wanting to CTB = Escapism?

[lkjhgfdsa1]

Like,,, I am kind of a coward
I want to ctb but I back out at the last second

and I get euphoric delusions about the future or another life I could maybe create for myself, which I think is escapism from my reality

but then also I don't want to take responsibility for my own actions and keep thinking about ctbbbb

and ctb would be the ultimate form of escapism, at least in my situation

I'm so stuck and confused

 

[Sunset Limited]

I guess I'm an escapist. If I had found this site in my twenties I would have been gone long ago. Escapism doesn't sound bad. I think there is nothing wrong with skipping all the meaningless physical activity that I have to do from birth to aging and natural death and reaching the absolute end. Being a wage slave primate driver with a high consciousness does not interest me. Even the fact that the reproduction rate decreases in societies where awareness is very high and is maximum in a geography shaped by ignorance reveals to us the fact that this universe is a shitty material for building intelligent life. I don't know a better place to escape than this world :)

 

[jinx <3]

Yeahhhhh, it is sometimes like that. For me, suicide has always been a goal of mine. I say that, and it sounds stupid, but I mean it. Suicide, ironically, is what motivates me in my darkest times. I only hope I can take this motivation that suicide gives me and use it elsewhere in my life. If only.

 

[Username1359751]

Self-awareness sucks.