Discussion Was there a time you truly enjoyed living?

[todiefor]

I've become suicidal in the last 8 months as result of divorce and a number of things that happened around it. I thought I was happy but now it all feels meaningless as I had realised I was lied to for a very long time. my whole life, and all its happy moments now feels like a lie.

Do you remember a period of time when you truly enjoyed life? If you could go back there would it be worth while to live?

 

[Darkover]

The first 18 years of my life were okay I was content and happy sometimes but after that, everything went downhill
we can't go back in time we can only look to the future i wouldn't want to exist ever again

 

[R_N]

There were periods when I did but it was always dependant on something.

Even now I can enjoy myself ocasionally but that doesn't change the situation I am in. But tbf even if I had a "normal" life I wouldn't be content. I don't think I even miss things I enjoyed previously. I don't feel like I am missing anything I am not doing.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, in my case existence was always undesirable and I really wish I never existed at all, only never existing is true perfection to me. I find it very tragic how something as dreadful and harmful as life even exists.

I have no interest in the futile and torturous burden of existing as a human, there's no point to existing and existence is nothing but suffering, only the peace of an dreamless, eternal sleep appeals to me, regardless of the circumstances I see it as better to not exist, it comforts me to think of eternally not existing.

For me, no matter what existence itself will always be the ultimate problem, I see nothing appealing about having the ability to suffer in this existence that was always meaningless and unnecessary, human existence is an abomination especially as there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel as long as they exist.

 

[tbroken]

Actually no, only when i was really young and problems were far away and solvable. And my passions were still there. Growing, the loss of time and my fear and mistrust towards others led me to complete ruin and misery. I want to reach the point where i really don't feel anything at all, so i can leave this world in peace. For now i just don't like my self and I finally understood that I faced situations and unlucky events way bigger than me. I just have enough. When i think of when i was a kid i still simile because I was happy, then i lived hell.

 

[The Schizoid]

Yes. I had my ups and downs, but life was good as a child. It was awkward as a young adult but I could still get excited for things all the same.

Then in my mid 20s I just got a surge of mental health symptoms out of no where. Like I woke up one day with OCD thoughts, anhedonia, anxiety. I just couldn't enjoy anything for years.

 

[divinemistress36]

My memory is terrible I can't remember

 

[hikikomorizombie]

no

 

[WhiteRabbit]

The first 32 years were pretty good. Ups and downs of course, but everything went south after that. The last seven years have been increasingly rotten.

 

[Hunter2005]

Not really, there was some good but all this felt like some kind of punishment. All kinds of darkness and traumatic experiences to be honest.

 

[Pessimist]

I think I had some good times as a kid and young teenager, but I always hated school.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

My memory is terrible I can't remember

Yours is the most honest response i've read so far.

A couple of times, though they were fleeting:
When i first learned how to drive, for example, and when I first drove because I wanted to. Not for chores or anything, just for myself.
First love would be another example. Not the crush thing coz that shit was cringey, but the first time you well and truly fell in love.
Then the first love experience that defied and changed your perception of what love was would be another event that made you all tingly and stuff.
When it comes to adulting, first time you got approved for a loan, first time you paid it off.

There are a lot of those moments in life, but they were really all fleeting.
If I could go back...hmm..i'd have to say no. the effects wouldnt have had the same..intensity if I was to go back and re-live the moments.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

In my case, no. There never has been

Yours is the most honest response i've read so far.

How is their response more honest than the ones who replied with "no"?

 

[todiefor]

Yours is the most honest response i've read so far.

A couple of times, though they were fleeting:
When i first learned how to drive, for example, and when I first drove because I wanted to. Not for chores or anything, just for myself.
First love would be another example. Not the crush thing coz that shit was cringey, but the first time you well and truly fell in love.
Then the first love experience that defied and changed your perception of what love was would be another event that made you all tingly and stuff.
When it comes to adulting, first time you got approved for a loan, first time you paid it off.

There are a lot of those moments in life, but they were really all fleeting.
If I could go back...hmm..i'd have to say no. the effects wouldnt have had the same..intensity if I was to go back and re-live the moments.

