworkers and I get along well but I'm still an outsider there. It's just so frustrating trying to connect with anyone because I don't know how. It's like one of those game dialogues where you select the option that reads "I don't think that's the best idea" but your character says "what are you? Fucking stupid??". Anyways, that's my monologue

 

[Cathy Ames]

Nauseated. Hopeless. Discouraged. Recognizing that there should be fear there, but I'm not feeling fear or any urgency at all, and that's really concerning. There's not a way for me to operate without that. Also overwhelmed. I'm not capable of doing what I need to do in order to meet my responsibilities.

 

[deletednumber]

I want and need a ctb partner:(
Where are they???

 

[PJS1995]

I fuckin hate myself. I've been socially isolating myself and I can't help it. I just don't have it in me to socialize right now. I'm sure everyone is sick of me. I just wish I could ctb. I don't want to deal with this anymore

 

[CTB Dream]

,feel tired think even one day possible die randlm

 

[deletednumber]

I feel incredibly bad that i am struggling in breathing.
I think i'll have to hurt myself to go to sleep and to stop the intrusive thoughts.I don't know what to do anymore....i feel at the bottom.
My heart also hurts...i feel a deep pain deep inside my heart,but i'm not saying metaphorically,it's a phisical pain like an uncomfortable pressure on my heart.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

After a brief period of time when I thought the suicidal thoughts were going away, I am feeling them return now. I am filled with an indescribable anger, followed by despair, followed by incessant weeping. I wish I had the strength to end it already or to make the pain stop in an easier way. I don't understand why this has to be the way it is. I just know it is my fault. And a part of me doesn't even want to fix it. A part of me wants to sink deeper and deeper into despair so I can justify my death later.

 

[Zegers]

But sleep is still better.

Sleep used to be relaxing until the 'overlord' decided that it was a great concession for me and decided to give me a problem in ribs that affects breathing and i can no longer be comfortable even sleeping. I'm sick and down. If it wasn't for that i have to tie things up yet i would start fasting now.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

This thread has only made it to where I can quietly yell into the void. It doesn't really quite matter what I say as long as I get it out. I feel angry, irrationally. Still, I feel so much anger. Christ…

 

[deletednumber]

I feel very sad and bad and alone.:(

 

[Zegers]

years ago, in the summer, i had a kind of panic attack in street, i glimpse that everything was over, it's been about 7 years and it was certain.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I have a so-called photographic memory... Recently, things related to my trauma have returned to my mind in the form of pictures and videos. Trigger warning (child sexual abuse)!!!!



I can't even write what I see, I can't, it makes me sick. Harass. I don't want to think about it!!! I hate my stepfather. I hate all the men involved. I don't know what to do, I don't want these memories, I don't want to see. Why is my mind opening now??? This is too much.

 

[Zegers]

Today i was thinking about how HS sucked all the self-esteem and confidence i could have, since i left i began to isolate myself, i started to die.
It's been like 15 years and what have i done since then? i have been dying.

 

[Anonymus]

I am sad, I see that in spite of being able to love I cannot understand other people... and although I wish to share my life with them I cannot bear to be by their side.
I only survive, I only suffer and I know that in spite of choosing my thoughts I am not able to shape others to help me get stronger and live life differently.

I am tired, this never ends... this daily fight against myself instead of for me leads nowhere.

I feel trapped and I feel weaker and weaker in body and mind.

//

Estic trist, veig que tot i ser capaç d'estimar no puc comprendre les altres persones... i tot i desitjar compartir la meva vida amb elles no suporto ser al seu costat.
Només sobrevisc, només pateixo i se que tot i escollir els meus pensaments no sóc capaç de donar forma a d'altres que m'ajudin a enfortir-me i viure la vida d'una altra manera.

Estic cansat, això no s'acaba mai.. aquesta lluita diària contra mi mateix en comptes de a favor meu no duu enlloc.

Em sento atrapat i cada cop em sento mes feble de cos i de ment.

 

[DaatiSimi]

I just wish I could talk with him and he will forgive me, to spend one of my last weeks with him, maybe the last one before leaving to Israel to ctb. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I'd leave on Tuesday. Or maybe if never leave. Maybe you'd take me back and we got engaged and I would find a way to heal, to get better, to move on and we'd get married and be happy. I would be such a wonderful wife to you I swear, we would grow on middot, mitzvot and Torah. We'd become happy and loving and become a very holy couple.

We will laugh and cook and talk and cuddle and have fun. We would dance and just hold each other very tight. I would learn Hebrew, I would heal, I swear I would.

I'd give anything for another week with my best friend and love of my life, Mr BarHen.
Another month, another year. A lifetime.
Please dear G-d. If you are listening. I ask you just for 2 things which require of a miracle. This, and for my family to find peace in my death, and not suffering and pain, but relief. Please HaShem, the merciful one. Please.