I relate to all of this, but why does it all have to be fleeting? I think I could have kept going if i didn't realise later it was all a lie

 

[PixelPlant]

no

 

[UKscotty]

Yes, I have had some amazing times. I have seen the real gift that life is.

Sadly ruined by untreatable depression.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

In my case, no. There never has been

How is their response more honest than the ones who replied with "no"?

because it denotes a certain amount of self awareness.
People aren't perfect by any means, therefore our interpretation of what constitutes "happiness" may differ.
To me, @divinemistress36 's response goes something along the lines of "i may not remember, but i cant say for sure there hasnt been one", which shows self awareness.

I relate to all of this, but why does it all have to be fleeting? I think I could have kept going if i didn't realise later it was all a lie

Good question. Let me know when you find the answer, because honestly i don't know as well.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not consistently for any length of time. Ironically, my very early childhood- up to the age of 10 was in some ways the happiest although, the most traumatic things happened for me in that time. My Mum died when I was 3, Grandpa, 4, Nana, age 10. But, I had a lot of love from my Grandma and Dad. Things went to shit age 10 upwards and the rest of it has been coping mechanisms really. Not that I've never been happy in that time afterwards but, there have continually been strong undercurrents of worry, grief and ideation.

 

[butterball]

mmm. when i was a child it was very much ignorance is bliss, up until i hit around 10.

the problem is i always look back now to find the "good old days" and i can only pinpoint fragments of happiness. bc every day almost invariably had negativity in some way that would drag me down. simply, there are some happy memories, yes. my memory is absolutely awful for a lot of things. i used to take a lot of photos of things that made me happy; pets, nature etc. I like to reminisce, but these memories feel detached from my now current reality.

 

[piryohae3]

I was genuinely happy when I was in a relationship. It lasted about a year and is the only one I've had. I had to move away because of jobs and money. I'll always resent capitalism for that. The other time was when I had a group of friends I enjoyed hanging out with. That also lasted about a year until COVID hit then everyone moved away. Everything in between has been meh or shit.

 

[ResilientAF]

A few years in my early twenties, no labels, managed pretty good. Travelled, not weighed down with much responsibility. Decent job and good pay.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I enjoyed my life from childhood until early 40's ofc there were some ups and downs. I'd say my 20's were the best 30's were also very good but the crash came in 40's and here I am.

 

[strangelife]

I enjoyed the whole life, now I am 41, I started thinking about suiside after my illness progressed

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

No not really. It's always been tolerable but never enjoyable. As my life changes the tolerance of life hasn't changed much I just don't see the point of living anymore.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

When I was a small child and had no concepts of fear and shame. I just did whatever. I used to walk around the neighbourhood alone. I used to be a leader-type, but it was in that same childhood it just all spiraled instantly.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

As a teen. It was rough but I had activities and friends and a sense of future. I don't really have any of those any more.

 

[Vesiira]

I've become suicidal in the last 8 months as result of divorce and a number of things that happened around it. I thought I was happy but now it all feels meaningless as I had realised I was lied to for a very long time. my whole life, and all its happy moments now feels like a lie.

Do you remember a period of time when you truly enjoyed life? If you could go back there would it be worth while to live?

Damn. This is a hard one. I know in the past there are definitely times where I was happy. Usually not long after, something would come along to fuck it up. I can't remember the last time I was TRULY happy. When my boyfriend and I first met, I was pretty happy. He made all the hardships and thoughts disappear for a while. However, it has all come back and I don't know what to do. I can't tell him, or anyone, aside from my best friend. I'm starting to feel like maintaining happiness long term isn't possible. It really does all feel like a lie, I'm sorry you're feeling this. <3

 

[Malaria]

Ages 6-8 were pretty good. Things for me really went downhill when I turned 9. I haven't truly been happy since.

 

[nozomu]

I've had fleeting moments of joy and appreciation of the beauty of life. But only fleeting.

 

[Kurai]

I truly enjoyed living at ages 26-27, I was thriving in my career, life was good to me. Sadly that all fell apart due to a mistake I made in the past that haunts me forever. My depression and anxiety got worst I lost all of it. Nothing can help me all my hope is gone and now I just can't wait for the day I ctb.